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Line 7: − − Early Career At ABC News − − In the year of 1979, the great network news and sports god Roone Arledge made the first of several deals with Satan to bring Bill O'Reilly in to be a reporter for World News Tonight. His overly-conservative views led the network's demi-god anchor, the omnipotent Peter Jennings to loathe O'Reilly, since Jennings was a die-hard liberal. Jennings was quoted as saying "There's only room for one dickhead at this network, and I'm going to be the only one." However, Arledge had purchased O'Reilly for life. Jennings used his power and constant threats to have the first born of Arledge slaughtered on live television, and to have Howard Cosell anchor in his place, to get Arledge to send O'Reilly where he could get easily killed. O'Reilly was sent on repeated assignments to Hell, where he interviewed John F. Kennedy and Satan himself. However, Hell barred O'Reilly after he threatened to bring one million Christians to wipe Hell off the face of the earth. Satan stated in repeated interviews that he would never forgive Roone Arledge for what he did, and got his payback when he got Arledge for all eternity in 2002. Nonetheless, Satan and Arledge have managed to patch things up since God revealed that Unitarianism was the only true religion and, thus, he was able to use O'Reilly's crusaders as a substitute for the ailing infernal plumbing system. − − Afterwards, Jennings used his influence to delegate O'Reilly to doing business briefs on the network. O'Reilly would always open his briefs with the same line "I'm Bill O'Reilly, and this is a business brief, and I'm not wearing any briefs." The briefs came to an end after only one year when an apparently drunk and high O'Reilly came on air, announced that the Economy was screwed, and attempted to have sex with Barbara Walters on camera. − − O'Reilly was finally released from his lifetime of slavery to ABC in 1987, when he was made a scapegoat in light of a botched assassination attempt of Peter Jennings in which O'Reilly rigged a camera to blow up in the face of Jennings upon Jennings' precise and correct pronunciation of the word "Shit". However, the camera was shipped to Washington and instead blew up in the face of David Brinkley, which resulted in shards performing a lobotomy on Brinkley. However, viewers never noticed, as nobody really cared. − [edit] Reputation − Read his new book. It's doubleplusgood!! − Read his new book. It's doubleplusgood!! − − Despite his medusan disability, O'Reilly is the most caring and loving man since Satan's evil twin settled down into his retirement home in Topeka Kansas. He is also renowned in the field of political science for his scintillating wit and profound sense of courtesy. His techniques have been described by leading news analysts Ann Coulter, Joseph Goebbels, and Lyndon LaRouche as "fair and balanced." − Part of a series of articles on − Christianity − The new Lord − − History of Christianity − Jesus − The Apostles − Ecumenical councils − Great Schism − The Crusades − Reformation − − The Trinity − God the Father − The Son (Jesus Christ) − The Holy Spirit − − The Bible − Old Testament − New Testament − Apocrypha − The Gospels − Ten Commandments − Sermon on the Mount − − Christian theology − Fall of Man · Grace − Salvation · Justification − Interreligious dialogue − Christian worship − − Christian Church − Roman Catholicism − Eastern Orthodoxy − Protestantism − − Christian erudition − Christian denominations − Christian movements − Christian ecumenism − Christian scholastica − Christian discourses − − Important Figures − Apostle Paul − Church Fathers − Augustine · Aquinas − Joe Smith & Bang Em Young · Luther − Calvin · Trammell − Carver · Wesley − − − [edit] Humanitarian − − Despite being mischievous in his childhood (Bill killed his first black man at age 2, 90,078 black men total by the time he was 23) Bill reformed and became a conservative. He won the 1984 Nobel peace prize for helping wipe out leprosy in California by killing all lepers under the age of 7. "I still hate n*****s" said Bill, "but I'm willing to help 'em if I can kill some of 'em in the process". He is also America's foremost falafel salesman. O'Reilly's reputation recently dropped in the eyes of some after his interview with God in which he confronted God about his supposed Liberal Bias and demanded he step down from office. − [edit] Profile in Courage − − Bill O'Reilly is also a valiant. In 2003, Terri Gross struck several times O'Reilly with her hairspray bottle , took his wallet, and made him call her "Daddy" repeatedly on National Public Radio. Gross was later given a detention by NPR Ombudsman Jeffrey A. Dvorkin for starting the fight. − − O'Reilly takes credit for largely preventing the spread of British Roundabouts throughout the United States by declaring it a "No Spin Zone". − [edit] A Man of Many Trades − − Bill is also a devoted Star Trek fan, but only of the original series. He reportedly had to use the vulcan neck pinch to take out a voracious Sean Hannity who was attempting to rape him. − [edit] 2005 Phone Scandal − − In 2005, it was revealed that O'Reilly was having phone sex with Ann Coulter. The practice of having phone sex was pioneered by Bill O’Reilly which until this day O'Reilly is insanely proud of. Disseminating words of caring sensitivity, O'Reilly instructed Anne "to make sure your pussy completely detaches my ballsack along with my cock".Being the fair and balanced,judicious man that he is, he instructed Ann Colter to "spread your sloppy joe ass cheeks so I could stick my head as far up yo' ass as humanly possible". Unfortunately, O'Reilly's head got stuck under his matress, which he was pretending was Anne's ass. O'Reilly remained stuck for 2 days as his family was visiting relatives in Vermont. O'Reilly nearly died in the incident. For the 2 days he was stuck, Bob Saget took over for him on his show. − [edit] Other Scandals − − O'Reilly also became the only man to have sex with Terri Schiavo's corpse. O'Reilly was taping his show on location at the morgue of the hospital Terri passed away at.For a few minutes after the camera was off, and no one else was around, Bill took the opportunity to engage in necrophilia. No one knew about this incident at first. However, the next day, after enjoying his rendezvous with "enlightement", he privately spoke about the incident to Rush ( I HAVE A VERY SMALL PEN1S, THAT'S WHY I'M MEAN ) Limbaugh when he stated emphatically that he will "continue trying to fvck America in the ass on television with Nancy Grace's dildo". Unfortunately he said that in his studio without his knowledge the microphone was on. O'Reilly was nearly fired for the incident. However, as of 2007, his Fox News Show and his radio show still exist, and O'Reilly still has not apologizd to the public, nor to Schiavo's family, nor to Nancy Grace.
Reverted edits by Johndoe1212 (Talk); changed back to last version by Bohdan
* O'Reilly and [[Stephen Colbert]] have a friendly rivalry, even appearing on each others' shows.
* O'Reilly and [[Stephen Colbert]] have a friendly rivalry, even appearing on each others' shows.
* O'Reilly is a big fan of Middle Eastern food.
* O'Reilly is a big fan of Middle Eastern food.
==References==
==References==