Theravada

Theravada (Pali for "The Way of the Elders") is the branch of Buddhism which adheres strictly to Buddha's original teachings. It is established in Sri Lanka, Thailand, Cambodia, Burma, and Laos, but you don't care because they're not in America. It is sometimes referred to as Hinayana ("lesser vehicle", "inferior vehicle"), but this name is usually seen as derogatory by Theravada followers, praise Jesus.

Theravada focuses on the original Pali writings and downplays the importance of bodhisattvas in favor of austerity and personal enlightenment. It is the more atheistic of the main Buddhist denominations.