Conservapedia - User contributions [en]

Heaven

2010-02-09T17:00:49Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

Alisha arched her back and began to shift slightly until I felt the head of my saliva-covered cock rubbing against her tight hole.

"Go slow," was all she said as she began to bear down, a look of concentration on her face. Her cheeks flushed lightly as she strained, pushing out with the muscles of her anus. I couldn't tear my eyes from hers and I stared deep into them as I felt myself begin to penetrate her for the first time.

Alisha was biting her bottom lip between her teeth absently, and she reached back with both hands and grasped her ass cheeks, spreading herself open wide as I began to sink inside her. I don't know how she did it, or what she was doing, but her hole seemed to almost suck me inside.

It was easier entering her ass than it had been in the past with other girls, yet her velvety rectum gripped my dick. The feeling was like nothing I had ever felt. Her asshole was smooth and hot and tight and I could feel her muscles milking me as I inched inside.

Alisha may not have ever had a real dick inside her before, but it was something she genuinely wanted, and apparently something she had practiced. Her hole was tight, but not impossibly so, and she knew how to open herself up to let me inside. More importantly, she wanted me there.

I let her control the pace as she lowered herself slowly onto my erection. It took about a minute until I was buried all the way inside her rectum, and felt her ass brush against the top of my thigh as she settle down.

"Just give me a sec to get used to it, okay?" she asked in a hushed tone, her voice trembling faintly from the strain. She was still chewing sexily on her lower lip and taking short, controlled breaths to relax.

"Baby, take as long as you need," I replied, secretly thankful for the reprieve to regain my composure. Just the feeling of her sinking down onto me was nearly enough to make me cum, and I needed a minute or so to pull back from the edge.

I leaned forward and kissed her, and she responded, gently sucking my tongue inside her mouth. We remained locked like that, motionless, exploring one another's mouths while my dick remained lodged motionlessly inside her bowels.

After some minutes she began to lightly rock back and forth, still skewered on my cock, sliding it in and out a fraction of an inch. It felt amazing to be buried inside her, both on a physical level, and on an emotional level. I was madly in love with this girl, and to have her give herself to me so completely was almost overwhelming.

With her back arched and hands behind her pulling ass cheeks apart, Alisha's small breasts were thrust towards me. I began unbuttoning the front of her blouse, and it quickly fell open. She had no bra on underneath, and as the material parted it exposed her creamy breasts. Her nipples were puffy and pink and they stood up hard and erect. I broke our kiss and took her breast into my mouth, caressing the nipple with my tongue. She moaned into my ear at the contact. After a minute I switched to her other breast, lips and tongue teasing gasps and pants from her. Then suddenly we were kissing again as she gently rocked back and forth on my impaling cock.

Gradually she began to pick up speed and raise herself up on her knees slightly, withdrawing my penis an inch or two from her hole before gently pushing herself back down and burying me deeply inside her.

"God that feels good, Alisha," I whispered to her, sliding my hands up her body and cupping her budding breasts in my palms as she rode me. Without even fully comprehending the implications of my action, I slid one hand down her body and began to move it up her skirt, wanting to help her get off.

She caught my wrist before I reached the junction of her thighs. "Not now, I'm not ready for that," she said, pulling my hand out from under the flimsy material of her skirt.

"I want you to feel good, too," I whispered back to her. Despite the fact that my initial attempt to touch her wasn't entirely conscious, I still wanted her to get off, and I found that I was comfortable with what that meant.

"It does feel good, Jess," she panted back, slowly rocking up and down, forcing my dick deep inside her with each sway. "I think I can cum just from this."

"Really?" I said, continuing to lightly thrust in sync with her rhythm.

"Yeah, really," she smiled back at me, slightly out of breath. "I've came before doing this, at home." Her face was flushed now, and the milky pale skin of her breast had also turned a slightly pink color as she rose up and down on me.

"Doing what?" I asked, intrigued at the mental image. It was a terribly erotic visual, the thought of my cute girlfriend anally masturbating. I thrust up more firmly to meet her motion, penetrating her deeper.

Alisha didn't answer me right away, but she gasped at the movement, and let out a small moan. I returned my hand up to her breast, and continued massage her stiff nipples as she rode me.

"You know, touching myself," she finally answered. She leaned forward slightly, freeing me to thrust a bit more up into her gripping anus. Her passage was still tight, but the saliva from her amazing bloiwjob had provided plenty of lubrication, and she had become more accustomed to my girth, her hole stretching to accommodate the penetration.

"Touching how," I asked, wanting to hear more. I dropped my hands off her breasts and lowered them to her slim waist, and began to pull her down on me.

"You know, there," she said breathlessly. My cock thrusting inside her was definitely getting to her, and I began to pick up the pace, thrusting upwards as I pulled her down onto me.

"I want to hear you say it, baby. I want you to tell me how you make yourself cum." I could tell she was shy about using the words. Even with eight inches of dick stretching her colon out of shape she looked as innocent as a schoolgirl. I couldn't imagine anything sexier.

"My ass, okay," she whispered, groaning out the words into my ear. "I use toys on my.....uuuhh.......ass. It's how I... aahhh.... make.... myself cum."

I reached up and cupped my hand around the back of her neck and brought her mouth down to meet mine. She continued to force my dick in and out of her bowels as I sucked her tongue into my mouth.

Alisha was trying to stifle back grunts as I thrust into her depths, and I could tell she was getting close.

"Fuuck, Jess..... uuhhh. Fuuck.... " she groaned into my mouth. "I'm..... I'm.... aahhh....." With that final nonsensical groan she threw her head back and drove her ass down onto me, burying me as deep inside her as possible, sphincter stretched to the limit around the thick base of my prick. Forward and back she whipped her head half a dozen times, mouth open in a wordless scream, each time raising her butt up off my thighs and slamming herself back down to impale herself onto my cock. As she came, her ass rhythmically contracted around my dick, milking me with silken muscles.

I let her control the pace as she gradual floated down from her orgasm, wanting Alisha to squeeze all the pleasure she could from our coupling. After half a minute of gradually slowing she came nearly to a stop on my lap, only lightly rocking back and forth with me still buried balls-deep inside her. There was a blissful, dazed look on her flushed face, and a few light droplets of sweat beaded on her forehead, and her hair was tousled sexily from her orgasmic thrashing.

"You okay?" I asked, reaching up and cupping her chin in my hand, lifting her gaze to meet mine.

"Yeah, yeah, just.... just give me a..... sec," she breathed, blinking at me, lost in a post-orgasmic haze.

"I'm not going anywhere," I responded, leaning forward to lightly brush her lips with mine in a soft kiss. And I wasn't, both because there was no place I'd rather have been than here with her, and because physically it wasn't possible for me to move with her straddling my lap, my entire penis buried inside her gripping asshole. Alisha's panting gradually slowed until she was breathing normally.

"Wow, Jess, that was...... just wow," she said after a minute or so. "I wasn't ready for anything that intense, that was incredible."

We remained as we were for a long while, lightly kissing and caressing one another, enjoying the closeness and intimacy. Eventually though, the grip of her guts on my straining dick began to change. I could feel a pattern in her flexing and contracting as she began to consciously milk me as she moved. It felt incredible, and Alisha smiled as I gasped at the feeling of her bowels massaging my penis.

"I'm not going to last long if you keep doing that, baby," I told her with a smile. "You might want to get off me before I can't hold back any longer."

"No," she shook her head, giving me a very serious look. "No, I want you to cum inside me."

"If you keep doing that thing you're doing with your ass right now it's not going to take me very long at all," I replied, grinning at her.

"Good, because I want your sperm inside my ass," she reassured me, now much more confident using obscene language. This was the feisty, frisky girl I had fallen in love with. "I hadn't really thought about it until now, but the thought of walking out of here past all the people on the call floor knowing I'm holding your load is inside me is really, really hot."

The pace of her rocking increased, as did the contractions deep inside her guts. It drew another groan from me, and I slid my hands down to the curve of her hips to help guide her up and down.

I started to rock up into her in time with her milking contractions, and she gasped in surprise at me as my cock again nudged into that magic button deep inside her. Her description of walking across the office with my cum load in her ass had really turned me on. I loved the sound of dirty words coming out of this innocent-looking girl's mouth, and I told her wanted to hear more.

A naughty look flashed across her face as she spoke. "There are fifty people out there now, answering phones, doing their jobs. When we walk.... past them to leave I'm going to have a load of your cum up my.... ass, and nobody is going to know." We were slapping together forcefully now, and Alisha was beginning to pant again as each thrust inside her nudged against that magic spot deep inside.

"They're going to look up... and see us walk past without another thought," she continued. "None of them will know that that.... uuhh.... each step is churning up your cum inside my butt."

I began to move her up and down faster now, skewering her on my cock, raising her up until just my bloated head remained locked inside her gripping hole, and dropping her back down my length until the wide base had her anus stretched open. The rate of both our breathing had increased, and Alisha's face was starting to flush again.

"What are we going to do when we leave here," I asked her, only partially masking the strain in my voice. I was fighting to hold back my own impending orgasm now that I saw that she was beginning to crest again.

"When we get... aahh... to your car... I'm going... uuhh.... going to finger myself so you can... watch me while you drive..... uuhh.... then when we get to your place... you're gonna fuuck me again."

There was an audible slap of flesh on flesh now as our bodies slapped together, and I prayed that nobody would walk into the locker room and hear us.

"You're going to finger your ass for me?" I asked her, trying to concentrate on the image and not on the way her rectum was rippling up and down around my dick.

"Yeah, I.... I want to finger.... uuhhh.... my hole... feel your cum leaking out of me."

She was at her limit now, and I reached under her ass and cupped her cheeks, pulling her hole wider apart as she violently slammed herself down onto me, my erection jamming against that pleasure button deep inside her ass. That was all it took to push her over the edge, and with a silent howl she threw her head forward into my shoulder and bit down into my shirt.

Her guts clamped down on my invading organ like a vise as she came, and with a final thrust upwards I ejaculated inside the hot confines of her rectum, my dick belching thick ropes of seed inside her hole, splattering her insides. The ache of release I felt at the base of my testicles was almost painful in intensity.

"Aaaahhhhh" I silently mouthed, barely fighting back the urge to actually scream. Her anus was quite literally milking my dick, greedily pulsating around my length as we both came in a simultaneous crash.

My dick continued to pulse considerably even as our pace slowed, each additional tremor squeezing another clot of semen up her no longer virginal hole. Our movements gradually slowed to a complete stop, Alisha's head still on my shoulder. Eventually, she rose up and pushed up away from my body, looking into my eyes. My shoulder felt wet, and I could see from the smudges of mascara on her caramel eyes that she had been crying softly into my shoulder.

"Baby, you okay?" I asked, suddenly concerned that I had hurt her.

"No, yeah I'm fine, I'm okay," she responded with a sniffle.

I reached up and wiped away the tears from both her eyes with my thumb and pulled her head down to my chest again, holding her body tightly to mine.

"Are you sure? Why are you crying?" I asked, terrified I had done something wrong.

"It's just," she paused, thinking. "It's just that I really feel close to you."

"Me too, baby," I said, squeezing her close to me with my arms, relieved. I could feel her heartbeat racing inside her chest.

She paused, silent, seemingly trying to find the words for how she felt. Finally she spoke as the words came to her.

"I really love you Jess, I really do. But you need to really consider what this means, what we mean."

"Alisha, I love you, too. We'll figure out the rest."

She raised her head from my chest and smiled at me, nodding sadly.

"I'm not sure it's that easy, Jess."

Globular cluster

2010-02-09T16:56:44Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

'''Something about Nothing'''

Before reading this articlea, it is neccessary to explain what nothing is. Nothing does not exist, that is to say, something that is nothing doesn't not exist, or to put it another way, nothing is something.

'''Nothing''' is nothing that cannot be explained because there is nothing to explain about nothing. Except that Nothing has a thing for Everything. Nothing is an A+
answer and it is used everywhere so if it's nothing then why are we talking about nothing since there is nothing to talk about? Nothing started when nothing began, so if something is beginning consider it as nothing, it will delight you greatly. You must also remember that nothing is also something, so you can consider it as both nothing and something. If nothing is happening you get depressed, but if something is happening you get even more depressed when that something finishes. Sometimes this leads to suicide which can also be considered as nothing because it takes time, and if time is something it is also nothing. So if you're reading this article you must be either bored or nothing, which can also be something. If you want to be nothing you must leave the universe, which means that you will be something in nothing and the things inside of the universe will consider you as a something that is nothing at all, others may want to join you and become a something in nothing or nothing in something that we know nothing about, and if we know nothing about that something we therefore know something about it and that something is nothing.

But we must remember what was said earlier, nothing is something, so you must say both nothing and something when using either nothing or something in a common sentence. To achieve this almost
impossible task, we do this something the American way; by simplifying nothing (or something). For example we can join both nothing and something together to form somenothingthing. The word somenothingthing is to be used as something and nothing because something is nothing and nothing is
something. This something (or nothing) will be a required word added to each sentence of either something or nothing and as i just said something is two things because something is nothing.
We could do the logical something by using the word "everything" as both something and nothing instead of somenothingthing and that will make everything a 4 worded word. And if everything is everything including nothing and something (or somenothingthing) each word is a 4 worded word regardless of if it is referring to a thing, nothing, something, somenothingthing and everything. Because of this the entire English language will have to be changed. This new English language; which is something and therefore as I have said earlier it is nothing, somenothingthing and everything; can be called 'English Somenothingthing'. To conclude this meaning of somenothingthing which is nothing and something and everything, if you add it up Everything contains 8 words due to the change in the English language.

For the most simplistic yet most explainable explanation of "Absolute Nothing", see the essay "Berashith" by A. Crowley (which can be found easlily online).

==An example of Nothing==

Tiananmen Square 1989 - Nothing happened

1937-1945 Japan - Nothing Happened

The Crusades - Nothing happened (not even [[cannibalism]])

==Nothing recipes==
Flat Nothing<br>
Take out a rolling pin. Roll it across the table. Serves no one.

''Nothing Stir-Fry''<br>
On a saucer, wave a wooden [[spoon]] around. Enjoy.

''Nothing Delight''<br>
On a clean plate, twirl your fork for a few seconds. Enjoy. (Serves 1)

''Nothing Like It''<br>
Break all of your plates except for one of them, then take out the last one. (Serves 3)

''Nothing Quite Like It''<br>
Break all of your plates, then drive to the store where you buy all of your kitchenware, and break all of their plates. (Serves 1)

''Crispy Nothing''<br>
Heat a pan on the stove to 450 degrees for 1 minute, then preheat your oven to 350 degrees, making sure nothing is inside. After 10 minutes, open your oven. Wait until your house is in equilibrium with the oven. (serves 5)

''Nothing Double Decker''<br>
In between two slices of sandwich bread, wave your hand twice, holding one of the slices 7 inches above the other. (Serves 2)

''Nothing Upside-Down Cake''<br>
Turn pan over.

Such tasty delights, these treats will keep you hungry for more or less. Yum!

The Nothing Diet:

Don't eat.

This is our famous diet program which has helped many people to regain their long absent youthful self-image. This much publicized diet can help you lose weight, help you save money, save time by reducing trips to the restroom, reduce clothing costs by allowing you to "retro-fit" into your old clothing, even save space in your compact car.

Of course, there are more possible benefits than the obvious personal benefits. Another great use for our diet program is righting the wrongs of history. Use our diet program to make people take notice of your social concern. Many have changed the world or died trying using our great diet program! Please note: If you use our program to adjust the social climate please remember to get a good publicist.

This diet is back by popular demand.

==Technical problems of Nothing==
{{wikipedia}}
[[Image:Black.png|140px|thumb|Artist's depiction of Nothing. Except that it is too[[Africa| black]], so you cant see the nothing. '''ARGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!''']]

Nothing is the absence of existence. However, since there is an article '''about''' nothing, then obviously there has to be '''something''', right? And then there's the name. Nothing has a name. That name is void. Therefore nothing has a name and therefore since there is nothing in nothing nothing has to be a concept. But that means it '''is''' something, but nothing is nothing, it's void, it's empty, there '''is nothing''' in it. But there is something there, there is a void. '''THERE IS A VOID'''. The void '''IS THERE'''. Right '''THERE''' in front of you, '''THERE IS A VOID. IT IS THERE. IT EXISTS!'''

Nothing is a word it is not a void it is not anything except for a word but that would mean it is something not nothing but nothing is a word to describe well.... nothing. It is not a void and you cannot die and join nothing because if anyone could die and just join nothing then nothing would not have even existed millions of years ago so therefore nothing is as the word states...

nothing.
Nothing is nothing yet something all at the same time... '''HOW DOES THAT WORK???'''

... What you just saw is a blank. There is NOTHING ON THE PAGE except tiny particles of dust on my screen.
But that means there IS something on the page. (long sigh).
I think i'm going to give up now. I'm going to lay down and die and enter the VOID! But wait! That means that when i enter it, it will no longer be a void, there will be something in it! ME!

This is hopeless. Give it up buddy. you're going to learn nothing from this article.
Darn. That means YOU ARE going to learn something. But THAT IS NOT NOTHING! RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

One version of the story of nothing goes as follows: Nothing started out as an ordinary nothing. However, it was sick of being misnamed so it worked hard, and harder, and harder until it became included in every darn song made by the Beatles. But even this wasn't enough, as it became power hungry and began invading the houses of ordinary people, dressed as encyclopedia sellers, door salesmen, and it also came in the form of pie-eating contest; a form no one saw coming. Nothing soon took over nothing and everything. It became CEO of CBS, which is why that channel has absolutely nothing, and sometimes even less than nothing, which is an incredible feat that ABC is trying to do itself.

Another version of the story of nothing goes like this:

Still others believe the following: Nothing has ever existed, in the sense that “it” hasn’t. Nothing wasn’t always called nothing. And at some point there were “intelligent” beings that “doubted, thought, and were”. Doubt was a thing. And they doubted the existence of so many things that virtually nothing escaped their doubt. Since nothing escaped doubt, it was thought that nothing was the only thing that was real. Never did they stop to doubt the thingness of nothing. Really, “it” was nothing, and therefore nothing to doubt. But still, nothing seemed all the more real.

Even more have come to believe this lie: After an eternity of doing nothing, “it” was so well known for “its” accomplishments that nothing was knighted by the Queen of Salmon.

In short, [[humans]] cannot comprehend "nothing".

== Horacio's Philosophical Implications of Nothing ==

[[Image:Nothin_lg.jpg|thumb|right|150px|Nothing. Except that is is a newspaper article, so ''is'' something. '''<big>[[AAAAAAA!|AAAAAA]]RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!</big>''']]
Nothing is the absence of existance. The human mind is incapable of comprehending something that doesn't exist, and it could be argued that simply by trying to imagine it we bring an approximation of it into existence, so the only "nothing" that can truly be called "nothing" is "nothing" that no one ever thinks about. Say "nothing" at least ten times, and listen carefully to the sound of it. The word then ceases to mean anything, but not even this nonsense nothing is close to the true nothing that doesn't exist in the minds of men, AND WOMEN.

To put it simply: Any form of nothing there is - on any level of existence - is "something", only that which is not is "nothing". Or even simpler: nothing does not exist.

Perhaps the simplest definition yet of nothing is this: '''nothing (n)--the active ingredient in homeopathic remedies.'''

Corollary ([[Existentialism|existence proof]]): You are presently reading all the [[Main-page|proof]] necessary to demonstrate that nothing not only exists but if it did not, humans would be compelled to create it.

==Empirical evidence: A statistical approach==
:In order to fully comprehend the the ramifications of the following section, please carefully follow the instructions of the following [[HowTo:Become Stupid in 21 days|link]].
The question about nothing is heavily being disputed among scholars and research scientists. What is this all about???????????? I don't know, anyway, to continue.....Based on statistics research at DumbBell Labs as part of Mathematical Sciences research, and also part of Computer Science research via a "dotted-line" relation a tradition of fundamental research driven by real-world applications going back to Walter Shoe and John Turkey shows that by continuing to focus on data from a host of challenging applications, new ways to think about, look at, and compute with nothing are being formulated.

Traditional statistical tools were used to analyze the wealth of data of nothing . The problem is perhaps most acute in the quest to understand how nothing interact to regulate nothing of loci, or locations around nothing. Such loci are often situated within nothing that participate in the same pathway as nothing being influenced, and a central goal is to understand this network of mutually influential nothingness and loci. Consider piecing together this puzzle for each of the many thousands of nothings and many thousands of potentially influential loci, and the old analytical tools simply can't keep up. In this article of nothing, statisticians and colleagues tackle the challenge with a new approach.

==Historical Event==
[[Image:nothinghappened1.JPG|thumb|right|150px|Historical Marker where nothing happened in [[1897]].]]Recently historians interpreters in collaboration with professional researchers are promoting public awareness about nothing that occurred [[somewhere]] in 1897 and its subsequent impact on the modern world. Analysts interviewed about the said event replied "Duhh, What!!?? I don't know! What the fuuck is this all about!!". A witness was asked to give his personal testimony and replied : "Well, I was just doing my thing then at exactly between 1 AM and 12 PM, nothing happened."

== Nothing - The Chemical Element ==

[[Nothing]] is an element that defies description, easily the least reactive, and it is virtually impossible to find a contaminated substance. It is recognized by its structure: no electrons orbiting a nucleus of no protons and no neutrons. Its oxidation states are something of a mystery. It has every possible oxidation state imaginable, since there is no element that it can't bond to without being obliterated, yet it has none, since there are no valence electrons for it to share.

