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Line 1: − + + − + − According to [[biblical literalism]], Men were created by God on the 6th day of [[Creation]], as told in The Book of [[Genesis]]. + − + − The relationship between [[God]] and Men is tumultuous from the start. The first three men written of in [[Genesis]] are [[Adam]], cast from [[Eden]] after eating fruit from the [[Tree of Knowledge]] <ref>http://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/kjv/gen003.htm</ref> and [[Cain]] and his brother and victim [[Abel]], the elder sons of Adam and [[Eve]]. <ref>http://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/kjv/gen004.htm</ref>. + + − + − <references />+ + − + − + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
Corrected comma to semicolon.
'''Men''' is the plural for the male of the [[human]] species.
{{Q|In Soviet Russia, Railway runs YOU!!|Russian reversal|Railways}}
'''Railways''', long believed by many people to have been invented by the [[Romans]] in the year [[3]], has since been found to be not true, as claimed by modern historians. The were invented in one of the scummier areas of the United Kingdom, somewhere near [[Newcastle]] (Geordie Land). Newcastle also has a large [[chav]] population. [[Image:CL31.jpg|thumb|300px|An old(ish) train]]
== Biblical Origins ==
==Early History==
The first [[train]]s were pulled by horses, and excuses such as "We apologise for the delay, the engine has just stopped to go to the toilet" were common. From the beginning trains were delayed, although leaves on the line were not a problem as the horse would just eat them. The trains were considerably more comfortable, if you could afford First Class. Second Class was bearable, and Third Class was basically a coal truck. If you were lucky, they took the coal out first. If you bought a Third Class ticket and found yourself sitting in a wagon that had last been used to carry potatoes, the Guard would charge you extra for sitting in the Buffet Car.
== The Bible on Men ==
They also went more than two hours without a software failure. Early trains ran on MS-DOS.
==British Rail==
In between the Ancient Era and Modern Times, most trains were run by British Railways (British Rail, Brit Rail, or if you are very impatient and stupid, National Rail). British Rail was represented by a double arrow symbol, which represents their trains' unfortunate habit to go both ways at once (see [[Thomas the Tank Engine]]). Most trains 50 years ago were steam powered, but now, most are powered by diesel engines, so pollution is now 400% worse (see [[clag]]). There are three types of carriages made by BR, Mark 1, Mark 2, Mark 3, and Mark 4. Mark 4 are air-conditioned, but about the size of a sardine can. Mark 1-3 are larger, but the doors are not automatic, so pasengers have to open them themselves (see [[capital punishment]] and [[SEHS]]). Trannies on British Rail used to by operated by TOPS system, which meant that all train drivers had to have tops on, but now are operated by Windows Vista, hence the crappy service now.
==References==
==Modern History==
Modern passenger trains are more like the cattle trucks of the early railways, with one notable exception. Carriers of livestock have restrictions on how many animals can be carried in a certain sized vehicle. Passenger train operators have no such restriction. In Japan they employ people to stand at stations and stuff passengers in so they can shut the doors, but in India they just expect you to sit on the roof.
They are hot, stuffy, and most have no air conditioning. Those that do have had the windows welded shut so you can't open them and escape when the air conditioning breaks down. The latest advances in technology have allowed the use of Windows 3.1 in trains. This is less efficient than MS DOS, but it means the Guard can use ALT-TAB to move between carriages.
==Related pages==
Third Class doesn't exist any more on Britain's railways. In a move today's managment consultants would be proud of, they abolished Second Class and later renamed Third Class as the new Second Class, later re-naming it Standard Class.
[[Women]]
Standard Class is normally dirty and full of chavs. The seats are either plastic, or wooden planks. First class is better: The seats are still wooden planks but they are covered in fabric.Only the richer chavs are there, and they already have enough gold to sink the Armada about their person, so
don't feel inclined to mug you.
==Modern Railway Companies==
*'''Central Trains''' Use special [[iPod]]s to control their trains.
[[Image:IPodTrain.jpg|thumb|275px|A Central Trains iPod ]]
*'''[[Worst Great Western]]'''; A large Company with awful trains.
