Petra Grimberg is a German ex-homosexual, who began to live as a homosexual in her teenage, having a difficult youth full of struggles. She left homosexual way of life and found peace for her life after believing God.
Petra´s parents were refugees, occupied with problems of daily life. She criticized them for not helping her to find her sex female identity. They were Christians and led Petra to Christianity, but she did not decide for Jesus when she was a child or a teenage. Parents used to send Petra to Christian camps for youths, but she compared herself to other girls, who were strong, cheerful and friendly. Petra felt shy among girls and preferred the boys´ company. Becoming a teenage, she interpreted God, according to what she had heard from her parents, as punishing those who do not obey Him, and so as she had no chance with Him. She despised her parents and understood they are not defending her in critical situations, and therefore left them. Later they helped her a lot.
When her teenage years started, Petra dreamed about women, not men, and their naked bodies used to excite her. She smoked, drank alcohol, took pills and had friends with similar interests. She started to date a boy, Thorsten, not feeling any sexual attraction to him, but enjoying the idea of being accepted with her personality. When they broke up, after his refusal and under impression that nobody loves her, she made three attempts to commit suicide and subsequently became hospitalized at psychiatry in Mannheim. There Petra came to believe that she was a lesbian and felt in platonic love with a woman, working in the hospital, who advised her to cease fighting against her "homosexuality" and accept it as a part of her personality. This was proposed to be an explanation of her behavioral problems and led to her release from the hospital. After series of quarrels with her parents, she moved away from them to live with other homosexuals instead, in a world of outcasts who had come together and become her new "family".
Reasons for choosing homosexuality
According to her testimony, the reason why Petra joined LGBT community was not a pure sexual attraction towards the same sex persons. „It was not that I would love women,“ she wrote. But her desire to subdue women, coming from the feeling and fear that she would never suit and be able to live in compliance with her fragile identity. Lies, concerning her, became a part of her identity. Her striving for tragedy and self-pity became the focus of her life. In effort to make her the subject of admiration, she consciously chose a styled confidence, arrogance and intellect to constitute her personality. This is what she was seeking in the world of homosexuals, the world so much deviating from the reality. Thus, the homosexual lifestyle became not only a "sexual orientation" for Petra, but a creed, with one of chief articles being an antipathy towards "heterosexuals". She lived a life governed by illusions, and her inclinations for imaginativeness made her immunized from reality. The world of homosexuals suited her and she felt respected there. Although, she still felt as if missing something, not understanding what.
Being a "homosexual"
While living in homosexual scene, she had some platonic relationships with homosexual men. For a long time, she could not overcome her fear and incapability to get into a loving relationship, hence finding solace in drugs and alcohol instead. The coming years she lived a promiscuous way of life, having only one-night stands, many times even without knowing a name of her partnering woman. Later, when looking back, she wrote that she had been deceived by her passions. For Petra, there was no room for God at that time. She rejected Him and was taking conscious decisions against Him, while still realizing that she missed inner peace. Petra fell in love with her female teacher, who was a lesbian, but after some time they broke up and Petra felt pain that neither drugs nor alcohol could alleviate, and began to cause herself a physical pain. She wrote that her heart had craved for meaning of her life, as well as for protection and home. Before long, she was hospitalized at the psychiatry for the second time, because of the psychosis, caused by her new way of life intertwined with promiscuity, alcohol and drugs. Her parents took care of her and prayed a lot, what helped her to overcome drug addiction, as she wrote later. Her friends abandoned her. In the next phase of her life, she made another attempt to commit suicide. Thanks to her parents she heard a testimony of a Christian woman that touched her heart, and found a Christian friend who was helping her daily. Petra felt valued and started visiting a Christian therapeutic help-centre, but there she uncontrollably fell in love with a nurse, who used to be a lesbian. Due to her unfulfilled desire for the nurse, she made an attempt to commit suicide again. Resolved to leave lesbianism, she got married to her first boyfriend, but later she broke up with him and they made a joint application for divorce – because of her strong same-sex attraction towards former lesbian nurse. When this caused her even physical problems, such as blood vomiting and dramatic weight loss, she realized it has become too much to bear, and she cannot continue like that any longer.
Thus, Petra entered into an intense relationship with her husband Thorsten again and believed God would give her a new beginning. She understood that the principal problem of her homosexuality was her confused passions and discovered a new desire – loving her husband without egoism, without seeking only her own satisfaction. She realized that all her previous sexual encounters left her with a gnawing and bitter feeling of loneliness that she was now void of. After some time her relationship with women began to normalize. Soon after that she gave birth to a son, but he died several weeks later and suicidal thoughts began to threaten her mind again. Right during the period of her total exhaustion, emotional numbness and depressions, she realized that love is not just an emotion, but also a standpoint, a worldview that involves and requires a will and willful acts. She decided to humble before God and trust Him. And she found peace to her soul.
Petra Grimberg made a following testimony about her experience with homosexuality: Thoughts on homosexuality do not even come to my mind. Homosexual life is not possible for me anymore, because I know that it is an anomaly contradicting God's intention. I may know and feel that Jesus carries me through every new day, and I can have peace and rest in Him. Thanks Jesus for this wonderful life, given to me and to my husband.
- Petra Grimberg. Schrei nach Liebe: Brennpunkt Homosexualität : Erfahrungsberichte, Was sagt die Bibel?, Ursachen und Therapie (German). Schwengeler Verlag.
- Petra Grimberg (2011). "Príbeh mojej osamelosti.", Homosexualita vo svetle Biblie Choroba či hriech? Ilúzia lásky V ohnisku homosexualita 3 svedectvá (in Slovak). MSEJK. ISBN 978-80-89279-60-9. “Názov pôvodného diela a vydavateľ: Homosexualita keresztyén szemmel (Hungarian source) Bűn vagy betegség Éjféli Kiáltás Kiadó Budapest Dr. Pálhegyi Ferenc, Dr. Falus András, Sípos Ete Álmos”