Conservapedia - User contributions [en]

Conservative jokes

2018-11-19T23:47:34Z

Trollingboy: /* Conservative Jokes */

Welcome to the Conservative Jokes page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many the original work of Conservapedia editors.<ref>Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.</ref> Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page.

==Conservative Jokes==
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny?

Answer: they're not offensive to their fi fis
----
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me!

me: joke's on you. i only need one.
----
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism?

:like progressives and regressives were the same thing.
----
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic?

:When he saw his parents putting the coal in his stocking.
----
Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered?

:Germany.
----
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree?

:They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']].
----
What's the only creationist question an evolutionist hasn't answered?

:"why are creationists not dead off their ignorance?"
----
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous?

:background radiation.
----
How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

:Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. you know, about shit like evolution or MLK being a socialist.
----
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song?

:"HAHA I PEE PEE WITH MY WEE WEE"<ref>m°↓https://genius.com/Kevinbo202-already-over-part-2-annotated</ref>
----
How can we stop global warming?

:by not being blind
----
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack?

:Isaac Fig Newton. because christians are demons if they care about science.
----
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref>

:You let Putin eat your lunch all day.
----
What do you call a basement full of liberals?

:A science club.<ref name="ijr" />
----
Today, it was so cold, I saw a conservative with his hands in his own pockets.
----
I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[Conservative|snowflakes]] will melt in the politically incorrect heat!
----
What is [[Ted Cruz]]'s favorite breakfast cereal?

:Subtle Trix.
----
And his favorite Everly Brothers song?

:"All I Have to Do is Scheme,"
:(I'll make the country mine / blur the legal line / every time, to get my way / only trouble is, gee whiz / I'm throwing my afterlife away...)
----
What's a conservative's favorite shape?

:A flat head.
----
What do you call a conservative accountant?

:Ann Bean-Coulter.
----
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country?

:because you're giving wayyyyyy too much attention to the shitty ones.
----
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion?

:actually trying.

But how do the Christians do it?

:they're pigs if they like science.<ref>The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."</ref>
----
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth?

:Give the aliens legal status as citizens.
----
People in Communist groups are so lazy.

:How lazy are they?

They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. because liberal = Communist
----
How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed?

:from a giant explosion.
----
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists?

:The Grand old party.
----
What did the conservative parents name their sons?

:Christian and Hunter.
----
What do [[environmentalist]]s do when they finally put an end to [[hunting]] and [[fishing]]?

:They wake up.
----
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal?

:they don't because they're a bunch of cowards.
----
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election?

:they found she rigged the primaries against bernie.
----
What causes road rage among liberals?

:When the street light doesn't go green.
----
What is the difference between George Bush and a vampire?

:Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking.
----
Guns make liberals triggered, unlike me. a creationist homophobic science denying genius.
----
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals?

:Because hunter avallone doesn't exist
----
What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal?

:A [[RINO]].
----
What do dumbasses and iPhones have in common?

:If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost.
----
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes?

:cigarretes don't have amazing brains.
----
What do liberals and businesses have in common?

:They're both helping the economy.
----
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Bernie.
Bernie who?
Bernie got fucked by the corporatist left!
----
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irate.
Irate who?
Irate this shitty site a zero out of ten!

==Wikipedia's Slogan==
Far off in the year 2021, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas:

*Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true
*Wikipedia, free the encyclopedia
*Wikipedia: I know you think too, but we think better than you

==Where Laboratory Funding Comes From==
A congressman wondered if a genetics testing laboratory was worth funding, so he went to the lab, where they recognized him immediately as a leading Democrat with influence over several votes in the House. They greeted him, and he asked them, in words he imagined to be deceiving and sagacious, "If I gave you a sample of my DNA, what could you do with it?"

"We could insert other genes into it," suggested a scientist.

"So you could give me dinosaur traits, like in ''Jurassic Park''?"

"No, only if you were still made of stem cells. But we could glean all of your traits from the information," he diverted.

"Except gender; that's indeterminate," a PR scientist added hastily.

"Very well," he smiled, prepared to prove them lying, "Here's a hair sample. Prove it."

They took the hair sample and told him they needed to use the PCR machine and run some tests, but they'd be back in a few months.

"Oh, no - don't try that. What can you tell me ''now''?"

The scientist shrewdly placed the hair in the PCR machine.

"Hmmm...our machines tell us that you are about 5'11", 44 years old, brown hair, brown eyes, 78% Caucasian, not that it matters, in good health, heartbeat 120 beats per minute, blood pressure 100/70, adroit in political matters, a keen athlete, good reaction time, with an aptitude for science ... is that true?"

"It ''is''," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab."

==Conservative Riddles and Puzzles==
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal?

:brain juice, liberals earn their smarts.
----
If a christian sins enough ... is he still a christian?
----
A book never written ... ''i am normal'' by Gary Busey.
----
Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis(fair enough)
----
Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah

==The [[NEA]]==
In a conference room, one teacher is spreading flour and sugar on the chairs, along with some water, beaten eggs, and a hint of vanilla extract. Alarmed, the custodian asks, "What are you doing?" 
"Simple," she replied, "You know how the NEA is going to be using this room later? That's when I'm going to turn up the thermostat." 
"What? Why?" he demands. 
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies."

==References==
Use these to add notes and references.
{{reflist}}

==See also==
*[[Conservative humor and satire resources]]
*[[Conservative parables]]

==External links==
*[https://townhall.com/political-cartoons/ Townhall Political Cartoons]
*[http://mallardfillmore.com/ Mallard Fillmore Syndicated Cartoons]

[[Category:Humor]]
[[Category:Conservative]]

Conservative jokes

2018-11-19T23:43:44Z

Trollingboy:

Welcome to the Conservative Jokes page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many the original work of Conservapedia editors.<ref>Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.</ref> Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page.

