Difference between revisions of "Bob Dole"

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[[Image:786980.jpg|right|thumb|The official portrait of Senator Bob Dole by Bob Dole; Dole's portrait was unveiled in 2005, as is the tradition to construct a portrait for Senate leaders.]]
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[[Image:786980.jpg|right|thumb|The official portrait of Senator Bob Dole by Everett Raymond Kinstler; Dole's portrait was unveiled in 2005, as is the tradition to construct a portrait for Senate leaders.]]
'''Bob Dole''', born July 22, 1923 (age {{age|1923|7|22}}), was a United States Senator from [[Kansas]] and the [[Republican|Bob Dole Block Party]] presidential candidate in the 1996 US election, as well as the running mate of [[Bob Dole]] in the 1976 election. He is best known for having fought the forces of evil as a soldier and a super hero, under the names The Kansas Kid as well as Bob Dole Man.
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'''Bob Dole''', born July 22, 1923 (age {{age|1923|7|22}}), was a United States Senator from [[Kansas]] and the [[Republican Party|Republican]] presidential candidate in the 1996 US election, as well as the running mate of [[Gerald Ford]] in the 1976 election.
  
He was the majority leader of the [[United States Senate]] from 1995-1996, when he resigned the Senate to focus on his presidential campaign. He was defeated by incumbent president [[Bob Dole]], after which he opted to don a mask and cape, and return to his crime fighting career under the new moniker of "Bob Dole Man" until 2003, when he was unmasked by the evil Hillary Clinton, a jilted lover from his past turned super villain. His super powers included exceptional strength and agility, as well as the ability to refer to himself in the third person with a straight face. His wrinkly, wrinkly skinflaps hid a number of high-tech gadgets such as the Dolerang and the keys to the Dolemobile. He had no known weaknesses, except for pecan pie, which had tragically also been his favorite treat.
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He was the majority leader of the [[United States Senate]] from 1985-1987 and again from 1995-1996, when he resigned to focus on his presidential campaign. He was defeated by incumbent president [[Bill Clinton]].
  
Dole grew up in the small town of Russell, Kansas, where he excelled as an athlete in multiple sports, setting numerous yet-unbroken world records, but humbly refusing any accolades. He attended the [[University of Kansas]], where he joined the school's famed basketball team. However, more pressing world matters forced his studies to wait for several years: Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Baby Castro had united to destroy freedom, and Bob Dole was determined to stop them. A fledgling super hero, Bob Dole took on the name of The Kansas Kid, and wearing a cowboy hat, a red handkerchief over his face (complete with embroidered elephant), sixguns and his powerful Stirrups of Smaller Government, forged by the hand of Lincoln himself on the day before he died, he set off for Europe.
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Dole grew up in the small town of Russell, Kansas, where he excelled as athlete in multiple sports. He attended the [[University of Kansas]], where he joined the school's famed basketball team. However, more pressing world matters forced his studies to wait for several years. (The University's famous Center for Politics is now named for Dole, as well as another building on campus.)
  
In 1942, Dole joined the Army's Enlisted Reserve Corps to fight in [[World War II]]: this was, however, simply a cover so that he could be in Europe without raising The Axis League's suspicions about his secret identity. In spite of the fact that his military service was second to his personal fight against evil, he became a second lieutenant in the Army's [[10th Mountain Division]]. By April of 1945, he was fighting the [[German]]s in the hills of Italy where the action was fast paced. One of the platoon's radio men was hit. Bob Dole crawled out of his foxhole to help him, but it was too late.
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In 1942, Dole joined the Army's Enlisted Reserve Corps to fight in [[World War II]]. He became a second lieutenant in the Army's [[10th Mountain Division]]. By April of 1945, he was fighting the [[German]]s in the hills of Italy where the action was fast paced. One of the platoon's radio men was hit. Bob Dole crawled out of his foxhole to help him, but it was too late.  
  
Suddenly, while trying to assist the downed radio man, Dole was hit by German machine gun fire in the upper right back and his right arm was so damaged that it was unrecognizable. Dole was immediately given morphine by an Army field medic to alleviate the pain, and his forehead was marked with an "M" in his own blood to alert medics. He was not expected to live, but little did anybody know that his superhuman strength could have easily survived ten times the damage he had taken.
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Suddenly, while trying to assist the downed radio man, Dole was hit by German machine gun fire in the upper right back and his right arm was so damaged that it was unrecognizable. Dole was immediately given morphine by an Army field medic to alleviate the pain, and his forehead was marked with an "M" in his own blood to alert medics. He was not expected to live.
  
