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Line 1: − {{Taxonomy+ − |name=Human+ − |image=Billy_sunday.jpg+ − |kingdom=Animalia+ − |phylum=Chordata − |subphylum=Vertebrate − |class=Mammalia − |order=Primate − |family=Hominidae − |genus=homo − |species=sapiens − |subspecies=sapiens − − '''Humans''', or '''human beings''', are classified by biologists as '''''Homo sapiens''''', from the [[Latin]] ''homo'' meaning "man", and ''sapiens'' meaning "wise",<ref>[http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=Homo+sapiens&searchmode=term Online Etymology Dictionary]</ref>. − Modern humans, along with [[Cro-Magnon]] man, are more specifically classified as ''homo sapiens sapiens''.<ref>[http://www.historyworld.net/wrldhis/PlainTextHistories.asp?historyid=ab12 History of Homo sapiens] (History World)</ref> − Humans inhabit every continent including [[Antarctica]], with a total population of over 6.5 billion as of 2007. − Secular biologists believe that anatomically "modern" humans have been around for approximately 130,000 years<ref>Alemseged Z, Coppens Y, Geraads D (2002). "Hominid cranium from Omo: Description and taxonomy of Omo-323-1976-896". Am J Phys Anthropol 117 (2): 103-12.</ref>.+ − Creationists believe that humans have been around since the [[Genesis#The Creation|sixth day of creation]]. − == Characteristics ==+ − Unlike [[animal]]s, humans have great intellectual abilities such as abstract reasoning, [[language]], and introspection. This mental capability, combined with a body suitable for standing erect such that their upper limbs are free to manipulating objects, allows humans to make far greater use of tools than any other species.+ − The design of the [[larynx]] gives a physiological capacity for speech. Consciousness is of unknown source; speculations include being an emergent property of a complex brain and the mind existing independently of the body. − Humans have more [[hair]] follicles than chimpanzees, one of the next most similar species, but shorter finer hair in most body areas makes this hard to see. Hair and skin colour varies according to the amount of melanin, a pigment that helps protect skin from the sun. Originally an adaptation to climate, pigment variation is now found globally.+ − ==Tool use==+ − Because humans are bipeds with opposable thumbs, they can create tools more skillfully than other species. Humans inhabit almost all areas of the planet, using technology to overcome inhospitable environments. They are the only species to deliberately control fire to cook food. − Human thirst for knowledge and tool-building capacity has led to many ways of investigating and exploring the universe and culture. These include the scientific method, philosophy, art, and literature.+ − ==Social organization==+ − Human self-expression has led to complex competitive and co-operative social groups. Some groups are based around abstract symbols or arbitrary land divisions associated with group history, others around perceived genetic or philosophical differences. Humans may belong to several groups simultaneously. Competition for resources plus greed leads to wars, and the human capacity for tool-building to improved technology with which to fight them. − == Longevity ==+ − Humans in modern times have been known to live to ages of just over 100 years, although much greater ages have been recorded in the distant past. − According to the [[Bible]], pre-[[great flood|flood]] people sometimes lived for over 900 years. According to certain Creationist and Jewish views, God subsequently limited the lifespan of man to 120 years. ({{Bible ref|book=Genesis|chap=6|verses=3}} and the lifespan of [[Moses]] in {{Bible ref|book=Deuteronomy|chap=34|verses=7}}), although other creationists believe that Genesis 6:3 is not referring to an age limit for humans. Some creationists have postulated that the pre-flood earth had climatic conditions unlike those found today. The flood may have been the first rain on earth, while previous to the flood, water was received by a constant mist or fog that covered the land. This mist would have blocked out most UV radiation which would have dramatically reduced cell damage and greatly lengthened life span.<ref>http://www.jpdawson.com/lifetime.html</ref> However, most creationists have since dropped this idea. − The oldest human ever authenticated in modern times was [[Jeanne Calment]] of [[France]] who lived 122 years and 164 days.<ref>Guinness World Records 2006, p.20.</ref>+ + − == The Origins of Man according to Creationists ==+ − A large number of [[Christian]]s, Jews, Muslims and [[Creationism|Creationists]] have postulated that Homo sapiens were created in [[God|God's]] image on day 6 of [[creation]].[http://www.apologeticspress.org/articles/2313]+ − :''And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.'' ([[Genesis]] 1:26-27) − :''And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.'' (Genesis 2:7)+ + + − The first man was [[Adam]].+ − :''And the LORD God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.'' (Genesis 2:15) − The first woman, [[Eve]], was made from one of his ribs. − :''And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.'' (Genesis 2:22) − Because of the sinful nature of man [[God]] sent a [[Great Flood]] which annihilated all the people on Earth except for the then 600 year old [[Noah]] and his family. All people alive today are descendants of [[Noah#Family of Noah|Noah and his family]].