Difference between revisions of "Heterosexuality"

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'''Heterosexuality''' is the natural way that human beings and most animals reproduce. It involves union between two members of the opposite gender. Some less complex animals such as worms have both sex organs and can reproduce apart from having a partner.
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[[Image:Heterosexual.jpg|right|thumb|According to a [http://images.google.com/images?safe=off&q=heterosexual Google Image Search], this is what the ever-elusive anti-heterosexual man looks like.]]
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A heterosexual is a male who is not afraid to [[sex|boink non-furry, non-fat, non-feminist women]], or a woman who is not too stupid to reject said man's advances (resulting in [[asking for it|rape]]. But that's OK, because rape is always funny. It is the prided trademark of the heterosexual male. It is much better than becoming a [[gay|waste of space]].  
  
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Heterosexual attraction is natural; that is, men for women, and women for men.
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==How to Identify Heterosexuals==
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[[Image:Breeders.jpg|right|thumb|Heteros?  With hair like that?  [[Bitch, please]].]]
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Males:
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*A badass Simian swagger
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*Affection for sports and manufactured beer (not pussy-ass wine)
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*When drunk, sexually harasses females.
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*Can identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
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*If all else fails, stick a [[cock]] [[in the ass|in his ass]].  If he kills you, he's probably a heterosexual.
  
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== Biblical Quotations  ==
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Females:
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*Cry a lot
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*Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
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*Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
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*Unable to identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
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*Get [[almost raped]] a lot
  
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=== [[Old Testament]] ===
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==Encounters with Heterosexuals==
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[[Image:I don't drink with heterosexuals.jpg|right|thumb|Don't drink in mixed company]]
  
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:"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that ''is'' thy neighbour's." (Exodus 20:17)
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#Should you encounter a heterosexual male in its natural habitat:
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#Don't do anything. Unless you are a heterosexual woman, in which case, a prompt gift of head-giving or surrender to surprise sex would be the most honorable action taken.<br><br>
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#Should you encounter a heterosexual on [[LiveJournal]]:
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#*Pinch yourself
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#*You should wake up promptly
  
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:"And if a man '''sell his daughter''' to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do. If she please not her master, who hath betrothed her to himself, then shall he let her be redeemed: to sell her unto a strange nation he shall have no power, seeing he hath dealt deceitfully with her. And if he have betrothed her unto his son, he shall deal with her after the manner of daughters. If he take him another ''wife''; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish." (Exodus 21:7-10)
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==Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")==
  
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:"And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money according to the dowry of virgins." (Exodus 22:16-17)
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[[image:Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.png|thumb|CHB keeping it reals]]
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===Interactions with Female Heterosexuals===
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*[[Fag]]s: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things hip (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason).  For this reason, heterosexual women may ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them&mdash;or worst of all, teach them to [[fellatio|smoke a pole]]. '''No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests'''.  As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think.  As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course.
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*[[Dyke]]s: Heterosexual females will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of all [[cock]]bearers. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application.  Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgiveable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival.  Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota.
  
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:"And whosoever lieth carnally with a woman, that ''is'' a bondmaid, betrothed to an husband, and not at all redeemed, nor freedom given her; she shall be scourged; they shall not be put to death, because she was not free." (Leviticus 19:20)
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===Interactions with Male Heterosexuals===
  
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:"If a man find a damsel ''that is'' a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty ''shekels'' of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." (Deuteronomy 22:28-29)
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*[[Fag]]s: Heterosexual males are all probably secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer.  Gay men should remember this at all times and flirt with them shamelessly.  Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available ''every'' ten recruits.
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*[[Dyke]]s: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a threeway with their heterosexual (or possibly [[bi-curious]]) girlfriend.  In response to the former, make shit up&mdash;the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better.  Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the [[pu55y]], such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, [[#Interactions with Female Heterosexuals|see above]]. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were [[almost raped]] and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). rape him [[in the ass]] with a strap on.
  
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=== [[New Testament]] ===
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==Heterosexual Super Powers==
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:"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)
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Heterosexuals also possess the creepy ability to make people out of nothing, a form of black magic [[childfree|some seek to eradicate]] which others believe [[Teenmommies|entitles them to be treated like gods]].
  