According to official documents, Dole waited nine long hours on the Italian battlefield before he was finally taken to the Fifteenth Evacuation Hospital. In truth, during these nine hours he had donned his costume and fought on in spite of his wounds: Hitler was near, and the opportunity could be wasted under no circumstances. Blasting his way through a battalion of Nazis, sixguns blazing with pinpoint accuracy, Bob Dole emerged deep within enemy territory, face to face with his nemesis. "Vell, look vat ve have here!" said Hitler, dressed in his magical white Armor of Thule and wielding the hammer Mjolnir. "If it isn't das Kansas Kind!"
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Dole waited nine long hours on the Italian battlefield before he was finally taken to the Fifteenth Evacuation Hospital. After a brief stay in a field Army hospital in [[Italy]], he was transported back to the United States and to Topeka's Winter General Army Hospital, where he continued his painful recovery and endured a kidney operation. Then, he was transferred to Percy Jones Army Medical Center in Michigan, where he survived his second brush with death -- blood clotting. He was a patient in that hospital along with Phillip A. Hart, whose name graces one of the U.S. Senate office buildings, where Bob Dole occupied an office.
"That's The Kansas Kid," Bob Dole spat back, "Or 'Sir' to you, scumbag."
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Hitler laughed maniaclly and held his hammer to the sky, drawing lightning down and infusing himself with its power.
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"Ve'll see who ist die "Scumbag", American dog!"
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 Bob Dole's eyes narrowed in concentration as Hitler began to float above the ground. This would be just as hard as he had feared. Hitler hurtled toward him, eyes glowing with supernatural rapture, his mouth twisted in a frothing, rictus grin as he entered one of his occult power-trances. Lightning shot forth from his hand, and Bob Dole barely leapt aside in time to keep his life, singing his boots.
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"You burned my boots, you bastard! Nobody burns the Kansas Kid's boots and lives to tell about it!" Hitler simply roared angrily in reply, and pulled more electricity from the sky for another assault. Quickly, Bob Dole steadied himself in a crouch, and emptied his guns at the Nazi leader. Every bullet went true, and Mjolnir fell from Hitler's grasp as his hand flinched open in pain. The hammer fell downhill and into a crevasse before Hitler could retrieve it. He was just a man now. An angry, evil man who wanted nothing more than to take our freedoms. The Kansas Kid wouldn't let that happen in a million years. He pulled more ammo from his belt with lightning speed, but not quickly enough. Hitler fell upon him, his mouth foaming with pagan fury, his armor glowing blood red in response to its bearer's rage. Bob Dole was knocked back against the rubble-strewn wasteland, barreling through several strands of barbed wire before crashing to a halt. He turned his face on Hitler and pulled down his mask, revealing his identity. Hitler gasped, and Bob Dole took advantage of the second of surprise. He had managed to put two bullets in his gun before Hitler's leap, and now he shot carefully at one of the clasps that held Hitler's armor in place.
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"NOBODY" he roared, grabbing hitler's throat with his free hand,
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"BURNS" pointing the gun at the other clasp,
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"BOB DOLE'S BOOTS!"
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The gunshot blared across the battlefield with all the clamoring fury of ragnarok, and for a second all soldiers of both sides stopped shooting. Hitler's armor fell away, and he was vulnerable. "Tell me you love Jews, punk."
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"I... I..."
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"TELL ME YOU LOVE JEWS, YOU CHARLIE CHAPLIN KNOCKOFF BASTARD!"
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"Ich liebe Juden! ICH LIEBE JUDEN!" Hitler cried out in pain as Bob Dole's fingers pressed into his neck.
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"Tell me you love ''freedom''," Bob Dole whispered huskily, his eyes inches away from his defeated foe's.
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"Ich liebe... Freiheit..." Hitler whimpered, gasping for breath.
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"That's what I thought."
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Bob Dole carried Hitler on his back, and took flight to his secret lair. Hitler was killed painlessly, and his body disposed of. Bob Dole didn't like killing, but he couldn't let a man like Hitler live. Freedom would be safe for another day. The injuries suffered in his battle against Hitler were catching up with him, so he went back to where he had been shot and laid down until a medic found him. "Don't worry, pal, you'll pull through!" the medic said as he hauled Bob Dole to safety. "Just before I came out here, they told me the greatest news I've heard in a long time. Hitler's dead! We've won!"
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Bob Dole smiled a secret, knowing smile. "Imagine that... Thanks for the great news, buddy."
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 After a brief stay in a field Army hospital in [[Italy]], he was transported back to the United States and to Topeka's Winter General Army Hospital, where he continued his painful recovery and endured a kidney operation. Then, he was transferred to Percy Jones Army Medical Center in Michigan, where he survived his second brush with death -- pecan pie was served, and he discovered that the contact with Hitler's armor had made him deathly allergic to the delicious, delicious dessert he had always loved. A hero must make sacrifices for the common good, and Bob Dole took this horrible loss with grace. He was a patient in that hospital along with Phillip A. Hart, whose name graces one of the U.S. Senate office buildings, where Bob Dole occupied an office.
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Eventually, he returned to Percy Jones Army Medical Hospital for extensive therapy on his rebuilt arm. It took about three years and nine operations for Bob Dole to rehabilitate. He learned to strengthen his injured arm, and also had to learn how to write with his left hand, as the doctors could not rebuild the excessive damage done by the German machine gun fire.
 