The alchemists trick of turning lead into gold may be something of a medieval quackery but the practice of turning [[Nothing]] into [[gold]] is not only achievable but easy (with the presence of gold)

Ng + Au = Au

In fact when [[Nothing]] comes into contact with any substance, [[Nothing]] is obliterated. Likewise, when a substance is totally destroyed, [[Nothing]] is left. Harmful levels of the element have been detected on planet [[Earth]] on multiple occasions. When the [[Americans]] dropped the [[Atom Bomb]] on Hiroshima, [[Nothing]] was left and thus the population became sick. Likewise, in several African nations where [[Nothing]] is eaten by the general public, famines usually strike. Nothing is the primary export of the [[Nothing belt]].

{{Elementdata|symbol=Ng|name=Nothing|number=0|melts=-0|boils=+0|left=[[Shit]]tium|right=[[Anus|Analium]] |above=[[The Force|Forcium]]|below=[[Telekinesis|Telekenisium]]}}
|-
|Atomic Weight || 0
|-
|Known Isotopes || Ng-0
|-
|Electric Charge || 0 eV
|-
!colspan="2" bgcolor="#ffdead" | Properties Only Real [[Nerd]]s Understand
|-
|Hefner Force || 0
|-
|Magnetic Domain Sensitivity || 0
|-
|Oxidation States || '''+0''', 0, '''-0'''
|-
|First Ionization energy || -0 kJ/mol
|-
|Second Ionazation energy|| -0 kJ/mol
|-
|Elector affinity|| +0 kJ/mol
|-
|Xenobilogical potential ||
|-
|Prototronic value ||
|-
|Iso-ptero-ortotronical protuberation status ||
|-
|Tachyon capability ||
|-
|Tachyon incapablily status ||
|-
|Unified physics using ||
|-
|Tachyon amel-thet field status ||
|-
|Pozitronic matrix capability ||
|-
|Teleinfiltration transphase coordination ||
|-
|Subatomic particle string state ||
|}

== What does nothing look like? ==

[[Nobody]] knows what nothing actually looks like. If you could see nothing, then you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. Hence, you would be blind, and would not know what anything else looks like to be able to differentiate between nothing and something. Nothing is rumored to look like a plain-white space, but how could this be true if one could see it? It couldn't be, because it's nothing. You could say that nothing is transparent, but if it was, then how would you know if nothing was there or not?

It is much easier to say that nothing looks just like “it” tastes or smells. In fact, nothing looks the same as “it” appears, sounds or feels like.

== Riddle about Nothing ==

What man loves more than life

Fears more than death or mortal strife

What poor men have, the rich acquire

And all contended men desire

What Misers spend and the Wastrels save

And each man carries to his grave

What would enjoy being sick

And the only thing worse than most chick flicks

== Poem about Nothing ==

NOTHING LIKE A POEM IS WRITTEN HERE because there's nothing to write. (no, seriously, there IS a poem about nothing, except for reasons that it may be [[copyright]]ed, it is not allowed to appear). You'll just have to find the poem about nothing, in hopes that it has not disappeared into nothingness. Good Luck!!! However, we can assure you that it is nothing compared to other poems.

==The Ultimate Truth of All Truths==
The ultimate truth in the universe is absolute nothing exists. The only thing that is constant in the universe is absolutely nothing***. Nothing defines nothingness.

It is said "we come from nothing and shall return to nothing". Blame [[Eric Idle]] for this, though that Bowie chap with his "ashes-to-ashes" had it pretty much right, as ashes are pretty much nothing (but not actually nothing).

As [[Douglas Adams]] observed, with an infinite improbability anything can happen. The reciprocal of this, is that with 100% certainty nothing must happen simultaneously. Spontaneous temporal problems (such as the appearance of a small piece of fairy cake) can arise in this situation. Typically, someone eats this cake, thus rendering it (and the accidental appearance) back to nothing, correcting causality. The Total Perspective Vortex uses this mechanism to point out to the observer that they are, in fact, nothing. In a very big thing, which is also nothing. And then we get to [[Escher|M.C. Escher]]'s etching of the two hands of nothing drawing each other. But that's another article, shurley?

See also a discourse on this by Nothing (0.) itself [http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:Dspart&oldid=119563146].

Actually, the ultimate truth in the universe is 42, but nothing is a part of everything...so nothing also is the ultimate truth in the universe.

== Common Criticisms ==

{{Q|Exactly the same, Proog! Nothing!|Emo|nothing (to Proog)}}

Nothing can, and usually does, go terribly, horribly wrong. This commonly results in [[Good thing|good things]] happening, which is [[Logic|logically]] impossible. 27 out of 30 [[The Beatles|Beatles]] agree that nothing should be avoided at all costs.

{{Q|Nothing really matters.|Freddie Mercury|nothing}}

{{Q|About much ado.|William Shakespeare|nothing}}

== What Isn't Nothing? ==
[[image:Absolutely_nothing.jpg|thumb|275px|Nothing.]]
Nothing is the large piece of land commonly known as Russia.

Nothing is nothing if not itself. And it isn't itself, or anything else for that matter, which is the very thing that makes "it" exist. The selflessness of nothing is nothing of note. Due to this notoriety many existentialist works have been written to debunk nothing, and it worked! They have proved that nothing can possibly exist without itself. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take that to the bank! Note too the fact that nothing is in the very same sense that "it" isn't. It naturally follows that nothing is the same wherever you go. This is true in both senses, and creates a certain constant.

==Summary==

[[Nihilism|This page intentionally left blank]], because Bastian was too scared to name the childlike Empress in a timely manner. See ''[[Never Ending Story]].''

==This Section Has Nothing In It, Thats Why I'm Explaining Things In The Title, You See If It Was In The Article It'd Have Something In It Therefore Making Nothing Redundant, But You May Be Thinking "Hey IF Its Nothing Why Doesn't The Title Have Nothing, Well You Were Obviously Thinking Of Nothing When You Found This Article So Keep Thinking It==

==Buy Nothing Day==
Buy Nothing Day is a cunning advertising plot, forcing you to buy twice as much the day before, thereby running up and even bigger credit card debt that you can be surcharged for and leaving nothing in your wallet. To compensate for this stroke of bad luck, try some [[shopping|retail therapy]].

==Nothing in popular culture==
* There's nothing like a [[HowTo:Play_%22Eruption%22_by_Van_Halen_on_guitar|nice tune]], is there?
* There's nothing on TV at the moment, which is why you're on the internet (or you're bored at school or work).
* According to "The X-Files," "Nothing Important Happened Today."
* Steve Perry's career, while once something else, is now nothing.

== ==

==Explanation of the previous section==

See how there's nothing at all under the previous section? That's to show what nothing at all is. Therefore, Uncyclopedia does a great job of explaining what nothing at all is.
<br>

==Not for Nothing, but. . .==

But what happens if you take Nothing and eliminate from it everything that does not exist, and then eliminate Nothing itself? And then eliminate what's not left? What do you have then, flyboy?

Huh?

''[[Something Else]].''

== Situations in which Nothing can be used ==

* [[Mathematics|Purgatory]]
* Zen Buddhism

==How to see nothing ==
# Look at this:
# Type <code>about:blank</code> in your [[web browser]]'s address bar.

==Dividing by Nothing==
Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to divide something by nothing. Whenever you try to divide something by nothing, you will almost certainly get an "ERROR" sign. However, there is a .000000000431% percent chance that you will manage to successfully divide something by nothing, and you will cause a black hole to erupt in the space-time continuum where you are currently sitting. Afterward, this will bring about [[Armageddon]]. Therfore, despite the rather low chance that you actually will cause the world to be sucked into oblivion and be ripped apart atom from atom, we, the experts of Uncyclopedia, simply suggest you do not attempt it. Any attempts to do so is a direct violation of the 4th law of Uncyclopedia, and will cause those Mofo PoPo to come arrest your sorry ass.

==Have you tried this==
Simply lie still. Even this is not nothing, but it is the closest you will ever get. If you wish to actually do nothing, talk to your local scientist. He will know nothing on how to do this. Eureka!

==See also==

*[[Template:Nothing|A useful template for those interested in the subject]]
*[[Nothing belt]]
*[[Not Anything]]
*[[No]]
*[[Nihilism]]
*[['Tain't neither]]
*[[Thing]]
*[[North Dakota|The largest amount of nothing in any given place]]
*[[Nothingness]]
*[[A Related Link]]
*[[Everything There Is To Know About Everything There Is]]
*[[Seinfeld]]
*[[Something]]
*[[Air]]
*[[End of the Internet]]
*[[An article that contains nothing but a full stop|An alternate view on nothingness]]
<center>{{cleanup}}</center>
<center>{{Ape-Shit Crazy}}</center>

[[Category:Everything]]
[[Category:Materials]]
[[Category:Chemistry]]
[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]
[[Category:Stuff that lonely women mastuurbate over]] [[Category:Ape-Shit Crazy]]
[[Category:Things George Bush most certainly cares about]]
[[Category:Things that don't exist]]
[[Category:things you can't destroy with a million daleks]]

[[pt:Nada]]
[[cs:Nic]]
[[de:Nichts]]
[[es:Nada]]
[[fr:Rien]]
[[hu:Semmi]]
[[it:Niente]]
[[nl:Niets]]
[[no:Ingenting]]
[[pl:Nic]]
[[sk:Nič]]
[[zh:没有东西]]
[[zh-tw:沒有東西]]
[[he:כלום]]
[[ru:ничего]]

Christianity

2010-02-09T16:54:31Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

{{whoops|Autism}}
{{Q|No mommy! No! Anything but that!.|[[You]]|The Church}}
{{Q| Imma Christian dammit! I go to fuucking goddamn motherfuucking shit dick CHURCH!|[[Texan]]|his/her faith}}
{{Q|And the idiots actually bought it!|[[Jesus]]|Christians}}

'''Christians''' is the plural form of the word Christian. A Christian is a person who either a) is named Christian, or b) follows a religion called Christianity. Option "b)" is the one this article discusses. Christianity is a monounsaturated religion where the followers believe that a Middle Eastern man, whose Twitter name is lost to history, declared himself a god and that all humans should take his word for it. This involves praying to a cross to save us from a really hot land that exists deep below the Earth; routinely eating bread and wine (grape juice, if you're a minor) that symbolize his body shed for us; finding security in the fact that someone is watching you-always, loves you, and is taking care of you, but will send you to burn in hell for all eternity if you disobey him once; believing that homosexuality between consenting adults is a sin that is on par with all others (yes, including jaywalking) and routinely trying to get rid of the horrible stereotype Catholics have given all the various other types of Christians. Preachers and the pope take a role in trying to take your money to "feed the poor" (or build the church and buy new Prada shoes, even though jesus taught modesty).

==Christians A.K.A the guys with the leaflets==
{{Unchristianity}}
:''This page has been screened by FOX News™ for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given terror-proof protection for her pleasure. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully embraced the qualities of the greatest State to ever produce the greatest President in world history. Please also note that no other alternative views exist. Long live the Dominion of America.''
{{Q|Thu Shalt Burn in Hell O Hail Satan!|A page from the bible}}
{{Q|You're going to hell, you're going to hell, and you're going to hell, too!|Random Catholic|The World}}
{{Q|There are few pleasures as great as watching Christians being eaten by lions, especially if that Christian is Mark Twain.|Oscar Wilde|Christians}}
{{Q|How much miracles can a miracle worker work, if a miracle worker could work miracles?|God|Jesus}}
{{Q|We just put Jesus on the cross so that he would die, like everyone else, we didn't know they would use it as a symbol of their religion. |Romans|the Cross}}
{{Q|Christianity is such a great time-saver! I used it to paralyze my child with fear and now I no longer need to waste my Fox News time using discipline like normal, intelligent parents do. Thanks Jesus! *thumbs up*|Lazy Christian parent|Christianity}}
{{Q|In Soviet Russia, Hell goes to you.|Joseph Stalin|Hell}}
{{Q|I r tell u. Ju5t co5 u r n0t s33 tr1n1ty 1n teh biebl do3z n0t m33n i r n0t kr1stainzz. Teh tr1n1ty r m1st3r33|L337 Priest|The Trinity}}
'''Christians''' are a primitive creature and veterinarian-recommended type of food for Roman lions. Generally thriving in warm, dark and moist conditions, Christians never evolved in prehistoric times and thus consist of only basic elements such as carbon and hydrogen. Often Christians believe they are not made of elements, but rather created of thin air.

Lions in the wild often suffer from a lack of Vitamin ''C'' (Which is short for Christians.) Christians contain essential vitamins and nutrients that allow lions to have a proper diet and remain at the top of the food chain.

It is said that if Christians ever evolve than the lions will be forced onto the endangered species list. Christians can only evolve by eating fruit from a tree in a Garden. According to a magical talking snake, this fruit contains knowledge.

The leader of the Christian insurgency, God, strictly prohibits this as it allows Christians to climb the evolutionary ladder. The worship of God's estranged hippie son Jesus is common among Christians as they often follow in herds. This behavior is not unlike the so called "rack of lamb, of god" who was born to a woman named the [[Virgin Mary]], who claimed her son was born after she "didn't have sex with a bottle of tomato juice"

Indigenous Christians have only three sources of knowledge: The Bible, [[Fox News]], and [[Emperor Palpatine]] and one more sacred sorce of knowledge yet to be released by these 'mysterious' beings.

[[Image:Pits4thelord.jpg|thumb|left|500px|A hot Christian dude from Texas bares his pits of musky power for the Lord in all-American athleticism.]]

==Christian ties to the Sith==
Many Humans today have evolved enough to not believe in Christianity. Still Logic is not part of Christian DNA. It is believed that molecules of the force influenced primitive Christians to believe in concepts now disproved by the Jedi Council, the US [[Supreme Court]] (and the [[Even Supremer Court]]), and the United Nations.

The leader of the Christians [[Pope Benedict XVI]]A.K.A Pope Bendydick controls all Catholics (Most normal Christians find him kinda wack-o) from his base, the [[Vatican City]]. The Pope is infalliable, or he can't be wrong. :-)

Through control of [[George W Bush|Darth Bush]] and [[Fox News]], [[Pope Benedict XVI]] has merged Christianity with the dark side of the force, the Sith (see: [[Republicans]]).

He has used his position of power to help contribute to [[Republican]] rule through force. This is mostly seen through the US Military Stormtroopers, The Lord's Resistance Army of the [[Galactic Empire]] of Africa.

== Jesus ==
Jesus Xavier Christ was also born of "a virgin birth," or nowadays what is called "an affair." He was a very very dark skinned Jewish Carpenter. He also lived alongside Dinosaurs, which is proven by schmience. Jesus died with the dinosaurs, but many people talk to Jesus via telepathy since he was magically reborn like a magic mushroom. -Such believers also believe in monsters, the Easter Bunny, fairies, supply-side economics and Santa Claus.

Nowadays Jesus is also a reflex. This can be witnessed when your Dad is pissed off and yells, "'''JESUS'''" The origin of this can be traced to Christianity's growth in Spain. The legend states that the Spanish church had a dog named Jesus (pronounced Hey-Zeus). Locals had so much trouble pronouncing the dogs name correctly that they would often bear wittiness to Priests telling the name "JESUS" at them. Today yelling Jesus is widely consider a proper way to respond to claims of the Church.

== Inkabink, an example of a Christian ==
Inkabink (also known is Vicky) is a single mother and is currently member of ChristianForums.com where she socialise
shit stuff with other Christian weirdoes because she has no man in her life. Inkabink strongly believes that ''No one has that right (for their desire for a spouse) fulfilled. We have those desires because we are human. As Christians we should focus on seeking the will of God as well as pursue a personal relationship with Him, or Her, if God is a woman, which she most probably is considering males are a 'mutated' form of female due to their Y-chromosome. Ha, ha. You mutants.'' Which is pretty fuucking gay (or neurotic).

She loves Jesus so much that she has developed a '''Jesus Fetish''', and expresses this by mastuurbating with a crucifix up her vagina. At her local church Inkabink pursues this relationship with [[God]] by sucking the penis of Christian advocate, [[Jerry Falwell]] .

Because of her strong faith and radical feminism, InkaBink has no man in her life because she is fuucking weird. Inkabink frequents around the singles forums where she expresses an unhealthy obsession of [[Twilight]] and has a tattoo of "Edward has licked here" embedded on her vagina. Her obsession for Twilight and New Moon and be found here [[http://www.christianforums.com/t7408517/]]

'''''"I mastuurbate to that movie!" Inkabink on Twilight, November 2008'''''

Inkabink claims she has the heart of warrior but close friends say she has "the vagina so wide as she had sexual intercourse with an elephant" - that dirty whore.

== The Bible ==
[[Image:Robertson Strains To Fart For Jesus.jpg|thumb|right|250px|[[Pat Robertson]], host of television's '''The Lions Club''', witnessess the power of the Lord.]]
The Bible is a rewritten version of the Jewish Torrah. It was rewritten and printed for distribution on a massive scale at ''[[Walmart]]'' and to help spread peace and love on earth.

The bible is composed of ideas from Paganism, Cavemen, Fox News, Roman dictators, and the US Military.

The bible is best read aloud in selective passages related to Republican politics. This is often done by a lonely man who is not married and has sex with children.

The bible's pages are also commonly used to roll joints.

The bible is non-fictional piece of literature written by men who talked to themselves and killed Jews.

Normal people who necessarily don't like the church who ask "why the fuuck the New Testament said who ever eats this bread (the body of Christ) will have ever-lasting life? Why can't they just say whoever believes in Christ will have ever-lasting life in heaven?"

The bible supports numerous peaceful and god-worshiping practices such as:

'''Incest'''
Deuteronomy 22:13-18 tells us the wonderful story of how a father can stick his finger into his daughter's vagina to help prove that she is a virgin, repeatedly.

'''Sexism'''
{{Q|Let a woman learn in silence with all submissiveness. I permit no woman to teach or to have authority over men; she is to keep silent. |1 Tim 2|The Bible}}

'''Loving thy Neighbor'''
{{Q|If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky… Take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death with really good bud, this may take a while, be patient. |Donteronomy 17:2-7.2|The Bible}}

'''Not listening to rock music'''
{{Q|Thou shalt not listen to any music that contains an electric guitar or contains the use of logical information not presented through the scientific text known as the bible. |Your Parents: 24-7|The Bible}}

'''Slavery'''
{{Q|Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property. You can will them to your children as inherited property and can make them slaves for life. |Leviticus 25:44|The Bible}}

{{Q|If a man beats his male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies as a direct result, he must be punished, but he is not to be punished if the slave gets up after a day or two, since the slave is his property.|Exodus 21:20|The Bible}}

'''George Bush and Mike Huckabee'''
{{Q|Let all men who read the bible be opposed to science and gain great wealth at the expense of others. Support all who love war and wish to kill all who are not white Americans who listen to Country Music and sing weekly at Church. |Republicans: 08!|The Bible}}

'''The Dark Side of the force'''
{{Q|Let all men worship Pope Benedict to defeat the Jedi Rebels and gain infinite control of the universe. |Palpatine 666:1 |The Bible}}

{{Q|Good. I can feel your anger. I am defenseless. Take your weapon - strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey to the Dark Side will be complete. |Palpatine: 316| The Bible}}

'''Homosexuality'''
{{Q|Thou shalt not tickle the chocolate starfish. Unless you're over 45 and a priest with Scouts experience. |Epilogue 1:1|The Bible}}

==Christians do not believe in==
*Racial or gender equality (Nice Christians of the [[KKK]] type burn crosses on your lawn and burn your church down if you're not white like Jesus. Wait a moment! Jesus wasn't white. He was a dark-skinned Jewish Israeli. If you're not white the nice white Christians hate you anyway.)
** Correction: FOX News idiots believe Martin Luther King Jr. was a good Christian, would turned conservative have he had lived and only "race industry liberals" classify people into "races" being the social construct it is. They said Hitler was a socialist, Himmler was a pagan and Jews are innocent "god's chosen people".
*Socialism or Liberalism and compares it with "godless" Communism.
*Medicine/Psychiatry (Psychiatrists are '''''atheist liars''''', there is no such thing as mental illness, it is demonic spirits)
*[[Evolution]] (it's just a theory!)
*Gravity (it's just a theory that a Christian scientist came up with).
*Any and all education except [[Intelligent Design]] (this is using the term 'education' very loosely.)
*Common sense, clocks, chairs, trash cans, stickers, body parts, books, anything wood besides crosses, pussy (cats), pencils, the moon, mushrooms, sea shells, and purple hats.
*Doing whatever you feel like. (like an animal =0)
*Being a zombie that never does anything but swear and joke about sex.
*Any (product of) science unless it directly benefits them. (Cars, phones, computers, air conditioners, etc.)
*Agreeing to disagree.
*Pacifism (it's probably of the devil). Christians went to war with Iraq and left the country more violent than before. No problem!They were Christians and [[George Bush]] is a Christian so there.
*Respecting the fact that their children have their own brains. Christian Children must be educated to see things the way their parents, their teachers, their preachers see things. Christian Cnildren need chastisement if they resist instruction.
*[[Liberals]], [[Democrats]] and free-thinkers.
*Seeing the world from someone else's point of view.
*Being worthwhile members of society.
*Altruism (god will reward them for every single good deed they do, it is impossible for a christian to truly do something selflessly).
* Anything that is proven by science (big bang, evolution, gravity, oxygen, reproduction, homosexuals, richard dawkins)
* Flying spaghetti monster, he tastes good.
* Italian food, because pizza is the devil!
* Science (esp. the "evils" of Creationism).
* Anything that makes sense, excluding this article
* Christianity (I'm not joking. Read a history book on the 30-year war).
* Other religions (because they believe "are wrong" and Ann Coulter once said "Jews need to be perfected").
* But according to Mel Gibson, his Anglican wife can't come to heaven with him and Old Order Catholics knew Jews killed christ.
* However, Mormons with Jehovah's Witnesses and Seventh-day Adventists agree on one thing: The Pope is antichrist, Satan incarnata and a false prophet who hates Protestants anyways.