==Conservative Jokes==
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny?

Answer: they're not offensive to their fi fis
----
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me!

Conservapedia admin: Like I've never seen a pair of socks before.
----
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism?

:like progressives and regressives were the same thing.
----
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic?

:When he saw his parents putting the coal in his stocking.
----
Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered?

:Germany.
----
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree?

:They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']].
----
What's the only creationist question an evolutionist hasn't answered?

:"why are creationists not dead off their ignorance?"
----
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous?

:background radiation.
----
How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb?

:Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. you know, about shit like evolution or MLK being a socialist.
----
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song?

:"HAHA I PEE PEE WITH MY WEE WEE"<ref>m°↓https://genius.com/Kevinbo202-already-over-part-2-annotated</ref>
----
How can we stop global warming?

:by not being blind
----
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack?

:Isaac Fig Newton. because christians are demons if they care about science.
----
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref>

:You let Putin eat your lunch all day.
----
What do you call a basement full of liberals?

:A science club.<ref name="ijr" />
----
Today, it was so cold, I saw a conservative with his hands in his own pockets.
----
I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[Conservative|snowflakes]] will melt in the politically incorrect heat!
----
What is [[Ted Cruz]]'s favorite breakfast cereal?

:Subtle Trix.
----
And his favorite Everly Brothers song?

:"All I Have to Do is Scheme,"
:(I'll make the country mine / blur the legal line / every time, to get my way / only trouble is, gee whiz / I'm throwing my afterlife away...)
----
What's a conservative's favorite shape?

:A flat head.
----
What do you call a conservative accountant?

:Ann Bean-Coulter.
----
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country?

:because you're giving wayyyyyy too much attention to the shitty ones.
----
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion?

:actually trying.

But how do the Christians do it?

:they're pigs if they like science.<ref>The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."</ref>
----
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth?

:Give the aliens legal status as citizens.
----
People in Communist groups are so lazy.

:How lazy are they?

They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. because liberal = Communist
----
How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed?

:from a giant explosion.
----
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists?

:The Grand old party.
----
What did the conservative parents name their sons?

:Christian and Hunter.
----
What do [[environmentalist]]s do when they finally put an end to [[hunting]] and [[fishing]]?

:They wake up.
----
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal?

:they don't because they're a bunch of cowards.
----
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election?

:they found she rigged the primaries against bernie.
----
What causes road rage among liberals?

:When the street light doesn't go green.
----
What is the difference between George Bush and a vampire?

:Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking.
----
Guns make liberals triggered, unlike me. a creationist homophobic science denying genius.
----
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals?

:Because hunter avallone doesn't exist
----
What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal?

:A [[RINO]].
----
What do dumbasses and iPhones have in common?

:If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost.
----
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes?

:cigarretes don't have amazing brains.
----
What do liberals and businesses have in common?

:They're both helping the economy.
----
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Bernie.
Bernie who?
Bernie got fucked by the corporatist left!
----
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Irate.
Irate who?
Irate this shitty site a zero out of ten!

==Wikipedia's Slogan==
Far off in the year 2021, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas:

*Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true
*Wikipedia, free the encyclopedia
*Wikipedia: I know you think too, but we think better than you

==Where Laboratory Funding Comes From==
A congressman wondered if a genetics testing laboratory was worth funding, so he went to the lab, where they recognized him immediately as a leading Democrat with influence over several votes in the House. They greeted him, and he asked them, in words he imagined to be deceiving and sagacious, "If I gave you a sample of my DNA, what could you do with it?"

"We could insert other genes into it," suggested a scientist.

"So you could give me dinosaur traits, like in ''Jurassic Park''?"

"No, only if you were still made of stem cells. But we could glean all of your traits from the information," he diverted.

"Except gender; that's indeterminate," a PR scientist added hastily.

"Very well," he smiled, prepared to prove them lying, "Here's a hair sample. Prove it."

They took the hair sample and told him they needed to use the PCR machine and run some tests, but they'd be back in a few months.

"Oh, no - don't try that. What can you tell me ''now''?"

The scientist shrewdly placed the hair in the PCR machine.

"Hmmm...our machines tell us that you are about 5'11", 44 years old, brown hair, brown eyes, 78% Caucasian, not that it matters, in good health, heartbeat 120 beats per minute, blood pressure 100/70, adroit in political matters, a keen athlete, good reaction time, with an aptitude for science ... is that true?"

"It ''is''," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab."

==Conservative Riddles and Puzzles==
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal?

:brain juice, liberals earn their smarts.
----
If a christian sins enough ... is he still a christian?
----
A book never written ... ''i am normal'' by Gary Busey.
----
Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis(fair enough)
----
Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah

==The [[NEA]]==
In a conference room, one teacher is spreading flour and sugar on the chairs, along with some water, beaten eggs, and a hint of vanilla extract. Alarmed, the custodian asks, "What are you doing?" 
"Simple," she replied, "You know how the NEA is going to be using this room later? That's when I'm going to turn up the thermostat." 
"What? Why?" he demands. 
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies."

==References==
Use these to add notes and references.
{{reflist}}

==See also==
*[[Conservative humor and satire resources]]
*[[Conservative parables]]

==External links==
*[https://townhall.com/political-cartoons/ Townhall Political Cartoons]
*[http://mallardfillmore.com/ Mallard Fillmore Syndicated Cartoons]

[[Category:Humor]]
[[Category:Conservative]]