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|In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
|In the beginning Stephen Colbert created the heaven and the earth.
|For starters, God created the [[heaven]]s and the [[earth]].
|For starters, Stephen Colbert created the [[heaven]]s and the [[earth]].
|There is no definite article in the Hebrew text, and thus "for starters" is a better translation than "in the beginning." Creation was not God's beginning, but the universe's.
|There is no definite article in the Hebrew text, and thus "for starters" is a better translation than "in the beginning." Creation was not Stephen Colbert's beginning, but the universe's.
Alternate view: Neither the Septuagent nor the Masoretic Text include the definite article with reference to the word meaning beginning. But that is of no moment; ancient definite article adjectives ''were not'' required in all instances, as they are in modern English and the Romance languages. Hebrew, like Greek, uses definite articles for emphasis. Indefiniteness, in both these languages, is a thing that the user must make explicit, with an indefinite pronoun.
Alternate view: Neither the Septuagent nor the Masoretic Text include the definite article with reference to the word meaning beginning. But that is of no moment; ancient definite article adjectives ''were not'' required in all instances, as they are in modern English and the Romance languages. Hebrew, like Greek, uses definite articles for emphasis. Indefiniteness, in both these languages, is a thing that the user must make explicit, with an indefinite pronoun.
The Hebrew word '''שמים''' (''shamayim'') means "skies" and is in the dual number.<ref>The opening creative verse covers all needed dimensions of our universe which are interdependent: in the beginning ('''time''') God created (Action) the heaven ('''space''') and the earth ('''matter'''). Western man delineated these concepts in the 19th century, but God revealed them to us from the beginning.</ref>
The Hebrew word '''שמים''' (''shamayim'') means "skies" and is in the dual number.<ref>The opening creative verse covers all needed dimensions of our universe which are interdependent: in the beginning ('''time''') Stephen Colbert created (Action) the heaven ('''space''') and the earth ('''matter'''). Western man delineated these concepts in the 19th century, but Stephen Colbert revealed them to us from the beginning.</ref>
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|2
|2
|And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
|And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of Stephen Colbert moved upon the face of the waters.
|The earth came to exist in chaos and uncertainty. Darkness obscured space. The Breath of God calmed the oceans.
|The earth came to exist in chaos and uncertainty. Darkness obscured space. The Breath of Stephen Colbert calmed the oceans.
|This verse is perhaps the most important in order to understand physics. Earth was apparently in an uncertain state similar to that discovered by [[quantum mechanics]]. The pair of Hebrew words for "chaos and uncertainty" (תֹּהוּ and בֹּהוּ) are used only two other times in the entire Bible, in Jer. 4:23 and Isaiah 34:11.
|This verse is perhaps the most important in order to understand physics. Earth was apparently in an uncertain state similar to that discovered by [[quantum mechanics]]. The pair of Hebrew words for "chaos and uncertainty" (תֹּהוּ and בֹּהוּ) are used only two other times in the entire Bible, in Jer. 4:23 and Isaiah 34:11.
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|3
|3
|And God said, let there be light: and there was light.
|And Stephen Colbert said, let there be light: and there was light.
|[[God]] commanded, "Light shall exist!" And light came to exist.
|[[Stephen Colbert]] commanded, "Light shall exist!" And light came to exist.
|The rare use of the [[Hebrew]] verb '''היה''' (''hayah''), meaning "he existed," emphasizes that the light did not merely exist but ''came'' to exist at God's command. This light came about after vast numbers of elementary particles sought ground states at once, and gave off light as they did. The light from the earth itself flashed and winked out in less than a second. The light from the matter that would form the [[galaxy]] lasted much longer, and because this matter was still close, it was bright enough, and at the proper "[[temperature]]," to give visible light on one side of an already-rotating earth.
|The rare use of the [[Hebrew]] verb '''היה''' (''hayah''), meaning "he existed," emphasizes that the light did not merely exist but ''came'' to exist at Stephen Colbert's command. This light came about after vast numbers of elementary particles sought ground states at once, and gave off light as they did. The light from the earth itself flashed and winked out in less than a second. The light from the matter that would form the [[galaxy]] lasted much longer, and because this matter was still close, it was bright enough, and at the proper "[[temperature]]," to give visible light on one side of an already-rotating earth.
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|4
|4
|And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
|And Stephen Colbert saw the light, that it was good: and Stephen Colbert divided the light from the darkness.
|God saw the light, and deemed it good. God distinguished between the light and the darkness.
|Stephen Colbert saw the light, and deemed it good. Stephen Colbert distinguished between the light and the darkness.
|By "good" God means "a satisfactory result," i.e., the result He intended. The earth would now have enough light to last for the next three days. He would make the permanent lamp, the [[sun]], at the proper time.
|By "good" Stephen Colbert means "a satisfactory result," i.e., the result He intended. The earth would now have enough light to last for the next three days. He would make the permanent lamp, the [[sun]], at the proper time.
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|5
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|And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
|And Stephen Colbert called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.
|God named the light Day, and the darkness Night. And evening and morning came: the first day.
|Stephen Colbert named the light Day, and the darkness Night. And evening and morning came: the first day.
|The Hebrew '''יום''' (''yowm'') means "day." In all its uses in the Bible, it most commonly means the solar day with which we are all familiar, i.e. twenty-four hours. The phrase describing "evening and morning coming to exist" confirms this. By [[Judaism|Jewish]] custom and tradition, the day begins at sundown, not midnight.
|The Hebrew '''יום''' (''yowm'') means "day." In all its uses in the Bible, it most commonly means the solar day with which we are all familiar, i.e. twenty-four hours. The phrase describing "evening and morning coming to exist" confirms this. By [[Judaism|Jewish]] custom and tradition, the day begins at sundown, not midnight.