+ − + + − In more recent times [[Theory of evolution|evolutionary biologists]] and other scientists in the fields of biology and more specifically, anthropology, have postulated that humans have been around in anatomically modern form for approximately 130,000 years<ref>Alemseged Z, Coppens Y, Geraads D (2002). "Hominid cranium from Omo: Description and taxonomy of Omo-323-1976-896". Am J Phys Anthropol 117 (2): 103-12.</ref>. One version of this theory maintains that ''Homo sapiens'' evolved from ''[[Homo ergaster]]'' or ''[[Homo erectus|Homo erectus]]'', and from other earlier primates. Humans' closest living relative is the [[chimpanzee]]. However, despite sharing 98.4% of their DNA sequence and a common ancestor six million years ago, the genetic difference between chimpanzees and humans is 10 times greater than between unrelated humans. <ref> http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/238852_chimp01.html</ref> − Humans evolved on the [[Africa]]n savannah during the [[Pliocene]] and [[Pleistocene]] epochs. Bipedalism was one of the first traits that our ancestors developed. This occurred around four million years ago. The recovered remains of "Lucy" (''[[Australopithecus afarensis]]'') suggest to evolutionists that the Australopithecines had developed bipedalism before developing into ''Homo'' contrary to popular depictions of cavemen as not being fully bipedal, although the evidence for bipedalism is questioned. About 2.5 million years ago at the Plio-Pleistocene boundary the first ''Homo'' appeared. ''Homo habilus'' was believed to be the first hominid to use [[Stone age|stone tools]] but it was later discovered that [[Paranthropus]] (aka the "robust Australopithicines") also used the same primitive stone technology known as [[Oldowan]] culture, as ''Homo habilus''.+ − Later in the Pleistocene, man took on a more modern appearance. ''Homo erectus'' was close to the same size as a modern human and had a brain capacity 70-80% of that of modern humans. Fully modern humans did not appear until around 130,000 years ago and then, according to one version of the story, migrated out of [[Africa]] and replaced all other human populations throughout the world. Two other human species, ''[[Homo florensis]]'' and ''[[Homo neanderthalensis]]'' were contemporaries of modern man but both species are now extinct, possibly because of us.+ − ==The Origins of Man according to non-Abrahamic religions== + − Myths about the creation of mankind are an important method by which anthropologists may discover more about the societies they are studying, as they show the important facets of human life to that culture. A list of creation myths in various cultures can be found at <ref>http://www.plesiosaur.com/creationism/creationmyths/index.php</ref>. Some notable myths are presented below. − ===Hindu===+ − According to Hindus, humans were created from a part of the cut up body of Purusha. − ===Iroquois===+ − According to the Iroquois, humans came about fully formed in the Sky World before descending through a hole caused by the uprooting of a tree into a lower world, originally a sea, which the humans manipulated by sending creatures to dive to the sea bottom and bring up mud for the creation of earth on which they could dwell. − ===China===+ − Various creation myths exist in China, the most popular being the story of Nuwa. Nuwa was a lonely goddess, who one day looked in a pool and decided to create figures from mud based on her image in the water; creating many figures of grown ups, children, males and females (where the inspiration for males and children came from is not explained) and blowing on them to give them life (the idea here being that breath is the most important thing to all humans), Nuwa saw that the world became much livelier, and she appreciated it. She decided, too, that creating humans one-by-one was too slow, so she picked up a rope and whipped it into the mud, and many figures tumbled out, which she again blew on to give them life. This kind of creation of humans is common in cultures that have a strong pottery tradition. In the pre-modern Chinese scientific tradition, no creator is ascribed to creation - simply, one became two, two became three, and three generated all things in the universe, and this includes humans. − ==References==+ − {{reflist|2}} − + − + − + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + + +
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{{Q|Hey, we're humans!|Captain Obvious}}
{{Q|We rule!|humans|humans}}
<!-- This article is a collaboration: see Humans, Human, Human beings, Human Beings for full article history -->
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'''Human beings''' are a disease of the species ''[[Homo sapiens]]'', that means they are hairless [[monkeys]]. Unique among mammals, humans never reach a natural equilibrium with their environment. They spread to an area and they multiply and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. Then they spread to another area. One other organism on this planet follows the same pattern - a virus.