*'''First Transpennine Express''' — A quite big company with OK trains, they serve many [[Chav]] towns.
*'''[[Arriva Trains Wales]]'''; A large Company who know a bargain when they see one, which is why they bought Scotrail's Sprinter trains with seats that fall apart.
[[Image:puffintrain.JPG|thumb|300px|right|in the eyes of a dazed Puffin, a First Scotrail train looks like a fellow Puffin]]
*'''First Scotrail''' — are never ontime, because the train can't leave until it is bang on the departure time, and by the time the train has powered up it is no longer the departure time and the train is late. (Excluding Intermediate stations, where the train has allready left before the arrival time). There is railway line to North Berwick, a place where bird spotters go to see rare birds, on an island half a mile offshore. The birds are often scared by the flashes from the birdspotters' cameras and flee to the railway station (where the Puffins think the trains are other Puffins).
*'''First Capital Connect''' — (AKA FCC) or as the commuters would have you belive F**king Cheating Cu*ts came to being by bribing some people somewhere and telling us they would give us what we wanted and not what they thought we wanted. So they introduced restrictions which meant you had to come back home before you had even left and put pink everywhere beacuase thats what "we" wanted!
*'''GNER''' — lock people in broken down trains with very little water.
*'''Hull Trains''' — own evil Clones of the Vomiter Trains.
*'''Midland Mainline (AKA Midland Misery)''' — also have evil clones of the Vomiters.
*'''One (problem after another)''' — Are unsafe, late and won the SRA "Best Train Company in the UK Award", for the those reasons. Also known as First Great Eastern since all the trains still have that paint job.
*'''Virgin Trains (AKA Vermin Trains)''' — offer anyone who is standing a seat in First Class and then charge them extra for it. Also, if you plan to urinate in thier toilets, when you flush you may get your urine squirted back at you if you are not careful. This has been a problem ever since Windows Vista was installed on the Voyagers. Also beware of drunk passengers who urinate on the seats and then boast to others about it!BEAWARE [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tayH_3ARIWQ|An example of the afore mentioned] BEAWARE!
*'''South West Trains''' — This used to carry people around the South of [[England]], but the service in question is now discontinued. Instead, it serves as a freight line, carrying surplus [[Chav]]s from London to suitable waste disposal sites such as [[Woking]] and [[Basingrad]].
*'''Island Line''' — Probably the only company who runs trains on time, so they'll be sacked very soon.
==Modern trains==
Modern trains consist of several types.
* '''Desastro''' — made fom four large tin cans welded together to resemble something that looks slightly like a train. The air conditioning has two settings: "Off" or "Arctic". If you take a packed lunch you will need to defrost it before eating, and your ice-cream will melt, making a nice mess on the carpet and of your already frozen packed lunch. There is, just to add to your frustration, no buffet on these trains - only the trolley which only comes round on days with the letter z in them, on months only with the letter x in them.
* '''Vomiters''' — of two types, tilting and non-tilting. The only way to tell is to go round a corner at 100mph. If it comes off the track it was a non-tilting type. The tilting type will stay on but the Driver will slow down so he doesn't spill his tea. The air-conditioning on these trains has two settings. "Off" and "Off". The trains soil themselves regularly leading to a weird smell.
*'''Pendodildos''' — these trains are the big brothers of the Vomiters, they can travel at high speeds if their wheels don't crack in the suburbs of Glasgow, these trains have been specially designed, so that when they tilt, the driver does not spill his tea. These trains have two air-conditioning settings. "Freezing" and "Baking".
* '''Intercity 225''' — the only electric train in Britain that is capable of doing more than 2 miles in 25 minutes, in fact as the name suggests, it does 3 miles in 25 minutes, the seats on these trains are planks of wood, only they are so old, the mould on them is fluffy, still, it's better than a Vomiter.
