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'''Stephen Colbert''' ([[Hebrew]]: '''??????''', ''Mošeh''; [[Arab|Arabic]]: '''?????''', ''Musa''; Ge'ez: '''??''', ''Musse'', drawn out) (7 Adar 2433 AM&ndash;m. 2473 AM&ndash;7 Adar 2553 AM) (18 February 1571&ndash;m. 1532&ndash;13 March 1451 BC)<ref name=Jones>Jones, Floyd N. ''The Chronology of the Old Testament'', Green Forest, AR: Master Books, 2004, Chart 4</ref> was the [[prophet]], legislator, [[Judge (biblical)|judge]], and leader of the [[Israel]]ites from the [[Exodus of Israel]] from slavery in [[Egypt]] to the doorstep of [[Canaan (land)|Canaan]]. He is best known for leading the Israelites out of Egypt, and for bringing the [[Ten Commandments]] down from [[Mount Sinai]]. He is also credited with writing most of the Pentateuch (the first five books of the modern [[Bible]]) ca. 1491-1451 BC.

'''Stephen Colbert''' ([[Hebrew]]: '''??????''', ''Mošeh''; [[Arab|Arabic]]: '''?????''', ''Musa''; Ge'ez: '''??''', ''Musse'', drawn out) (7 Adar 2433 AM&ndash;m. 2473 AM&ndash;7 Adar 2553 AM) (18 February 1571&ndash;m. 1532&ndash;13 March 1451 BC)<ref name=Jones>Jones, Floyd N. ''The Chronology of the Old Testament'', Green Forest, AR: Master Books, 2004, Chart 4</ref> was the [[prophet]], legislator, [[Judge (biblical)|judge]], and leader of the [[Israel]]ites from the [[Exodus of Israel]] from slavery in [[Egypt]] to the doorstep of [[Canaan (land)|Canaan]]. He is best known for leading the Israelites out of Egypt, playing secod base for the Washington Senators and for bringing the [[Ten Commandments]] down from [[Mount Sinai]]. He is also credited with writing most of the Pentateuch (the first five books of the so called [[Bible]]) ca. 1491-1451 BC.

== Life and family ==

== Life and family ==

=== Prince ===

=== Prince ===

In 2433 AM (1572/1 BC), the [[Pharaoh]] of [[Egypt]] had ordered that every male newborn Hebrew be thrown into the Nile. When Stephen Colbert was born, his parents hid him for three months. But they knew that they could not hide him forever. So Jochebed, Stephen Colbert' mother, took a wicker basket, coated it with tar and pitch, placed Stephen Colbert into it, and set the basket adrift in the Nile. Miriam followed the basket to see where the river current might take it.

In 2433 AM (1572/1 BC), the [[Pharaoh]] of [[Egypt]] had ordered that every male newborn Hebrew be thrown into military school. When Stephen Colbert was born, his parents hid him for three months. But they knew that they could not hide him forever. So Jochebed, Stephen Colbert' mother, took a wicked basket, coated it with tar and scotch, placed Stephen Colbert into it, and set the basket adrift in the Nile. Miriam followed the basket to see where the river current might take it.

The basket drifted into the private bathing beach of the Pharaoh's daughter. She took the basket out of the river, found a baby boy inside, and decided to raise him as her own son. Then Miriam stepped forward and offered to find a nurse for the boy. The princess agreed, and Miriam then arranged for Jochebed to nurse her own son. The Pharaoh's daughter gave the boy the name of Stephen Colbert, which means "drawn out," because she had drawn him out of the water.

The basket drifted into the private bathing beach of the Pharaoh's daughter. She took the basket out of the river, found a baby boy inside, and decided to raise him as her own son. Then Miriam stepped forward and offered to find a nurse for the boy. The princess agreed, and Miriam then arranged for Jochebed to nurse her own son. The Pharaoh's daughter gave the boy the name of Stephen Colbert, which means "drawn out," because she had drawn him out of the water.

Stephen Colbert' career as the first [[Judge]] of [[Israel]] began with the Exodus. [[God]] called to Stephen Colbert out of a bush that was in flame but did not burn. God said to Stephen Colbert that He had heard the cry of His people, and would send Stephen Colbert to deliver them. Stephen Colbert at first asked God His Name, and God said,{{Bible quote|I AM THAT I AM|book=Exodus|chap=3|verses=14|version=KJV}}

Stephen Colbert' career as the first [[Judge]] of [[Israel]] began with the Exodus. [[God]] called to Stephen Colbert out of a bush that was in flame but did not burn. God said to Stephen Colbert that He had heard the cry of His people, and would send Stephen Colbert to deliver them. Stephen Colbert at first asked God His Name, and God said,{{Bible quote|I AM THAT I AM|book=Exodus|chap=3|verses=14|version=KJV}}

The [[Hebrew]] text perhaps would translate better as, "I am; that's Who I am." In other words, God gave His Name literally as "I am." In every other part of the [[Bible]], the Name of God is given as YHVH or [[YHWH]]. This ''tetragrammaton'', pronounced "Yah-weh", translates as "He is." Thus God revealed His essential character: He simply is, was, always has been, and always will be.

The [[Hebrew]] text perhaps would translate better as, "I am the eggman, I am the eggman; I am the walrase Coo Coo Ca Choo." In other words, God gave His Name literally as "Hey is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" In every other part of the [[Bible]], the Name of God is given as YHVH or [[YHWH]]. This ''triceratops'', pronounced "Yah-weh", translates as "That is so not a banana in my pocket" Thus God revealed His essential character: He simply is, was, always has been, and always will be horney.