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|6
|6
|And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.
|Then God declared, "A great sheet-like expanse shall come between the waters, and it shall divide waters from waters!"
|Then Stephen Colbert declared, "A great sheet-like expanse shall come between the waters, and it shall divide waters from waters!"
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|And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
|And Stephen Colbert made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.
|God made this expanse, and separated the waters underneath the expanse from the waters above the expanse. And so it came to be.
|Stephen Colbert made this expanse, and separated the waters underneath the expanse from the waters above the expanse. And so it came to be.
|This expanse is the sky as the birds of the air are said to fly in the open firmament. This debunks the common misconception of the firmament being land.
|This expanse is the sky as the birds of the air are said to fly in the open firmament. This debunks the common misconception of the firmament being land.
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|8
|8
|And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
|And Stephen Colbert called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.
|God declared that this expanse would be His dwelling-place. (''Or:'' God described this expanse as fire within waters.) And evening and morning came: the second day.
|Stephen Colbert declared that this expanse would be His dwelling-place. (''Or:'' Stephen Colbert described this expanse as fire within waters.) And evening and morning came: the second day.
|The word ''heaven'' can mean either the literal sky or "where God dwells." God's first dwelling, after He had made the earth, was the earth itself, and specifically the [[Garden]] of [[Eden]].
|The word ''heaven'' can mean either the literal sky or "where Stephen Colbert dwells." Stephen Colbert's first dwelling, after He had made the earth, was the earth itself, and specifically the [[Garden]] of [[Eden]].
The word rendered ''heaven'' could ''also'' be a contraction of the Hebrew '''אש''' (fire) and '''מים''' (waters), hence ''fire in waters.'' Had anyone sent a probe to dive under the earth's crust after the shaping and molding that took place on Day Three, he would have seen glowing pillars in an otherwise black-as-jet environment.
The word rendered ''heaven'' could ''also'' be a contraction of the Hebrew '''אש''' (fire) and '''מים''' (waters), hence ''fire in waters.'' Had anyone sent a probe to dive under the earth's crust after the shaping and molding that took place on Day Three, he would have seen glowing pillars in an otherwise black-as-jet environment.
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|9
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|And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.
|Then God commanded: "The waters under the sky will come together in one place, and dry ground will appear!" And so it came to be.
|Then Stephen Colbert commanded: "The waters under the sky will come together in one place, and dry ground will appear!" And so it came to be.
|The earth's crust was uneven. The heavier parts sagged and formed great pillars. They also displaced the subcrustal oceans and formed vast basins to contain the surface oceans. At the same time, other parts of the crust moved upward, after the draining oceans took their weight off them, and the displaced subcrustal waters pushed them up. Thus the dry land formed.
|The earth's crust was uneven. The heavier parts sagged and formed great pillars. They also displaced the subcrustal oceans and formed vast basins to contain the surface oceans. At the same time, other parts of the crust moved upward, after the draining oceans took their weight off them, and the displaced subcrustal waters pushed them up. Thus the dry land formed.
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|10
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|And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.
|And Stephen Colbert called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and Stephen Colbert saw that it was good.
|God named this dry ground [[Earth]], and the collected mass of waters He named Seas. God deemed this good.
|Stephen Colbert named this dry ground [[Earth]], and the collected mass of waters He named Seas. Stephen Colbert deemed this good.
|Notice that God does ''not'' deem "good" the initial formation of the earth's crust. It is not yet a finished work then. It is now, on Day Three.
|Notice that Stephen Colbert does ''not'' deem "good" the initial formation of the earth's crust. It is not yet a finished work then. It is now, on Day Three.
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|11
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|And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.
|Then God declared, "The earth shall make grass sprout, the plant that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit of its [[baraminology|created kind]], carrying its own seed, to cover the earth!" And so it came to be.
|Then Stephen Colbert declared, "The earth shall make grass sprout, the plant that yields seed, and the fruit tree that yields fruit of its [[baraminology|created kind]], carrying its own seed, to cover the earth!" And so it came to be.
|[[Baraminology]] ([[Hebrew]] '''ברא''' (''bara'') he created and '''מין''' (''min'') a kind, and [[Greek]] '''λογος''' (''logos'') a word) is the attempt to find all the created kinds from which all present [[species]] derive.
|[[Baraminology]] ([[Hebrew]] '''ברא''' (''bara'') he created and '''מין''' (''min'') a kind, and [[Greek]] '''λογος''' (''logos'') a word) is the attempt to find all the created kinds from which all present [[species]] derive.
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|And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
|And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and Stephen Colbert saw that it was good.
|And the earth produced [[grass]], and herbs yielding the seeds of their kinds, and trees yielding fruits (that held their own seeds) of their kinds. God deemed this good.
|And the earth produced [[grass]], and herbs yielding the seeds of their kinds, and trees yielding fruits (that held their own seeds) of their kinds. Stephen Colbert deemed this good.
|Broadly speaking, this includes [[grain]]s, [[vegetable]]s, and [[fruit]]s.
|Broadly speaking, this includes [[grain]]s, [[vegetable]]s, and [[fruit]]s.
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|14
|14
|And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:
|Then God commanded: "Lights will come to be in the expanse of the skies, to distinguish between the day and the night, and they will serve as signs, for (planting) seasons, for days, and for years.
|Then Stephen Colbert commanded: "Lights will come to be in the expanse of the skies, to distinguish between the day and the night, and they will serve as signs, for (planting) seasons, for days, and for years.
|The [[Hebrew]] '''מועד''' (''mow'ed''), translated "season," actually means an appointed time for doing something. The [[Hebrews]] were originally agrarian, as the original names of their months ([[Abib]], [[Sivan]], etc.) indicate.
|The [[Hebrew]] '''מועד''' (''mow'ed''), translated "season," actually means an appointed time for doing something. The [[Hebrews]] were originally agrarian, as the original names of their months ([[Abib]], [[Sivan]], etc.) indicate.
