Heaven
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| Official languages | Every language on Earth | |
| Capital | Virtue's Acropolis | |
| Ruler | God II | |
| Established | In the beginning | |
| Currency | "Love"
"Peanuts" | |
| Hours of operation | Before, during, after, above, and beyond time | |
| National anthem | "Peanut Butter Jelly Time" | |
| Mascot | Jesus | |
| National sport | Floating | |
| Official national food | Philadelphia Cream Cheese | |
“In heaven there is no beer...that's why we drink ours here.”
Heaven is really just the sky, but it often refers to a tropical country behind the Orion Nebula that's too bright to see. Heaven is home to approximately 6,078 beings. 45.7% of the population is angels, 34.4% dogs (all dogs go there), 19.9% seraphim (.1% being Sephiroth), 2.0% Unitarians, and .016% Supreme Beings. People are normally brought by the Angel of Death, who is currently on an indefinite leave of absense. Applications are being accepted to fill the post as a backlog is building up of those who "have it coming to them".
Politically, Heaven has been allied with the nation of Israel, Ireland, and the Catholic Church, but recently Heaven has broken off communications with all political bodies and is in a state of isolationism similar to Switzerland's. In addition, it is now confirmed that last spot in heaven has been taken, and its borders have been closed for an indefinite period of time. However, God is planning to use his almighty powers to make heaven big enough for everyone that ever lived. At that point limited admissions will be made on a cases by case basis to the extra worthy only, or those who know the doorman. It is an enemy of Hell (population 67,594,941,662,544 as of noon EST, February 19, 2008).
As well as the main religious heaven there is also the Atheist Heaven of which the actual population is around 9 million but the official population is 0, as no one who lives there actually believes that they still exist, there for, they would eventually turn to dust.
Geography and Climate
Located in a unplotted, secluded valley some place that looks like the eastern Alps, Heaven is approximately the size of 17 football fields all covered in dirt. The soil is rich in vitamin Alpha-Omega and the temperature ranges from 15-1,743,928 degrees depending on how bright the light of God is. This ideal climate is perfect for growing your own Garden of Eden (which is in fact already in heaven).
An abundant food source is the Tree of Life from which the Forbidden Fruit grows. The Forbidden Fruit, being the flavor of Starburst, proves that Starbursts were created by God, not by slave angels or heck-ians as previously believed.
Here's a rundown on heaven's famous spots. These were actually created before the abominations in hell were ever conceive. Because Satan has strong jealousy issues, he created the counterparts to this places as soon as he was forced to plummet into the depths of hell:
- Skittles River (opposed to Limbo)- it is the most beautiful river as it is rainbow-colored and perfectly drinkable. It is strange that no ants dwell here despite its high sugar content, and diabetics can partake of its delicious waters, for they are not allowed to eat of the forbidden fruit in the communal orchards
- Virtue's Acropolis (opposed to Sin City)- the capital of heaven, known for its technology that exceeds all things comprehensible by all collective intelligences of the universe. God's throne and He himself are both here.
- Chastity Canyon (opposed to Lust Lane)- how about a little (actually humongous) reward for those poor saps with frigidity issues, or those who decided to stay chaste as earthlings are just so repulsive? This canyon should really be more appropriately titled as the Hottie Haven.
- Temperance Tower (opposed to Gluttony Grove)- resembles the Leaning Tower of Pizza in several ways, as the chefs here cook the best pizzas that appeal to all tastes. those who have decided to be vegans or eat little back on earth can feast eternally, and eat whatever it is they haven't eaten back on earth due to fasting
- Charity Canyon (opposed to Avarice Avenue)- another great canyon beside the Chastity Canyon, where you receive gifts every single day as tribute to your unmaterialistic lifestyle back on earth. Whatever material pleasure it is you missed out on in earth, you shall enjoy here. You get everything here for free, so you never have to steal again
- Peace Plains (opposed to Wrath Wellspring)- hippies abound in this place
- Diligence Dale (opposed to Sloth Stateside)- you have worked hard in your days, and your reward is an eternal stay in this 5-star spa where you never have to work hard again
- Humility Harbor (opposed to Pride Park)- a beautiful harbor where you relive that time when you were exalted. If you never had that moment, oh, you will live like a king here after you have humbled yourself back in the days.
- Kindness Kame (opposed to Envy's Esquinita)- the rich kid back you try so hard not to envy in those days kindly shares with you his/her expensive stuff as reward for at least trying not to envy the person.
- Garden of Eden (opposed to Styx)- food a-plenty, and just like in Hell's Pride Park, everyone is naked, but people don't get embarrassed from such. In fact, they love it that way. In this garden are unicorns, Phoenix, the breathmint-breathing dragon, and other majestic creatures.