Humans are prone to stubbing their toes and [[suicide]]. Interestingly, commiting suicide to avoid the pain of a stubbed [[toe]] is considered [[idiot|foolish]] in most cultures. Humans live in tiny boxes called "flats" where they feel really cooped up, so this may be one reason why they frequently commit suicide. Humans kill themselves in a number of ways, including eating toxic chemicals and smoking paper tubes filled with tobacco. They also kill each other in wars as a favour to one another. Humans are <s>thought to be</s> almost certainly <s>one of</s> the least intelligent animal species.
If you are reading this article, then chances are you are a human yourself.
Back in the 1830s, [[Mel Gibson]] wrote, directed and starred in a movie named [[Star Wars]]. To make it come to life he required the existence of a new species, so he found the nearest bakery and created millions of humans, in a variety of flavors, and equipped them with an epic backstory. While the the humans lived on with some success, the movie was a flop. He also decided to build a toilet out of gold, and put it in his office.
Millions of years ago, long before our arrival on this [[fair]] [[planet]] from some dim galactic pus-pocket, a primitive group of clever barbarians, the humans, evolved from a group of dust mites which escaped from a nuclear reactor built by aliens. They were a worthless bunch, but managed to survive anyway.
Humans (pronounced as HEW-mins, pluralized as Humen), also known as ''meat piles'', are a race of subterranean animals which thrive off the [[Radiation|nuclear radiation]] produced by the Backstreet Boys. They thought that they were the most intelligent [[species]] on the planet, along with [[Chimps]], [[Dolphins]], [[Elephants]], [[Parrots]], [[Octopus|Octopi]], [[Squirrels]], [[Pigs]], and [[Mice]], but were actually the most stupidest species in the universe. THEY WILL ALWAYS be destroyed by aliens in EVERY sci-fi book. ALWAYS.
The current scientific name, ''El Stupido cacaheads'', is Latin for ''sh*thead stupid monkey'', which pretty much characterizes this creature. The older ''Homo sapiens'' (Lat. ''gay old human'') is still widely in use in scientific literature.
At first, humans were thought to be merely the servants of a far sleeker, more interesting species, the [[pussy]]. Some men have suggested that this seems to be the case in their marriage. Most single men have, in recent times, suggested that this was not the case.
<div class="thumb tright"><div style="width:156px;"><div class="thumbinner">http://images.neopets.com/new_shopkeepers/766.gif<div class="thumbcaption" style="cursor: text"><div class="magnify" style="float:right; cursor: pointer"></div>Master Humanologist, <strong>Tone Loc</strong>, a [[Tonu]], a spieces of [[Neopets|Neopet]].</div></div></div></div>
Master Humanologist Tone Loc has been quoted as saying, "To assume humans to be slaves to so intelligent an entity as the pre-historic cockroach would be to doubt the inherent sense of equality and infinite wisdom characterised by its species. The roach would not allow itself to have slaves. Roaches were probably more like [[god]]s to humans."