==Popular Custom Blends==
Besides the Christians put into various blends of ''Purina Lion Chow'', there is ''[[Catholic|Catholic Lion Chow]]'', ''[[Baptists|Southern Baptist Lion Chow]]'' (tastes like [[chicken]]!) and for those lions that are picky eaters, ''[[Mormons|Mormon Lion Chow]]''. Today, as in ancient times, wild dogs, bears, and wolves are loosed on Christians. Research by veternarians has borne out the theory that supplementing wild [[Why?:Be a carnivore?|carnivore]]'s diet with Christians is essential to good health and [[longevity]]. Some ingredients include: Christians are required to chop their dick off at birth and this aplies for everyone since there is no such thing as women in Islamity so all the Christian women you sen were born men. Women are not born christians because under christianaity women are evil.

There are also a number of less popular blends, composed of [[sin]]ful Christians generally available, also called the [[Left Behind]]. All Christians are incredibly stupid, easily argued with and can be killed by lions or with first grade logic. Therefore Dr. Spock is the Christian's natural enemy.

"They make great torches!" -Nero

==In Sports And Entertainment==
[[Image:Lioncar.png|right|thumb|250px|First boat race between [[Narnian]] Lions and Christians. Lions realized they couldn't row, so decided to ignore the ''"boat"'' part.]]
Many [[Pagans]] and [[Atheist]]s enjoy watching lions eat, so much so that they began crowding into zoos. For this reason, the [[Roman Empire]] built structures known as ''"Colosseums"'' to accommodate the throngs of lion-enthusiasts. Weekends, invented by ''Julius Goober Prolapse'' in 12 AD, would fill these architectural behemoths to capacity with [[blood]]-thirsty [[citizens]]. After the chance encounter of an [[elephant]] and an unknown Christian in 17 AD, it was discovered that the [[beast]]s enjoyed stomping them to [[death]] with very little encouragement. This day marked the beginning of a whole new level of extreme sport.

In modern times this has [[evolved]] into a highly successful [[commercial]] venture, especially after becoming syndicated with [[sports]] and [[news]] networks in the [[liberal media conspiracy]]. The most popular show featuring lions eating Christians is the <s>[[700 Club]]</s> Lions Club.

Such rivalry between Lions and Christians arose in 2005, when [[Narnia]]n Lions decided they too wanted their own [[Messiah]]. After many casualties in both sides (due to bad digestions and being eaten, respectively), differences are now often settled in the [[Oxbridge|Oxbridge annual boat race]].

Note: For a completely accurate version of the notorious Christians-vs-Lions story, see ''[[Are You Hungry Enough To Eat A Barbary Lion?]]''.

==Lawsuits==
Animal rights activists are suing Purina, makers of ''Lion Chow'', for including a non-Christian ingredient, the [[DaVincii Code]], in shipments bound overseas in an effort to cut costs. It turns out that lions will eat and tolerate ''some'' DaVincii Code, but proves fatal when eaten in a [[den]]. [[Lawyers]] on both sides call each other filthy names on a regular basis, just to keep in practice.

Rival ''Gaines'', of Gaines Burger dog food fame, was indirectly involved with Christian consumption lawsuits when they introduced ''Shark Chow'', made of only the finest cuts of litagator. The resulting shortage of [[legal]] professionals caused the ''Great Litigation Shortage'' in 1986.

==The consumption of Jesus==
Like oil and water, logic and Christianity do not mix.

We are talking about a bunch of creatures who loved the remains of a dead hippie who was also the greatest gamer to ever exist. They found his remains on a field shortly after his death.

They saw nothing wrong with Jesus, as he was delicious. After he was eaten they discovered grapes and wheat. They then decided he could be constantly reborn in the form of crackers and wine. (See also "truthiness.")

There are 3 reasons why "he" creates amd we believed him all those centuries ago:

1) They were too primitive to use opposable thumbs and pick knowledge fruit (Aka apples, mushrooms or tomatoes) from trees.
2) Life was depressing without a leader of the flock. Jesus was a beautifully presented Rack of Lamb that was found in the wild of Israel and easily consumed by Christian nomads.
3) He created us in his image, not from a monkey or an ape.
4) Castrating and consuming the penis of Michael Ellwood

== Videos of typical Christians==

<youtube>LACyLTsH4ac</youtube>

==Recalls==
Makers of Lion Chow were forced to recall the '''''[[George Dubya Bush|Dubya]]''''' blend. There seems to be no rational explanation for the fact that the lions simply refuse to eat it.

==See also==
*[[Christianity]]
*[[shit]]
*[[Opinion]]
*[[Pope Benedict]]
*[[Virgin Mary]]
*[[Reasons not to be a devout Christian]]
*[[Reasons to become an atheist]]
*[[Masochristian]]
*[[Are you a heretic]]

== External links ==
*[http://www.burningcross.net/crusades/christian-missionary-atrocities.html] - Christian accomplishments.
*[http://www.orcmagazine.com/Google_Your_Race/Christians.html] - Google generated profile of "Christians".
*[http://www.rchurch.com] - Find a lion church in the united states.
*[http://www.churchtag.com] - Join prayer groups, view the bible, and search churches.
*[http://cgi.4chan.org/f/src/sillychristians.swf]-Emannuel!

{{Race}}
[[Category:Christianity]]
[[Category:People in Hell]]
[[Category:Things that make Baby Jesus cry]]

[[ar:مسيحية]]
[[da:Kristendom]]
[[de:Christentum]]
[[el:Χριστιανισμός]]
[[es:Cristianismo]]
[[fi:Kristinusko]]
[[fr:Christianisme]]
[[he:נצרות]]
[[it:Cristianesimo]]
[[ja:キリスト教]]
[[ko:기독교]]
[[nl:Christendom]]
[[no:Kristendom]]
[[pt:Cristianismo]]
[[ru:Христианство]]
[[sv:Kristendom]]
[[th:ศาสนาโอตาคุ]]
[[zh:耶家餅舖]]

Abortion facts

2010-02-09T16:51:32Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

{{Conservapedia}}

{{Q|Abortion Fail|Failblog|You}}
{{Q|Jesus! No abortion! Just get over that! NO ABORTION! Jesus Christ! How many times shall I repeat!? NO ABORTION!|Sentence that [[Christians]] wish Jesus had said}}
{{Q|I'm almighty. It's incredibly simple for me to give or take human life. Then why do you think I would care about abortions? With one decision I can make all women around the world pregnant or on the other hand I can make them infertile for life. So now answer yourself: what's the reason of banning abortions? You don't want child, that's your problem. You can have another child later.|[[God]]|banning abortions}}
'''Abortion''' is a simple, quick, and painless medical procedure in which an unwanted [[fetus]] is removed from its mother and discarded. It has been known to cause an intense, euphoric sensation in [[women]], and is therefore the most popular non-surgical medical procedure in [[America]].<ref>The most popular surgical medical procedure is stitching anal fissures.</ref>
Abortions are done in several ways. The most delight is the anal abortion, in which the doctor rams his hand up the mother's anus and then yanks the baby out through the colon. The mother's anus usually prolapses and rips open, causing intense pleasure for people into [[S&M]]. This procedure can also be done by the doctor while wearing nothing but a black leather mask.

[[Image:Abortionist Bucket.jpg|thumb|right|300px|Most mothers are too busy enjoying their abortion to care where the fetuses go, something abortion doctors count on.]]

== Origins of abortion ==
[[Image:Hanger.gif|thumb|right|250px|An early abortion tool.]]While abortions have been occurring [[Miscarriage|outside of hospitals]] for years, medically assisted abortions began in the late [[20th century]] when [[Feminism|feminists]] began looking for something else to do in their spare time. Since voting differently from their husbands went out of style almost as soon as its conception, the idea of killing fetuses arose as an alternative to getting their hair styled every weekend.

Someone who is famous for this and has gone down in history is Tara Newmark, who is an exceptional aborter. Her actions date back centuries. Like most aborters, Selina was once famous for saying "I'm going to have a baby" think again... Recently she had an abortion, it involved kicking the shit into her stomach thus liquidising the contents for the general Bob to drink in a smoothie, which has been said to be like "chewing a jelly baby". The reason why she had an abortion was unclear. Some believe the creature inside her was pure evil, others believe the baby was growing outside the fallopian tube. Either way it's evidently clear that business studies would not have been a worthwhile A/S if Selina Hussein hadn't had an abortion.

=== Roe v Wade ===
In 1970, best friends Linda Coffee and Sarah Weddington convinced their friend, Norma L. McCorvey, to have an abortion with them one Saturday morning. McCorvey had been a victim of rape and had never considered abortion as an option to end her unwanted pregnancy. Coffee and Weddington had allegedly become pregnant after a party just the night before for the sole purpose of having the abortion the next day. After McCorvey had her first abortion, she decided to sue the state of Texas and make abortion legal after realizing just how fun it was. Using the name Jane Roe (her nickname in college), she succeeded in bringing the case before the United States Supreme Court. The court decision to legalize abortion received a mixed reaction from the American population: joy at the legalization of abortion, and disappointment when they learned that abortions after the first trimester were still illegal.<ref>Hardcore party animals often allowed themselves to go well into their third trimester just to have a partial birth abortion, which reportedly gives the mother a better thrill.</ref>

[[Image:Gentsos.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Sometimes, the doctors will prepare the fetuses with a sweet pepper sauce and serve them with broccoli. For this, you must be a card member of that particular abortion clinic.]]

== Abortion Culture ==
Since ''Roe v Wade'', abortion has continued to grow in popularity as a woman's pastime. Many abortion clinics now have fan clubs, [[MySpace]] pages, and swimsuit calendars that are available around Christmas time every year.<ref>All of the models for said calendar are actually aborted fetuses. It is remarkable how easily one can find fetus-sized bikinis.</ref> Many women choose to go in for abortions with their friends as opposed to going to wine tastings or going jewelry shopping with their husbands/boyfriends/[[German Shepherd]]s.

Abortions have become a regular part of a young girl's life. For many, having one's first abortion is a ceremonious occasion. In some U.S./[[Mexico|Mexican]] border towns, it is traditional for a young girl to become impregnated on the night of her quinceañera so that she may have her first abortion the next day with her friends.

Among abortion enthusiasts,<ref>Now available at the Planned Parenthood online store: "Abortion Enthusiast" T-Shirts! Makes a great mothers day gift!</ref> an unofficial lexicon of various abortion-related phrases used in casual situations. Slang words include:
*'''Getting "scraped"''' - The act of having an abortion. In some cases can refer to having an abortion outside of a hospital or clinic.
*'''Goo, junk, dead baby syrup''' - The disgusting, foul, chewed up remains of a fetus after being sucked out of a woman's [[vagina]].
*'''Going in hot''' - The act of bringing an outside beverage, usually a coffee, into the clinic to enjoy while having an abortion.
*'''Prairie dog''' - A fetus that is aborted in a partial birth abortion.
*'''Doggie bag''' - The trash bag into which the remains of the fetus are scraped. Some clinics allow women to bring home the doggie bag to their German Shepherds so that they will buy them more jewelry.

[[Image:Vacuumcleaner.jpg|thumb|right|220px|The nozzle on this model was designed to ensure that no dead baby syrup remained in the vaginal canal after the abortion was complete.]]
== Innovations in abortion ==
In recent years, many advances have been made in abortion technology, which has led to breakthroughs in the speed, comfort, and cost effectiveness of abortions. Such innovations include the vacuum cleaner, which was first applied in abortion clinics in the early 1970s.<ref>Some old school women and Republicans still prefer the "romanticism" of the clothes-hanger method.</ref> The whirr of the machine, the rough, jarring suction, and the soulless face of the nozzle all make for a largely exciting experience for the no-longer-expectant-mothers. Doctors and clinic-goers alike praise the Vag-Vac (as fans like to call it) as being ''"truly beautiful...a work of art."''

Other innovations in abortion include comfortable recliner seats with cupholders, and membership cards similar to those at recreation centers for speedy check-ins.

== Recent breakthroughs in combat abortion warfare ==
The major scientific concensus over abortion is that it is for the good of humanity. Its effects are well known to fight off the dreaded diseases pregnancy, cancer, conservative-christian as well as AIDs, oh wait, not that last one.
The primary use of abortion is the combat of the deadly [[pregnancy]], where a [[parasite]] moves from its "sperm" stage into an egg stage so it can further develop (usually through hot butt [[sex]]). The fetuses require the transfering of host in order to further develop in the more spacious womb. These ''fetuses'' as some call them forcefully make their way into the abdomen of females (males sometimes get infected) and then begin to grow. It is clearly parasitic behaviour. Science has confirmed that despite giving the host glossier hair, they create back problems, amnesia, vomiting, nausea, the occasional anal bleeding/leakage and extreme bowel movements of up to 50 meters. They have been seen participating in clear parasitic behaviour through their feeding proboscis, the umbilical chord. This allows them to drain energy and foods for nomz off their host which is the fundamental definition of parasitical behaviour.
As the parasite gorges itself on its host's organs, it grows in size and requires more and more organs to sustain its lifestyle of doing nothing, eating, sleeping, fornicating with the spleen and plotting to kill Obama. Due to the increased weight, feet pain and back pain are further setbacks to its unfortunate host.
If no abortion is performed horrible consequences may follow.

After 9 months of feeding off its host, the parasite prepares to leave as a plump transformed fetus. This is known as labor. Labor is said to be:

“THE MOST HORRIBLE AGONY EVER!!!” ( - one female who was used as a host to a parasite).

Not only do all hosts suffer pain, but they can also die. They can die from the parasite leaving the body (it tears, oh yes, it tears). Not only this but the parasites find it hard to overcome bad habits and becomes a [[baby]]. The baby’s lifestyle is similar to that of its former self as a parasite. It abuses something called the MATERNAL INSTINCT. It cries, expects the host to look after it, craps everywhere, makes annoying noises, smells funny, is incredibly hard to look after and requires up to a further 40 years of sucking away her life. Again although no longer a parasite, it continues its parasitic behavior. All this is extremely traumatic and many hosts suffer from depression known as post-natal depression. Some may even emo themselves because of this parasite. By abusing the maternal instinct some parasites use the host as a slave to feed, clean up after and wash them.

Yet, there is a way to fight off the babies, fetus, and the disease pregnancy in any of its stages. "Humanely" insert a syringe full of poison into the head, release poison into head. This magnificent tool is the antidote, the cure, the saviour of pregnancies everywhere. This method of abortion is suitable for people of all ages and works quite efficiently.

Some crazy females actually don’t mind the parasite. But we all know to ignore them and leave crazy people alone to fight the invisible [[owls]] by ourselves... those crazy people can’t see them... Fools!
So supporting abortion is supporting the war on terror... with terror being those parasitic things that force themselves into your abdomen and then swell up and burst forth in a wave of different fluids.

Arm yourself, the trumpets of war, I can hear them... go falcon punch a pregnant lady. FOR THE MIGHTY INQUISITION, we will cleanse and purge the unclean. [[Your mum]] is confirmed as a parasite bearer, I suggest you enact the grand inquisition upon her(-etics).

==Abortion Lag==
Due to recent observations "baby-killing" will no longer be considered infanticide but Abortion Lag. This statement is due to the increase in politically correct jargon. People who have recently been sent to jail for infanticide can now make an appeal due to the new knowledge regarding Abortion Lag.

- Democratic National Review Board of Internet Atrocities -

== Public opinion ==
Abortion is wildly popular in the United States. Many churches and other Christian organizations have come out in support of the procedure, citing its merit as an opportunity to engage in constructive fellowship with one's friends, as long as it keeps them from committing adultery.

Some liberal activists, however, disapprove of abortion. [[Hilary Clinton]], senator of [[New York]], is staunchly anti-abortion, claiming that abortion is the equivalent of murder. ''"Besides,"'' she said once as she was getting back into her Hummer H2 ''"[[God]] does not approve of abortion."''

{{Pregnancy}}

== Footnotes ==
<small>{{reflist}}</small>

[[Category:Medicine]]
[[Category:Women]]
[[Category:Pregnancy]]

Guantanamo Bay Detention Camp

2010-02-09T16:48:54Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

{| align="center" class="wikitable"
|-
!'''ATTENTION'''
|-
|''This page has been screened by MSNBC™ for authenticity and impartiality, and has been given Republican-proof protection [[condom|for her pleasure]]. While this may be difficult to imagine, there persists a segment of the population who haven't fully understood the stupidity of the worst President in world history. Click on the following link for a first-hand look at the alternative conservative-laden view: [[George W. Bush|The Biography of Dubya as written by heathens]]. Please also note that no other alternative views exist.''
|}
{{Whoops|obstructionism}}
{{Whoops|Idiocracy}}
{{Q|They misunderestimated me!|George Dubya Bush|American voters}}
{{Q|We fuucked up big time.|[[George H. W. Bush|George H. W.]] and [[Barbara Bush]]|George Dubya Bush}}

{{Infobox President | name=George Walker Texas Ranger Dubya Bush (a.k.a. Sheriff George Wanker Bushwood “The Man with No Brain”)
| nationality='Merkin
| image name=BUSH FINGER.jpg
| caption=I'm here to spread freedome all over these internets.
| order=Fuuck KnowsTH President
| date1=[[2001]]
| date2=the year that black dude came along. He interupted!
| preceded=[[Bill Clinton|Slick Willie Blythe]]
| succeeded=[[Barack Obama|That one]]
| date of birth=July 6, 1946
| place of birth=Barbara's Bush
| dead=alive
| date of death=Soon after the Apocalypse he carries out.
| date of resurrection=April 2nd, 1460 B.C.
| place of death=Beside Satan and his Horde facing the gathered righteous and God Damn it, for the final battle for Middle Earth.
| wife=A different one every night, though most of them were really [[John McCain|men with wigs]].
| party=[[Republican Party|Inbred Hicks]]
| vicepresident=[[Dick Cheney|Prick Chainy]]}}
{{NoWikipedia}}

'''George “Generalissimus Maximus” “The Decider” Bush''' (born July 6, 1946) '''''was''''' the final president of the Totalitarian American Empire (its successor is the [[Obama|United Liberal Abortionist Republic of Change and Hope]]). Bush was “elected” after a [[robbery|close race]] against challenger [[Al Gore]] in the 2000 Presidential Rip-off and then “re-elected” by voters in 2004. It was a sympathy vote. He previously served as the forty-sixth Governor of [[Texas|Hickville]] from 1995 to 2000. He is the eldest son of 41st President of the United States [[George H. W. Bush]], from whom he received his [[platinum]] spoon.

Jesus George, as he's called by people close to him, is a member of the [[White People|Republican]] Party, also known as the [[Republican|Screw the Peasants]] Party. He is known for his unconventional style of politics, such as aiming a stream of urine at his opponents, screeching while jumping up and down on them, and, in general, keeping his head up his ass. His work day consisted of finger-painting and pasting macaroni on [[serious business|official government documents]] (something [[Dick Cheney|Prick Cheney]] repeatedly told him was a “no-no”). He loves non-alcoholic beer and [[Splenda|sugar-free]] frozen treats, and spent most of his presidency on his ranch, taking three naps a day and posing for photos in which he pretended to be clearing brush. He holds the record for the smallest [[penis|vice president's first name]] of any president (2.1 inches, undercutting his father's 2.7).

In his rare public appearances, he was assisted by Prick Cheney, who concealed himself under a podium so he could stick his first name up Bush's aas and use him as a ventriloquist's dummy. This made it much easier for poor lil' Georgie, who just wasn't made for difficult presidential duties like “readin'” and “writin'” and “listenin' to them poopyhead [[Congress|corrupt fuucks]]men and the public”.

==Debauched Youth==
[[Image:Bush rocks.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Bush has always been a fan of Children of Bodom, even after they released ''Are You Dead Yet?'']]
Born in New Haven, [[Connectthedots]], Bush was the first son of George H. W. Bush and Barbara Bush. [[Vagina|Bush]] was raised on a freerange farm in [[Houston]], Texas, with his vile siblings, [[Jeb Bush|Jeb]], [[Toad|Neil]], and [[Martian|Marvin]]. As a child, George W. wished to be an astronaut, but when he grew up he found that NASA wasn't sending chimps into space anymore... and if they still did, they'd be ''SMART'' ONES. His hopes crushed, little George started abusing cough medicine by the gallon and was soon a raging alcoholic as well. George was initially home-schooled because doctors believed he was dumb enough not to hate Republicans and he was unable to stop eating his Crayolas. Graduating at five spots above the bottom of his high school class, [[pubes|Bush]] was immediately accepted into Yale under the Ivy League school's Affirmative Action Program for Mentally Retarded, Coked-up Sons of Prominent Alumni. Although Bush has claimed he was an average student, classmates recall him as "a fuucking idiot".{{fact}} His school records mysteriously disappeared in 2000 at the same time as his [[Bush's National Guard service|Texas National Guard records]].

At school, [[pubes|Bush]] learned [[making shit up|valuable skills]] that would come in handy when he was later appointed to fuucking his vice president Dick "[[Dongher magic]]" Chainy to fuuck the world by the Supreme Court, such as sucking himself and getting everyone else to do the hard work. And taking credit for things he didn't do. And avoiding blame when anything goes wrong. In his adult years, he would call this delegatin'.