Eventually, he returned to Percy Jones Army Medical Hospital for extensive therapy on his rebuilt arm. It took about three years and nine operations for Bob Dole to rehabilitate. He learned to strengthen his injured arm, and also had to learn how to write with his left hand, as the doctors could not rebuild the excessive damage done by the German machine gun fire.
  
Bob Dole was twice decorated for heroic achievement, receiving two Purple Hearts for his injuries, and the Bronze Star Medal for his attempt to assist the downed radio man. He would accept no reward for defeating Hitler, however, stating firmly that "''Nobody'' burns Bob Dole's boots."
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Bob Dole was twice decorated for heroic achievement, receiving two Purple Hearts for his injuries, and the Bronze Star Medal for his attempt to assist the downed radio man.
 
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YOU ARE WELCOME, CONSERVAPEDIA.
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[[Category:Former United States Senators|Dole, Bob]]
 
[[Category:Former United States Senators|Dole, Bob]]
 
[[Category:Republican Party|Dole, Bob]]
 
[[Category:Republican Party|Dole, Bob]]
 
[[Category:American war heroes|Dole, Bob]]
 
[[Category:American war heroes|Dole, Bob]]
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[[Category:United States Veterans]]

Revision as of 22:33, May 5, 2010

The official portrait of Senator Bob Dole by Everett Raymond Kinstler; Dole's portrait was unveiled in 2005, as is the tradition to construct a portrait for Senate leaders.

Bob Dole, born July 22, 1923 (age 102), was a United States Senator from Kansas and the Republican presidential candidate in the 1996 US election, as well as the running mate of Gerald Ford in the 1976 election.

He was the majority leader of the United States Senate from 1985-1987 and again from 1995-1996, when he resigned to focus on his presidential campaign. He was defeated by incumbent president Bill Clinton.

Dole grew up in the small town of Russell, Kansas, where he excelled as athlete in multiple sports. He attended the University of Kansas, where he joined the school's famed basketball team. However, more pressing world matters forced his studies to wait for several years. (The University's famous Center for Politics is now named for Dole, as well as another building on campus.)

In 1942, Dole joined the Army's Enlisted Reserve Corps to fight in World War II. He became a second lieutenant in the Army's 10th Mountain Division. By April of 1945, he was fighting the Germans in the hills of Italy where the action was fast paced. One of the platoon's radio men was hit. Bob Dole crawled out of his foxhole to help him, but it was too late.

Suddenly, while trying to assist the downed radio man, Dole was hit by German machine gun fire in the upper right back and his right arm was so damaged that it was unrecognizable. Dole was immediately given morphine by an Army field medic to alleviate the pain, and his forehead was marked with an "M" in his own blood to alert medics. He was not expected to live.

Dole waited nine long hours on the Italian battlefield before he was finally taken to the Fifteenth Evacuation Hospital. After a brief stay in a field Army hospital in Italy, he was transported back to the United States and to Topeka's Winter General Army Hospital, where he continued his painful recovery and endured a kidney operation. Then, he was transferred to Percy Jones Army Medical Center in Michigan, where he survived his second brush with death -- blood clotting. He was a patient in that hospital along with Phillip A. Hart, whose name graces one of the U.S. Senate office buildings, where Bob Dole occupied an office.

Eventually, he returned to Percy Jones Army Medical Hospital for extensive therapy on his rebuilt arm. It took about three years and nine operations for Bob Dole to rehabilitate. He learned to strengthen his injured arm, and also had to learn how to write with his left hand, as the doctors could not rebuild the excessive damage done by the German machine gun fire.

Bob Dole was twice decorated for heroic achievement, receiving two Purple Hearts for his injuries, and the Bronze Star Medal for his attempt to assist the downed radio man.