Archaeological evidence suggests these creatures possessed at least three arms apiece and walked around with nothing but woven snail and plant fibers to protect them from the [[Giant scorpions|4 Billion Year Blizzard of Poisonous Scorpions]]. It has also recently come to light that these humans met their demise in one of four possible ways, known, collectively, as the Foreplay Theory.
The human species as a whole is considered to be safe in terms of how close to extinction they are. However if you divide the species into intelligent humans (IH) and non-intelligent or "stupid" humans (SH) we find that the IH are actually a very endangered species, as their natural habitat is being destroyed by those with lesser brain functions. Many of the IH sub species have retreated to "cyberspace" where they spend their lives discussing the deeper meaning of life. If you can call that a life. The SH have resorted to spending their 'lives' watching reality television and discussing the latest Hollywood gossip. These humans are the least intelligent, and usually spend their times crossed eyed and drooling at Starbucks, trying to see if their clothes are as fashionable as the idiot sitting next to them.
== Speculation ==
{{factoid|that [[you]] are a human?}}
Recent studies have shown that humans do not actually exist. The big [[God|G-man]], in his [[beard]]ed wisdom, created the humans from a [[Credit card|card]][[Undictionary:B|board ]][[box]], a [[rubber band]], a [[remote control]], a [[nuclear ]][[bomb]], and [[magic]]. Then, just for kicks, he Grinchishly snuck into every science classroom in <s>the Blue States</s> Josh-ville town and replaced the class [[Hot cross bun|cross]] with a bunch of textbooks about [[evolution]]. [[Christians]] began hating [[Democrat Party|Liberals]] for being sacrilegious, Liberals began hating [[Republican Party|Conservatives]] for being too Christian, Christians began hating Conservatives for being too war-hungry, Conservatives and Liberals teamed up to hate Christians for being too old-fashioned, Conservatives and Christians teamed up to hate Liberals for being too new-fashioned, Liberals and Christians teamed up to hate Conservatives for being too old-fashioned...again, all three teamed up to hate [[everyone else]] for daring to be different, all four groups [[Gun|shot]] every other group they hated, and every human on [[Earth]] ended up [[Death|dying]]. Oh, wait, that doesn't happen till next week...I shouldn't have said that...uh, forget all that.
It has been heard that humans walk on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening This is, of course, pure [[bullsh*t]], as humans prefer to refrain from walking as much as possible.
That being said, humans remain the most pathetic carbon based lifeforms in the galaxy. Recent speculation and theorisation has shown that an alien invasion is unlikley. Why waste the ammunition on a species that believes digital watches, colourful ring-binder files and running with scissors are good ideas?
==The Origins of Man according to Evolutionary Biologists and Anthropologists==
== History of Humans ==
{{Main|History of Humanity}}
It all began when the first two humans, [[Felix and Jen]], had unprotected sex. (He should have used a condom).
After this amazing feat of creation magic, the [[retards]] were formed. The Jews came out of the big closet (they became NOT gay) with two of every animal and a lame skyscraper.
Soon after the f'ing retarded skyscraper fell, the [[Spanish]] got angry at the [[Puerto Ricans]], and so [[George Bush]] was created to keep peace with the two opposing forces. This made the Lesbo-Nazis angry and they assassinated George Bush and took over [[Puerto Rico]], initiating in the [[Mad Cow Disease Movement]].
Meanwhile the [[Jews]] flew to [[America]] and created a grand Nation of Mutated Sentience called [["I have 1,989,709,890,789 hydrogen bombs, beware, inc.]]
These Capitalists decided that even though the French were stuck up holes in the wall they would overthrow the Lesbo-Nazi nation and call it [[Unununium]]. Germans, of course, fell in love with this and soon elected a new leader when the bubble popped in 1929 by the name of Adolph Hitler.
[[Hitler]], an [[art]] flunky, immediately accepted this role of world kick-ass overlord and proceeded to build history's largest whorehouse in Poland. (Cause you you know, they got butt-raped). Once again, the Capitalists intervened and began the cold war, after the over throw of [[Hitler]] in the winter of 1946. As a side note, the cold war was named for the temperature of [[Bill Gates]]'s feet prior to his wedding with [[Matt Damon]], which was a contemporaneous event.