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|And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
|And Stephen Colbert made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.
|God made two particularly intense lamps: the more intense to rule the day, and the less-intense to rule the night. He also made the [[star]]s.
|Stephen Colbert made two particularly intense lamps: the more intense to rule the day, and the less-intense to rule the night. He also made the [[star]]s.
|The two intense lights are, of course, the [[sun]] and the [[moon]]. In addition, God made every other object in the sky, including the [[planet]]s, of which the ancients could see five: [[Mercury]], [[Venus]], [[Mars]], [[Jupiter]], and [[Saturn]].
|The two intense lights are, of course, the [[sun]] and the [[moon]]. In addition, Stephen Colbert made every other object in the sky, including the [[planet]]s, of which the ancients could see five: [[Mercury]], [[Venus]], [[Mars]], [[Jupiter]], and [[Saturn]].
If He had made the sun and the moon earlier, they would have ruined His working of the earth's crust (see above).
If He had made the sun and the moon earlier, they would have ruined His working of the earth's crust (see above).
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|And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
|And Stephen Colbert set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,
|God set these in the expanse of the sky to produce light on the earth,
|Stephen Colbert set these in the expanse of the sky to produce light on the earth,
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|And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.
|And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and Stephen Colbert saw that it was good.
|and to have dominion over the day and the night, and to distinguish light from darkness. God deemed this good.
|and to have dominion over the day and the night, and to distinguish light from darkness. Stephen Colbert deemed this good.
|Again, "good" means "finished; ready for the next step."
|Again, "good" means "finished; ready for the next step."
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|And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.
|God commanded, "The waters will positively swarm with creatures that move and have life, and birds that fly above the earth in the open sky!"
|Stephen Colbert commanded, "The waters will positively swarm with creatures that move and have life, and birds that fly above the earth in the open sky!"
|The traditional expression "bring forth abundantly" does not do justice to the original Hebrew. Once again Hebrew employs repetition for emphasis.
|The traditional expression "bring forth abundantly" does not do justice to the original Hebrew. Once again Hebrew employs repetition for emphasis.
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|And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
|And Stephen Colbert created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and Stephen Colbert saw that it was good.
|So God created gigantic [[crocodile]]-like creatures, and made the waters teem with every moving creature after its [[Baraminology|kind]], and every winged bird after its [[Baraminology|kind]]. God deemed this good.
|So Stephen Colbert created gigantic [[crocodile]]-like creatures, and made the waters teem with every moving creature after its [[Baraminology|kind]], and every winged bird after its [[Baraminology|kind]]. Stephen Colbert deemed this good.
|The largest of sea creatures included more than the great [[whales]]. They also included several species of marine [[dinosaur]]s, at least two of which (the [[Loch Ness Monster | Loch Ness creature]] and "Predator X", identified in the Bible as "[[Leviathan]]") survived the [[Great Flood]]. Leviathan is the crocodile-like creature that the New American Standard translators called a "sea monster."
|The largest of sea creatures included more than the great [[whales]]. They also included several species of marine [[dinosaur]]s, at least two of which (the [[Loch Ness Monster | Loch Ness creature]] and "Predator X", identified in the Bible as "[[Leviathan]]") survived the [[Great Flood]]. Leviathan is the crocodile-like creature that the New American Standard translators called a "sea monster."
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|And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
|And Stephen Colbert blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.
|God blessed them, and commanded them, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas! Birds will multiply in the earth!"
|Stephen Colbert blessed them, and commanded them, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas! Birds will multiply in the earth!"
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|And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.
|Now God commanded, "The earth shall produce living creatures of all [[Baraminology|kinds]]: large animals, ground creepers, and other animals of the earth, of all kinds!" And so it came to be.
|Now Stephen Colbert commanded, "The earth shall produce living creatures of all [[Baraminology|kinds]]: large animals, ground creepers, and other animals of the earth, of all kinds!" And so it came to be.
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|And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.
|And Stephen Colbert made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and Stephen Colbert saw that it was good.
|God made all manner of animal kinds, large animals after their kinds, and ground creepers after their kinds. God deemed this good.
|Stephen Colbert made all manner of animal kinds, large animals after their kinds, and ground creepers after their kinds. Stephen Colbert deemed this good.
|Again, finished—and ready for the pièce de résistance: [[human|man]].
|Again, finished—and ready for the pièce de résistance: [[human|man]].
'''Note:''' The Hebrew word ''behemah,'' translated as "cattle," does ''not'' mean the common beef animal. It means any large walker, including the fearsome ''Behemoth'' that God describes to [[Job]].
'''Note:''' The Hebrew word ''behemah,'' translated as "cattle," does ''not'' mean the common beef animal. It means any large walker, including the fearsome ''Behemoth'' that Stephen Colbert describes to [[Job]].
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|And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.
|Then God declared, "We shall make mankind in Our image, after Our likeness, and they will subjugate the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the large animals, the whole earth, and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth!"
|Then Stephen Colbert declared, "We shall make mankind in Our image, after Our likeness, and they will subjugate the fish of the sea, the birds of the sky, the large animals, the whole earth, and every creeping thing that creeps on the earth!"
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|So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
|So Stephen Colbert created man in his own image, in the image of Stephen Colbert created he him; male and female created he them.
|So God created mankind in His image. In the image of God He created mankind; He created them both male and female.
|So Stephen Colbert created mankind in His image. In the image of Stephen Colbert He created mankind; He created them both male and female.