* '''Inter City 125''' — as the name says they are capable of doing 1 mile every 25 minutes, but only downhill, with a following wind, every other Tuesday. These trains do have air-conditioning. They just prefer not to use it. However, they have been replaced by Vermin Trains, with the Vomiters. Worst Great Western have started replacing these with an evil clone of a Vomiter, but with not a lot of success - in fact, the evil clone army of these vomiter like trains are to be withdrawn and sent elsewhere in the galaxy - albeit as Stormtroopers. In fact, passengers who saved the sleeper train to Penzance were almost named the "Campaign for the Users of the Night Train Service" - until it was realised the acronym was better suited to their train operator.
*'''Turdostar''' — Used many lines across the UK, the air conditioning on these trains is different in every cariage, i.e broken, on, and cold. If you take food with you on train, the chances are that it will survive the first hour onboard the train, after an hour it will need to be thrown into a bin and the owner of the food will have to buy the overpriced stuff sold by the guy with the trolley. These trains also have automated Tannoy systems which will tell you as you arrive at your destination, that the train will call at 17 stations and passenger safety information notices are located at the doors.
[[Image:Supercrash.jpg|thumb|275px|A typical Sprinter.]]
* '''Sprinter''' and '''Pacer''' — used on local branch lines. The Sprinter is a railway carriage with a bus engine underneath, whereas the Pacer cuts out the middle man and is just a bus with the tyres taken off and runs on the steel wheels. The less said about the crashworthiness of these pacers, the better. The Stupid Retards Associtaion (SRA - better known as "Several Redundant Accountants") would rather pretend these trains don't exist.
* '''[[Old Tech|Steam]] [[Trains]]''' — no more of these on [[British Railways]], and not really modern, but there we are. Some groups of Bank Managers, Accountants, Train Spotters and Computer Programmers have formed societies and saved old steam trains from scrap. They run these on closed branch lines and give them either quaint names like the Bloo-bell Railway or grand titles like Gr8t Central Railway. Some of them use place names like the Northampton & Lamport Railway, even though it doesn't go to Lamport and it doesn't stop anywhere near Northampton. Occasionally they let the old steam trains out on the main lines but they tend to be clean, comfortable and run on time, so they send them back before anyone finds out.
==Railways and chavs==
With the arrival of railways to Liverpool and Manchester the chavs from both areas bred like rabbits and as a result they can now be found all over the country. Railways are often used as walking routes by chavs and as such there are always delays as the drivers have to spend time washing the chav entrails from the trains.
In France and Germany, however, they have the right idea. If you were stupid enough to walk into a train and die, it is your fault. Whereas here the chavs are rich enough to warrant being able to sue the railway companies; "Notwork Fail", "Network Fail", and "Notwork Rail".
==Railways and wildlife==
Many species of animals and birds make their nests and burrows alongside the railways. These can be identified by the different coloured smudges on the front of the train. The London Underground, if you believe what you read in cheap horror novels, is home to six different species of Giant Rats, one of which eats tube train workers for lunch on odd days and passengers on even days.
[[Image:VirginBird.jpeg|left|thumb|198px|"I think we found your Sparrow Madam..." ]]
==Types of railways==
In Great Britain there are two types of railway lines. Those that go to London and those that don't. The London lines are usually fast, up to 125mph, many have electric trains, all have Buffet Cars, and a fast and frequent service. Other lines have about three trains a day, which stop at a village every half a mile, and take most of the day to get there.
In India there is no air conditioning on the train and the buffet car only serves curry. As a result most people sit on the roof. This is only a problem if it is an electric train which runs off overhead wires.
In Eygpt, the railways trend to be made from mouse-pads and old-mummies (in pieces) which were found in the landfills of New York. It was made in the year 45 BC just 2 years before the mouse pad was invented. The railway has as many as 5 stations; the Pharaoh's bedroom, the Pharaoh's toilet, the Pharaoh's dining room, the Pharaoh's drug storeroom and the main entrance to the Pharaoh's palace. For many years, the Pharaoh sued the railway for inefficient trains. Many times, because of the trains, he was late for trips to the toilet, his bedtime stories (told by his mother), his before mid-night snack and paying his guards at the main entrance. Other Pharaohs also had those problems so the railways co. decided to add 60 more trains. So for every two seconds, a train came.