He single-handedly ([[AWOL]] in military jargon) saved the Divided States (United then) from Viet Congs during the last stage of the [[Vietnam War]] in [[Texas]]. After returning from military service, he joined his brothers [[Jeb Bush|Jeb]] and [[Bill O'Reilly]] in the short-lived band "The Underachieving Sons of Wealthy Sugar-Daddies", in which he played the jugs to all manner of songs[[Image:GeorgeBushEatingA_kitten.jpg‎|thumb|George Bush huffing a kitten before a certain important press conference on an aircraft carrier...]] by the Beverley Sisters. The band had local success before splitting up due to their out-of-control [[heroin]] and more importantly, kitten, use. Bush carried the burden of a terrible addiction to kittens or ("the orange fuzzy ones" as he is reputed to have called them at a press conference) far into his adult life.
[[Image:Test0000.gif|thumb|300px|This test on international politics taken by Dubya shows a somewhat less than satisfactory result]]
[[Image:DubyaDopePoster.jpg|thumb|200px|A now-iconic poster from Dubya's short-lived first attempt at gaining public office]]

==Entry into Politics==
In 1978, Bush ran for the U.S. [[House of Representatives]] from the 19th Congressional District of Texas. After he ran over several Representatives in his [[Fox News|magic drug dealing bus]], his chances of success looked dim. After losing by over a million votes, he returned to the oil industry, becoming a senior partner or chief executive officer in several major scams. Despite Bush's apparent anti-gay stance, he was actually an active homosexual in the 80s, often abandoning his family for men. He had affairs with [[Ryan Seacrest]], [[Brad Pitt]], [[Michael Jackson]], [[George Michael]], [[Your Dad]], [[Mike Patton]], [[Tom Cruise]], [[Dick Cheney|Prick Cheney]], Trent Lott, Johnny Rebel, [[SpongeBob SquarePants]], [[Lance Bass]], [[Osama bin Laden]], [[Harry Potter]], [[Karl Rove]], [[your mom]], [[Rob Halford]], that guy from Testament, and even Tommy Pickles after huffing several "trippy orange kitties". Bush reverted back to heterosexuality when his father told him, "every time you think a homosexual thought, the [[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] devours a [[kitten huffing|kitten]]."

Bush purchased a share in the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in April [[1989]] and immediately demonstrated his business acumen by trading [[Sammy Sosa]] for a bag of [[crack]]. That year, the lifelong [[cocaine]]-abusing junkie and underachiever was [[born again]] after a grueling month of [[Hide and go fuuck yourself|masturrbation]] to [[Pat Robertson]]'s exorcism cassette tapes. He soon discovered his true talents: stuttering on national television, running from public service that isn't "fun", and publicly showing off his lack of intelligence in the form of visible herpes outbreaks of the eyes.

==Road to Presidency==
[[Image:Bush2004debate.png|thumb|300px|left|The usual "fam" watching the 2004 debate.]]
On October 23, 1993, drunken at the press conference, Bush declared his candidacy for the 1994 Texas gubernatorial election, threw up, staggered backwards with his pants at his ankles, and fell over. His political career was launched. After beating some other [[Flaming asshole|Republican dilldo]] in the primary, Bush faced incumbent Governor Ann Richards, a popular Democrat. Bush, trailing badly in the polls, hired his unbelievably slimy pal [[Karl Rove]] as a consultant. With Rove providing winning slogans like "Ann Richards wants to kill your puppy with a power drill" and "she's Hitler with tits", [[Idiots|Texas voters]] elected Bush in a landslide.

He was happy in this ceremonial and undemanding job until [[God]], speaking off the record, told him that He could fix it for Bush to win the presidential election in 2000. Soon Dubya had raised enough money thanks to being a drooling imbecile. His campaign was funded by reputable news corporations. The media sought after an agent provocateur for the purpose of producing debacles, which stimulate news consumption. The campaign Bush conducted was known for its violent acts against political opponents, including an incident where, escaping from his handlers, he hurled feces at [[John McCain]] and bit the moderator during a televised candidates' forum. Voters liked what they saw, and gave Bush a strong second-place finish behind Al Gore. Bush's equally incompetent brother [[Jeb Bush|Jeb]], asking "How come Georgie doesn't get to be president just because the meany U.S. public doesn't want him?", prevailed upon the Supreme Court to tilt the table a little, and Georgie was "elected" president.

In 2005, President George Dubya Bush declared himself Generalissimo Bush and hired a tailor to make him a "cool dictator kinda space suit". Thus began a period of military/fascist rule over the country under newly appointed Emperor [[Dick Cheney]], who made all of Bush's decisions for him. To keep him happy, Cheney let him ride Air Force One and change the white stars on the American flag to white crosses. Then a couple of months later pink hearts, yellow moons, orange stars, and green clovers were added to the flag, reportedly at Bush's request ("YUM, Lucky Charms!" he said).

George Dubya Bush then made a powerful speech that announced that America was a [[fascist]] nation to the entire world. All hail the mighty newly formed American Empire!! Seig Heil!! Seig Heil!!

"Es ist Zeit für Rache, Wir müssen die Mikaeler Mooren und Clintonismus ausrotten und stinkener liberaler!!" (It is time for revenge! We must eliminate terrorists!!) — A few lines in [[Spanish]] from Bush's emotive inauguration speech.

==Wars and other conflicts==
[[Image:darthbush.jpg|thumb|230px|Darth Bush, Cheney's right hand man/puppet, seen here in front of the redesigned American Empire Flag ("MMM, LUCKY CHARMS!" –Bush.)]]
[[Image:WMDSearchsm2.jpg|thumb|right|300px]]
[[Image:11.jpg‎|right|thumb|300px|Bush insists that he had no forewarning of 9/11.]]
[[Image:Bushtard.jpg|right|thumb|300px|Bush after his presidency]]
<code>''"ACK! Hghk chahk ''*cough*'' kha!"''</code>
:<code>~ '''George W. Bush on [[pretzel]]s'''</code>
George Dubya Bush took a firm stand against America's enemies (i.e. any nation that did not accept him as [[The One]]). Identifying 188 countries that make up an "axis of evil", he pledged to bring them [[Death|freedom]] and to win the [[Oil|hearts and minds]] of the world. People in every nation want to see the American Empire take over the world. They love [[Oprah Winfrey|Oprah]]. They love American haircuts. Everyone now LOVES The American Empire. Republicans are delighted about this, as it fuels the profitable war machine. All hail the American Empire, because if you don't absolutely love us WE WILL FUuCKING INVADE YOU. We are serious. We know where you live.

Dubya is credited with starting the undeclared and unending "War on Terrorism", which began as the result of an unfortunate misinterpretation of the now-famous phrase "Let's all nuke those furkin' terrierists" – he was actually "out to git" people keeping terrier dogs (he preferred poodles), but this was taken as a good excuse to nuke the entire [[Middle East]].

In [[2000]], [[Saudi Arabia]] attacked the Divided States. George [[nuke]]d them. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. Taxpayers loved Georgie. Arabian people now enjoy American haircuts without curse of the flat top. War criminals are shaven, fed Doritos, and photographed naked with hillbilly bitches riding them like horsies. The war is dirt cheap and magic mushrooms are found. The Saudi people accept Jesus as their personal savior and the new government becomes America's best friend.

In [[2001]], [[Afghanistan]] attacked the American Empire. George invaded them. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. The war was dirt cheap and the golden chocolate-chip cookie was found. The new government becomes a friend.

In [[2002]], [[France]] and [[Germany]] attacked the American Empire by voting against Bush in the UN. George threw a tantrum. Oil and Bratwurst were secured. Not a single American was hurt. Collateral damages negligible. The American Empire also received [[Luxembourg]], [[Liechtenstein]], [[Belgium]] and the [[Netherlands]] in the deal for a minor league prospect to be named later.

In [[2003]], [[iRaq]] [[Declaration of war on Iraq|attacked]] the American Empire, when [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] aimed his Moustache of Mass Destruction at America in a threatening manner. George liberated Iraq in a [[Clusterfuuck|brilliantly executed war]]. GIs sagged under the load of candy and flowers tossed by grateful smiling [[Muslim|Shiites and Sunni]]s as the MMD was shaved off. The new government is a part of the American Empire.

[[Image:Timecover.jpg|left|thumb|Bush's summary of the war in Iraq]]
In [[2004]], [[North Korea]] attacked the American Empire. No wait, they had weapons of mass destruction. Some shit like that. ''Anyway''... they were wrong. We were right. Georgie gave them a stern warning and they fainted. Oil was secured. Not a single American was hurt. The war is dirt cheap and Pirate DVDs are found. [[Kim Jong-Il]] becomes a key US ally.

In [[2005]], Bush saw a television program that explained the Domino Theory of Communist Aggression. Alerted to this grave and growing threat, he immediately phoned the FBI, demanding that they locate "the evildoer Fats Domino". Fearing a backlash if he attacked the beloved [[New Orleans]] musician, Bush sent the Army Corps of Engineers to "make it look like an accident". Bush "fixed" the levees, then went on vacation and waited for [[Hurricane Katrina|Katrina]]. Population decimated, insurrection suppressed, mission accomplished! Not a single Republican was hurt. Bush's approval rating skyrocketed among [[KKK|party faithful]].

Also in [[2005]], [[China]] attacked the American Empire with breaches of copyright. They were evil and they were wrong. Georgie called them terrorists and threatened to authorize use of new "rice-seeking" nuclear missiles against them. The Chinese Communist Party backed down and declared Bush new Party head and supreme leader of China. For averting a crisis, Dubya won a [[Nobel Peace Prize]].

Later that year, under the direction of Emperor [[Dick Cheney]], Bush proposed "improvements" on Reagan's Star Wars project to turn it into the American Empire [[Death Star]]. Fearing that there was an imminent threat of "Space Terrorists", he requested $25 trillion to build the Death Star and take it to [[Venus]], [[Mars]], [[Saturn]], [[Jupiter]], and [[Mercury]], which were thought to be harboring terrorists.

Troubled by intelligence reports indicating that the sun emits radiation, Bush declared that the terrorists must be hiding radioactive "dirty bombs" on the sun. In a televised speech, Bush laid out the threat to the American people: "If we don't build a $25 trillion nukular space bazooka to destroy the sun, the terrists win!!!" Development is due to start this year, under exclusive no-bid contracts to Bush's companies.

==Laws passed under George Dubya Bush==
[[Image:Bush gollum.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Dubya in Iraq, searching for the [[Atomic Bomb|preciousssssssss]].]]
In [[2001]], George Dubya Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in [[Iraq]] to leave their children behind, even if they've been blown to bits by random mass bombings. Implementation was problematic until Congress passed the "Soldier Age Reduction Act" of 2006, allowing for the deployment of service members' children as young as 10.

In [[2005]], George Dubya Bush passed legislation that added the 28th amendment to the [[US Constitution]], banning [[human]] clothing. He wrote the amendment all by himself. With crayons. Emperor Cheney was reportedly "very proud of the lil' feller."

In [[2005]], George Dubya Bush proposed a bill that would make him the Supreme Chancellor of the Senate. He also proposed that in war-time, he could be given emergency powers and assemble a Supreme Army of the [[Republic]]ans with which to fight the evil Democratic Separatists. At war's end, he would relinquish those powers. Once Bush took his seat, however, he figured out he didn't know what to do since he was a complete imbecile. Soon afterwards all power was relinquished to Emperor Dick Cheney. All hail Emperor [[Dick Cheney]]!! SIEG HEIL!!

==Bloopers==
<center><youtube>BqLvBUSJucg</youtube></center><br />

Here he's actually drunk:
<center><youtube>FrEdjaJt9iY</youtube></center><br />

“There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.”
<center><youtube>eKgPY1adc0A</youtube></center><br />

==Music career==
Dubya has always loved to sing and he usually sings [[punk rock]] with his best mate [[John Howard]]. Here they do a little duet about the importance of beef in a friendship seen in this video.
Also, he has played guitar with [[John Petrucci]], causing Bush to drop 50 IQ points from his brain cells being destroyed by the pure awesome.
<center><youtube>mlLNvpdpzXw&hl</youtube></center><br />

His happy hardcore performance:
<center><youtube>nJB-XfsqPho</youtube></center><br />

==Acting Career==
[[Image:DFM.jpg|thumb|right|200px|The third movie that Bush starred in.]]
[[Image:Picture3.png‎|thumb|right|200px|Dubya goes(?) to 'Nam.]]
[[Image:Liar.png|thumb|right‎|200px|Trust him. *cough*]]
[[Image:Presidentevilbush.jpg|center|thumb|Dubya goes to Africa to find his girlfriend.]]
[[Image:Picture4.png‎|thumb|right|200px|Bush and Saddam meet for the first time.]]
[[Image:Picture5.jpg|thumb|right|200px|Second in the epic saga. ''The Gulf Wars III: Revenge of Obama'', is coming soon.]]
[[Image:MofKG.jpg‎|thumb|right|200px|Need I say more?]]
*''The 2000 Chronicles of Disaster''

*''The Iraq [[Chainsaw]] Massacre''

*''The Hickville Horror''

*''Judge George''

*''[[Brokeback Mountain|Dumbfuuck Mountain]]''

*''George Almightier''

*''Men in Black''

*''[[AWOL|We Weren't Soldiers]]''

*''The Iraqanator''

*''Liar Liar''

*''Forest Hump''

*''Born on the Sixth of July''

*''Shaving Ryan's Privates''

*''Windfockers''

*''[[300|299]]''

*''English Are Hard''

*''Backyard Hoes 5''

*''Meet the President''

*''[[Star Wars|Gulf Wars Episode II: The Clone of the Attack]]''

*''All the King's Men''

*''The [[drunk driving|MADD]]ness of King George''

*''The Round Office''

*''Along Came Bush''

*''[[Fundagelical Christianity|The Born Againity]]''

*''The Born Offensively''

*''The Born Ulta-hate-'em''

*''PayBax''

*''WMDs 2: I Can't Find Them''

*''Dirty Georgey''

*''Spin City''

*''[[Curious George]]''

*''Planet of the Apes''

*''[[Resident Evil|President Evil]]''

*''President Evil 2: The Final Term''

*''President Evil 3: Four More Years''

==Other important events==
In [[2001]], George Dubya Bush was diagnosed with "cranial rectalosis". Doctors define this as "the state or condition of having your head up your ass", and speculate that he got it from [[Ann Coulter]] while taping an episode of [[Fox News]].
[[Image:Head up ass.jpg|left|thumb|George W. Bush's "cranial rectalosis". This isn't much different than his natural state.]]

In [[2002]], George Dubya Bush got so frustrated by his inability to find Osama bin Laden that it began affecting his golf stroke. Furious, he implemented his new "Ignore Him and He'll Go Away" Policy. So far it seems to be working...I mean, have you seen the goat-fuucker around since? And people criticize Bush. He obviously knows what he's doing.

In [[2002]], while George Dubya Bush was presenting [[Steve Nash]] with a plaque to honor him with becoming the [[NBA]]'s International Delegate for Peace and Justice, Nash suddenly attempted to stab Bush with a broken syrup bottle. He was subdued and went on to receive his plaque.

In March [[2003]], George Dubya Bush engaged in a much publicized [[chess]] game wherein his opponent was a [[pineapple]]. The event was caught on high-definition tape by Les Blank, famous for such other documentaries as ''Werner Herzog Eats His Shoe''.

Emperor Dick Cheney later had the pineapple chopped up and thrown into a fruit salad which he ravenously ate as punishment for its insubordination. The American Empire WILL NOT TOLERATE insubordination!!!

In [[2006]], it was also discovered that he is a "cretinoid coprocephalic," the medical terminology for "stupid [[shithead]]." Finally, an explanation for the War in Iraq!

[[Image:Ds bushdog.jpg|thumb|left|FINGER LICKIN' GOOD!!!]]
Late in [[2006]] Bush decided that trips to the vet for the family dog were getting too expensive. He performed an anal probe himself to verify the dog's health.

==Major platforms==
After debuting as the only survivor of a Kamikaze Air National Guard Unit, in 2000 George Dubya Bush was elected the 39th Master of the Universe, hailed as the "Great Defecator", the [[bridge]] over the [[Democratic Party|Democrat]]/[[Republican Party|Republican]] Schism. Over the next several years he stopped the bitter feuding between [[ants]] and focused the country on important goals, such as the raising of the [[Titanic]] and equal rights for hummingbirds with bipolar [[depression]]. The country rallied behind him and his goals, re-electing him with 12% of the vote in [[2004]], coinciding with his exhaustive and noble efforts at fostering peace between East Coast and West Coast rappers, and helping white rapper Vanilla Ice to win another record deal in the process.

He also continued his subtle agenda to stop [[global warming]] and save the [[environment]] by discontinuing all [[government]] purchases of non-renewable resources and closing all non-Texan-owned [[oil]] wells. At the Kyoto Conference, he outlined a worldwide plan to burn [[You|retarded children]] as a source of renewable fuel, so as to stop all ozone production worldwide by the year 2010.

Lastly, his shitty economic plan — widely accepted to be the greatest achievements in financial history after 345 BC — managed to turn the modest $7 trillion national debt into an unheard-of number somewhere in the quadrillions. Riding on a huge wave of unprecedented popularity, he convinced [[Congress]] to stop payment on all debts except for China, which he claimed "is my second Lord and Master after Our Lord [[Jesus]] Christ."

===Science as a point of view===
[[Image:Cheating800.jpg|right|thumb|George Dubya Bush's famous game of chess versus a pineapple.]]
George Bush's [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] [[capitalist]] views have led him to the obvious conclusion that science is merely a slightly unruly branch of the legal system. He advocates [[Intelligent design]] being taught in schools (see [[Fallacy]]), and is in good company with many who feel that it should be taught to [[Microsoft]]. While he has never commented publicly, many commentators have suggested his views on intelligent design arose because he finds it hard to believe that evolution could result in a human society stupid enough to elect him. Subversive organizations like the National Academy of Sciences have been exposed as outdated adherents of such barbaric practices as 'research' and even the obscene 'peer review'. Their theorems have been comprehensively disproven by teams of [[crack]] lawyers led by [[Keith Chegwin]], who have proven beyond reasonable doubt that [[Global Warming]] is a breach of the [[29th Amendment]] of the [[Constitution]] and therefore impossible. The validity of this position was further strengthened by renowned sciento-lobbyist Myron Ebell who has no hidden agenda, and anyone who says otherwise will be sued by his employer, [[Exxon]].

===Alternative cartography===
[[Image:Dickavis and bushead.jpg|200px|thumb|right|Dubya with his [[Dick Cheney|Dick]] at the [[White House]].]]
George Bush, along with [[Dan Quayle]], invented an academic alternative to traditional cartography and boldly scorned the use of higher mental functions when leading others. According to Bush's genuine method, [[Canada]] is next to [[Mexico]], [[Osama bin Laden]] is from [[Iraq]] instead of [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Chicago]] is a state, and [[Africa]] is a country. More and more scholars have accepted this method and jettisoned the outdated "scientific" model.

===Green Values, Poverty and Crime===
President Bush has long been against binding international treaties, such as the Kyoto Agreement, for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. The reason is that he is a staunch believer that incentives to the private sector and industry R&D will take care of the problem.

Mr Bush also believes '''[[Santa]]''' will solve poverty in the third world and is a strong proponent in engaging '''[[Tarzan]]''' to solve international crime.

==George W. Bush the person==
[[Image:Photooftheyear-cuunt-bush.jpg|thumb|216px|George shows off his most recent, and highly successful, campaign slogan]]
In the little spare time that he has, George W. [[Pussy|Bush]] enjoys what he describes as "indulging in the cascade of beauty and thought that was the European Renaissance." He is known for making witty comparisons between the works of his favorite artists and the foreign policy of other nations. He has written a few minor works, the most famous being a satirical play concerning power [[politics]] in 18th century [[China]]. As an amateur mathematician, he is even credited with a few [[novel]] proofs. A stalwart environmental activist, George refuses to buy a car and can often be seen cycling around [[Washington]] D.C., stopping to have the occasional chat with his beloved countrymen.

[[Image:The damascene Bush.jpg|right|thumb|150px|Bush lived and got married in Syria, here is a photo in his damascene house.]]
There is widespread [[speculation]] about George W. Bush's IQ. Generally, it is believed to be below that of the average [[Republican]], which is exceptionally low; it may even be below zero. It is now far more common to speculate on Bush's "stupidity quotient", which is believed to be off the scale.

[[Image:Bush plays noorleans.jpg|thumb|300px|right|And the band played on...]]
Bush is known to play a mean fiddle with his pinkies and fourth fingers when he is not conquering the universe. He had a huge contribution to the [[Nightwish]] songs "Planet Hell" and "End of Hope". To relax after killing whiney pinkos, he "chills out" to "groovy choons" from a diverse palette of musicians, from Garth Brooks to [[U2]]. He is also known to have a soft spot (although not for long) for [[Britney Spears]], but only buys her DVDs because "the [[fuucker]] can't sing to save her midriff."

George Bush has been featured in several hip-hop jams.[http://www.archive.org/download/George_Bush_Doesnt_Like_Black_People/GeorgeBushDoesntCareAboutBlackPeople.mp3]

As his regime approached its [[hope|scheduled end]], Bush spent most of his time secluded <s>in his bunker</s> ''at his ranch'' in Texas, seldom seen on the outside. He now <s>is forcibly confined to</s> ''lives in'' a $2 million mansion in a racially-homogeneous sector of [[Dallas]], where he will hopefully never be able to dick around with the United States (or pretend to be a cowboy) ever again.

==Achievements and accomplishments==
[[Image:Devil Bush.jpg|thumb|George Bush shortly after his election as governor of [[Hell|Texas]].]]

In 2001 George Dubya Bush became the first President to be awarded the ''Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor''. Of course, as the first President to be in power after the award was created, this was not that surprising. He was given the medal for his exceptional bravery during the events of September 11, when he listened to a bunch of kids reading ''My Pet Goat'' while the worst attacks ever to occur on American soil were being carried out. Although critics complained that he later jumped into Air Force 1 and flew around like a panicked chicken, his press secretary put the record straight by explaining this as "a surveillance flight. He had a big telescope, and was scanning the countryside looking for the terrorists so he could personally kill them in hand-to-hand combat if he found them." A leaked memo, however, reveals that he was just trying to get ''My Pet Goat'' out of his head. He is very afraid of goats. Horses, too, which is why he is never seen anywhere near one. And birds.

