Before the reader gets their panties in a twist, I think I ought to mention that I am both a woman and Christian. [And proceeded to insult both of them by making a mockery of them, as well as sound argumentation. Women thou may be, but Christian, as revealed in the source of the term, thou couldst not be.]
2008: A Heavenly Proposal The American Society is literally littered with the most horrendous sins. Everyone, it seems, is on their way to Hell! Left and right, all a person ever sees is sin! However, not all is lost – there is a way to redeem the lost Puritan values, but it is up to the individual to put them into action.
The first issue we must address is homosexuality. Clearly something needs to be done. Why did they choose that preference? It really makes absolutely no sense at all, unless of course, they just want to promote their obnoxious Liberal views! Don’t they realize that it will mean they will go to Hell?
Another problem is all the women who are taller than 6 feet 8 inches. This is ridiculous! You’d think they’d realize that that’s the man’s territory. Women are supposed to be the shorter sex. If women continue to allow themselves to grow so tall, they’ll run the risk of taking a husband who is shorter than them!
Both height in women and homosexuality deeply invoke God’s wrath. We ought to preach to these ignorant sinners, and let them know of the dangers of the fiery furnace which awaits them. It rests on our shoulders to take up this task.
There are many, many ways to remind people about the dangers of Hell. For instance, in Catholic Churches, we should do away with cheerful statues depicting angels and Mother Mary – makes people think that God is loving ad forgiving and will send people to Heaven. This is not true! We should remind worshippers of the truth, and replace all of those statues with statues of demons and humans being tortured in Hell.
Speaking of “Worshippers”, as we all know, not everyone practices Christianity, and it up to us to warn them of the perils of their choice. Thus, in addition to placing statues of Satan torturing the damned in churches, we ought to place them on street corners, too. In fact, we should do more than just place them on the corners of neighborhood and city streets, but on top of traffic lights and lamp posts on the highways, plus we should carve similar depictions into telephone poles!
Now, there is another very serious issue in our society: people are consistently destroying innocent life forms. This is a huge sin! It is our job as good, upstanding, conservative Christians to let people blessed with tumors know that it is a sin to have them removed! God saw the mutated cell divide, and saw that it was good. So, God permitted the two new cells divide again. Therefore, if a person gets a tumor removed, he or she is removing a direct blessing from God, and will have to answer for it on the Day of Judgment. This person shall not be forgiven!
Similarly, abortion is also a sin. After all, God saw the sperm and the egg, and saw that it was good, and so He had them form one cell. When this cell created another, God saw that that was good, too, and permitted them to become four cells. These cells are blessed, and if a woman terminates them, she shall go to Hell! Even if she has been raped, she should not terminate the child, for, once again, it was God’s blessing that she was raped! This child is a gift from Heaven! If she wishes to get an abortion because she will otherwise die, she should wish again. After all, dying so soon is another gift from the All Mighty! Clearly, she is a favorite in His eyes, for not only did she receive a child, but she also was subjected to guilt-free fornication (if she was impregnated through rape), and she gets to join God sooner, instead of enjoying the rest of her life! What more could a woman ask for?
Besides, by terminating a child, a woman is destroying the reason for her existence. In fact, when we do away with abortion clinics, instead of demolishing the buildings, we should turn them into whore houses! In these whore houses, we will store all the women, and when a man wants a child, he can just go into one of them and pick a woman he wants to procreate with! That way, not only do we no longer have a problem with abortions, but we get women out of the workplace and the world, too!
These are just a few simple suggestions for bring Puritan Ideals back into American Society. Of course, it is up to the individual – strait, conservative, and male, of course – to set them into motion. God bless America!
Conservative Christian traits
I get how Christianity would bring about a conservative perspective on abortion, homosexuality, creationism (and therefore science education), treatment of prisoners, racial segregation, capital punishment and divorce, but I'm a little confused how Christianity has an effect on taxation, gun control, immigration, public education, and global warming. Could someone "more in the know" clarify these? It probably wouldn't be a bad idea to clarify the more "obvious" ones, for the benefit of those who aren't as familiar with the Bible and Christianity. HelpJazz 20:44, 22 February 2008 (EST)