Golf

2008-03-03T15:28:58Z

Liuzhou:

'''Golf''' is a [[sport]] invented by the Chinese. As is generally acknowledged, every invention known to man, and many known only to woman, comes from China. From the beginning of the universe, (mistakenly translated as the “Big Bang” due to some half-deaf idiot mishearing 冰棒 (Bing Bang), which in ancient Chinese indicated the two terrestrial poles and so, by association, our planet Earth, centre of the universe) everything worth having was invented by the Chinese. Everything not worth having was invented by the Japanese.

In particular, every sport known to man (and the Mrs) originated in China. Take cricket, for example. Clearly, any game which takes several days to complete and after which few people know who won must have its origin in the usual Chinese card game which people play for days on train trips. An alternative theory is that it comes from the average Chinese meeting which can last for days and at the end no one can remember what happened. Usually because nothing happened.

Clearly, only the Chinese could have come up with the idea of thumping a ball with a stick. Golf was, in fact, actually invented when some resident of the Middle Kingdom took it upon himself to clear his basement of rats by battering them with a stick. The rats, being sensible chaps, ran into holes.

“Stone me!” said aforementioned chappie, “That would make a good game!”

He then wrote a book explaining the rules (after inventing paper, books and a system of writing which uses pictures of badly drawn television aerials).

An explorer (did you know the Chinese invented exploring?) took a copy of this book and went sailing down the Yellow River, got caught up in a storm and accidentally ended up off the east coast of Scotland, as you do.

Having landed safely (due to the excellent stability of that Chinese invention, the boat) he wandered up to the ancient St Andrew’s University (founded 1413, in the Ming Dynasty) and presented them with a copy of his opus, which had survived the hazards of the journey and the sea by being securely wrapped up in a heavy duty plastic bag sealed with duct tape, both of which the Chinese had fortunately invented the previous week.

Luckily, the book was written in the local St. Andrews dialect (which was a variation on Putonghua invented just weeks before the Chinese invented English) so everyone understood it immediately. Within days, the entire town was playing 高尔夫, which was anglicized as “golf”.

Having introduced the world (or a tiny village on the east coast of Scotland (or Sugarland as it was then known) to the delights of screwing up a good walk in the countryside, the intrepid traveler went into the catering business and invented the haggis and the Scottish style Chinese restaurant (specializing in newly invented dishes completely unrecognizable to the average China man (or woman).)"

== See also ==

*[[Lorena Ochoa]]

[[category:sports]]

Haggis

2008-03-03T15:20:50Z

Liuzhou:

'''Haggis''' is a traditional [[Scotland|Scottish]] dish. It is made with various ingredients including the [[sheep]]’s [[liver]], [[heart]] and [[lung]]s, seasoned, and mixed with [[oats]], a [[cereal]] which Dr Johnson memorably described in his [[Dictionary]] as "a [[grain]], which in [[England]] is generally given to [[horse]]s, but in [[Scotland]] supports the people." The ingredients are cooked for about an hour in the sheep’s [[stomach]]. Portions of haggis are also frequently coated in batter, [[deep fry|deep fried]] and served at [[chip shop]]s.

Scots like to tease tourists with the suggestion that a haggis is a small Scottish animal whose unique feature is having two legs shorter on one side of their body so that they can run round mountains. Unfortunately, the male and female haggises have the shorter legs in opposite sides so they go round in opposite directions. Don't be fooled.

The haggis has become an exalted component of [[Robert Burns|Burns]] Night, held in honour of Scotland's national poet and celebrated on January 25th, Burns' birthday. "Burns' Suppers" are held where the highlight of the evening is usually a recitation of the poem ''[[Address to a Haggis]]''. Haggis is then consumed with mashed potatoes and mashed swedes (turnips or 'neeps') accompanied by [[whisky]].

==External Links==
Many more recipes can be found below.
http://www.smart.net/~tak/haggis.html

==References==
<references/>

[[Category:Meat]]
[[Category:Scottish Cuisine]]

Conservapedia - User contributions [en]

Golf

Haggis