Writing Homework Nine Student Three
Conjecture and Hot Lead [GOOD TITLE THAT CAUSES THE READER TO WANT TO HEAR MORE]
Wannabe Cop Shoots and Kills Seventeen Year-old Trayvon Martin [DESCRIPTIVE NAME FOR ZIMMERMAN: "WANNABE COP"]
“Put on your hood,” Deedee said to her boyfriend, Trayvon Martin. He had just told Deedee that a man was following him and giving him strange looks. The next thing that Deedee heard was gunshots, and then the silence that followed. It is staggering how deafening silence can be. The seventeen-year-old Trayvon Martin lay dead on the sidewalk, shot down by George Zimmerman.
- [WELL-WRITTEN INTRODUCTION!]
On Feb 6 Trayvon Martin, a young African American male, had gone to his local convenience store in Sanford, Florida for some candy and tea. George Zimmerman, a 28-year-old aged Latino male, had been patrolling the neighborhood watching for delinquents and vandals. Zimmerman was the self-proclaimed neighborhood guardian; he had made 46 calls to the local police station about reports about crimes committed in the area. [46 CALLS OVER WHAT PERIOD OF TIME? IF TEN YEARS, THAT'S LESS THAN A CALL EVERY TWO MONTHS] Zimmerman was following Martin when he made a phone call to the local authorities. In the call, Zimmerman told the police he was following Martin and then described the young man’s appearance and activities. [WASN'T ZIMMERMAN ASKED TO DESCRIBE THE APPEARANCE?] Martin at some point acknowledged Zimmerman’s presence and then began to flee. Zimmerman defied police orders [POLICE ORDERS, OR THE OPINION OF "911"?] not to give chase and pursued the running Martin. A witness says she heard moaning and then a gunshot. When the police arrived on the scene Martin was dead and Zimmerman had a bloodied nose and marks on the back of his head.
- [GOOD WRITING AGAIN]
As with most cases made infamous by the media there is a great deal of conjecture. President Barack Obama publicly spoke about the case, and the internet is aglow with facts and myths. Congressman Bobby Rush was escorted from congress [CAPITAL "C" FOR CONGRESS] for wearing a hoodie and giving a fiery speech in favor of Martin. The congressman doned a hoodie in response to the fact that Trayvon was [ALLEGEDLY] targeted for being black and wearing a hooded sweatshirt. Rush gave an inspiring diatribe against racism and profiling; the representative’s actions were still somewhat childish. The terrible thing about this much media attention to a case is that many people have already made up their minds. In his speech Congressman Rush says that Trayvon was murdered, he assumes Zimmerman is already guilty, which is a violation of his constitutional rights. The radical civil rights group ,the [SPACING AROUND THE PRIOR COMMA IS WRONG] Black Panthers, has put money on Zimmerman’s head. These sorts of actions are raising awareness and disseminating mistruths about the case. The courts will have a hard time finding twelve objective people to decide Zimmerman's innocence or guilt. A major factor about this case is race,[NEED SEMICOLON, NOT A COMMA] it has obscured the facts since the beginning.
Zimmermans[NEED APOSTROPHE] racial attitude has been assumed since the beginning. However, Zimmerman was one of the few people to stand up for a black homeless man after he had been beaten by the Sanford Police Chief’s son. Apparently Zimmerman spent time handing out fliers to raise awareness about the crime committed against the homeless Sherman Ware. Sherman had been beaten while trying to break up a fight,[NEED SEMICOLON] after he had been beaten Sherman’s assailant then called him a “nigger” and went on accosting other bystanders. Zimmerman’s actions in defense of Sherman suggest that he may not be a bigot. However, it is very difficult to disprove Zimmerman's predispositions about Trayvon Martin. In the phone call, Zimmerman made to the police that fateful night he vocalizes his anger about young delinquents.[NEED COLON HERE] “...these assholes always get away...” muttered Zimmerman before he pursued Trayvon.
Trayvon Martin had been on the phone with his girlfriend Deedee when he was shot. She told prosecutors that she communicated with Trayvon just before he encountered Zimmerman. From the information Deedee gave it seems very likely Trayvon was murdered. Zimmerman maintains that it was self-defense. Recently Zimmerman changed his story and says that he had been going to the store and not patrolling. Allegedly, he followed a suspicious looking Trayvon, he then proclaims that Trayvon attacked him and began to smash his head against the sidewalk. The Problem [NO CAPITAL "P"] with Zimmerman's story is that besides the gunshot wounds there were no signs of a conflict on Trayvon’s body;[COMMA HERE, NOT SEMICOLON] it seems unlikely that a seventeen year old [NEED HYPHENS IN SEVENTEEN-YEAR-OLD] of Trayvon’s body type could beat down Zimmerman without first obtaining any injuries. Not all the facts of the case are known and how many witnesses the prosecutions have can only be guessed.
Zimmerman has been charged with murder two and will stand on trial. Murder Two means it was not premeditated, but that there was still intent. If the defense can convince the jurors it was manslaughter, Zimmerman walks. Twelve of Zimmerman's peers will adjudicate his fate. Twelve people who must remain unbiased despite the media flurry and flying rumors. To these twelve men and women one wishes best of luck on their ruling. To the family and friends of Trayvon Martin one wishes justice. [SUPERB CONCLUDING SENTENCES]
- TERRIFIC SUBSTANCE WITH SOME FANTASTIC WRITING. SUBSTANCE: 10/10. BUT THE NUMEROUS TECHNICAL ERRORS DETRACT FROM THE OVERALL IMPRESSION. TECHNICAL: 9.2/10.--Andy Schlafly 19:37, 25 April 2012 (EDT)