Writing Homework Three Student Two

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Part A

1.The best vegetible is Asparagus. But in public schools most kids eat candy rather then good food. Eating better will make you healthier then them.

The best vegetable is asparagus. In public schools, most kids eat candy rather than healthy food. Eating better will make you healthier than the kids in public school.

Very good editing!

2.Congres's problem it is to weak. Worrying so much about what the public think, Washington D.C. does us all a diservice.

The problem with Congress is that it is too weak. Washington D.C. does us all a disservice by worrying too much about public opinion.

Superb again, except there should be a comma after "Washington". (Minus 1).

3.The most unique day of the year is Easter. Lets face it; neither July 4th or New Years Day are as special of a day.

Easter is an unique day of the year. Let us face it; neither July 4th nor New Years Day are as special.

"a unique," not "an unique." Also the "are" should be "is" because the subject is singular. (Minus 2).

4.Someone needs to clean up this mess, and they had better do it before the owner gets here. “Get you're garbage out of hear now,” he wrote in a note.

Someone needs to clean up this mess before the owner returns. “Get you're (sic) garbage out of hear (sic) now!” he wrote.

Good, but too much of a rewrite rather than merely editing. Some meaning was lost in the second sentence, such as "in a note." Perhaps it is implied by the "wrote", so no points deducted.

5.I am detirmined to catch all the errors this time.........I am not going to make any more mistakes no more! Do you think I like being rideculed like this?

I am determined to catch all the errors this time. I am not going to make any more mistakes! Do you think that I like to be ridiculed like this?

Dots should have been kept in, but with a maximum of four and a space added after them. (Minus 1).

6.These two things I know are true; good writing is priceless, and poor writing will hurt your career. That is why I want to be a better writter than him.

I know that these two things are true; good writing is priceless, and poor writing will hurt your career. This is why I want to be a better writer than him.

"than he". (Minus 1)
Score: 55/60.--Andy Schlafly 14:26, 26 February 2012 (EST)

Part B Essay 8.Any topic of your choice.

                                                 The Breach of Freedom  [GREAT TITLE!]
Our Country is facing a major threat to our liberties. Last week President Obama signed into law,[NO COMMA HERE] a provision which violates our Constitution. The Amendments to our Constitution lay out for us the freedoms which are granted to the citizens of the United States. The First Amendment protects freedom of speech, the press and [NEED COMMA HERE] most importantly [NEED COMMA HERE] religion. When President Obama signed the preventive services act, he was indeed violating our Constitution. He was telling America, that our religious freedoms and what we want mean nothing to him. He was telling America that he knows best, that he knows how to run our lives. Our country must fight to have this provision repealed, for with it, our country can never truly be free.
In this new mandate, regulations are unjustly forced upon institutions. This law compels private institutions like the Catholic Church to provide contraceptive methods to its employes and students. Thus any private [PRIVATELY - WITH AN "LY"] run Catholic School, Church or other institution must render in its healthcare plans, [COMMA SHOULDN'T BE HERE] birth control and other “false” means of contraception. Kathleen Sebelius [NEED COMMA HERE] who helped write this bill [NEED COMMA HERE] stated that woman should have the right to healthcare, and that they should not have to pay for their implementation of birth control. Guess what this means for the average citizen. We the people of the United States are going to be funding this new law! The government will appropriate our money and use it to fund healthcare insurance policies which will provide contraceptive methods to woman around the country. Where do the rights of the common people come in? How is it that we are having to pay for this without giving our consent? Our country is taking away our Liberties one by one and this injustice must be stopped.
Besides the fact that this new law is upsetting the Catholic population, it is also offending others who are not of a religious denomination. There are also [REPETITIOUS USE OF "ALSO"] many liberal Democrats who believe that Obama went too far in signing this act into law. His own vice president Biden advised Obama not to sign it. This act is by far the most insulting thing that our President has done. Obama, who is the head of our country has commandeered our liberties right out from under our noses. When our constitution was written in 1788, the Founding Fathers intended to fortify the freedoms of the American people by creating a Supreme Law of the Land. This law bound all Americans, government officials and citizens alike. Think how perturbed and utterly humiliated George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams would be if they came to America in its present state. Our 44th president is using his power and influence, along with the help of Congress to bring down our great nation. We the American people, genuinely have no freedom thanks to President Obama.
Civil liberties are nonexistent in our country today [A BIT OVERSTATED IN THE OPENING SENTENCE, THOUGH YOUR POINTS IN THIS PARAGRAPH ARE EXCELLENT]. With the violation of our Constitution, our freedom of religion is no longer available. Now that our government can command private institutions like Catholic Churches and Schools to violate their conscience and the Constitution, where will the government stop? If they have the power to tell us that we need to provide contraception to employes and students, how safe are our other freedoms? Now that the government has taken away the most precious gift given to the American people, the freedom of religion, there is no telling what our government will take away next. America has no true freedom and its people have no true rights. The citizens of the United States need to retract this modern injustice. This new law is sincerely dangerous, because it is an attack on what it truly means to be American.
Thus this ascetic [POOR WORD CHOICE HERE: "ASCETIC"] new mandate signed by President Obama truly is a great evil and must be eradicated. Our President needs to listen to his people [AWKWARD: "HIS PEOPLE". AMERICANS?] and stop believing that he knows best. We are the people of the United States of America and we need to stand together and unite against this true misconduct. The President has done a great injustice to his people, to his country and to his position as president. For if this law is not repealed, then there will be no America, and no land of the free and home of the brave. [GOOD LAST PHRASE]

Alexa W

Your essay has much good substance in it, but areas for improvement as noted above. Substance: 9.7. Technical: 9.3.--Andy Schlafly 14:26, 26 February 2012 (EST)
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