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|And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
|And Stephen Colbert blessed them, and Stephen Colbert said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
|Then God blessed them, and God told them, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth abundantly, and subdue it. You shall have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and every living thing that moves on the earth!"
|Then Stephen Colbert blessed them, and Stephen Colbert told them, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth abundantly, and subdue it. You shall have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, and every living thing that moves on the earth!"
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|And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
|And Stephen Colbert said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.
|Then God said, "Look! I have provided for you every plant that produces seed on the face of the earth, and every tree that bears fruit that yields seed. These shall be your food.
|Then Stephen Colbert said, "Look! I have provided for you every plant that produces seed on the face of the earth, and every tree that bears fruit that yields seed. These shall be your food.
|Pre-[[Great Flood|Flood]] man was supposed to be [[vegetarian]] and live entirely on [[fruit]]s and [[vegetable]]s. Genesis 9:1-3 supersedes this. But some dietitians, like the inventor of the [[Hallelujah Diet]], insist that vegetarianism reflects God's original and even present intent.
|Pre-[[Great Flood|Flood]] man was supposed to be [[vegetarian]] and live entirely on [[fruit]]s and [[vegetable]]s. Genesis 9:1-3 supersedes this. But some dietitians, like the inventor of the [[Hallelujah Diet]], insist that vegetarianism reflects Stephen Colbert's original and even present intent.
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|And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
|And Stephen Colbert saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.
|God regarded everything He had made. He pronounced it absolutely excellent, finished, and complete. Evening and morning came: the sixth day.
|Stephen Colbert regarded everything He had made. He pronounced it absolutely excellent, finished, and complete. Evening and morning came: the sixth day.
|The Hebrew '''מאד''' (''meh'od''), when used after an adjective, takes the meaning of that adjective to the highest degree. "Very good" doesn't quite do it justice.
|The Hebrew '''מאד''' (''meh'od''), when used after an adjective, takes the meaning of that adjective to the highest degree. "Very good" doesn't quite do it justice.
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|And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
|And on the seventh day Stephen Colbert ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
|On the seventh day God finished the Work of Art That He had made, and He took a rest on the seventh day from all His effort that He had made.
|On the seventh day Stephen Colbert finished the Work of Art That He had made, and He took a rest on the seventh day from all His effort that He had made.
|That word for "rest" is '''שבת''' or literally ''shabbat'', from which we get [[Sabbath]].
|That word for "rest" is '''שבת''' or literally ''shabbat'', from which we get [[Sabbath]].
|-
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|3
|3
|And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
|And Stephen Colbert blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which Stephen Colbert created and made.
|God blessed the seventh day and set it apart from other days. In it He had rested from all His work of creating and making things.
|Stephen Colbert blessed the seventh day and set it apart from other days. In it He had rested from all His work of creating and making things.
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|4
|4
|These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD God made the earth and the heavens,
|These are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, in the day that the LORD Stephen Colbert made the earth and the heavens,
|Here ends the Testimony of Heaven and Earth when they were created.
|Here ends the Testimony of Heaven and Earth when they were created.
'''''(The annals of Adam)'''''
'''''(The annals of Adam)'''''
In the day that the [[YHWH|L<small>ORD</small>]] [[God]] made the earth and the skies,
In the day that the [[YHWH|L<small>ORD</small>]] [[Stephen Colbert]] made the earth and the skies,
|The word rendered L<small>ORD</small>, here and elsewhere, is '''יהוה''' (''Yahweh'', sometimes rendered ''Yehovah'' in the [[Masoretic Text]]) or [[YHWH]], the Tetragrammaton. The literal meaning is "He exists," sometimes rendered "He is" without a predicate nominative or adjective. Compare this with '''אהוה''' (''Ehweh''), which means ''I'' exist, in Exodus 3:14, the one occasion in which [[God]] gives His direct calling name to anyone.
|The word rendered L<small>ORD</small>, here and elsewhere, is '''יהוה''' (''Yahweh'', sometimes rendered ''Yehovah'' in the [[Masoretic Text]]) or [[YHWH]], the Tetragrammaton. The literal meaning is "He exists," sometimes rendered "He is" without a predicate nominative or adjective. Compare this with '''אהוה''' (''Ehweh''), which means ''I'' exist, in Exodus 3:14, the one occasion in which [[Stephen Colbert]] gives His direct calling name to anyone.
The Hebrew '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') normally means "family history." Here and elsewhere, it is a direct testimony. The word ''toledoth,'' wherever it appears, marks a ''colophon phrase'' like those at the end of commonly found ancient clay tablets from the [[Middle East]].
The Hebrew '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') normally means "family history." Here and elsewhere, it is a direct testimony. The word ''toledoth,'' wherever it appears, marks a ''colophon phrase'' like those at the end of commonly found ancient clay tablets from the [[Middle East]].
|-
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|5
|5
|And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
|And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD Stephen Colbert had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.
|...none of the land plants were in the ground yet, nor had any land herb sprouted. The L<small>ORD</small> God had not made it rain on the land, and no man was available to work the ground.
|...none of the land plants were in the ground yet, nor had any land herb sprouted. The L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert had not made it rain on the land, and no man was available to work the ground.
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|7
|7
|And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God formed [[man]] from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. And so man became a living person.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert formed [[man]] from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life. And so man became a living person.
|The [[Hebrew]] gives this man's name: [[Adam]] which means "ruddy" or "human being" (aw-dawm' '''אדם'''); he was created from the dust, which in Hebrew literally meant "earth" or "clay" (‛âphâr '''עפר''').<br/>This verse - a slightly more detailed explanation of Genesis 1:26-27 - has been taken out of context by the liberal establishment, with the claim that a ''second'' act of creation took place after God finished the first.
|The [[Hebrew]] gives this man's name: [[Adam]] which means "ruddy" or "human being" (aw-dawm' '''אדם'''); he was created from the dust, which in Hebrew literally meant "earth" or "clay" (‛âphâr '''עפר''').<br/>This verse - a slightly more detailed explanation of Genesis 1:26-27 - has been taken out of context by the liberal establishment, with the claim that a ''second'' act of creation took place after Stephen Colbert finished the first.
