Church of the SubGenius
From Conservapedia
The Church of the SubGenius is a religion described by some of its own members as an "insane bogus UFO mind-control cult". SubGenius doctrine combines all the worst elements of self-help groups, UFO Cults, Scientology, and Apocalyptic Christianity with utterly shameless money-grubbing antics.
The central doctrine of the Church is that certain portions of humanity are actually superior mutants known as Yetinsyn, the result of crossbreeding between humans and the superior Yeti, or "Atlanteans". Novice SubGenii must prove their worthiness by sending thirty dollars to Church headquarters. By unleashing their Abnormality Potential, they seek to unlock dormant psychic abilities, gain the mystical quality of Slack, and defy the Conspiracy that secretly controls the world and makes all humans dance like puppets.
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End of the World: X-Day
The ultimate goal of all SubGeniuses is to survive until X-Day, when the godlike aliens known as the Men From Planet X will arrive and Rupture all the dues-paying SubGenii to a never-ending tour of the universe, while converting Planet Earth into the intergalactic equivalent of a greasy-spoon truck-stop. This will result in unending torment for any surviving Normals (and non-paid-up SubGenii, as human pain is apparently a very high-priced drug among the various gods, demons, and alien beings of the complex and ever-growing SubGenius Pantheon).
X-Day is prophesied to occur on July 5th, 1998. The fact that that date apparently passed without the arrival of the Alien Fleet has forced SubGenii to come up with a multitude of excuses--some of the more popular ones being:
- "Bob" has interceded with the Xists on behalf of the Earth, and persuaded them to wait until a better 'crop' of souls can be raised.
- The Conspiracy has tampered with the calendar, and 1998 hasn't occurred yet.
- "Bob"'s memo was misread (due to being torn in half and taped back together ineptly), and it's actually scheduled for July 5th, 8661.
- The aliens did destroy Earth, but this planet is actually Mars.
The SubGenii celebrate the impending doom of humanity with a large party/religious devival on the weekend of July 5th, every year. At the (alleged) 1998 devival, the failure of prophecy to come true was marked by the Church's chief preacher, Reverend Ivan Stang being stripped naked, tarred and feathered, and tossed in a nearby pond.
Pantheon
SubGenii are polytheistic, with new gods, demons, and alien monsters constantly being added as ShroDurPerSavs as old ones wear out. Some of the more persistent of these include G'BroagFran, the Elder Space Bankers, JHVH-1, Eris, the Yacatisma, and the Fightin' Jesus.
The Church's Messiah, if you can call him that, is J. R. "Bob" Dobbs, a drilling-equipment salesman of dubious but possibly divine heritage who was contacted by the space-god JHVH-1 in 1958, and commanded to sell his religion to all the world, or at least the parts willing to pay for it.
Publications
- The Book of the SubGenius
- Three Fisted Tales of "Bob" (short stories)
- High Weirdness by Mail (non fiction)
- Revelation X
- The Bobliographon
Mythology
The SubGenius mythology is large, confusing and somewhat absurd to outsiders, but is taken very seriously by paid-up members of the cult.
Notable Deities
- Jehovah-One is not "God", but a god-like alien entity "from some corporate Sin galaxy" who happens to be to blame for the existence of humanity (hence our having the same tendencies towards greed, violence, and self-righteousness as Him), and is very interested in Earth. SubGenii strive to attain a sufficient level of Slack to placate the God of Wrath.
- Eris: The mad pagan goddess of giggling chaos, she's reputed to be the former "wife" of JHVH-1. They have been divorced for some time now, which doesn't stop either of Them from meddling with human affairs whenever They feel like it. Worshipped by Discordians.
- Bohandas: One of the "Rebel Gods", rarely intervenes directly in human affairs.
- NHGH: God of Bad Luck and Unfortunate Coincidences. The cosmic embodiment of Murphy's Law. Said to be both the consort and son of Nunu, due to His meddling in time-travel.