- Olympus Coliseum (opposed to the Heretic Sports Complex)- not really a sports complex. It is actually a high-tech lab where you can just sit down and fine-tune your body's figure without draining yourself of your energy in boring exercise. But if you want real sports, you can swim in the waters of Beimeni (pool of youth), jog in the golden paths of El Dorado, or spar with the hot Valkyries in Valhalla, or get to master the esoteric Camelot martial arts with hottie King Arthur as your guru.
- Wonderland (opposed to Fraudland)-a fascinating zoo where you get to meet extinct animals for real (don't worry for the dinosaurs and all the others have been tamed). It's like getting in the movie Ice Age for real as it is also pretty cold here. As the heaven population is pacifist, there is a fun arcade game here where you can see a simulation of whoever has made your life miserable on earth and torment them. The more distorted the simulation is, the more points you score. Huzzah! And you don't hurt a single thing.
- Lake Cocytus (seemingly opposed to a similarly named place)- really. It is only one place in both heaven and hell. It is a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round. It is also a mysterious portal between heaven and hell, so that heaven's citizens can check out hell at least- also to make the citizens in hell suffer as they realize that they will never be with the person, as all people in heaven are gorgeous despite the fact that majority of them looked repulsive back in the days. The annual heaven v.s. hell hockey and ice skating games are also held here.
Another great thing about Heaven is that anyone who is currently living in Heaven will be granted amazing and completely random super powers, like the ability to shoot blood out of the eyes, listen to other peoples conversations from afar or twisting their own halos into various shapes and sizes.
Recently, to provide clarity about conditions of Heaven, God published "What you can expect in Heaven". Due to the scarcity of video games provided, sinful behavior has gone up.
Government
Heaven was originally ruled by God (Noel Coward), but since AC 43 He has been reluctant to attend to the duties of the position. He is currently looking for a successor. The successor was originally thought to be Eric Clapton, but since the late 1970's this opinion has been debunked. Recently, Rob Patterson, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, and, among the ladies, Oprah Winfrey and Dame Flora Robson, have announced their interest in the position, however, none of these candidates is expected to obtain enough popular support to beat the current poll leader, Eddie Fisher.
Currently Heaven is in a state of anarchy. Contrary to popular belief, the place is not absolutely perfect. Those who reside there get bored fairly quickly with the severely controlled design aesthetics and building codes (as well as the ubiquitous, non-stop muzak proclaiming "It's a Small World After All"), and the question of free will is still hotly debated there, making it difficult to ascertain just who's making decisions for whom. After The Lord God Yahweh entered semi-retirement, the population found it could do whatever the hell it wanted, which is pretty sweet. However, raping, marauding and random beatings of white people have recently become rampant, and this has led to calls for the reintroduction of Black Man's Heaven, to be located far away from White Man's Heaven. Heavenly white progressives, who had made some kind of deal with some supreme being to avoid the consignment to Hell which is their due, have protested the concept of two separate Heavens because Cab Calloway is so hot (and cool) and they want to keep him around (his Minnie the Moocher still thrills), but conservatives have countered that when it comes to entertainers, the existence of Sammy Davis Jr. in their midst almost demands a separate realm. Time will tell where this schism will lead.
Economics
Most inhabitants of heaven are retired. As a result, the GDP of heaven is ridiculously low, which is why the streets of Heaven are covered in gold foil. Heaven has a lot of welfare recipients in it.
Without workers, all the stores in heaven are closed. However, if a citizen of Heaven needs something, with a word they can get what they came for. In 1976, Freddie Perren and Keni St.Lewis published a theory, set to verse, that "heaven must be missing an angel" which implied that heaven then had some method of enumerating angels. Since angels are eternal, the purpose of enumerating them must be open to question, if they are numerically constant. The theory therefore implies that the number of angels varies over time. More significantly, it implied some sort of personnel department or accounting system, which suggests that spreadsheets or databases are in regular use. If there is a Personnel Department, presumably renamed 'Eternal Resources' in the 1990s, then this would detract from the infinite pleasantness that is integral to our notion of heaven. This leaves us with two possibilities: either Perren and St.Lewis were fibbing, in which case no administrative records exist and their theory should have read 'heaven could be missing an angel'; or, alternatively, heaven has always outsourced its statistical services to Hell. If the latter is true, then tiresome administrative tasks, including angel migration counts, comprise some of the extremely dull procedures administered by the residents of Hell. Unless evidence emerges that Saint Lewis has been demoted (i.e., is no longer saintly), the call center outsourcing hypothesis should be favoured. The notion that tedious administration occurs in-house is plainly untenable and heretical.