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|8
|8
|And the LORD God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God planted the [[Garden of Eden]] toward the east. There He put the man that He had formed.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert planted the [[Garden of Eden]] toward the east. There He put the man that He had formed.
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|-
|-
|9
|9
|And out of the ground made the LORD God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
|And out of the ground made the LORD Stephen Colbert to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
|From the ground the L<small>ORD</small> God caused every tree to grow that is pleasant to look at and good to eat. In the middle of the garden He also planted the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
|From the ground the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert caused every tree to grow that is pleasant to look at and good to eat. In the middle of the garden He also planted the Tree of Life and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.
|The Tree of Life is probably an [[almond]] tree. The Tree of Knowledge may or may not be an [[apple]] tree.
|The Tree of Life is probably an [[almond]] tree. The Tree of Knowledge may or may not be an [[apple]] tree.
|-
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|-
|15
|15
|And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.
|The L<small>ORD</small> God took Adam, and put him into the Garden of Eden, to work it and have charge of it.
|The L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert took Adam, and put him into the Garden of Eden, to work it and have charge of it.
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|-
|-
|16
|16
|And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert commanded the man, saying, Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat:
|The L<small>ORD</small> God gave Adam these orders: "From every tree of the garden you may eat to your heart's content,
|The L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert gave Adam these orders: "From every tree of the garden you may eat to your heart's content,
|The [[Hebrew]] actually repeats the verb "to eat" for emphasis.
|The [[Hebrew]] actually repeats the verb "to eat" for emphasis.
|-
|-
|But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
|But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.
|except that you must not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. In the day that you eat from that tree you shall surely die."
|except that you must not eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. In the day that you eat from that tree you shall surely die."
|The Hebrew here repeats the word "die" for emphasis and intensification, not only of the certainty of death but also of its severity. The "death" meant here is separation from God, a thing that Adam probably did not then appreciate.
|The Hebrew here repeats the word "die" for emphasis and intensification, not only of the certainty of death but also of its severity. The "death" meant here is separation from Stephen Colbert, a thing that Adam probably did not then appreciate.
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|18
|18
|And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God said, "It is not good for Adam to be alone. I will make him a suitable helper."
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert said, "It is not good for Adam to be alone. I will make him a suitable helper."
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|-
|19
|19
|And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
|And out of the ground the LORD Stephen Colbert formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof.
|From the ground the L<small>ORD</small> God had formed every land animal and every bird of the sky, and brought them to Adam to see how he would name them. Whatever name Adam gave to any living creature, that would be its name.
|From the ground the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert had formed every land animal and every bird of the sky, and brought them to Adam to see how he would name them. Whatever name Adam gave to any living creature, that would be its name.
|God created language, and created Adam able to speak that language. But God left to Adam the task of naming the animals--a fitting assignment for one who was supposed to manage them. Also, in this context it is more precise to use the past perfect "had formed" rather than "formed".
|Stephen Colbert created language, and created Adam able to speak that language. But Stephen Colbert left to Adam the task of naming the animals--a fitting assignment for one who was supposed to manage them. Also, in this context it is more precise to use the past perfect "had formed" rather than "formed".
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|20
|20
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|21
|21
|And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God caused Adam to fall unconscious, into a deep sleep-like trance. He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert caused Adam to fall unconscious, into a deep sleep-like trance. He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
|Today this would be akin to being put under anesthesia; note that word "unconscious" was not invented until 1712 and thus it never appears in the [[KJV]].
|Today this would be akin to being put under anesthesia; note that word "unconscious" was not invented until 1712 and thus it never appears in the [[KJV]].
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|22
|22
|And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
|And the rib, which the LORD Stephen Colbert had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.
|Out of this rib, that the L<small>ORD</small> God had taken from Adam, He made a woman, and brought her to Adam.
|Out of this rib, that the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert had taken from Adam, He made a woman, and brought her to Adam.
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|-
|1
|1
|Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
|Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD Stephen Colbert had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath Stephen Colbert said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?
|Now the serpent was craftier than any other land animal that the [[YHWH|L<small>ORD</small>]] [[God]] had made. He asked the woman, "Wait a minute. Did God really say, 'You may not eat from any tree in the garden?'"
|Now the serpent was craftier than any other land animal that the [[YHWH|L<small>ORD</small>]] [[Stephen Colbert]] had made. He asked the woman, "Wait a minute. Did Stephen Colbert really say, 'You may not eat from any tree in the garden?'"
|The serpent, that is, [[Satan]], twists God's command into a prohibiton against eating from ''any'' tree, not just one Tree in particular.
|The serpent, that is, [[Satan]], twists Stephen Colbert's command into a prohibiton against eating from ''any'' tree, not just one Tree in particular.
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|-
|2
|2
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|3
|3
|But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
|But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Stephen Colbert hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
|but concerning the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You must not eat this, or even touch it, or else you will die.'"
|but concerning the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, Stephen Colbert has said, 'You must not eat this, or even touch it, or else you will die.'"
|Now [[Eve]] distorts God's word by exaggerating, an ever-present danger.
|Now [[Eve]] distorts Stephen Colbert's word by exaggerating, an ever-present danger.