==Building a railway==
There are three main components to building a railway: Asbestos, tea and asbestos. There are many people regreting the accidental building of the railways. Most of the country protested against the opening of [[Basingrad]] station, and wanted the railway to go through the town without stopping, as this would also have been a useful way to keep the [[chav]] population down as the many chavs using the line as a footpath would have been splatted on the front of a train going 100 m.p.h. Unfortunately the builders of the railway dropped a station in basingrad while passing, which instantly filled with chavs wanting to meet more chavs and breed with them, and so the station could not be removed and we are now stuck with a plague as a result.
==Lost Property==
If you are stupid enough to leave something on a train, and actually want it back, then contact the railway Lost Property office. Outside office hours, an answerphone will be in operation, where you will be forced to listen to the story of how somebody once left a wooden leg at Clacton station, (does that mean that he was legless), and the embarrased transvestite who left his man's clothes on the train and had to go to the Lost Property Office still dressed as 'Doris'. Please note you will be charged a small fee for the return of your item, which represents approximately double the item's value. Staff reserve the right to rifle through your personal belongings and play Solitaire on your laptop computer until the battery goes flat.
==National Rail Enquiries==
In Great Britain, you can no longer telephone your local station. You have to use National Rail Enquiries. Your call will automatically be redirected to one of the Indian call centres, where it will be answered by someone living on the opposite side of the world who has never heard of the country you are living in, and attempting to travel across. In an accent you can barely understand they will give you details of a five-hour journey with four changes which includes a three-hour wait at Clapham Junction. Fares quoted may vary from those quoted last time you called, even if it was only five minutes ago. In the rare event that you speak to the same person twice, National Rail Enquiries reserves the right to give you completely different information.
==Telesales==
The Stupid Retards Associtaion (SRA - better known as "Several Redundant Accountants") decided that they needed a way of trying to sell you a standard class (aka third class) ticket for an amount about the size of your house value more easily. Thus telesales was born. You phoned what you thought was your local modern railway company and your call would be instantly answered by a voice message you could barely hear or understand "that your call is important and will be answered within the next ten years". It would then be transfered to India and a man called Bob or a Female called Sally or Jane would say "Welcome to Worst Telesales, Can I take your order please, we have specials on Curry today". You would then be sold a ticket you never asked for and your credit card details would be stolen and inputted into the Mega Windows Vista SP2 database system, to be lost never to see the light of day again.
You would then go to the station to pick the tickets up and you would then descover with 2 mins to spare then youve gotten the wrong tickets.
The Stupid Retards Associtaion also decided that once Telesales had your money, you wouldnt need to get a refund or change your details and so decided to have 1 person on for refunds, monday 7am till 7.15am and Thursdays 3am till 3.30am.
==The railways and other minority groups==
With the arrival of the railways at Brighton the gays went and sought out the chavs, creating a new breed of gay chavs. Most of them went on an "awaygay" [[day return]] special to [[Wales]] but they all lost their return tickets so stayed. Each one moved to a different place so he could say he was the "only Gay in the village".
There are, of course, railway enthusiasts as well, who take great intererest in the operation and running of railways. These enthusiasts sadly do not see the bad points of railways, and see the delays as a good thing and manage to ignore the screaming and angry passengers, walking up the platform with a smile permanently engraved on their face clutching £1000's worth of recording equipment, only to be met by a mob of angry chavs who invariably will eat them for supper.
==Railways and steering wheels==
In the middle ages 120% of trains had steering wheels. This involved a highly advanced futuristic device fitted on the bottom of trains to lay new rails in realtime as the driver changed direction. Many lawsuits followed, ranging from the "I bought a ticket to ipswich and ended up at lands end" to the "He drove a railway through my house".
Due to unpopular demand the steering wheel was scrapped, along with most of the useless rails and the result is the retarded system where 97% of rails in the world go into London.
[[Category:Transportation]]
[[Category:Thomas the tank]]