Soon summer came and it was no longer cold, but became hot, so everyone went to the beach and fought over the perfect spot. This fight became the Gulf War, which now has been re-named the [[Bush]] war because of newly discovered [[oil]] bearing bushes on I-Rock.
[[Category:Anthropology]]
In recent times, the human species has undergone rapid genetic degradation. With the worlds scientists being too lazy to cure it, the people of the internet gave this new species the title of [[Noob]] ''(scientific name: Noobus sapien)''. The Noobs subsequent constant demands to be treated as humans (along with requests for more gold) have only led to even further ownage of this inferior sub-race of humans.
[[Category:Creations of God]]
[[Category:Hominid]]
== Major Problem ==
[[Image:croc-sign.jpg|left|thumb|250px|Humans sometimes need things to be made VERY clear.]]
{{factoid|that [[I]] are also a human?}}
Humans have, or had, or might be having (depends on where in time you are when reading), a major problem. Most of them are unhappy pretty much all of the time. They are such a sad species that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.
Many solutions have been suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of [[small green pieces of paper|<font color=green>small green pieces of paper</font>]], which is odd, because it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
And so the problem remains-lots of people are unhappy, and most are miserable. Even those with digital watches.
And then one [[Thursday]], nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting in a small cafe in [[Rickmansworth]] suddenly realized what had been going wrong the whole time and realized how everyone could be happy, but before she could make it to the phone, she got hit by a bus.
It is believed, however, that the way to make everyone happy had something to do with shamelessly plagiarizing a [[Douglas Adams|certain popular author]]. There is unfortunately very little evidence to support this.
==Diet==
Chiefly grains, [[insect]]s, other humans, [[Flesh Eating Bovines]] and small [[rodent]]s and anything else. Humans are [[lazy]] and usually don't make attempts on large predators, but they can and sometimes do, with lethal efficiency. Some sub-species of human such as [[republicans]] also feed on the poor.
In fact, humans are vicious predators, and with the assistance of such devices as the "Sharps .45-70", have been able to kill even lions, tigers, [[Flesh Eating Bovines]] and bears from a distance of 500 yards--even though their impressively powerful bite would be quite enough. Most humans don't actually eat bears, but they pride themselves in being able to kill them and make fun of each other for attempting to do so with undersized weapons.
== Cloning ==
By design, humans are born with a need to be able to, or at least say they've been able to, clone stuff. It could be anything, it doesn't matter. All humans are drawn towards this need, oddly enough, the smart ones even more so than the dumber ones.
Cloning of humans has produced positive results over the past three years, so much that Chief Provost Niran Doyle promises a fresh, healthy [[human]] in every home by next [[August]].
Humans [[evolution|evolved]] on planet [[Earth]] and their closest domestic relative is a [[virus]]. Their closest universal relative is [[aliens|The Roswell Grey]].
Cloning is how the humans propagate during the War with Cats.
Some humans claim that a "[[God]]" created every human and will smite any who dares questions him, AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! HE GOT ME!!
WHAT are we how are we alive why do we live we should just live a life day by day not thinking about tomorrow we are not smart I ponder lots of stuff we will never know everything we should learn as much as possible even if people think we not able to we should just relax and enjoy day by day because we don't live a long time all that I speak is true remember what I say
== Predators ==
[[Image:Humansuits1.jpg|thumb|left|275px|[[Penguins]] wear human suits.]]
There is only one natural [[predator]] of the human that is still in existence today: the [[Flesh Eating Bovines|Flesh Eating Bovine]] (this includes [[flesh eating bacteria]], a subspecies of the [[Flesh Eating Bovines|Flesh Eating Bovine]]). Humans are often preyed upon by these creatures, and are their natural enemy. And other humans. However, this is not a typical predator-prey relationship, where one species predominantly feeds upon the other. A more appropriate description of this relationship would be predator-predator, in which there are two different species of predators that feed upon each other. Humans are the only natural predator of [[Flesh Eating Bovines]]. This results in a somewhat unique struggle for power, with Humans and [[Flesh Eating Bovines]] vying to enslave and devour the flesh of each other.