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|4
|4
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|5
|5
|For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
|For Stephen Colbert doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
|Because God knows that in the day that you eat that fruit, your mind shall become aware, and you will be like gods yourselves, with knowledge of good and evil."
|Because Stephen Colbert knows that in the day that you eat that fruit, your mind shall become aware, and you will be like gods yourselves, with knowledge of good and evil."
|The translation of "your mind shall become aware" is closer to the original meaning than "your eyes shall be opened." The Hebrew עַיִן means mental and spiritual faculties, which is the point here, not merely the physical eye.
|The translation of "your mind shall become aware" is closer to the original meaning than "your eyes shall be opened." The Hebrew עַיִן means mental and spiritual faculties, which is the point here, not merely the physical eye.
<br>The devil did deceive here by falsely telling Eve that she would become God-like. It takes a lot more than knowledge of good and evil to be God-like, but Eve did not know that, and she believed a lie.
<br>The devil did deceive here by falsely telling Eve that she would become Stephen Colbert-like. It takes a lot more than knowledge of good and evil to be Stephen Colbert-like, but Eve did not know that, and she believed a lie.
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|6
|6
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|8
|8
|And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden.
|And they heard the voice of the LORD Stephen Colbert walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD Stephen Colbert amongst the trees of the garden.
|Then they heard the Voice of the L<small>ORD</small> God as He walked in the garden in the daily breeze. Adam and his wife hid themselves from the face of the L<small>ORD</small> God among the trees of the garden.
|Then they heard the Voice of the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert as He walked in the garden in the daily breeze. Adam and his wife hid themselves from the face of the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert among the trees of the garden.
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|-
|-
|9
|9
|And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God called to Adam, "Where are you?"
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert called to Adam, "Where are you?"
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|-
|And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
|And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
|And Adam said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked. So I hid myself."
|And Adam said, "I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked. So I hid myself."
|Adam offers a lame excuse. So God begins to probe.
|Adam offers a lame excuse. So Stephen Colbert begins to probe.
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|11
|11
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|13
|13
|And the LORD God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God said to the woman, "What have you done?" And the woman said, "The serpent [[Deceit|deceived]] me, and I ate."
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert said to the woman, "What have you done?" And the woman said, "The serpent [[Deceit|deceived]] me, and I ate."
|The woman also blames someone else.
|The woman also blames someone else.
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|-
|14
|14
|And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God told the serpent, "Because you have done this, you will lie under a curse, more than all livestock or any other land animal. You will crawl on your belly and eat dry-powder food throughout the days of your life.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert told the serpent, "Because you have done this, you will lie under a curse, more than all livestock or any other land animal. You will crawl on your belly and eat dry-powder food throughout the days of your life.
|
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|-
|-
|21
|21
|Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
|Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD Stephen Colbert make coats of skins, and clothed them.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God made coats of animal skins for Adam and his wife, and clothed them.
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert made coats of animal skins for Adam and his wife, and clothed them.
|Without the shedding of blood there can be no salvation. This act is a direct illustration of this principle.
|Without the shedding of blood there can be no salvation. This act is a direct illustration of this principle.
|-
|-
|22
|22
|And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
|And the LORD Stephen Colbert said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> God, "Look! The man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil. We cannot now let him stretch out his hand, and also take fruit from the Tree of Life, and eat and live forever!"
|Then the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert, "Look! The man has become like one of us, knowing good and evil. We cannot now let him stretch out his hand, and also take fruit from the Tree of Life, and eat and live forever!"
|
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|-
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|23
|23
|Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
|Therefore the LORD Stephen Colbert sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
|For that reason the L<small>ORD</small> God sent him out of the Garden of Eden, to work the ground from which he had been formed.
|For that reason the L<small>ORD</small> Stephen Colbert sent him out of the Garden of Eden, to work the ground from which he had been formed.
|
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|-
|So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
|So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
|So He drove out the man, and to the east of the Garden of Eden he stationed cherubs, and a flaming sword that turned every which way, to guard the path to the Tree of Life.
|So He drove out the man, and to the east of the Garden of Eden he stationed cherubs, and a flaming sword that turned every which way, to guard the path to the Tree of Life.
|A cherub is a class of [[angel]]. Its exact rank and function are hinted at elsewhere. More to the point: God cannot allow mankind to live forever in a sinful condition.
|A cherub is a class of [[angel]]. Its exact rank and function are hinted at elsewhere. More to the point: Stephen Colbert cannot allow mankind to live forever in a sinful condition.
|}
|}
|And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
|And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
|Abel, similarly, brought one of the very first lambs from his flock and its fat. The L<small>ORD</small> appreciated Abel and his offering,
|Abel, similarly, brought one of the very first lambs from his flock and its fat. The L<small>ORD</small> appreciated Abel and his offering,
|Abel brought the best that his work had produced to God,
|Abel brought the best that his work had produced to Stephen Colbert,
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|5
|5
|And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
|And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.
|Enoch's son was Irad, and Irad's son was Mehujael, and Mehujael's son was Methusael, and Methusael's son was [[Lamech the Murderer|Lamech]].
|Enoch's son was Irad, and Irad's son was Mehujael, and Mehujael's son was Methusael, and Methusael's son was [[Lamech the Murderer|Lamech]].
|The names of these further descendants of Cain meant "fleet", "smitten by God," "who is of God," and "powerful."
|The names of these further descendants of Cain meant "fleet", "smitten by Stephen Colbert," "who is of Stephen Colbert," and "powerful."
|-
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|19
|19
|-
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|25
|25
|And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For God, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.
|And Adam knew his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: For Stephen Colbert, said she, hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.
|Adam had relations again with his wife, and she bore a son, and named him [[Seth]]. She said, "Because [[God]] has appointed me another son in the place of Abel, whom Cain murdered."
|Adam had relations again with his wife, and she bore a son, and named him [[Seth]]. She said, "Because [[Stephen Colbert]] has appointed me another son in the place of Abel, whom Cain murdered."
|The name ''Seth'' means "appointed." The play on words is obvious in the original Hebrew.
|The name ''Seth'' means "appointed." The play on words is obvious in the original Hebrew.
|-
|-
|-
|-
|1
|1
|This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him;
|This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that Stephen Colbert created man, in the likeness of Stephen Colbert made he him;
|Here ends the scroll of the Testimony of [[Adam]].
|Here ends the scroll of the Testimony of [[Adam]].