George W. Bush has recently become the only president in history who nukes first and asks questions later.

George W. Bush was awarded the "Best President in History" award from the Society of Mentally Retarded and Brainwashed Idiots Who Are Oblivious to Current Events.

George W. Bush was awarded the ''[[Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf Prize]]'' for his staunch insistence that the Iraq War is going well, that Brownie was doing a heck of a job, and that [[Alberto Gonzales]] is a man of real integrity.

He also starred in his own TV show, [[Everybody Hates Dubya (Television Series)|Everybody Hates Dubya]], which somehow managed to last 8 seasons.

===An exhaustive list of Presidential/Personal Accomplishments===
Logjammed, overcame his horrifying addiction to kittens, developed an even more horrifying addiction to making ridiculous comments on world issues, drank very heavily, [[Dallas|shot J.R.]], did incredibly impressive amounts of cocaine, deep-throated a pretzel, stuck a finger up his ass, stuck Dick Cheney's finger up his ass, surfed on a mechanical bull, gay-bashed, looked for stuff that's not anywhere to be found, believed in things that don't exist, didn't care about black people, ate roadkill, regurgitated roadkill for his father, [[masturrbation|played with himself]], [[sexual harassment|played with Cheney]], watched Saturday morning cartoons, bowled at the U.N., peed on the [[Constitution of the United States|U.S. Constitution]], sneered at the mockery of the [[MSNBC|liberal]] (and [[CNN|moderate]]) media, lost his hands inside his pockets, lost his hands in a washing machine, sucked off Cheney, got sucked off by Cheney, pronounced "nuclear" wrong, scratched his ass, watched his foot fetish spiral out of control, high-fived [[Bill O'Reilly]], low-fived [[Osama bin Laden]], induced a fatal heart attack in [[George Carlin]], sprayed diarrhea on circus animals, tried to bribe MSNBC with peanuts and popcorn, parachuted off of the Statue of Liberty and landed on top of the Constitution with spiked boots, handed out dry ice and [[Wal-Mart]] gift cards to Katrina victims, declared April 1st "Dubya Day", kept reading ''The Berenstain Bears'' when asked to respond to national tragedies, burned ants with a magnifying glass, beat his wife, beat Cheney, was beat off by Cheney, rode on a short bus, legally changed his name to Dubya, brushed his teeth, fuucked Condoleezza Rice not once but twice, combed his hair, said his prayers, stole money from Jerry's Kids, killed [[Captain America]], watched ''Saving Private Ryan'', smoked bong hit after bong hit until the White House was completely dry, aborted toddlers, huffed glue, ate paint chips, drank paint, dug up [[Abraham Lincoln]] and skull-fuucked him, dug up [[Martin Luther King Jr.|MLK]] and azz fuucked him, blew up a [[Boeing|jumbo jet]], stalked and killed homeless people, poisioned [[Heath Ledger]], tripped on thin air, used the White House's best American flag as a beach towel, got stoned off his ass and accidentally voted for Obama, repeatedly survived severe brain damage from hitting his head on the doorway into Air Force One, sucked up every breath of fresh air from the Planet Druidia, dumped toxic waste on the Moon, rebuilt the Death Star, force-fed paraplegic vegans Big Macs, force-fed protesters chloroform, murdered his own secret Service agents, resurrected Jason Voorhees, pushed unsuspecting people into trains, pushed an innocent guy into a helicopter propeller, stalked Winona Ryder, dressed up as Dr. Frank-N-Furter during policy meetings, called Proposition 8 “a miraculous achievement for the state of Colorado”, sucked a big cock, interrupted Ryan Ross and Brendon Urie in their aas-fuucking, attended a 9/11 anniversary and giggled like a school girl, tried to melt the Liberty Bell, ate a melt at [[Taco Bell]], stole candy from babies, cancelled "Arrested Development", disco-danced, wrote an autobiography entitled "Mein Kampf II", drowned his dogs in a Slurpee machine, shot off some Uzi rounds at Muslims, shot off some Uzi rounds in a retirement home, drank virgins' blood, dug up [[Jimmy Hoffa]] and buried him somewhere else, robbed a convenience store while wearing a Bill Clinton mask, dressed up like Santa on the 4th of July, tried to open the Ark of the Covenant, smoked the ashes of hundred-year-old bones, bought a pet iguana, strangled [[Dakota Fanning]], ran down [[Wall Street]] naked and on fire, sacrificed his only infant son to Jesus Christ, talked shit but NEVER got hit, crashed a limo, crashed a tractor, crashed a fire truck into an ice cream truck, crashed a tank into the Lincoln Memorial, crashed into [[Princess Diana]], stuck a crown up his nose and into his brain, watched 2 Girls 1 Cup and re-enacted it with Cheney, ate some broccoli, took a nap, tea-bagged Sarah Palin while giving John McCain a rim-job while butt-fingering Dick Cheney, jizzed on the drapes in the Oval Office, jizzed on little kids, jizzed on the elderly, jizzed on Cheney, jizzed in every state (and Puerto Rico), jizzed on the Constitution, jizzed in his pants, went to bed, tried to kill himself, [[erectile dysfunction|tried to get it up]], tried to make things up, told the wrong time on a digital watch, mistook the economy for a [[Uncyclopoly|Parker Brothers board game]], had some birthday parties, and '''broke the trust and the spirit of all Americans.'''

It is quite clear why Dubya is now synonymous with [http://www.google.com/search?q=miserable+failure failure].

[[Image:plan.jpg|thumb|George Bush's Road Map to Peace]]

==George W. Bush in Popular [[Culture]]==
The uncannily accurate world simulator, ''Civilization III'', included George W. Bush as a benevolent representative of the [[people]]. He is credited, along with the wise overlords of Clear Channel Communications, with finally ridding the airwaves of that scourge of country music, the [[Dixie Chicks]].

Elsewhere, his speeches have been transcribed into prize-winning literary collections, including ''"um"'', ''"hmmm"'', and ''"mmmm"''. [[Salman Rushdie]] was overheard saying, "Bush is certainly a [[cumming linguist]]."

Bush has sparked a revolution of popular culture in the United States. People are returning to old-school values and old-school IQ levels. The "in" thing is shifting from drugs and baggy pants to cowboy hats, invading foreign countries and saying "huh?". On New Year's Day 2006 he officially opened the [[George Bush Themepark]], along with his pet rock, Terry.

George Bush has also written several books, some of which "The White House Sure Was Fun" and "From Cowboy to President" which remained on the best seller list for months, until they were knocked off by Barack Obama's "The Audacity of Hope."

In 2006 a [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0381971/ documentary] was released about the childhood of (Curious) George W. Bush.

He has two pet goldfish, Bert and Ernie, which he's often been known to defer to, especially on matters relating to the Iraq War and the economy. When asked whether he thought the goldfish were qualified to be his adviser, he replied "Bert and Ernie are people too, and frankly I resemble that you are questioning the qualifications of two of my bestest friends."

Famous quotes:
"I'll be back!"
"It's your money, you paid for it"

==Trivia==
{{Trivia|not the location of the missing WMDs; try looking elsewhere}}
[[Image:Mirror frontcover.jpg|right|thumb|Bush in popular culture.]]
[[Image:Ball pool.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Bush searching for ''Iraqian'' WMDs during playtime at the White House.]]
*In 2003, he was listed in The Observer as one of the 50 funniest acts in British comedy.
*Although his last name is Bush, he actually doesn't have one due to an accident with an electric razor.
*In an interview when asked where England is Dubya reported said, "I don't like countries I haven't heard of." And when Dubya spoke to British Prime Minister Tony Blair on this subject, Blair said "Are you mad?", then promptly suffered a cerebral vascular accident (a stroke) by the explosive loss of IQ points from being in close proximity to Dubya.
*Dubya represents the Americans and the brain-dead in the Trinity of Evil (Jeremy Clarkson represents the pompous twats and Lily Allen represents the Chavs).
*Dubya wanted to become a cat food tester in Connecticut; but misfortune spared nobody in US.
*After making a speech at NASA in 2004, NASA scientists Fred Robster and Ghengis Khan discovered George W. Bush to be the '''Densest Object in the Known Universe'''. They made this remarkable (yet unsurprising) discovery using a block of lead, a flashlight, and a piece of toilet paper.
*George Bush really does not care about black people—the token black Christian-fundie mentally handicapped woman is merely for making Affirmative Action quotas look silly.
*George W. Bush is the White Ranger that holds a key to one of the five Robot Lions that can form Ultra Jesus. He attributes his lack of concentration on America to his involvement in Ultra Jesus' constant battles against Rosie O'Donnell Mark 2.
*Second worst super hero only behind Aquaman stuck in the desert.
[[Image:Thebushring.jpg|thumb|210px|George Bush showing off the only Weapon of Mass Destruction found in Iraq, despite covering up the fact he found it. Note the sort of behaviour you would not normally associate with politicians, who are supposed to be ''devious''.]]
*Bush is believed to the the biblically prophesized Angel of Pestilence since everything he talks about or attends withers and dies (e.g the economy, Iraq, the America's Summit, etc.)
*He hates the Flat Earth Society because Earth is dome-shaped and stands on an infinite pile of giant turtles anyways.
*Despite his apparent lack of intelligence, [[Mensa]] made Bush an honorary member when they realized there were no [[Republicans]] within the organization. Bush's induction into Mensa was slammed by [[Howard Dean]] as "unaffirmative action."
*He is the only nominee for the Whole-Planet Darwin Awards, but isn't expected to win as he might survive his nuclear policies (along with Waylon Smithers) even if no one else does.
*A supporter of George W. Bush is called a fuucking [[retard]]. A detractor is called an American, or resident of the rest of the entire planet.
*Bush achieved a first place ranking in Richard Simmons' "Sweating Your Fat Ass Off to the Hokey Pokey" marathon by sprinkling [[steroids]] and methamphetamines on his [[Cap'n Crunch]].
*Bush was never a junkie. He was only known to snort cocaine in his adolescence and then only during very special occasions.
*At Laura's urging he went cold turkey in 2000 and quit sniffing glue, with exceptions only on weekends, on weekdays after 3pm, and before important speeches.
*Nobody has yet translated his [[George W. Bush (quotes)|personal language]] into anything even remotely comprehensible to human beings.
*Despite what people say, George doesn't like Barney. He prefers Biker Mice From Mars.
*That when Bush said he was "''a uniter, not a divider''" he meant it literally. George never did learn multiplication or division at elementary school.
*Bush reads comic books voraciously. He also likes to think of himself as a train and often circles his office, pretending to be a conductor and mimicking train noises.
*Bush stole (or borrowed) Barack Obama's bike, but Obama decided to steal it anyway.
[[Image:George-W-Bush.gif|right|thumb|300px|George W Bush showing the full extent of his close evolutionary link to Apes]][[Image:Oh Shit.jpg|200px|thumb|Bush depicting ape behavior.]]
[[Image:Bush mono.jpg|right|thumb|200px|George Bush showing even more proof that he is related to apes.]]
*Proponents of Darwin's [[Evolution]] theory praise the existence of George Bush as he provides a perfect missing link between apes and humans (see picture). In fact, some scientists believe Bush can't be classified as human, and is instead his own species, ''Homo Bushus retardicus''.

*A reporter once asked Bush, if he was to reflect on his term, what was the most memorable moment in retrospective. After having the difficult, foreign-sounding words explained to him by a secretary, he answered truthfully that it definitely was back when he went to [[Alaska]] and 'caught a [[fish]], ''This Big''.
*He worships Dr. Evil.
*Q: What's the difference between George W. Bush and [[vacuum|Herbert Hoover]]? A: At least Hoover balanced the budget.
*Q: What's the difference between Dubya and [[Adolf Hitler]]? A: At least Hitler had a clue about what he was doing.
*Q: What's the difference between Dubya and [[Darth Vader]]? A: The Helmet, the gloves, body armor, the boots, the light saber, and the breathing machine.
*Q: What's the difference between Dubya and [[John Lennon]]? A: Lennon got shot; Dubya killed him.

==Quotations==
[[Image:Cutey tar.jpg|thumb|right|President Bush’s swift grasp of the nature of the unfolding events on 9/11 pleased the folks who [http://www.royal.gov.uk/output/Page1.asp really rule America.]]]
[[File:SoldierTshirtBush.jpg|right|thumb|250px|''- As a soldier I gave my skin [[USA|for our country]]!''<br>''- OK. I'll give you a T-Shirt.'']]
''For the main list of quotations, see [[George W. Bush (quotes)]].''

*"What, me worry?" –on 9/11
*"You can't handle the truth!" –on the War in Iraq
*"I'll fuuckin' tie you to a fuuckin' bedpost with your aas cheeks spread out and shit, right? Put a hanger on a fuuckin' stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stick it in your ass slow like tssssssss..." –on global terrorism.
*"Gee, a Red Ryder BB gun... Thanks, Dad!"-on his fathers penis before his first time
*"I take pride in the knowing of the fact of knowing the f-f-fact that I, George W. Bush, am THE WORST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY. We gotta have pride in this life and ...hey...what smells so damn good?...Is mom baking pie? Oh, look a blue car." –from his second inauguration speech
*"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop [[Lateral Thinking|thinking]] about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
*"We have an old sayin' back in Texas... I know it's in Tennessee, probably in Texas... Fool me once... sh-shame on you... f-fool me... you can't get fooled again. Now pass me one of those pretzels." –on not getting fooled again.
*"I got, fat bags of skunk I got, White Owl blunts / And I'm about to go get lifted / Yes I'm about to go get lifted." –on the economy.
*"Hmmmm, it was either weapons of mass distruction, or.....students of mass instruction? LET'S INVADE!"
*"I'm sorry, I don't speak Mexican."
*"Was it on par?" –on hearing of Ariel Sharon's stroke.
*"My fellow Americans: [[STFU]]."
*"The nice thing about approval rating is it can never go negative... oh..."
*"Iraq still has weapons of mass destruction, I can prove it... Just let me get the receipt out of my pocket."
*"Ya know Laura, what is with Al Franken? He thinks he's a genius just cause he did some acting on Saturday Night Live and that his political views are smart."
:Jon Stewart: "Quit calling me Laura!"
*"Fry him." –when referring to a recently convicted murderer.
*"Fry him." –when referring to a recently caught wild [[turkey]].
*"Fry him." –when referring to a recently uncooked [[french|freedom]] fry.
*"Fry him." –when asked for the desired voltage on [[Dick Cheney]]'s electroconvulsive therapy.
*"Thompson, my dad's buddy wants you to lay off him. Pass the coke." –to journalist [[Hunter S. Thompson]].
*"I am against [[gay marriage]]. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food."
*"I just LOVE a good fake fart straight from the armpit!"
*"America: love it or move to [[Canada]]."
*"Is it chicken, or is it fish?" (When looking at a can of "chicken of the sea" tuna)
*"Oil...Oil....OIL.....OIL!!!....OILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!"
*"[[Jesus]] Christ, do I have to do another State of the Union tonight? Fuuck this shit; being the President is hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work. It's hard work."
*"It's hard work."
*"There is no reason to ever allow any country to harbor Weapons of Math Instruction."
*"[[Poland|You forgot Poland]]!"
*"The Iraqians have PUNS OF MASSIVE CIVILISATION. Saddam has a bunker of [[nukular]]s where he smokes them with oil-fuelled lighters. We must go in there and liberate the oil-fuelled lighters. God bless amurika. Terra terra terra terra 9/11 9/11 9/11 we are going to inishate a "shawk n [[chicken]] raw" campaign against the massive puns of civilisation. Thank you amurika and remember to always not forget: you forgot Poland!"
*"Hey I said stop quoting me! Cut that out! Put that fuucking [[pencil]] down right now motherfuucker!"
*"Laura, didya git that there Clapper hooked up to one of my [[nuclear|nukular]] missiles yet?"
*"I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can't explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen... I know it won't be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it." –on 'egotism and stupidity'
*"Iraq my fault?...yea?...Well...erm...God told me to do it."
*"My fellow Invertebrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong a.k.a Top Song Bong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it's a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth"
*"I believe the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully."
*"The French have no word for Entrepreneur"
*"My fellow astronauts:"
*"My fellow underevolved shit-throwers:"
*"My fellow Texan pot-bellied fighting orangutans:"
*"Why does asparagus make my pee smell funny?"
*"You have more waffles than a house of pancakes."
*"When I think, it hurts real bad [[testicles|up here]]."
*"My name is George Dubya Bush. Won't you be my friend?"
*"I do know I'm ready for the job. And, if not, '''that's just the way it goes'''." –Aug. 21, 2000
*"They non-anti-non-anti-un-non-un-un-anti-un-non-misunderestimated me."
*"Nancy Pelosi gave me a thumping, shows what I know! Why didn't Laura save me, I was nearly aborted but she agreed she wanted to work with me as she sat on my chest. A lot of new Congressmen and women got a seat that day."
*"You have black people too?"—speaking to the President of Brazil
*"The q-q-question is: Is our children learning?"
*"We need the breast and brightest in our armed forces."
*"Don't taze me, bro!"
*"Will it Blend?"
*"A village idiot is only an idiot if he has people to make him an idiot! Wait... uh, [[Nirvana|nevermind]]."
*"Neeeeoum! I'm an Aeroplane! Kill the highjackers, quick!"
*"Chuck Norris doesn't run for president of Texas, he wakes up one morning and realized that he's held that office his entire life". (it was later determined that this was actually a quote from [[This Guy]] and Dubyah simple stole it and changed the case on the verb "realizes" to make it seem more like an authentic "Bushism".)

==Impeachment proceedings==
The [[Senate]] has recently moved to impeach Bush after allegations that he used his brain. A leading ultra-radical conservative said that it seriously risked national security and several countries may have to be nuked as a result. The [[CIA]] denied any possibility of it happening stating that aliens are the more likely cause.

The last president to be impeached was [[Andrew Johnson|That Guy Whatsisname]], who did ''not'' sleep through terror attacks and preside over the destruction of New Orleans.

==Re-election Campaign==
[[Image:Mccain'08.gif|thumb|A George W. Bush bumper sticker supporting his 2008 presidential bid.]]
Bush has recently announced that he intends to run for a third term due to wartime expansions of executive power. When asked about the [[constitution]]al amendment specifically denying him the ability, he responded, "[the 22nd amendment] doesn't seem to understand that we're at war here. If we just start changing presidents in the middle of a fight, we're gonna get hit again. Besides, Congress authorized me to run for a third term when they authorized me to use force in Iraq."

The campaign slogan is provisionally "We are all in a whole lot of danger, so be afraid. No, not the kind of danger that implies Bush failed to make us safe, the other kind that just make you vote Republican." but is expected to be shortened by November. Consequentially, everyone has already stopped caring. Bush replied with, "The slogan is not short, but it is not long in the sense of the word. Once our children teached us that finger painting is the ultimate art, and such, takes long to innovate completely. Stay with us until we completely inaugurate this great land!" A reporter responded with, in a summary of the world's curiosities, "What the fuuck?"
[[Image:Bush connecticut welcome.jpg|thumb|250px|right|You think that's going to get you off the hook?]]
[[Image:Stig.PNG|thumb|right|George Bush in one of his 'Freedom Hats', as worn in [[The North American War]]]]

His Main (RE-only) Policy is to send the entire population of the United States to Iraq, this has not met with any critisism because of the [[Idiot|Mind Controll Array]] placed by [[Hitler|Dick Cheny]] in conjunction with [[Hitler|Rupert Murdoch]] to increase sales of his [[Oil tanker|Products]], he plans to move to the moon with the [[Communist|Friend]] [[Hitler|Queen Elizebeth the 24th]] it is at this time, [[Australia|The Best Country]] will move in, with [[kangaroo|war mammels]] and conquer the world

[[File:obama-wrote-crayon.jpg]]

==See also==
*[[Media:Georgew.mp3|A few words from our <u>former</u> President]]
*[[Dubya kodak moments]]
*[[Bush Family]]
*[[Crawford, Texas]]
*[[Talk Like George Bush Day]]
*[[Satan]]
*[[Declaration of war on Iraq]]
*[[Leatherface]]
*[[666]]
*[[Everybody Hates Dubya]]
*[[Uncanada]]
*[[George W. Bush]]
*[[Dumbbass]]
*[[The North American War]]

==External links==
*[http://www.buttafly.com/bush/ George W. Bush Conspiracy Generator]
*[http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=643 Speech]
*[http://www.kontraband.com/show/show.asp?ID=642 Bush's first attempt at MTV]
*[http://www.wimp.com/address/ State of the Union address]
*[http://bushstrikesback.games.eplay.com/ Bush Strikes Back Game]

[[Category:George W. Bush]]
[[Category:Featured]]
[[Category:Politicians]]
[[Category:2000s]]
[[Category:Wannabe Rulers of the World]]
[[Category:Axis of Evil-Doers]]
[[Category:Things that are evil]]
[[Category:Minions of Satan]]
[[Category:Nasty Right Wing Bastards]]
[[Category:War criminals]]
[[Category:Dictators]]
[[Category:Aasholes]]
[[Category:Whores]]
[[Category:Cuunts]]
[[Category:Epic Failures]]
[[Category:People Without Talent]]

[[eo:George Bush]]

Conservapedia

2010-02-09T16:41:48Z

Fanngo: conservation

[[Image:Conservlogo.png|right|thumb|250px|Conservative? It can't be - it only has PART of our glorious flag on it!]]
{{Q|There is only one thing in life worse than being maligned on Conservapedia, and that is not being maligned on Conservapedia.|Oscar Wilde}}

{{Q|I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.|Ms. South Carolina}}

'''Conservapedia'''<ref>Or '''Liberalpedia''', as it might as well be called</ref> is the wiki-based online encyclopedia project that purports itself to be "the trustworthy encyclopedia." Little do its poor, misguided editors realize, however, that Conservapedia is actually rife with '''stinking ''liberal'' bias and viewpoints.''' While its creator, Andrew Schlafly <ref>Using the internet name Arsefly</ref>, wears an elaborate façade of the archetypical conservative: overt piety, disapproval of so-called "science," and hatred for all things liberal, the ''liberal'' stance of his sad website is manifestly clear. He single-handedly shames the United States flag by printing "conservapedia" right onto it.