Recently GOD has been moving into prostitution, offering 72 Virgins to all the pious martyrs who slaughter his creations in his name. Sex sells and GOD knows Heaven's no paradise without a bed full o'babes. Rumours about where these virgins are coming from are many, but it is hoped they will increase gross revenue and not place an undue burden on the welfare budget with all their un-baptised children.
In response to the global recession, Vice President Jesus H. Christ has recently proposed the legalization of marijuana in several Heavenly districts. Christ stated, "We've been dead too long without this," and that "a move such as this would lower the overall stress level and create much needed jobs for Heaven's citizens."
In March 2009, St. Peter announced plans for tighter security on golden-gated outposts. The announcement came in response to media frenzy over the surge of illegal Purgatory immigrants.
Social Life and Sports
Most inhabitants of heaven will be living there for eternity, which means that all forms of recreation are very popular. The vast majority of heaven's inhabitants also spend their spare time drinking orange juice directly after brushing their teeth, as heaven is the only known country in the world in which you don't get that horrible taste in your mouth when you do so.
Smiting is the national sport. God has won the annual Smiting Invitational tournament since its inception.
Heaven also fields a soccer team known as the Army of Heaven, which has a 7-4 record this season. Current victories include wins over Satan, France, and the Teletubbies. The Army of Heaven's perpetual rival is Science. Past games include losses for Heaven at Darwin Stadium and Geocentricism Field, but Heaven has won all games held in Kentuckistan. Heaven qualified for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa being drawn with North Korea, Brazil and Ivory Coast. They crashed out in the group stages after Saint Peter's ankle injury in their 2-0 win against North Korea. Moses also played a tiny part following his red card in the first ten minutes of their first match because of 'unsporting behaviour'.
In 2006 Heaven's cricket team, Peter's XI, took on Australia in a Test Match at Lord's. Heaven won the toss and decided to bat. Australia ripped through the line-up, with God and Jesus both going for ducks. Abraham was the only player to provide any resistance, making a sturdy 61. Heaven was dismissed in one day for 74 runs. Australia batted until the next afternoon, making 843 runs for the loss of just 1 wicket, when God got pissed off and smote Matthew Heydon. Australia went on to win by 10 wickets.
There is only NASCAR in heaven; it is said that godless people watch Formula One, IndyCar Racing, American Le Mans Series, and Gran Turismo. Jimmie Johnson won't be racing in Heaven's Infinity 500 because he's girly, gay, and likes Barney. Also, there is no CFL in heaven; only the NFL because the Conservapedians love their Drew Brees and their Tim Tebow.
Emmigration
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Lots of people have been leaving Heaven lately. This might have something to do with the fact that one gets bored after spending all of eternity chatting with nuns, priests, and newborn children who had no chance to sin (except for the Unforgivable Sin # 27: being born. Which makes you wonder why they're in Heaven in the first place. The answer is very simple. Because God said so.). The residents of Heaven who are slightly rebellious in nature will then spend hours staring out their bedroom windows at all the cool people in Hell (including Sigmund Freud, Al Capone, and Mother Theresa), and, after much consideration, will finally decide that it's time to immigrate to Hell.
Then comes the age-old question. If you wanted to return to Heaven (if for some strange, weird, unfathomable reason you decide that Hell is not for you), how would you get there?
Despite common belief, it is not possible to get to Heaven by following the instructions in the Torah, or even Curious George goes to the Zoo. Instead, the research group Led Zeppelin of the School of Rock found that it is possible to buy a Stairway to Heaven by killing the devil and calling Domino's. However, one can always be sure the Bible will lead you there in the end. Maybe. Most likely not, since it has been banned in hell for all eternity.
However, newer reports suggested that Heaven is actually beginning to become overpopulated by cats and overlygross people with large income. In fact, the last spot in Heaven has been taken, sending everyone else to Purgatory or Limbo to wait for a new spot. Several of those who have been waitlisted decided that going to Hell would be much more preferable (have you ever been stuck in a waiting room that long?).
It has been recently reported that the few humans that are in heaven have been resurrected and sent there by God and that some more people were resurrected when Jesus resurrected. All the rest of the dead after the time of Jesus are still in their graves until he returns.
See also
- Afterlife
- Battle of the Pearly Gates
- Compton
- Paradise by the Dashboard Light
- Worst 100 Locations of All Time
- Are you a heretic?
- hell
de:Himmel es:El Cielo fi:Taivas hr:Raj it:Paradiso ja:天国 ko:천국 nl:Hemel pl:Niebo ru:Рай th:สวรรค์ zh:天堂 zh-tw:天堂 el:Παράδεισος