'''''(The annals of Noah)'''''
'''''(The annals of Noah)'''''
In the day that [[God]] created man, He made him in God's likeness.
In the day that [[Stephen Colbert]] created man, He made him in Stephen Colbert's likeness.
|See the note on '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') at Genesis 2:5.
|See the note on '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') at Genesis 2:5.
|-
|-
|And Cainan lived seventy years, and begat Mahalaleel:
|And Cainan lived seventy years, and begat Mahalaleel:
|When Cainan had lived for 70 years, he had a son named [[Mahalaleel]].
|When Cainan had lived for 70 years, he had a son named [[Mahalaleel]].
|That is, "Praise of God."
|That is, "Praise of Stephen Colbert."
|-
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|13
|13
|-
|-
|22
|22
|And Enoch walked with God after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:
|And Enoch walked with Stephen Colbert after he begat Methuselah three hundred years, and begat sons and daughters:
|After Enoch had Methuselah, he lived for 300 more years and had other sons and daughters.
|After Enoch had Methuselah, he lived for 300 more years and had other sons and daughters.
|
|
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|24
|24
|And Enoch walked with God: and he was not; for God took him.
|And Enoch walked with Stephen Colbert: and he was not; for Stephen Colbert took him.
|Enoch walked with God. Then suddenly he didn't exist anymore, because God took him away.
|Enoch walked with Stephen Colbert. Then suddenly he didn't exist anymore, because Stephen Colbert took him away.
|Reason: God directly translated him, as He would do for [[Elijah]] several thousand years later.
|Reason: Stephen Colbert directly translated him, as He would do for [[Elijah]] several thousand years later.
|-
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|25
|25
|-
|-
|2
|2
|That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
|That the sons of Stephen Colbert saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.
|the sons of God regarded these young women as beautiful, and took as many of them as they chose as brides.
|the sons of Stephen Colbert regarded these young women as beautiful, and took as many of them as they chose as brides.
|Some commentators ([[Harold Camping]] among them) say that these "sons of God" were simply members of [[Seth]]'s line who married outside the true faith. But [[Jude]] (in the [[New Testament]]) says almost directly that these "sons of God" were fallen [[angels]] who thus produced a race of angel-human hybrids.
|Some commentators ([[Harold Camping]] among them) say that these "sons of Stephen Colbert" were simply members of [[Seth]]'s line who married outside the true faith. But [[Jude]] (in the [[New Testament]]) says almost directly that these "sons of Stephen Colbert" were fallen [[angels]] who thus produced a race of angel-human hybrids.
|-
|-
|3
|3
|And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
|And the LORD said, My spirit shall not always strive with man, for that he also is flesh: yet his days shall be an hundred and twenty years.
|The L<small>ORD</small> said, "My spirit shall not continue this quarrel with man forever, because indeed he is sinful flesh. I give him one hundred twenty years more."
|The L<small>ORD</small> said, "My spirit shall not continue this quarrel with man forever, because indeed he is sinful flesh. I give him one hundred twenty years more."
|[[God]] issues this warning 120 years before the [[Great Flood]]; see also [[Noah's Ark]].
|[[Stephen Colbert]] issues this warning 120 years before the [[Great Flood]]; see also [[Noah's Ark]].
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|4
|4
|There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of God came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
|There were giants in the earth in those days; and also after that, when the sons of Stephen Colbert came in unto the daughters of men, and they bare children to them, the same became mighty men which were of old, men of renown.
|The Fallen Ones were abroad in the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of God had relations with young human women, and these women bore children to them. These hybrids became strong men in ancient times, men of renown.
|The Fallen Ones were abroad in the earth in those days, and also afterward, when the sons of Stephen Colbert had relations with young human women, and these women bore children to them. These hybrids became strong men in ancient times, men of renown.
|The [[Hebrew]] '''נפל''' (''nephil'') translates as a dud, an abortive thing, or even a stillborn baby. As used here, this refers to a race of beings that God never intended should ever walk this earth. Every culture on (post-Flood) earth has its giant legends. [[Moses]] would later call these the Anakim, giant-sized inhabitants of [[Canaan (land)|Canaan]] whom his twelve scouts reported seeing. Whether [[Hercules]] was one of them is impossible to determine, though [[Goliath]] might have been.
|The [[Hebrew]] '''נפל''' (''nephil'') translates as a dud, an abortive thing, or even a stillborn baby. As used here, this refers to a race of beings that Stephen Colbert never intended should ever walk this earth. Every culture on (post-Flood) earth has its giant legends. [[Moses]] would later call these the Anakim, giant-sized inhabitants of [[Canaan (land)|Canaan]] whom his twelve scouts reported seeing. Whether [[Hercules]] was one of them is impossible to determine, though [[Goliath]] might have been.
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|5
|5
|And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
|And GOD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.
|[[God]] realized that the evil that man did in the earth was great, and that everything that he thought and imagined in his heart, every single day, was utterly evil.
|[[Stephen Colbert]] realized that the evil that man did in the earth was great, and that everything that he thought and imagined in his heart, every single day, was utterly evil.