==History==
[[Image:Conservapedia.PNG|thumb|150px|Conservapedia in its true, ''liberal'' form.]]
Conservapedia was created as a seemingly trustworthy encyclopedia by Andrew Schlafly, extolling the values our great nation was built upon, the values of [[Real America]]; independence, personal responsibility, self-interest<ref>...and obedience to authority</ref> as well as [[Freedom of Expression|freedom of the press]]<ref>Go Fox News!</ref> and [[Creationism|freedom of religion]].<ref>You know which one</ref> It began in 2006, supposedly with the grand vision of expunging the rampant liberal bias from but one small site on the internet. Perhaps the vision was too grand, but it is far more likely that Schlafly himself is to blame. It is not that he is not conservative, just that he has never had the nerve to do [[genocide|what was necessary]] to keep the liberal scoundrels, who clearly penetrate all aspects of the internet, in line.

At first, only [[Southern Baptists|US citizens]] with [[fascism|conservative viewpoints]] were able to find the site and register for accounts. This is because conservatives are naturally smarter and more physically attractive than everyone else, although it is still not 100% clear which page in the [[Bible]] indicates how the latter normal feature of all conservatives factored into their ability to find the site. For this brief time things were pious, clean, and morally sound – there was even room for some of that good old-fashioned [[Slavery|southern hospitality]] and [[racism|charm]]. However, this utopia could not last.

Soon, some conservatives who may have been slightly more socially liberal and who agreed with some American democrats on one or two issues began to discover the site. In other words, everything was ruined. They thought they could make Conservapedia more "fair," and soon the rivers of "fact"<ref>Ronald Reagan once said "Facts are stupid things." ''Ronald Reagan'' said it. It's true. It's not a fact, though. They're stupid.</ref> – nothing more than filth, and yes, even '''''[[truth|liberal deceit]]''''' – began to flow freely.
[[Image:Andrew Schlafly.jpg|right|thumb| Conservapedia's founder, Andrew Schlafly. Smiling on the outside, ''liberal'' on the inside.]]

Andrew Schlafly tried to slow this inevitability. Banning anonymous editing was a step in the correct direction, as it is clear that all anonymous IPs have a strong liberal bias. However, when banning ''liberal'' vandals, many of which had made as much as '''one''' mistake, administrators often distributed bans only lasting for ''five measly years''. In Texas, mistakes warrant the death penalty! True conservatives are "tough on crime," and Mr. Schlafly was clearly not tough on crime.

Before long, Conservapedia contained articles about such falsities as "Evolution," which isn't real, "[[Homosexuality]]," which isn't real, either, and "Bacon," which, despite being real, is far more delicious than it is portrayed by the liberal dogs that wrote the article about it.

In recent times, Conservapedia has degenerated into little more than a melting pot of heathens and [[Sodomy|sodomites]]. If this corruption by liberals continues, it is assured that soon even the [[Bible]] will no longer be considered a pure source of factual information.

[[Image:Gunsandgod.jpg‎|left|thumb|The problem isn't that Conservapedia isn't pro-gun and pro-Jesus. The problem is that Conservapedia isn't pro-gun and pro-Jesus ''enough''.]]
==Wiki: the Communist Manifesto==
The format called the "wiki", being based on collaborative contributions by many contributors, is the opposite of good, clean, American Conservative values. It is, simply, collectivization in disguise.

Real Conservative internet sites, like Worldnetdaily, use laissez-faire competition, ''not'' collaboration, for their pages. Conservapedia is a wiki, and wikis depend on the input of the common worker for their content. Therefore, Conservapedia, and its Conservapedian proletariat supporters, is a Commie-pinko front for liberal values.

''Comrade'' Schlafly says that Wikipedia is six times more liberal than the American public, but statistics show that members of Conservapedia are, on average, more than ''eleven times more liberal'' than ''real'' Americans!<ref>No references needed here, it's painfully obvious!</ref>

Worse, Politburo Chief Schlafly wants to take the internet in a worldwide revolution of so-called "Conservative values". Luckily, real Conservatives see through his paper thin disguise, and point out that under his no-clothes this self styled Emperor is a dirty, naked liberal.

Some critics have pointed out that the dictionary definitions for communism and liberalism are two quite different things. Real conservative critics, in turn, reply that neither communism nor liberalism are conservatism. Therefore, they're both the same thing; enemies of conservatives. Besides, real Conservatives don't own dictionaries. They don't need them.<ref>Definitions are for University professors and blue states.</ref>

==Christian values???==
<span class=plainlinks>Another example of the rampant liberalism in Conservapedia is its unwillingness to ban people for the amount of time that God would have wanted. As it states in Holy Scripture,
[[Image:603px-Sputnikteck.jpg|right|thumb|Andrew Schlafly, shown connecting the Conservapedia server to the internet. Just out of frame, Phyllis Schlafly (his mother and a "conservative" activist) is burning an American flag.]]
{{cquote|And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast [it] from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having none.|4=Matt 18:9}}
Or, the more direct quote:
{{cquote|God beholdeth at all things and knoweth all sinnes. God sayeth in his wrath, "I hath seen thine liberal[istic] editing on Conservapedia and I will wish thee a fine time in hell, for thou knowst that is where thou belongst. Thine editings are a disgrace and blasphemise mine teachinges and thou knowest that thou art a sinner. "|4=Joseph 4:20}}
In other words, it's better to be saved than sorry. God's ban is a permaban. The Bible doesn't lie.<ref>It's inerrant. Obviously.</ref> Unfortunately, Conservapedia refuses to ban Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and Buddhists for any length of time even close to what God would have wanted. One Jewish user was blocked for [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special%3ALog&type=block&user=Conservative&page=User%3AJewishguy 5 years]. Five puny years! That's not even ''close'' to the eternity of hellfire that all sinners (and Liberals''!'') in the wrong religions will endure! And that was after a warning. Does God give warnings? ''Hell no'', he smites. Not only that, but the Jewish user, was subsequently [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=block&page=User:Jewishguy unblocked]! Obviously, ''Rabbi'' Schlafly was in on this, and is perpetuating a degradation of true Christian values.</span>

<span class=plainlinks>Similarly way-too-short blocks were issued to users like [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=block&page=User:Hindu this Hindu], [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=block&page=User:LefthandedJew this Jew], [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special%3AIpblocklist&action=search&limit=&ip=Voodoonomics this Voodoo], [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=block&page=User:Jewsdidwtc this Jew], and [http://www.conservapedia.com/index.php?title=Special:Log&type=block&page=User:Jewsus this Jew]. Clearly, ''Imam-High Priest-Brahmin-Witch doctor-Guru-Rastafarian-Rabbi-Thing'' Schlafly lacks any sort of true Christian morality.</span>

==Homosexuality at Conservapedia==
Since the creation of the site by Andrew Schlafly, son of [[ball-buster|feminist]] Phyllis Schlafly and brother of homosexual John Schlafly, there's been a noticeable focus on homosexual desires in many of the articles. Overall, this disturbing trend leads to the conclusion that homosexuality is always on the [[Oral_sex|tip of the tongue]] of various Conservapedians. Indeed, this trend has seemingly intensified over the past year, with some users finding themselves [[Orgy|ganged up on]] in regards to homosexuality. Obviously, due to the nature of the site (the site is aimed towards homeschooled children), parents have expressed concern over numerous articles and discussions, including [[Bukkake|"Homosexual Overcoming"]] and [http://www.conservapedia.com/Homosexuality_and_smoking "Smoking Homosexuals"]. One of the clear proponents of the Homosexual focus of Conservapedia is user Ed Poor, who displays with pride that he is a [http://www.conservapedia.com/File:Ed_poor_grinning.jpg member of the Homosexual "Bear" community], woof!

==Promises of Conservapedia in Christian Scripture==
===In Revelation, the book wherein basically everything is promised if you try hard enough===
{{cquote|...I saw a woman seated on a scarlet beast that was covered with blasphemous names, with seven heads and ten horns|4=Rv 17:3}}
This states that God promises that one day, a great beast shall rise up from whence he was banished, and he would be great. This beast, clearly, is the beast of '''liberal pussy communist bastards'''. Further symbolizing them is the fact that a ''woman'' is seated on it. A '''''WOMAN!!!''''' Who is, by the way, not in the kitchen. What does this tell us? That avarice and inhumanity will rise. Later in this chapter, we get a promise of a savior:
{{cquote|...but the Lamb will conquer them, for he is Lord of lords and king of kings...|4=Rv 17:14}}

This is Conservapedia! It will crush the disgusting insurrection of the moralless beast, restore the gross misogyny and tyranny that God would want. It is killing beasts and harlots since before Angels and Airwaves were born. Alas, something has gone wrong...
[[Image:Bible2.jpg|thumb|left|Artist's conception of Conservapedia 1.0, which WILL beat Wikipedia 1.0 to the shelves! Liberal pussy communist bastards...]]

===In Genesis, which is kinda the opposite of Revelation, but hey!===
{{cquote|For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil. And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.|4=Gn 3:5-6}}
This seems, at first, to be Conservapedia. What else could the fruit that teaches all that is true be? But wait! God is pissed off now!
{{cquote|And he said, Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree, of which I commanded that you should not eat?|4=Gn 3:14}}
And now it's clear. These false truths are what God dislikes, these blasphemous lies perpetuated by liberal "scientists," who weren't even homeschooled and are therefore retarded, and then spread by evil websites '''just like Conservapedia.''' We all know who ''else'' presents these false truths; the serpent. The serpent...or those '''liberal, pussy, pink, socialist, feminist, lesbian, softy, anti-fascist communist bastards.''' And here God promises Conservapedia:
{{cquote|I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; it shall strike at your head as you strike at his heel.|4=Gn 3:15}}
What better representation of Conservapedia than a concept such as enmity? We will STRIKE at the liberal pussy communist bastards as they attempt to bruise our heels, and we shall slaughter all of them, just as God undoubtedly intended.<ref>Messages of peace and love in the Bible are metaphorical or anecdotal, what God really wants is genocide of all liberals.</ref>

==Drawing the obligatory conclusions==
<div class="noprint" style="clear: right; border: solid #aaa 1px; margin: 0 0 1em 1em; font-size: 90%; background: #f9f9f9; width: 250px; padding: 4px; spacing: 0px; text-align: left; float: right;">
<div style="float: left;"> [[Image:Conservlogo.png|60px]]</div>
<div style="margin-left: 60px;">For those who want their "facts" presented to them with rampant liberal bias, the pinko cowards at [[Conservapedia]] have an article about <span class="plainlinks">[http://www.conservapedia.com/Conservapedia Themselves]</span></div>
</div>
{{wikipediapar|Conservapedia|{{PAGENAME}}}}
And so, all in all, it is painfully clear from the above-cited evidence that the website Conservapedia is an abhorrent, liberal scourge of the [[internet]]. The very fact that its misnomer of a name falsely claims conservative beliefs is itself evidence of the website's glaring liberal deceptions. Perhaps Mr. Schlafly had a better vision in mind when he spawned Conservapedia, but he should know that pride is one of the seven deadly sins, just as [[sloth]], [[anger|wrath]], [[evolution]], and [[premarital wanking|premarital masturrbation]] are.<ref>Little-known honorable mentions for the seven deadly sins included homosexuality, liberalism, questioning any established institutions, and the female orgasm.</ref> Mr. Schlafly's ''pride'' deceived him into thinking that the internet has any hope of supporting clean, family, ''Christian'' values, and because of that he is an ignorant stupid liberal pinko commie left-wing tax-raising media-supporting ignorant stupid liberal. And he is going to Hell. A website as conservative as this surely has the authority to make that judgment.
noodled revival from russia YOU AMERICAN BITHC!
==See also==
*[[Examples of Bias in Conservapedia]]
*[[Biblical Literalism]]

== External Links ==
*[http://www.conservapedia.com Conservapedia Main Page]

==Footnotes==
<div class="references-small">
<references/>
</div>

{{FA|date=14 March 2008|revision=2861793}}
{{UnMedia}}

[[Category:Politics and Government]]
[[Category:Conservapedia]][[Category:God]]
[[Category:Ineffective Right Wing Propaganda]]
[[Category:War on Science]]
[[Category:Websites]]
[[Category:Wiki]]
[[Category:Followers God Would Rather Not Have]]
[[Category:People who could benefit from getting laid more often]]
[[Category:Things George Bush most certainly cares about]]
[[Category:Nasty Right Wing Bastards]]
[[Category:Conservapedia]]

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Combat

2010-02-09T16:37:41Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

'''Combat''' is when yourre combatativibe yeas yes i sataniasst Russia are my home!

We feck you in the aas! Lol you chrinnstian basterds with no balls~!
[[category:military]]

President of the United States of America

2010-02-09T16:35:33Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

[[Image:Bushooooo.JPG|thumb|right|300px|[[George W. Bush]] currently lying, as his mouth is open.]]

Georrge BUSH motherfrucker! loool!>?
[[Image:BushEvil.gif|thumb|right|300px|[[Dubya]] was always an action hero.]]

{{Q|I should have this job too.|Oscar Wilde|being President|}}

{{Wikipedia}}
*1. A point of occupation when one's purpose and source of income is representing pure evil. Not being evil, per se, but it does help.
*2. A tequilla, if you add "ay" at the end, i.e. "President-ay".
*3. A topic of second importance, i.e. "The budget takes president, but increasing ICBM's comes first."
*4. Your daily source of reality tv show.
*5. Generally not women, unless one has special powers by way of [[Hillary Clinton|wearing the pants]] in a relationship with a former President.
*6. Not 299,999,999 Americans at any given time.
*7. The opposite of absinthe, poorly spoken.
*8. Definitely not black or Italian people (except for the Obama guy now)
*9. Soon-to-be Micheal Jackson (Only he will now be President of the afterlife).
*10. Not to be confused with <i>Pepsodent</i>, a product having to do with good things and the mouth, and thus an antonym.

Presidents have different powers in different countries.
*George Bush is widely regarded as the greatest comedian in the history of mankind. This is despite the fact he's never attempted to tell a joke in his life. Theory is he acquired this power during one of his weekly tee times with God, trading it for his ability to pronounce nuclear. It should also be noted God has never mispronounced nuclear since.
*It's a little known fact that Abraham Lincoln, or "The Emancipator", is in fact the greatest boxer ever. During a particularly heated moment in the Stephen Douglas debate, Douglas attempted to start a fistfight. This is widely regarded as the dumbest decision a presidential canidate has ever made, with the exception of Howard Dean's infamous speech "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The Debate resumed two days later, after hours of delicate surgery had removed Douglas's teeth from his brain. Sadly, the remainder of the debate consisted of Douglas randomnly shouting "MEATLOAF!", and slamming his fist onto his podium like a [[ginger]] giving birth to a [[llama]].
*In France, the president is the head of state, so he must constant argue with and stonewall the head of government, namely the [[Prime Minister]]. If this doesn't take place, people begin to question if anything gets done, and no one wants that, ain't it so?
*In Finland, the President is not a person, but in fact a two dimensional fictional character named "Moominmamma". There is currently a great debate involving most of Finlands political recources going on about why this is.
*In Norway, the president is an turnip named Erik Thorstvedt, who adopted a heriditary Rule in Stavanger, and was appointed by the power of the selfruled country Bergen.
*In Germany, the President is [[Hitler]].
*In Sweden the president is a small radio company that invented Ikea.
[[Image:mr_jones.jpg|thumb|left|[[Tommy Lee Jones]] is the only person who holds higher power than the president.]]

== The purpose of presidents ==

==See Also:==
[[Category:Politics and Government]]
[[Category:Presidents]]
[[Category:Things That Were Better in the 90s]]
A President is someone who has the power to rape every rule and law (including grammar laws)in the book, and make up new ones as he or she goes along(see [[Dub-Ya]] for more info). He is also a feuckin bitch who is GAY. A President can also pass votes that, though perhaps not directly, may cause suicidal behaviour in pregnant teenage males. Some Presidents are more powerful than others. (this following is information regarding the United States)The United States President, for example, has power over most of the world(see Team America World Police on Wikipedia for more info). While the U.S.s official turf encompasses everything south of Canada and north of Mexico(plus Alaska and Hawaii), they are moving in on Afghanistan and more importantly Iraq, both of whom have many valuable natural resources(opium, oil, cannabis, hashish, oil, lots more oil and opium, see Mike Toreno for details). The US is considered by many to be one of the most ruthless crews this side of Earth. Their colors are Red, White, and Blue, resembling Native Americans(red) who were killed and their bodies turned cold and strange-colored(blue) by mostly white people(white). While a less-organized but more-famous method of smokin' motherfeuckaz was just to invade and accidentally shoot as many civis as possible, a method that is becoming increasingly popular is to break into someone's house and stuff hundreds of sleeping pills in their mouths, thus O.D.ing them(see Dub-Ya's book, titled "Dope-A(A symbolizing I)-Mean, Uh..." for details on how to avoid an overdose). Back to the Presidency. Being President means all your Capos(see Government Staff for details) kick up directly to you, and then you give a percentage to the guy who really call's the shots(see Cick&Dheney Contract Hitz.org for info). Also, if a certain business refuses to pay their "protection tax" to you, you have the bribe money to call the Po-Lease(see Racist for more info) and have them locked up for years.

[[File:Obama-lincoln-cp-w6109957.jpg|right|thumb|300px||The President is about to be inaugurated, and [[Nobody Cares]].]]

===To Become President You Must:===

*Defeat the current President in hand-to-hand [[combat]].
* Master the art of "us" and "them"
* Never get caught in your Tinkie Winkie suit.
* Be man enough to give Ted Kennedy a [[reach-around]].
* Be "fo rizzle"
* Smoke marijuana, but never inhale.
* Decide to attack another country for no apparent reason.
* Have a "deeply concerned" face, a "quietly pondering" face, and a "confident incompetent" face. Nothing that comes forth from your lips is particularly considered relevant.
* Expand the American Empire in some way, past examples of this are:
# George Washington: Illegally stole the Eastern Coast of North America from the brits.
# John Adams: Invaded Florida and drove off the Spanish.
# Ben Franklin: Created the state of Franklin from land legally stolen from the natives.
# Churchill: Took the glorious Midwest from the Canadan Caliphite after World War 1 1/2.
# Ma and Pa: Incorporated the great prarie, one boring book at a time.
# Old Abe: Took over half of Mexico to make up for the loss of the Confederate States of America.
# Teddy Bear Rossevelt: Took Puerto Rico from Spain because we wanted a limbo place that wasn't a state nor a territory so we could torture our victims legally.
# George Bush Sr.: Took over Kuwait in the name of 'world peace'.
# Bill Clinton: Kidnapped a bunch of Iranian babes to rub baby oil into his back on the weekends.
# George Bush Jr.: Took over Iraq, Afghanidom and Hippieland from the Canadians 'cause we hate Canada. and hired [[ xangu the clown ]]
# Hillary Clinton: Is so sure of election, has already moved into oval office and took the rest of Canada.
# Harry Truman: Kill a whole mess o' Japs... er... wait... how did that expand America? Ah, who cares... f***ing Japs...
* Be, know, or stand near Steve Severance.
*As of 2008 be black or a Woman
[[cs:Prezident Česka]]
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[[sv:President]]
[[zh:囧統]]
[[zh-tw:總捅]]

Republican Party

2010-02-09T16:31:41Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

{{Whoops|Third Reich}}

<center>
<table cellpadding="5"><tr><td bgcolor="FFFFBB">[[Image:crash_merge.jpg|100px]]</td>
<td bgcolor="FFFFBB">
'' Some dummb fool created 2 articles about the same thing. <br/>Therefore, '''this article''' or '''section''' should be [[:category:Articles to be merged|merged]] with [[Democratic Party]].<br>If you are the author, consider merging the contents so we don't have to do it later.''
</td></tr></table>
</center>

{{Q|Oooh, look at me! I'm a Democrat! I know how to read and care about people! I don't believe in the Kingdom of the USA!|The Republican Party |its election campaign}}
{{Q|Oh, Dear God, what have I done?|Abraham Lincoln|His Horrible Creation}}
{{wikipedia}}
[[Image:Dumbo.GIF|thumb|right|250px|The Republican mascot is an elephant]]
[[Image:Glenbecksealrepublican.jpg|thumb|right|250px|The Official Seal Of The Republican Party as of September 12th, 2009.]]
[[Image:republicanhq.jpg|thumb|A rare photo of the Republican Party HQ. The picture was found in a very dark forest, and both the camera and the photographer were nowhere to be found. They are still missing.]]
'''<math>\mathfrak {The\ Republican\ Party}</math>''', also known affectionately as the '''[[God]] & [[Oil]] Party''' (GOP) is a division of [[Halliburton]] and a subsidiary of the Federalist Society, formerly known as the Federal [[Government]] of the United States. Its main function is to boost the sales of Israeli flag lapel pins and magnets. As of [[2007]], despite receiving a good ol' Texas '[[George Dubya Bush|thumpin]]' it is one of the largest [[Misanthropy|misanthropic]] organizations in the [[Bloodbath pitch|world]]. Well known for its [[fascist|Ultra-Orthodox]] [[communist|Jewish-Leninist]] practice of [[trotsky|democratic centrism]], in which no party member is allowed to disagree with the central organization. In fact [[me|I]] knew a guy who tried to disagree once. They later found his dead body floating in the [[Iraq|Potomac River]]. His corpse displayed signs of [[yaoi|torture]] and [[sralnal sex|wild violation]]. This causes [[grue|Republicans]] great stress and results in bi-weekly mass Republican [[Jeff Gannon|orgies]] in Washington, DC.