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:"''It is'' good for a man not to touch a woman." (1 Corinthians 7:1)
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==List of Heterosexuals==
  
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:"I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting. In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array; But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works. Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. For Adam was first formed, then Eve. And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression. Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety." (1 Timothy 2:8-15)
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* Douglas H.
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* Travis Bickle
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* &nbsp;
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== References ==
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* [[Arnold Schwarzenegger]]?
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<references />
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[[category:biology]]
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Revision as of 02:57, October 7, 2007

File:Heterosexual.jpg
According to a Google Image Search, this is what the ever-elusive anti-heterosexual man looks like.

A heterosexual is a male who is not afraid to boink non-furry, non-fat, non-feminist women, or a woman who is not too stupid to reject said man's advances (resulting in rape. But that's OK, because rape is always funny. It is the prided trademark of the heterosexual male. It is much better than becoming a waste of space.

How to Identify Heterosexuals

File:Breeders.jpg
Heteros? With hair like that? Bitch, please.

Males:

  • A badass Simian swagger
  • Affection for sports and manufactured beer (not pussy-ass wine)
  • When drunk, sexually harasses females.
  • Can identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
  • If all else fails, stick a cock in his ass. If he kills you, he's probably a heterosexual.

Females:

  • Cry a lot
  • Cannot field-strip an assault rifle
  • Cannot name more than three Indigo Girls songs
  • Unable to identify more than two Allied or Axis powers or a type of plane used in WWII.
  • Get almost raped a lot

Encounters with Heterosexuals

File:I don't drink with heterosexuals.jpg
Don't drink in mixed company
  1. Should you encounter a heterosexual male in its natural habitat:
  2. Don't do anything. Unless you are a heterosexual woman, in which case, a prompt gift of head-giving or surrender to surprise sex would be the most honorable action taken.

  3. Should you encounter a heterosexual on LiveJournal:
    • Pinch yourself
    • You should wake up promptly

Interactions with Heterosexuals (aka "Dances with Breeders")

File:Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.png
CHB keeping it reals

Interactions with Female Heterosexuals

  • Fags: Heterosexuals are known for being several months to several years behind the curve on all things hip (particularly those that involve fabric for some reason). For this reason, heterosexual women may ask you to give them makeovers, redecorate their apartments, or go shopping with them—or worst of all, teach them to smoke a pole. No matter what you do, do not give in to their requests. As the saying goes, you can lead a whore to Prada but you can't make her think. As with baby birds fallen from a nest, it's best to let nature take its course.
  • Dykes: Heterosexual females will complain to you about men incessantly, hoping to play on your natural inborn hatred of all cockbearers. This is an excellent opportunity to get them to fill out an application. Start by agreeing that leaving the toilet seat up is an unforgiveable sin (even though you yourself probably pee standing up), then gradually work towards loaning her your Birkenstocks and maybe even taking her to a Womyn's Music Festival. Before you know it, you'll be one step closer to your monthly quota.

Interactions with Male Heterosexuals

  • Fags: Heterosexual males are all probably secretly gay, and dress and groom poorly merely to divert attention from their inner queer. Gay men should remember this at all times and flirt with them shamelessly. Remember: the free $100 Barney's gift certificate is available every ten recruits.
  • Dykes: Heterosexual men will either ask you exactly what it is you do in bed, or will attempt to involve you in a threeway with their heterosexual (or possibly bi-curious) girlfriend. In response to the former, make shit up—the more physiologically or morally unlikely, the better. Bonus points for including any sort of complex mechanical or electrical apparatus that does not belong in the pu55y, such as in-ground garden sprinkler systems. For the latter, see above. If you come to the man's house and you find out his bi-curious girlfriend doesn't actually exist and this was all a lie to have sex with you, you can do two things. A). Pretend you were almost raped and bitch about it on Livejournal or B). rape him in the ass with a strap on.

Heterosexual Super Powers

Heterosexuals also possess the creepy ability to make people out of nothing, a form of black magic some seek to eradicate which others believe entitles them to be treated like gods.

List of Heterosexuals

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