- G'BroagFran: Also known as He of the 99 Unpronounceable Names. May be the actual creator of this Universe, but not the 36 other known ones.
- Nunu and Narnini: Twin goddesses of sex and fertility. Nunu is the occasional consort of NHGH, Narnini has been portrayed as the wife of the Christian Satan.
- The Elder Gods: significantly more Godlike beings than most of the above, with little interest in humanity, except possibly as a 'crop'. Thankfully, they have spent the last few aeons asleep in the dimensionless Domain of Doors. The goal of the Rebel Gods is to evolve into higher life-forms that can coexist with the Elder Gods before They 'awaken'.
- Satan: Not to be confused with NHGH, the Satan of SubGenius mythology is very low on the metaphysical food-chain, having been created by JHVH-one soley to torment Christians who made Him look bad. Allegedly owes J. R. "Bob" Dobbs a great deal of "money" from some unknown business transaction.
Alien Races
- The X-ists, also known as the 'Men from Planet X', are a race of highly advanced physical beings who will arrive on the REAL X-Day, to Rupture the Paid-Up members of the Church of the SubGenius to their Escape Saucers, and then convert the Earth into a Pain Farm on behalf of JHVH-1. Some SubGenii plan to attempt to rescue loved ones, others will gleefully collaborate in orchestrating the suffering of humanity.
- Yeti: The original 'human' race created by the X-ists, with immense mental and physical powers denied to their modern degenerated descendants. Created "Humans" as an easily-brainwashed slave-race to do boring tasks like janitorial work or differential calculus. Miscegenation with humans resulted in the first SubGeniuses, which were very nearly all that survived when the continent of Mutantis sank.
- Heliopters: A minor race in SubGenius Mythology, they are part-living things, part-machine flying entities, with wheels and propellers, but mostly made of pink, furry flesh. They have been known to appear to torment seers.
- The Advanced Aluminum Supersonic Nazi Hell Creatures From Within The Hollow Earth: Also known as the 'Deros' after their appearances in the works of Richard Shaver], these artificially-created humanoids live in immense caverns deep beneath the Earth's surface, occasionally meddling in human affairs via their highly advanced technology. Provided shelter to escaping Nazis after World War II.
- The Greys: The classic dimutive, saucer-riding, cattle-mutilating, farmer-abducting alien drones. They are only slightly more technologically advanced then humans, and still make spaceships that can crash.
- The Green Energy Archdemons are mentioned briefly in the PreScriptures. You can see them after staring into the sun for too long.
- The Yacatisma are an alien race of robotic entities who are currently en route to Earth, using their victim-powered faster-than-light drive. Should they arrive on Earth before the X-Ists do, they will torture and annihilate humanity before dismantling the entire planet to make more Yacatisma. (Not to be confused with 'Yacatizma', the fundamental force of beauty and creativity in the universe.)
Notable Yetinsyny & Humans
- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs: The Saint of Sales, the Prophecied One who shall sell Earth to the X-Ists. Master of all Slack.
- Connie Dobbs: "Bob"'s primary wife, who runs his many business affairs when he's studying in Tibet or being abducted by yet another group of aliens.
- D. Woodman Atwell: A Disgruntled SubGenius who took the commandment to "Kill "Bob"" a bit too seriously, assassinating his Guru at a convention in 1992. "Bob" proceeded to escape from Hell repeatedly, only to get killed again each time, before finally exhausting Satan's patience and being exiled from Hell forever after seducing Satan's then-wife, Narnini.
- Reverend Ivan Stang: "Bob" primary business manager and front-man for the Church. A brilliant satirist with a gift for self-promotion.
- The Conspiracy: The secret organization responsible for everything bad that can't be blamed directly on NHGH. So secret that many Conspiracy Overlords are unaware of its very existence.
- Bob Dean: An unfortunate Canadian Normal who, due to over-exposure to SubGenius propaganda, has become convinced that he actually IS "Bob Dobbs". At the top of many SubGenius Hierarchites' "X-Day Lists".