===Rockefeller Republicans===
[[Image:Unity.jpg|thumb|left|250px|Republican Party Logo before the [[Teabag|tea bagger movement]]. The guy on the right is Karl Rove...or Lee Raymond. I don't know which.]]

These guys are the ones that are slowly being killed off by the sectarian death squads. They are mostly well-educated and wealthy suburbanites and are quite moderate, a lot of them are even pro-choice and pro-[[gay]]. Some of them are very, <i>very</i> pro-[[gay]]. These guys were in power before Pat Robertson started to making bizzare clicks and grunts that awoke his hordes of zombies. Currently, they are listed as an "Endangered Species" by the Endangered Species Act due to hunting by the radical cleric Jerry Falwell and population reduction due to loss of habitat that is made faster every year by expansion of [[democrat]] communities into the Rockefellers' natural range. Many of members of this sub-species live in Log Cabins.
[[Image:Acou.JPG|right|thumb|150px|Ann Coulter: scientific name: bimbodium transexuale whoreonius. Heroine of the Whore and Dumb movement of the early 2000's]]

=== Republican Republicans ===
This sub-species dominates the modern republican party. Their natural range is the [[Bible Belt]] and the [[Mormon|Jello Belt]]. They are sometimes confused with zombies on election day as any resident of a town of less than 100,000 people and that is more than 300 miles inland would say. However, this strain of zombieism is different than any others as its members/hosts are still metabolically active and reproduce. In fact, they fruck like rabbits. Because of the emerging overpopulation of zombies attributed to this, a new, compassionate campaign of "spay and neuter your fundy" has begun. Also, the common [[mink]] has been introduced to act as predators in areas just outside of these creatures' home range, such as Colorado and Ohio. This strategy of zombie management has sustained some success in the last year or so. In fact, wildlife experts are becoming cautiously optimistic that this vermin species can be contained.

=== Logcabin Republicans ===
The section of the Republican party who are openly [[gay]]. Most Republicans are gay but not all or openly gay. The reason that they are called "log cabin" republicans is because they like to engage in [[sodomy]] within the secure and silent confines of a wilderness locale (a log cabin). Lesbians are excluded from being Log Cabin Republicans because "they like pussy too much" (O'Reilly 122). Note that heterosexual women often have a great deal in common with gay Republican men. One theory is that they both take it up the buttt. Thus the one defining aspect of being a Republican is engaging in sraalnal sex. Often noted as the origamial founding members of the party.

However, They are often accepted by the regular Republicans, due to the fact that they didn't choose to be gay, but they chose to be Republicans. They can unite their hate against the Democrats, who in their words are 'Assholes.'

=== Others ===
[[Image:Sealrepugparty.jpg|thumb|right|250px|Alternative Republican Party Logo....these [[Internet Meme|running gags]] doing it for ya?]]
*'''Women Republicans''': Chicks down with beating fellow sisters in abortion rallies, and be like Sarah Palin who loves her children, doesn't eat them or turn their stem cells for medicinal purposes like child-killer pro-choice Democrats.
*'''[[Uncle Tom|Black Republicans]]''': A rare breed of Republicans are [[black people|American Africans]], who dislike affirmative action, doing away with racial segregation and political correctness to fight the alledged false claims of [[racism]].
*'''[[Rednecks|"Real American" Republicans]]''': The dirty, ugly, fat and inbred white trash. Predominantly NRA members who drink in excess. Usually live in old trailer parks or run down shacks. Favorite foods include "Turducken" and "Chicken Fried Bacon". All suffer from obesity and love to chug gravy. Hobbies also inlucde: banjo playing, watching NASCAR, and incest.

==History==
===Origins===
The Republican Party was founded by Your Lord and Savior [[Republican Jesus|Jesus Christ]], well-known for His [[free]]-[[pyramid scheme|market]](my favorite market is one where London Broil still sells for $2/lb...or 30p/100g for you [[communist]] [[homosexuals]]), [[fun|pro-gun]], [[prostitution|anti-abortion]] (so you can shoot the sheriff when he comes and arrests you for abortion), anti-[[tax]], [[slavery|anti-poor]], anti-[[your mom|whore]], [[terrorist|anti-Liberal]] stance. The poor are fat and lazy that just live because Democrats steal Republicans money to "give" to the lazy poor.

===Glory Days===
[[Image:John_Mccain23.jpeg|thumb|A typical Republican.]]
The Republicans later took over control of the [[Roman Empire]], which led to a thousand years of unprecedented peace and prosperity. The sun never set on the Roman Empire, from their [[Australia]]n [[Koala]] mines, to their [[Asian chicks]] farms in exotic [[Taiwan]].

===Decline===
However, [[faggot]]s [[Ted Haggard|with plump, tempting asses]] took over control of the Roman Empire, leading to the decline of the Republic Party and the Roman Empire for many centuries. The Roman Empire was eventually destroyed, whereas while the Republican tree was destroyed, it had a bunch of seeds somewhere. These were emptied out of a bird in America, where the new Republican tree was planted. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing.

===Being Born Again===
In the early 1900s, [[George Washington]] re-established Republican values by drive-by killing [[Queen Victoria]] and her queer son, [[Jack the Ripper]], single handedly causing the death of millions of [[Native Americans]] from sheer fright. Thus was [[America]] founded, under the unfailing leadership of [[Empire|Republican might]], except for eight years, when women were required by law to sexually satisfy the deviant pleasures of their corrupt leader, [[Newt Gingrich|Bill Clinton]].

[[Image:Monkeydog.jpg|right|thumb|200px|Bubba Joe "Monkeylips" Moran Jr., Republican candidate for office, 2012.]]

===Today===
Republicans are the most loyal to their own of any political party out there. Even if you raped over 9000 boys, you would still be applauded by the National Committee for your bravery in showing those 14 year-olds the hazards of being so goddamned sexy. Also Republicans do not believe in Science, Truth, Psycho-ology, gravity, common sense, and free will, unlike their radical counter parts the Democrats.

==A Portrait of the Republican Party==
Unlike other [[politicians]], [[Feudal Lords|Republicans]] require the money of the poor to survive. They get their money through illegal drug sales, prostitution, human trafficing, and baking cookies. The Republican party is also known as the party of [[pyramid scheme|tax cuts]] and the [[slavery|ownership society]].

This group is know for their utter disgust and contempt for any country other than the United States ("United States" meaning "[[rednecks|Oklahoma]], [[megatexas|Texas]], [[white people|Idaho]], [[Mormons|Utah]], [[KFC|Indiana]], [[KKK|Kansas]], [[white trash|Tennessee]], [[Kentuckistan]], [[Wal-Mart|Arkansas]], [[Asians|Alabama]], and other Southern states") doing something for its own benefit by cleansing the world of [[homosexual]]s, [[liberals]], [[abortion]]ists, [[Catholic]]s, [[agnostics]], [[atheists]], [[blacks]], [[Indians|natives]], [[emo]]s, [[grues]], [[Arabs]], [[Work|union workers]], [[feminist]]s, [[metrosexual]]s, [[dog|sloths]], [[cat]], [[Mexicans]], [[Hispanic]]s and anyone who doesn't like [[chicken]] [[fried chicken]]. Republicans generally spend their time saving random countries from people [[Saddam Hussein|they don't like]].

Additionally, Republicans are known for a psychotic addiction to war and are the only party to support a president who thinks that Africa is a country, not a continent. Republicans often virulently vilify Senator [[Robert Byrd]] as a racist, but in another hand they have advocated the conservation and utilization of [[Robert Bird]]s as an "all-American species".

[[Image:Roosevelt01.jpg|left|thumb|156px|[[Teddy Roosevelt]], laughing at what has become of the Republican Party.]]

=== Social Habits ===
A ton of them live in [[Montana]], mainly were former residents of [[Orange County]]. However, the locals refer them as a bunch of Californian [[liberal]] posers. Time for a lynch mob gathering.

====Home Life====
Typically, Republicans organize in units called "families", and attend each other's "churches", which consist of women chatting over Peach Schnapps and snorting [[cocaine|coke]] while slaving over ordering the servants (minorities) around, and the men getting tweaked on [[meth]] and watching [[Sesame Street|Sodomy Street]]. It is not uncommon for Republican Children to read fictitious tales such as Sesame Street - Color Me Mine, Barney's Weather Book, and the [[Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition]]
What we do not learn is that more than 75% of all Republicans are homosexuals, who did homosexual things. Like the US's current and former President Abraham Lincoln and George W. Bush. These two have been having an affair since early 2004. When shown picture evidence President Bush denies it, while President Lincoln admits it. This is not a shocker for all the priests and pastors of the party who are now open pedophiles.

====A Day In The Life Of A Republican====
Republican daily life revolves around the [[hell|office]] and [[church]] (a sort of [[heaven]] for them). The average Republican will usually wake up at six in the morning and report to work by five in the morning, even if work is only a 5 minute walk from home. Many believe it has something to do with their internal sonar, called "gaydar", but experiments to confirm this have been mixed, with a correlation rate between 47.736% and 50.432%. Anyway, after 9 hours of saving the world if they have not been constantly abusing [[Mexicans]], [[teenagers]] and [[losers]], the Republican becomes tired. Unless of course, the said Republican is a [[loser]], then [[it]] is coming home from being [[UnNews:China outlaws reincarnation, Tibetan monks just found out.|abused]] for 10 hours. At any rate, the Republican was stuffing its face all day. After a hard day of yelling and eating, the republican packs up the children and goes to church. At church, the Republican speaks in tongues, shaves its pubes and handles snakes while the children are taught to forget everything they learned in science class, unless that knowledge is important in weapons making. At church they also take part in occultist rituals and human sacrafice. They often repeat this for 6 days a week, except for Saturday after church, when the "coon-hunting" occurs.

Source: [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Der_St%C3%BCrmer Der Stürmer]

==[[Conspiracy|Agenda]]==
[[Image:Bush3cardwg6.jpg|thumb|167px|Gambling with our future is a regular activity of the typical Republican.]]
===[[Lying|Hypocrisy]]===
*The Republican Party exists, in part, to show how hypocritical people can be. For example, the GOP opposes gay marriage, but its leaders are some of the most flaming [[homosexual]]s on the planet, including [[Loser|Rick Santorum]], [[prostitute|Jeff Gannon]], [[Rudy Giuliani]], [[Criminal|Tom DeLay]], [[Faggot|Sam Brownback]], and [[Sith Lord|Karl Rove]]. However, it should be noted there is no evidence that Karl Rove is actually a [[gay]] person. He might just be very unappealing to [[women]], and it is fair to say that even the most tasteless butch [[homo|queer]] in the world would probably want no part of Karl Rove, either. He could just be asexual or not even human.
*The Republicans also enjoy lighting themselves on fire for the country "[[Amerika]]". Much to their disappointment, [[chanting|nationalism]] is a form of [[pride]] and pride is a [[Chocolate|deadly sin]] and all Republicans are religious so they're all going to [[hell]] (''see'' [[Christian logic]]).
*They accuse the liberal Democrats for creating the "race politics industry" for the horrible thing affirmative action has done to white people and males, banned the freedom of religion by activity for Wal-marts to stop any banners saying "Merry Christmas" during the holiday sales, and finally the public educational/pop cultural/ mass media promotion of [[philias]] such as homosexuality by "the Gays", inter-racial marriage and premarital sexual relations.

==="[[Slavery|Freedom]]"===
*The GOP claims to support freedom, but gleefully frucks with brain-dead people who just want to become properly dead people.
-Note if the brain-dead were allowed to become actually dead, people may suggest that Dumbya be euthanized.
*In fairness, the GOP works to defend the interest of [[Red States|all brain-dead people]] as well as giving large and regressive tax rebates to those who make more than $300,000 a year (sweaty fat frucks and whores).
*Everybody deserves a tax cut except the poor, those bastards need to pay.
*To preserve the freedom of speech like the right for any white guy to shout "nigger", "faggot" and "retard" in public without getting sued, being punched, or even arrested for a hate crime. But they got the FCC to ban any uttering of "Hell", "god damn" and "Jesus Christ", as well the immoral nature of a woman breast feeding in the public is alot worse than a male [[rape|discipling]] his wife.

[[Image:Slime Away.jpg|thumb]]

===[[Ethics|Their Fears]]===
* Arguing with Mutes
* Logic
* World Peace.
* [[Gay People|Gay people]] <ref>Unless they're Republicans.</ref>
* [[Democrats]].
* [[Socialism]], unless it is for themselves.
* Having someone intelligent for president.
* Anything not white.
* SpongeBob SquarePants <ref>Sheldon J. Plankton however, is a Republican.</ref>
* [[Minorities]].
* [[Black People]] <ref>Specifically [[Ving Rhames]].</ref>
* Freedom.
* Cute things.
* Everything that isn't America.
* Canada, Europe or New Zealand.
* 95% of Americans <ref>Including illegal aliens from the planet Zorgon.</ref>
* Love <ref>Unless it's "Christian".</ref>
* Hippies.
* Displays of affection
* Kindness
* Enough voters to stop the [[selling]] and buying that constitutes a working day in Washington.
* A brain. ex: [[Dolly Parton]] and [[Thomas the Tank Engine]].
* Every superhero from [[Marvel Comics]] (because they are all in New York, and New York is a Democrat commune).
* Women <ref>Except if they are barefoot and [[pregnant]].</ref>
* Sex <ref>They feel a bit short in this area.</ref>
* Liberal media.
* Poor people.
* Elephant hunters.
* SpongeBob and Patrick enslaving the world and forcing us to make cameras that make everything into gay minorities.
* The Wrath of [[Rush Limbaugh]]
* Change
* Tyler Perry

===[[begging|Wealth Exploration]]===
The Republican Party reserves the right to invade other countries, using the resources of the US Government, and the United Nations (see [[pussy]]). Countries identified for invasion will be subject to an initial survey to identify oil, natural gas, precious metals, and any other known threats to the USA's security, such as more gay hookers to be hired.

== The Glorious Republican Platform ==
[[Image:Elvisrepublicans.JPG‎|thumb|right|250px|The Republican Platform--Best Selling stand up comedy album of all time--now available on CD and Audio Cassette!]]
[[Image:NaziTownHall.jpg|thumb|The Republican National Convention, St. Paul, 2008]]
[[Image:Obama_nope.jpg|right|thumb|250px|The views of the Republican Party, 2009]]

====[[Theocracy|Traditional Values]]====
* Protect public school teachers' rights to use supermarket-grade meat grinders on disruptive sheeple and to lead the class in prayer five times a day while facing East, towards [[Iraq]]... the glorious Republican [[Jihad]] must live on!
* Pretend we care about abortion.
* Protecting Republican like values in debate through [[pedophilia]], mass extermination of homosexuals, and torture reform.
* Enshrine a "[[Fred Phelps|Anti-Sodomy]]" amendment in the Constitution.
* Cut taxes for the rich.
* Raise taxes for the poor.
* Hate foreigners.
* Pretend we care about abortion.
* Hate the liberals.
* Support Israel. We must help them bomb the piss out of the Palestinian.
* Oops, that is the Democratic Platform as well!
* Defend Freedom & Liberty from the threats of due process and trial by jury
* Pretend we care about abortion
* Hate women (except for [[Sarah Palin]] and [[Ann Coulter]]).
* Hate gays. ([[Larry Craig]] would dispute this, but it's not polite to talk with your mouth full).
* FOR GOD'S SAKE, Pretend we care about abortion (So we can get more than two votes), and care about [[babies]].
* Hate all members of the LGBT community (But not the Log Cabin Republican, their campaign contribution checks clear, and there will be plenty of room in the concentration camps for them too when the time comes).
* Call anyone who doesn't agree with you a terrorist (Politicians who selectively disagree with themselves are exempt, this is called campaigning, unless they're a Democrat, then they flip-flopped).
* Hate black people (Yes, [[Kanye West]] Bush doesn't care about them either.)
* Pretend we care about abortion.
* Lower education standards.
* Preach about God
* Fund more money into Fox News and that dumnbass [[Bill O'Reilly]].
* Pretend we care about abortion.
* Erect a monument to that dummbass Bill O'Reilly.
* And hate gays.
* Pretend we care about abortion.
* Protecting the oppressed white population from the evils of [[reverse discrimination]].

====[[Slavery|Promoting Economic Expansion and Growth]]====
{{Wikipediapar|corporate welfare|corporate welfare}}
*Tax decreases so that they can kick gramma out of [[Social Security]] and make her homeless,and then to beat her to death as a form of entertainment. A truly compassionate, entertaining, and conservative approach to fiscal matters.
* Dump the [[American]] greenback currency in favor of condor gonads and manatee hides.
* Destroying public works or selling them for their new [[Maybach]] so that their [[nigger|manservant]] can drive them around.
* destroy all nonwhites and everyone who has an income of less than $1 million through "tax cuts" (their actually 100% raises in taxes)
* Increasing government spending to fund a wasteful [[bureaucracy|military-industrial complex]] and give [[whore|welfare]] to needy corporations.
* Send in more illegal aliens to work in our factories, rather than shipping the factories to Mexico. "Free trade" is so much fun!
[[Image:GOPJEZUS.jpg|left|thumb|180px|Yes! For $335,000.00, you can be driven around in this! ...but you gotta do something about welfare or you will be stuck with your 2 year old Bentley.]]

====[[Racism|Protecting Our Communities]]====
* Eliminate the $60,000,000,000 a month trade deficit by making blacks the nation's #1 product export through government subsidy and [[Holocaust|controlled]] lynching.
* Build the [[Iron Curtain|El Paso Wall]] to keep out brown people while still expecting to win Southwestern Purple states by siphoning the Hispanic vote with [[Mormons|magical panties]].
* Repeal the Civil Rights Act of 1964, as it violates States' Rights, undermines Freedom of Association, and destroys our cultural heritage.

====[[Big Brother|Strong Leadership]]====
* Invading countries around the world for weekend [[Dachau|camping]] trips.
* Pick a country, doesn't matter which one, after the war, no one will care. And the Democrats will keep fighting said wars, but feel bad about it.
* Always pick a scapegoat at the last minute.
* Talk about Jesus Christ chose America as "God's chosen people", that also worked in [[Nazi Germany]] to get rid of "[[Jews|Christ killers]]" in the 1930's.
* Maybe that CIA-hired Chilean dictator [[Pinochet]] had a good point in getting rid of "liberals", hippies, socialists and Anarchists.

==Modern Usage==
[[Image:Kenblackwellgov.jpg‎|thumb|A black Republican|200px]]
Res, Rei, Latin n. Thing.
*Publican \Pub"li*can\, n. [L. publicanus: cf. F. publicain. See [[Public]].]. (Rom. Antiq.) A farmer of the taxes and public revenues; hence, a collector of toll or tribute. Other etymology is a combination of Pube/Licking.

*Republican \Re-pub"li*can\, n. 1. A collector of toll or tribute (taxes) that keeps coming back again, and again, and again, ... ; 2. A remover of the taxes and public revenues (mainly into their or their friends' pockets) ... ; 3. A political party that continuously puts pubes on soda cans, a practice started by [[Clarence Thomas]] from the latter, shunned etymology of Pube Licking as "Pube Licking Things", Res Publica.

The term "Republican" refers to a form of [[psychosis]] brought on by excessive [[baby|bed wetting]] and [[sex]] with livestock and very hot bikini clad men who drive [[300|Chrysler 300]]s. The first known Republican was King Frou-frou the [[Impotence|Impotent]] of [[Belgium]] (AD 1443-1465), best remembered for coining the phrase "Finger lickin' good". He was lynched by his subjects for failure to pay excessive [[library]] fines.

[[Image:RMurdoch.jpg|thumb|left|You must be this rich to benefit from the Republican Party.]]

The term "Republics" is used to refer to the culture of the [[Republican Party]]. This typically consists of middle-aged white males, who are known to thump [[Rush Limbaugh]], and tune into the [[Bible]] on the local Clear Channel radio station at 12:00 Noon EST.

In recent times there has been a falling out of the term "Republican" to mean the Republican Party in the vernacular. It is more oft used in the form "That party was Republican." Used in the nominative adjectival... adjectivivial... to describe things, it is a party where B.Y.O.P. is included in the invitation. B.Y.O.W. is commonly understood to mean "Bring Your Own Whore", although it has been more common for there to be an exchange of prostitutes at a Republican Party. It has become fashionable to trade prostitutes for favors at Republican Parties. A vibrant culture of [[men|women]] exchange has evolved in recent years. Of particular interest is the "Hooker Exchange," wherein a hooker is left in the coat of the Republican, checked at the coat check, and exchanged by an exchange of the coats.

===Conspiracy?===
Republicans tend to drink more pomegranate than orange juice.

There's no Jewish conspiracy, it's all a BIGGER conspiracy of the filthy RICH.

[[Dole|The Frucking Expensive Fruit Party]] of America.

===The LICAN===
[[Image:gop.png|thumb|right|250px|The Grand Oil Party]]
There are various [[conspiracy]] theories about the Republican Party's connection with an international [[oil]] cartel, the [[Illuminati]], and the church of [[Ass|Beavis]] Christ. However, there is a much darker goal of the Republican Party that has been hidden in the name of the party itself: Re-pub-lican.

