Writing Homework Two Student One

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Part A: Correct errors in the following:

God given rights belong to all of us: who else would he give them to, other then us?

God-given rights belong to all of us. Who else would He give them to, other than us?
"Whom", not "who". Minus 1.

“I ain’t missing that game again”, I told him. After all, there friend, not me, were at the game and their wasn't no way I was going to miss it.

"I am not missing that game again", I told him. After all, their friend was at the game, and there was no way I was going to miss it.
The comma needs to be inside the quotation mark. Later "there wasn't any way", not "their wasn't no way." Minus 3.

When a stranger showed up sought directons, I told them to not to bother me and my friend.

When a stranger showed up seeking directions, I told him not to bother me or my friend.
"my friend or me" - the first person is always last. Minus 1.

Neither the Patriots nor the Giants are the best team in the NFL this year. The Packers, lets admit was the finest players. Just joking ..... no one around hear doubt that the Giants are the most greatest ever!

Neither the Patriots nor the Giants are the best team in the NFL this year. The Packers, let's admit, are the finest players. Just joking...... no one around here doubts that the Giants are the greatest ever!
"is the best team." Minus 1.

All the mistakes in this will be cought by I this time. Does you think this work are something to be embarassed about

I will catch all the mistakes this time. Do you think this work is something to be embarrassed about?
Good.


Which is James is most proud of. The homework that had the fewest error, of course! This final sentence, the last phrase, and look at the one before it; they was most perfect.

What is James most proud of? The homework that had the fewest errors, of course! Look at the final sentence, the last phrase, and the one before it; they were perfect.
"Of which is James most proud?" Also, the final punctuation should be a colon, not a semicolon. Minus 2.
Score: Score: 52/60.


Part B: Write a total of at least 600 words on one or more of the following topics. You will receive a score each for (i) technical correctness and (ii) style/substance.


1. The pen is mightier than the sword. Discuss.
2. “Did you notice that this winter has not had as much snow as last winter?” We need to limit our energy production so this does not happen again! Discuss.
3. As the United States grows bigger and more different from place to place, do you think it will ever break up as the Soviet Union did?
4. Homeschoolers have an influence on society far greater than the percentage of people who homeschool. Discuss.
5. (“Some politicians are masters of deceit, and unfortunately the public is not always smart enough to recognize it.” Discuss.- Essay 1)
6. Is the world becoming a better place, or a worse one? Explain your view.
7. (Any topic of your choice- Essay 2).




  • Essay 1:

Politicians can be very dishonest people. Among the worst of the dishonest politicians are Bill Clinton, and Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner was a poor role model and Congressman. He posted a humiliating, offensive, and immoral photo of himself on his public Twitter account so that everyone could see it. It was apparently addressed to a young college student as a "joke"; it would be a joke his wife would be very angry about! Say a child followed Weiner's Twitter account and thought it was neat saying that "Look, I'm following my Congressman's Twitter account," and be offended by seeing the atrocious photo. He lied about the photo, saying his account was hacked, and many in the public believed him. Comedians such as Jon Stewart gave him a pass on the scandal, not mentioning it at all or simply taking it easy on the man; if a Republican would have been doing something like that, he would be having a field day mocking the politician. This shows the comfort these Democratic politicians have in the mainstream media. He was eventually found out, and not removed from Congress; he resigned and continued to receive monies and benefits from the government.

Then take Bill Clinton, the forty-second President of the United States. He was called "Slick Willie" for a reason! He was unfaithful to his wife, engaged in an affair with an intern, and, of course, lied about it. He became the second President to be impeached by the House of Representatives. He was tried in the Senate, but removed, though he admitted to lying about the affair. He also was not significantly criticized in the media, and was not removed from office due to his dishonesty. This shows that the people at large, are deceived by these politicians.

Good substanice, but a few technical weaknesses: the lead sentence for the second paragraph is weak, and the comma should not be in the second sentence of the first paragraph.
  • Essay 2:

Video games can have tremendous negative effects on children and adolescents. They promote inactivity, and health problems such as obesity. In fact, video game companies such as Nintendo even have warnings on the games that basically say that one should take breaks every hour to stop harm to the eyes, and even seizures due to overexposure. Video games are often paired with a poor diet, which can consist of high-calorie snacks such as potato chips and high-sugar soda such as Mountain Dew. This is very typical in America, especially in cities and suburbs where there is not much for children to do.

It is often safer for parents to keep their children in homes playing these games than going outside due to city crime such as child abuse, gun violence, and bullying. Video games offer a shelter and sanctuary from this. Nonetheless, they cause health problems and can promote anti-social behavior and they may disconnect from parents.

Violent video games such as the Grand Theft Auto series promote violence in young boys, and despite an "M" rating, parents buy these sort of games for young children. These children are exposed to crime, immorality, drug abuse, gun violence, and obscene language at a young age. While the ESRB is doing a good thing placing appropriate ratings on such violent games, parents often do not look at these ratings and will unknowingly buy young children these atrocious titles. One who is aware can surely tremble as a parent buys a child Mortal Kombat for Christmas, and will know that the horrifying content can have a great effect on the well-being of the child! Even Christian churches will have youth group activities where young men will play games like Halo! This ignorance toward game content can promote [AWKWARD WORDING] young men emulating these characters in the violent games they played as children, and has shown links to certain violent behavior promoted recently. The Supreme Court upheld the "free speech" right of an extremely violent and gruesome game as if it were an actual form of speech. Images shown of the game include a beast breaking the body of a woman in half with gore spewing out. Surely one would not want their young child to see this! Nonetheless, this issue is one that will need to be solved by parents to protect the well-being of our children.

superb essay. Note the comment about the awkward wording.
Score: Substance: 9.6. Technical: 9.4. Well done!--Andy Schlafly 09:33, 16 February 2012 (EST)
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