Writing Homework Three Student One

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1. The best vegetible is Asparagus. But in public school most kids eat candy rather then good food. Eating better will make you healthier than them.

The best vegetable is asparagus. Since in public school most kids eat candy rather than good food, if you eat better, you will be healthier than they.

Superb corrections of the errors, but the "Since in ..., if ..." structure is very awkward. (Minus 1).

2. Congres's problem it is to weak. Worrying so much about what the public think, Washington D.C. does us all a diservice.

Congress' problem is that it is too weak. Since Congress worries so much about what the public thinks, Congress does all of us a disservice.

Good corrections again, but repetitious use of "Congress" in the second sentence. Also, it's better to limit use of "since" to its temporal meaning.

3. The most unique day of the year is Easter. Lets face it; neither July 4th or New Years Day are as special of a day.

Easter is the best day of the year. Let's face it: neither the Fourth of July nor New Years Day is as special as Easter.

Excellent but changing "most unique" to "best" does change its meaning. Better: "most unique" -> "unique". (Minus 1).

4. Someone needs to clean up this mess, and they had better do it before the owner gets here. "Get you're garbage out of hear now," he wrote in a note.

Since the owner wrote in a note, "Get your garbage out of here now," someone needs to clean this mess up before the owner gets here.

Nothing can be done about the "get" in the quote, but that imprecise slang should not be used again later int he sentence. (Minus 1).

5. I am detirmined to catch all the errors this time ..... I am not going to make any more mistakes no more! Do you think I like being rideculed like this?

I am determined to catch all of the errors this time....I am not going to make any more mistakes! Do you think I like being ridiculed like this?

Need a space after the dots, before the beginning of the next sentence. (Minus 1).

6. These two things i know are true; good writing is priceless, and poor writing will hurt your career. That is why I want to be a better writter than him.

Because I know that good writing is priceless, and poor writing will hurt my career, I want to be a better writer than he.

Excellent.

Nature or Nurture? The Key to Success

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them." This classic quote from William Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" captures the nature of success perhaps better than any seven-hundred word essay can. Even so, I will, in this essay, try to "stand on the shoulders of Giants," and see a little further.

In beginning this essay, I enter with thoughts of futility and determination. My work ethic, I may say, is useless. This essay will not be perfect, nor will it, possibly, have any new insight. I will work on this for a long time, and yet maybe nothing new and interesting will come of it. If I were to give this topic to Freud, Paine, Jefferson, Cicero, Isaiah or even Glenn Beck, they could probably return to me in half my time with a well[NEED HYPHEN HERE]written flawless, original essay, so did my work ethic help? Maybe this essay can answer the question for me.

Throughout the ages many natural geniuses have led the world in their fields appearing to lead them almost carelessly[POORLY WRITTEN FIRST SENTENCE FOR A PARAGRAPH, WITH REPETITIOUS USE OF THE SAME VERB]. Abraham Lincoln is supposed to have authored perhaps one of the greatest speeches, the Gettysburg Address, the night before he delivered it [NOPE, THAT CLAIM IS NOT TRUE]. Tennis legend Andre Agassi said that he disliked the game that he, for so many years, dominated. Isaac Newton, the progenitor of Classical Physics, discovered his breakthrough of gravity upon seeing an apple fall from a tree. The jazz legend Thelonius Monk was a "self educated" piano genius, and even though he was not willing to spend hard work learning piano technique (if you watch him play it becomes easily apparent) he lives in our memories as one of the greatest musicians in history. So obviously, genius can come naturally and if you aren't brilliant you have no chance, right?

Wrong. [SUPERB TRANSITION FROM THE PRIOR PARAGRAPH, ALTHOUGH UNCONVENTIONAL] Many living in our memory live on only because of their devotion and hard work rather than natural talent. Thomas Edison said genius is "99 percent perspiration and 1 percent inspiration", and he certainly lived his proverb. Edison spent years developing the perfect electric light bulb, and his work, as becomes clearly apparent to one who reads the story of his invention, demanded tremendous "perspiration". Business tycoon Andrew Carnegie worked industriously for years from his humble position as a factory worker, to become one of the world's richest and most philanthropic people. Benjamin Franklin painstakingly took the time to read and understand other great writers so as to model himself after them. Franklin had been ostracized and laughed at for his intense desire to learn, but in the end his learning proved vital to the success of America. Playwright William Shakespeare supposedly traveled to Italy for years to gain a full understanding of Western Culture. The acclaimed film trilogy "Lord of the Rings" was filmed in New Zealand and required multiple years and much patience on the part of director Peter Jackson. Even the greatest film maker cannot make a film in a day, nor can the greatest author write a complete novel in one sitting; a great musician cannot compose a symphony in a day, nor can a thinker revolutionize our world in a night. [GOOD USE OF A SEMICOLON]

Although Abraham Lincoln may have written the great [OVERUSE OF "GREAT" - NEED TO EXPAND THE VOCABULARY USED] address the night before his actual speech, his thoughts and education go back years before. Lincoln was also known for his desire to learn and his "perspiration" in reading and educating himself. Even after his election to president, he devotedly sought to understand the nature of the "Sectional Conflict" in which he led the union. Truly his address is just a culmination of his tireless work ethic. Maybe Agassi's real legacy is in his perspicacity [GOOD VOCABULARLY USE HERE] and his hard work in spite of his lack of interest. Newton certainly did not in a moment understand the order of the cosmos, but just as a well-laid fire can be lit in a second with a single match, his well-educated mind was excited by a single thought.

Greatness has been, and always will be, given to those who achieve it not only by brilliance but just as much by hard work and education. I am sure if I were to work hard enough at learning how to write, then one day I would be able to write a far superior essay to this. [CLEVER, EFFECTIVE ENDING]

Paul R.

Comments in CAPS above. This is a fine essay. Substance: 9.7. Technical score: 9.6.--Andy Schlafly 19:38, 25 February 2012 (EST)
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