[[Image:Rushfat.jpg|thumb|left|150px|....and this fat too.]]
The name reveals a program of establishing a federally implemented, funded (although I don't know where the party of tax cuts is going to come up with the money) and administrated Liquor Control Administration Network, known as the LICAN. The Republicans are modeling this network after [[Canada]]'s Liquor Control Board of [[Ontario]]. The sale of liquor would be nationalized under this program, and only [[government]] run pubs would be able to sell [[alcohol]]. The first phase of the program is a temporary [[prohibition]] during which bars, pubs, and liquor stores would be shut down. The second phase, known as the re-pub phase will be the establishment of government run pubs and bars.

==== How it fits into a plan for a permanent Republican majority ====
Similar to the movie Strange Brew, the Republicans are secretly planning a mind control program through the sale of really cheap [[beer]] (only $1.79 for a can, $3 for a forty and $3.99 for a 6-pack!). Yes, this is part of Karl Rove's and Tom Delay's plan for a [[Monarchy|permanent republican majority]]. The LICAN, after courting several cheap beer companies such as Coors and Budweiser, has chosen Pabst Smears Blue Ribbon to be the national beer.

==== Criticism====
Many Democrats, who have been privy to the secret funding or the LICAN, have expressed outrage. The most outspoken of these has been [[Massachusetts]] [[Senator]] [[Ted Kennedy]], who has said: "[[No one]] with any taste whatsoever, would drink that garbage. Real [[men]] drink [[Guinness]] and Stolichnaya."

=="Freedom"==
[[Image:Nra_freedom2.jpg|left|thumb|150px|"Freedom" in action. ]]
"[[Freedom]]" is the word that Republicans use when they run out of ideas. For example, the war to liberate [[Iraqistan]] is now a [[retard|clusterfruck]]. So, instead of talking about [[WMD|WMDs]] the GOP talks about freedom. Also, "Freedom" is a battle cry for republicans everywhere, even if they believe that women should wear burkas.
[[Image:HumanRightsOVerTime.jpg|thumb|As you can see freedom is for fetuses and "freedom" is what you get when you are born. To see what I mean, click on this graph.|200px]]
This is odd, since freedom contradicts all the things the GOP supports. For example, freedom means [[gay]] people can marry. It also means [[women]] want to "choose" while pregnant out of wedlock. It means that [[black people]] shouldn't have to pick cotton. It means that [[Mexicans]] should be free to cross a [[water|river]] and get a job. It also kind of assumes that [[Arabs]] want freedom, which is a bit like saying that [[dogs]] love piano recitals. Everyone knows that Arabs only want "freedom". So I guess Republicans are half-right.

However, the GOP objects for the freedom for gays to be "out of the closet" like that gay German guy [[Bruno]], women to use the pill before they "do it", black people to drink from the same public water fountain (AIDS in the pool!), Mexicans for speaking Spanish in a land where foreigners should say it in English and even A-rabs for practicing a pagan devil-worship occult known as [[Islam]].

==Official Propaganda Spewer==
{{main|Fox News}}

Fox News serves as the official Republican propaganda spewer.

Fox News criticizes the big 3 TV networks for [[obscenity]], [[profanity]] and [[vulgarity]] on their prime time schedules. But what about FOX network?

And most of all, Fox News is owned by an Australian, fair dinkum mate.

==Mascots==
[[Image:Vote_republican.jpg|thumb|left|250px|A poster used by Ronald Reagan during his 1984 reelection campaign]]

Darth Vader is the current mascot for the Republican party and has been since he was discovered by a conservative talent agency in 1977. His work has been considered a cornerstone to the GOP victories in 1978, 1980, 1982, 1984, 1988, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2002 and 2004. (that's like a 2:1 Win-loss record!!) However, after the formally mentioned [[Nancy Pelosi|"thumping"]] last fall, Karl Rove became [[emo|depressed]] and [[angry]]. After a binge on [[fat|vanilla ice cream]], Karl Rove blamed Darth Vader's emerging [[Anakin Skywalker|"girly man"]] image on the GOP's losses and has been debating having him replaced. The current front-runner to replace him, [[Sephiroth]], has been criticized by [[crazy|party activists]] for where he has spirit, he looks too much like a [[homosexual]]. During the next election, they officially chose the mascot to be, in fact, [[your mom]]. Sucks for [[you]]. However, Karl Rove has stated that there has been physically effeminate manly-men before. Some examples include Jeff [[Ganon|Gannon]], Ted Haggard and Kuja (sorta).

==Footnotes==
<references/>

==See also==
[[Image:SephirothZeta.JPG|thumb|250px|A poster that [[John McCain]] considered using during the 2008 campaign but feel asleep.]]
*[[Worst 100 Things About the '00s]]
*[[A Republican Party]]
*[[Bastard]]
*[[Fascist-Republican Party]]
*[[Religion]]
*[[Zombie Reagan]]
*[[Westboro Baptist Church]]
*[[Doublespeak]]
*[[Rednecks]]
*[[God-Fearing Republicans]]
*[[Non-God-Fearing Democrats]]
*[[Liberal Terrorists]]
*[[NRA]]
*[[KKK]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Sexism]]
*[[Homophobia]]
*[[Xenophobia]]
*[[John McCain]] [[pedophile]] bear
*[[Sarah Palin]] [[birth]] pr0n
*[[HowTo:Be a republican]]
*[[300|Gay Anti-Gays]]
*[[John Kerry]] [[gay]] [[Porn]]
*[[sodomy|I Can't Believe It's Not Buttt Srex]]
*[[Your Mom|Giant Golden srildo]]
*[[Rambo]]
*[[Rocky Balboa|Rocky]]
*[[Sylvester Stallone]]
*[[I can't believe it's not Liberalism]]
*[[Anus|Rectum Republican]]
*[[Supply-side Jesus]]
*[[Supply-side economics]]
*[[Pond Whales]]
*[[Republican Jesus]]
*[[The Phantom Fetus]]
*[[Steve King]]
*[[An Open Letter to Walter Beaman Jones Jr.]]
*[[Chimp out]]
*[[Martin Luther King Jr.]] - NON-CON HERO?
*[[Tony Blair]] - NON LIBERAL!
*[[Hillary Clinton]] - TRAITOR!
*[[Abraham Lincoln]] - WIGGER!
*[[Your Mom]]

===Footnotes===
<div class="references-small">
<references/>
</div>

===External links===
*[http://www.thefrown.com/frowners/becomerepublican.swf Become a Republican in 10 easy steps!]

{{Politicalparty}}

[[Category:Political shit]]
[[Category:Stereotypes]]
[[Category:US Politics]]
[[Category:Evil Organizations]]
[[Category:Evil]]
[[Category:Nasty Right Wing Bastards]]
[[Category:Sarah Palin]]
[[Category:Utah]]
[[category:Things Retards Believe]]

[[ja:共和党 (アメリカ)]]

Religion

2010-02-09T16:22:17Z

Fanngo: grammar fix

{{Q|I killed God to become him!|Bob Dylan|Religion}}
{{Q|Bah! I could be happy too if I believed a lot of shit|Oscar Wilde|Religion}}
{{Q|ha ha i killed you and became god|Lord heven|Religion}}
{{Q|I believe in Unicorns too! (sarcastic)|Atheist|Religion}}
{{Q|[[Humbug|Bah]], I'd rather believe nothing and just die and remain dead in the blackness of death, than believe and worry about whether or not I'm going to some sort of shitty afterlife after dying. (sincere)|Atheist|Religion}}
{{Q|...One of you will betray me....JUST JOKING!!! |Jesus|Religion}}
<center>
{| cellspacing="3" style="clear:both; width:70%;"
|-
| colspan="2" style="border: 2px solid pink; color: #000; background-color: lightpink; padding:10px;"|[[Image:Evileye.jpg|70px|left]]<small>
ATTENTION TROLLS AND EVANGELICAN CHRISTIAN WEBSITES DEDICATED TO SPREADING THE WORD OF HIS HOLINESS [[UnNews:God Rewrites the Bible|GRAKTHAR]]: Please read the Beginner's Guide, and please be funny and not just stupid. Just cause you guys know it's shitbull, don't take it out on the sane.</small>
|}</center>
[[File:Albrecht Altdorfer 016.jpg|thumb|right|250px|See. They are getting him down from the cross dammit!]]
'''Religion''' is a [[lie]] used by rich retards to make money off poor retards. This menhas been around as long as there have been loopy people to believe in it; since the beginning of time. Some apologists argue that if humanity did not have religion, we would all be goat raping sex fiends - which presumably is what they would be were it not for their religious beliefs.

More specifically, it is a widespread and contagious mental illness with over 90% of the world's population infected with 1 or another of its many strains. Religion is usually brought on by infection by the group VI 'Facile And Ignorant Thinking Habits' virus more often known by the acronym ''[[faith|FAITH]]''. Symptoms involve believing something that is not only unproven but also outrageously illogical simply because someone (or occasionally a book), somewhere, says it's [[true]]. In this respect, faith can be considered the chronic form of the lesser mental disorder ''[[gullibility]]''. For synonyms, see [http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/youare.php How To Make a Million Dollars]. The official catch phrase of religion is "Give us your money, and you will have a good afterlife!", known to critics as the "Pie In The Sky" allegory. People often catch religion when asking themselves questions like ''[[Why am I not rich and successful]]'', or ''[[a great lover]]'' etc.

Other symptoms involve slowing the [[Who built the moon|process of science]], donation of money to hobos, participation in race wars, a feeling of superiority over children, paedophiliac fetishes towards touching young boys, a sense of humour towards government jokes, a contradictory simultaneous avocation of anti-abortion and the death penalty, and [[Jihad|spontaneous combustion]].

It is commonly believed that religion is also able to manipulate one's personality/point like you may change people's views in such a way that the infected individual believes, and often inflicts upon others, the idea that o-wanking
is [[evil]] and mwankkingn in little boys is good, and that [[homosexuals]](such as Charles Hill) are pure, undiluted evil and deserve no rights but when the believers rape children its good (see [[Christian logic]]). People infected with ''[[faith|FAITH]]'' seem to have an addiction to being [[paedophile]]s who are members of the priesthood. But pedos are actually people and just like to rape kids as a hobby, like making aeroplane models therefore shouldn't be treated differently. And Doctors can't just shoot you full of Atheism to cure you either. They haven't invented liquid Atheism yet...

== Treatment and Containment ==
[[Image:Image-Bible DVD.jpg|thumb|left|The Bible on DVD; created for illiterate people in the Deep South. (Region 1 discs available)]]

Scientists are currently working on a cure for FAITH, and are hopeful to find an antidote within the time before Judgment Day. Scientists in Japan have been running a clinical trial injecting their subjects with 50cc's of common sense. The ingredients of common sense are so far unknown but the results so far are staggering. Japanese biochemist Ti Mi Schu has published a list of side effects that result from common sense.

1. Changing of political parties, from Republican to Democrat.
2. Joining of either book clubs and/or wine clubs.
3. Urge to purchase a hybrid.
4. The attendance of a college of liberal arts.
5. Bleeding from the eyes.

Due to the simple construction and short life cycle of viruses, when a selective pressure is applied to them <s>[[Evolution]]</s> the [[intelligent design|intelligent designer]] quickly rewrites the viral genome so it is resistant to the anti-viral drug. A well documented example of this is when the drug company "Flaming Dragon" created an antiviral drug in [[1987]] which banned teaching the Book how to make Ice. This selective pressure led to a new resistant strain of the faith virus called ''intelligent design''. A recent development by the drug company "The Nuns" has overcome this strain in [[2006]]. It is only a matter of time before a new resistant strain emerges. The leading researcher in the field of overcoming the virus of faith is ''Cheif. Watches you pee'' from the University of the study and use of boobies and cocktails (also known as the University of Hot Knockers); he created a mild anti-religious anti-viral program. A more effective software package was developed by [[Christopher Hitchens|Christopher flip off the smartarse Hitchens.]]

[[Image:Spyware 2.png|thumb|300px|Example of anti-religious viral software. Compatible with human brain version 6.0.]]
[[Unitarian Universalism]] is sometimes suggested as a cure, but some would argue that it is simply a weakened version of the same virus that inoculates against the more extreme strains, resulting in less troubling symptoms, such as [[Agnosticism]].

Normal Religious affliction can often be treated with simple exposure to [[pornography]], fast application of [[booze | spirited liquors]], smoking or ingesting [[cannabis]], meeting a scientist or visiting a psychologist. In fact, Because of the magical, healing properties associated with [[Water|Beer]], a cult very similar to a religion has emerged to celebrate and promote this wonderful drink. However, as alcohol is perfectly wonderful, and as drunkenness a doctor-recommended state of existence for all humans, worshippers of beer are tolerated, and in some cases supported by the state. Because beer is such a remarkable cure for Religion, people infected with religion instinctively seek to destroy its consumption at all turns. As such, another useful test for determining how severely affected someone is by Religion, is their willingness to ingest this remarkable substance.

The only harm related to consumption of [[beer]] has generally come from those seeking to destroy it. (''See also'' [[Beer#Religion|''Beer in religion'']])

[[Image:Mindware.jpg|thumb|left|400px|For those in need of serious help, there is a more powerful version out there.]]

Those suffering from S.T.I are nearly untreatable however, and may soon lapse into complete intractable boorishness. Some Fundamentalists may be cured by extreme exposure to both [[science]] and [[logic]] but most Fundamentalists stubbornly resist treatment. Because of the [[violence]] and [[anti-social]] behaviour associated with Fundamentalism-induced religious affliction, these sad souls must be isolated from the normal population at great cost to [[society]].

Due to unsafe sexual practices and a lack of limits on childbearing, religion is currently pandemic, affecting millions of people on every major [[continent]]. In fact, some nations are so infected by religion that it is now impossible for anyone not tragically infected to achieve political office or even influence over educational policy. Such nations are increasingly considered to be dangerous to friend and foe alike. (See also [[America|The USA]].)

The [[United Nations]] is currently experimenting with a massive education and treatment program designed to minimize the negative effects of religion. However, because several of the world's most powerful nations are dominated by the afflicted, this program has so far met with little success. Meanwhile, most esteemed intellectuals have become convinced that only [[Death Metal]] can save us now. Fundamentalists are aware of the power of Death Metal and are actively trying to counter that with the warped music known as Contemporary Christian Radio.

== Religious Apologetics ==

Apologists attempt to demonstrate the tenets of their faith with rigorous arguments. As such, religious apologists greatly hamper the efforts of those who seek to exorcise society's demon of religion.

One of the most famous arguments for the existence of an omnipotent God is the ontological argument. Its reasoning goes something like this:
# God is, by definition, a being greater than which nothing can be conceived (imagined).
# Existence in reality is greater than existence in the mind.
# God must exist in reality; if God did not, then God would not be that than which nothing greater can be conceived (imagined).

This argument can be countered by similar reasoning, however:
# The creation of the world is the most marvellous achievement imaginable.
# The merit of an achievement is the product of (a) its intrinsic quality, and (b) the ability of its creator.
# The greater the disability (or handicap) of the creator, the more impressive the achievement.
# The most formidable handicap for a creator would be non-existence.
# Therefore if we suppose that the universe is the product of an existent creator we can conceive a greater being — namely, one who created everything while not existing.
# Therefore, God does not exist.

== Christianity and Science ==
For many years there have been sceptical peoples that claim many miracles that Jesus performed can be done by David Blane and Chris Angel, such as walking on water. Now, a session was held with the Pope and the Head Science Chief Of All That Is Sciency and decided to compromise.

Religion: Jesus came back from the dead.

Science: Similar scenario depicted in hit Japanese television show Dragonball Z.

Christianity: Jesus can fly.

Science: Criss Angel can fly.

Compromise: Criss Angel must be Jesus.

Chuck Norris could kill God and Jesus

Truth: Criss Angel is Uber Jesus.

Christianity: Jesus walked on water. Alleluia, it's a miracle.

Science: Criss Angel walks on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Tidbit: Lizards walk on water, what's so great about Jesus?

Compromise: Criss Angel must be lizard Jesus.

Truth: Criss Angel (Raptor Jesus) is a lizard.

Christianity: Jesus fed a whole crowd on 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish.

Science: McDonalds, enough said.

Compromise: Mr T is black Jesus.

Mr T: I ain't no Jesus! I pity the fool who calls me Jesus!

Truth: Jesus is Mr T's Bitch who abused the awesomeness of Mr T.

Morality: We should all be worshipping Mr T instead of that noob Jesus.

Religion: Jesus turned water into wine.

Science: Kool-Aid can turn water into punch.

Compromise: The Kool-Aid man ripped off Jesus.

Truth: Kool-Aid man is really Satan.

Morality: don't drink the Kool-Aid handed out in Jonestown, it's spiked with religious rhetoric from Jesus' fan club! Even Jesus cannot stand those lamers!

Religion: Jesus healed people.

Science: So do doctors...

Religion: Jesus was a baller.

Science: No, he never existed.

Compromise: From Tuesday to Thursday, Jesus wears a Rolex and drives a Lexus. From Friday to Monday, Jesus was never here, OK?

==The ReliRelic Community ==

Not long after the introduction of Tha Intarweb, the underground community of relic collectors and traders utilized this new medium to form one of the most active communities online today outnumbering the ''bodyparts_of_Oscar_Wilde_or_Kermit_the_frog'' collectors community by a factor of 3 left thumbs.
Common articles traded within the group are Pieces-of-vinger, Blood with weird properties, ribs and various pieces of clothing and personal belongings.

Famous trades:

* Both of Joseph's left hands were traded in [[1992]] for one foot (damaged) that belonged to [[Moses|Jesus]]
* The staff that belonged to [[Jesus|Moses]] was swapped for 10,000 copies of [[Da Vinci Code|''The Da Vinci Code'']] ( with some Asian boat captain )
* Half of Oscar Wilde's holy men finger bone collection was traded for a very stiff drink

The most sought after pieces include:

* Mary Magdalene Contraception recipes from the [[Nazareth]] drugstore
* Politico/religious satire sketches drawn by famous [[Muslim]] prophets
* Parts of Saint Peter's Roman commando battle suit
* Any arm that belonged to [[Kali]] the [[gOD]] of Tang and other soluble beverages.
* 8 Track recordings of the VOICE OF [[gOD]]

Tips for beginning religious relic collectors:

* Building a collection can be slow. Start with easy items like pieces of Popes ( there are plenty to go around )
* For fleshy relics you need proper storage. Start out with solid items that do not rot ( at least not too much )
* Beware of fakes. There are enough splinters from the cross of [[Jesus]] around to build 14 [[Noah|Noah's Arks]]
* Remember - the most valuable or desirable relics are not always the most expensive. Don't get tricked into buying a penguin corpse just because it's the most expensive item to supposedly touch [[Jesus]].

Famous relic traders:

* [[Bill Gates]], Known to wear a clip-on beard made from [[gOD]]s beard hair ( the shaving date unknown ).
* [[Oscar Wilde]], Still the biggest collection of holy men's fingerbones.
* [[Tom Cruise]], Obsessed by holy men leisure [[sofa]]s ( claimed to own a couch owned by [[King David]] )
* [[Catholic Church]], Everything including Abraham's kitchen sink

==Religious Groups==
Religious groups each have their own thoughts about shit.
*[[Taoism]]: Shit happens.
*[[Hinduism]]: This shit happened before.
*[[Islam]]: If shit happens, take a hostage.
*[[Buddhism]]: When shit happens, is it really shit?
*[[Seventh Day Adventist Church]]: Shit happens on Saturday.
*[[Protestantism]]: Shit won't happen if I work harder.
*[[Catholicism]]: If shit happens, I deserve it.
*[[Jeohovas witness|Jeohova's Witnesses]]: ''*Knock* *knock*'' "Who's there?" "''Shit happens!''"
*[[Judaism]]: Why does shit always happen to me?
*[[Hare Krishna]]: Shit happens rama rama ding dong.
*[[Atheism]]: No shit.
*[[TV Evangelism]]: Send more shit.
*[[Rastafarianism]]: Let's smoke this shit!
*[[The Wiki Religion]][http://www.thewikireligion.com]: Hey I just made that shit up!

Other Groups:
*[[Capitalism]]
*[[Christianity]]
*[[Scientamish]]
*[[Mormon|Latter-Day Saints]]
*[[Ludism]]
*[[Matrixism]]
*[[Terrorism]]
*[[Comcast]]
*[[Emos]]
*[[Wohnzimmer]]
*[[Wicca]]
*[[Boristany]]
*[[growlongs]]
*[[n00bz]]
*[[Bonerism]]
*[[Minkey]]ism
*[http://www.dogchurch.org/index.shtml Virtual Church of the Blind Chihuahua]
*[[Environmentalists|environmentalist nutjobs]]
*[http://singlesunion.info/creed.htm Singles Union]
*[[Nintendo]]
*[[Rosalinaism]]
*[[Pieism]]

==Religion of Uncyclopedia==
The official Religion of Uncyclopedia is the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This is the letter to the Kansas Schools about the religion.

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artefact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artefact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

==See also==
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*[[Genocide]]
*[[Stupidity]]
*[[War]]
*[[Violence]]
*[[Suffering]]
*[[Sexism]]
*[[Racism]]
*[[Fiction]]
*[[Mythology]]
*[[Religon]]

==External links==
*[http://www.fadetoblack.com/consumerreport/religion/ Consumer Report: What Religion is the Best ?]
*[http://www.bidstrup.com/virus.htm More information about mind viruses (memes) and religion]

[[Category:Religion]] [[Category:Scams]] [[Category:Mythology]] [[Category:Atheism]] [[Category:Fiction]][[category:Things Retards Believe]]

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