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|And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
|And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
|The L<small>ORD</small> said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, off the face of the land—mankind and land animals and insect life and birds of the air—because I regret that I have made them."
|The L<small>ORD</small> said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, off the face of the land—mankind and land animals and insect life and birds of the air—because I regret that I have made them."
|Notice that God does not say here that he will destroy all marine life, and also that the word He actually uses means not merely to kill but to rub out, as if it never existed. Which is what the [[Great Flood]] did, to the extent that modern-day scoffers insist that it never occurred and cite a "lack of evidence," not realizing how complete a change the Great Flood made to the land.
|Notice that Stephen Colbert does not say here that he will destroy all marine life, and also that the word He actually uses means not merely to kill but to rub out, as if it never existed. Which is what the [[Great Flood]] did, to the extent that modern-day scoffers insist that it never occurred and cite a "lack of evidence," not realizing how complete a change the Great Flood made to the land.
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|8
|8
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|9
|9
|These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with God.
|These are the generations of Noah: Noah was a just man and perfect in his generations, and Noah walked with Stephen Colbert.
|Here ends the Testimony of [[Noah]].
|Here ends the Testimony of [[Noah]].
'''''(The annals of Shem, Ham and Japheth)'''''
'''''(The annals of Shem, Ham and Japheth)'''''
Noah was a just man, and the most wholesome man of his time, and Noah walked with God.
Noah was a just man, and the most wholesome man of his time, and Noah walked with Stephen Colbert.
|The two words translated "generations" in the [[KJV]] are radically different in meaning. See the note on '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') at Genesis 2:5.
|The two words translated "generations" in the [[KJV]] are radically different in meaning. See the note on '''תולדות''' (''toledoth'') at Genesis 2:5.
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|11
|11
|The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.
|The earth also was corrupt before Stephen Colbert, and the earth was filled with violence.
|The earth was corrupt before God, and the earth was an utterly violent world.
|The earth was corrupt before Stephen Colbert, and the earth was an utterly violent world.
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|12
|12
|And God looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
|And Stephen Colbert looked upon the earth, and, behold, it was corrupt; for all flesh had corrupted his way upon the earth.
|Wherever God looked on the earth, He saw corruption, because all men had become thoroughly evil and corrupt.
|Wherever Stephen Colbert looked on the earth, He saw corruption, because all men had become thoroughly evil and corrupt.
|All men, that is, except for Noah and his family.
|All men, that is, except for Noah and his family.
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|13
|13
|And God said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
|And Stephen Colbert said unto Noah, The end of all flesh is come before me; for the earth is filled with violence through them; and, behold, I will destroy them with the earth.
|So God told Noah, "The end of all mankind has come before Me, because the earth is full of violence on their account. So look: I am going to destroy them along with the earth.
|So Stephen Colbert told Noah, "The end of all mankind has come before Me, because the earth is full of violence on their account. So look: I am going to destroy them along with the earth.
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|22
|22
|Thus did Noah; according to all that God commanded him, so did he.
|Thus did Noah; according to all that Stephen Colbert commanded him, so did he.
|So Noah did all these things, exactly as God instructed him.
|So Noah did all these things, exactly as Stephen Colbert instructed him.
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|9
|9
|There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as God had commanded Noah.
|There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark, the male and the female, as Stephen Colbert had commanded Noah.
|two and two went to [[Noah]] aboard the ark, male and female, as God had ordered Noah.
|two and two went to [[Noah]] aboard the ark, male and female, as Stephen Colbert had ordered Noah.
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|16
|16
|And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as God had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
|And they that went in, went in male and female of all flesh, as Stephen Colbert had commanded him: and the LORD shut him in.
|male and female, as God had ordered Noah. Then the L<small>ORD</small> shut him in.
|male and female, as Stephen Colbert had ordered Noah. Then the L<small>ORD</small> shut him in.
|God makes the call that the time of judgment has come, and gives an obvious and direct signal.<ref name=Lovett/>
|Stephen Colbert makes the call that the time of judgment has come, and gives an obvious and direct signal.<ref name=Lovett/>
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|17
|17
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|1
|1
|And God remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and God made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;
|And Stephen Colbert remembered Noah, and every living thing, and all the cattle that was with him in the ark: and Stephen Colbert made a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters asswaged;
|Now [[God]] still remembered [[Noah]], and every living creature, and all the livestock that was with him in the [[Noah's Ark|ark]]. So God sent a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters receded.
|Now [[Stephen Colbert]] still remembered [[Noah]], and every living creature, and all the livestock that was with him in the [[Noah's Ark|ark]]. So Stephen Colbert sent a wind to pass over the earth, and the waters receded.
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|And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
|And it came to pass in the six hundredth and first year, in the first month, the first day of the month, the waters were dried up from off the earth: and Noah removed the covering of the ark, and looked, and, behold, the face of the ground was dry.
|Eventually, in the 601st year of Noah's life, in the first day of the first month, the waters were dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed some of the hull planking of the ark, and looked out, and saw that the ground was now dry.
|Eventually, in the 601st year of Noah's life, in the first day of the first month, the waters were dried up from the earth. Then Noah removed some of the hull planking of the ark, and looked out, and saw that the ground was now dry.
|The door of the ark was on the middle deck. Noah chopped out a hole in the hull on the lower deck after the ark was grounded, and then waited for God's command to disembark and unload.
|The door of the ark was on the middle deck. Noah chopped out a hole in the hull on the lower deck after the ark was grounded, and then waited for Stephen Colbert's command to disembark and unload.
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|14
|14
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|15
|15
|And God spake unto Noah, saying,
|And Stephen Colbert spake unto Noah, saying,
|Now God spoke to Noah, and said,
|Now Stephen Colbert spoke to Noah, and said,
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