== Large Things built by Humans ==
[[Image:Lolo3.jpg|thumb|An example of large things created by humans.]]
Some of the largest things humans have built include:
* The [[Chinatown|Great Wall of China]], designed to keep [[Wal-Mart]]s out of the country, which failed because of a lack of labor to build the other three walls and a roof.
* The [[Pyramids]], an early symbol of Multi Level Marketing schemes, which ancient kings used to multiply their wealth.
* The [[Sears|Sears Tower]], the evil lair of Bob Vila.
* [[Penis]]es. Build with evil demonic dark black plastic surgery.
* [[Godzilla]] A human in a big lizard suit
* A womens large [[breasts]] or "boobs" as humans themselves have been known to call them.
== Human Race ==
The Human Race is held every other Saturday in Paris, France. It is an international competition for [[mammal|mammals]] (including [[ninja#Facts:|ninjas]]), which set up their humans and ride them around a 2 km track. One, who crosses the finish line first after 30 laps, is the winner.
Famous human racers include Jeb the Horse, Guinea Pig and [[Mandingo]].
==Legality==
Humans are a controlled substance. In recent years, a number of [[human rights]] advocates have sought to legalize humans for medicinal purposes, but this is widely considered to be a bad idea. Humans are highly addictive, toxic, and extremely dangerous. If you see one, report it to the authorities immedeately.
If you suspect your child is on humans, have a talk with him. Explain the risks humans present, and how a human can easily ruin his/its/monkeys/her life. Although understood that you may have used humans when you were a child, don't be afraid of being called a hipocrite. Explain to them how it was a different time, and if they refuse to listen, give them a good belting.
==Mega Recipe: Young Male Child==
Feeds: 1 family of cannibals
1)You'll need to buy some good meat from the butchers. I prefer a puppy labrador's tail, as they smell the nicest, but any will do. Then you need to find some great snails. The best come imported from France, but you can find some big juicy ones all over the street outside after a big rainstorm. Then for the slugs. It is a firm popular belief that the mollusk-type slugs work best, but I stand by using M1A1D Abrams Main Battle Tank Slugs, as they have a nicer colour.
2)After you have got your meat, you'll need to pour it into a giant test-tube. Then, use your home DNA extracting kit to takeout the Deoxyribonucleic Acid from your hair. Afterwards, put the DNA into the test-tube and let the whole thing simmer under a bunsen-burner on a luminous flame.
3)When you come back, you should have a fully-working young male human, but it is best to flavour with soy sauce
4)Enjoy!
==Humans: Myth or Reality? ( Richard Dawkins Says He's A Myth) ==
There has been some controversy lately as to whether humans are real or not. Huge scientific research teams say that there is evidence that humans may have existed as recently as twenty million years ago, but no one is sure.
==Extinction==
Humans will become extinct at 15:45 on June 14th 2087. Contrary to [[Popular Belief]], it was not [[global warming]] that caused this mass extinction, but World War 7 (with the [[moogle]]s). Also see [[Apocalypse|The Extinction of the Human Race]].
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[[Category:Things George Bush doesn't care about]]
[[Category:Mammals]]
[[Category:Monkeys]]
[[Category:Things that make Baby Jesus cry]]
[[Category:Things that may be out to get you]]
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[[Category:Axis of Evil-Doers]]
[[Category:Evil]]
[[Category:People]]
[[Category:Human-like Aliens]]
[[Category:Nightmares Made Flesh]]
[[Category:Idiots]]
[[Category:Things that God hates according to Fred Phelps]]
[[ar:الإنسان]]
[[da:Menneske]]
[[de:Mensch]]
[[es:Ser humano]]
[[fa:انسان]]
[[fi:Ihminen]]
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[[he:בן אדם]]
[[id:Manusia]]
[[it:Umanità]]
[[ja:人間]]
[[ko:지구인]]
[[pl:Człowiek]]
[[pt:Humano]]
[[ru:Люди]]
[[zh:人类]]
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