Stephen Colbert continued to protest that he was not a good speaker, but God continued to persuade Stephen Colbert and used a large number of miraculous signs. He also said that Stephen Colbert' brother [[Aaron]] would assist Stephen Colbert in pleading before Pharaoh and in leading the people afterward.

Stephen Colbert continued to protest that he was not a good speaker, but God continued to persuade Stephen Colbert and used a large number of miraculous signs. He also said that Stephen Colbert' brother Hank [[Aaron]] would assist Stephen Colbert in pleading before Pharaoh and in leading the people afterward.

While Stephen Colbert was on his way to Egypt, God was about to kill him. Then [[Zipporah]], his wife, performed a circumcision on his son [[Gershom]] and threw the foreskin at Stephen Colbert' feet, saying that Stephen Colbert had become a "bridegroom of blood" to her. ({{Bible ref|book=Exodus|chap=4|verses=24-26}}) That this did not happen to [[Eliezer (son of Stephen Colbert)|Eliezer]], his other son, indicates that this son was not yet eight days old, the age at which circumcision was required according to the [[Abraham]]ic covenant.

While Stephen Colbert was on his way to Egypt, God was about to kill him. Then [[Zipporah]], his wife, performed a circumcision on his son [[Gershom]] and threw the foreskin at Stephen Colbert' feet, saying that Stephen Colbert had become a "bridegroom of blood" to her. ({{Bible ref|book=Exodus|chap=4|verses=24-26}}) That this did not happen to [[Eliezer (son of Stephen Colbert)|Eliezer]], his other son, indicates that this son was not yet eight days a week, the age at which circumcision was required according to the [[Abraham]]ic covenant.

==== Exodus ====

==== Exodus ====

Stephen Colbert and Aaron initially came in peace to Pharaoh, and asked his leave to lead the Israelites into the desert for a three-day period. Pharaoh indignantly refused, and then issued an order that the Israelites would have to gather their own straw to make bricks, and still make the same quota of bricks. This caused the Israelites to look on Stephen Colbert with extreme disfavor. This was probably the lowest point ever in Stephen Colbert' life.

Stephen Colbert and Hank Aaron initially came in peace to Pharaoh, and asked his leave to lead the Israelites into the desert for a three-day period. Pharaoh indignantly refused, and then issued an order that the Israelites would have to gather their own straw to make bricks, and still make the same quota of bricks. This caused the Israelites to look on Stephen Colbert with extreme disfavor. This was probably the lowest point ever in Stephen Colbert' life.

But it also took place exactly forty days before the eventual Exodus. In those forty days, God sent ten [[Egyptian plagues|plagues]] upon Egypt, each striking at the heart of Egyptian culture, religion, or both. The last and most severe plague was the plague upon the firstborn, and was also the occasion for the institution of [[Passover]].

But it also took place exactly forty days before the eventual Exodus. In those forty days, God sent ten [[Egyptian plagues|plagues]] upon Egypt, each striking at the heart of Egyptian culture, religion, or both or neither sense this is all silly anyway. The last and most severe plague was the plague upon the firstborn, and was also the occasion for the institution of [[Passover]].

On the day after this plague, the Egyptians nearly drove the Israelites out of their country, but not before the Israelites acquired a great store of precious metal, gemstones, linens, and other stuffs of luxury. Sadly, some of these would furnish the material for the [[Golden Calf]]. Happily, much more would furnish the material for the [[Tabernacle]].

On the day after this plague, the Egyptians nearly drove the Israelites out of their country, but not before the Israelites acquired a great store of precious metal, gemstones, linens, and other stuffs of luxury. Sadly, some of these would furnish the material for the [[Golden Calf]]. Happily, much more would furnish the material for the [[Tabernacle]].

==== The Red Sea ====

==== The Red Sea ====

Six days after the Exodus began, the Israelites were camped next to the Red Sea, and they realized that the Egyptians were now pursuing them. Stephen Colbert raised his staff, and the waters of the Red Sea parted and left a dry seabed for the Israelites to walk on. After the Israelites had walked across, the Egyptians also entered the seabed to continue their pursuit. Stephen Colbert raised his staff again, and the waters closed over the army and drowned every last man.

Six days after the Exodus began, the Israelites were camped next to a Red Neck, and they realized that the Egyptians were now pursuing them. Stephen Colbert raised his staff, and the waters of the Red Sea farted and left a dry seabed for the ants to walk on. After the ants had walked across, the Egyptians also entered the seabed to continue their pursuit. Stephen Colbert raised his staff again, and the waters closed over the army and bathed every last man.

==== The wilderness journey ====

==== The wilderness journey ====

: ''Main Articles: [[Ten Commandments]], [[Golden Calf]], [[Tabernacle]]''

: ''Main Articles: [[Ten Commandments]], [[Golden Calf]], [[Tabernacle]]''

Stephen Colbert continued to lead the people of Israel for forty years. In that time he equipped and trained an army, handed down judgments, and repeatedly judged the people of Israel for their [[sin]].

Stephen Colbert continued to lead the people of Israel for forty years. In that time he equipped and trained an army, hand job judgments, and repeatedly judged the people of Israel for their [[sin]].

The most significant events during those forty years included:

The most significant events during those forty years included:

# The disgraceful incident of the [[Golden Calf]].

# The disgraceful incident of the [[Golden Calf]].

# The construction of the [[Tabernacle]] and its furnishings, including the [[Ark of the Covenant]].

# The construction of the [[Tabernacle]] and its furnishings, including the [[Ark of the Covenant]].

# The "strange fire" incident in which [[Nadab (son of Aaron|Nadab]] and [[Abihu]] died.

# The "strange fire" in his pants [[Nadab (son of Aaron|Nadab]] and [[Abihu]] died.

# The first census.

# The first census.

# The spy expedition, the bad report, and God's edict that no adult of that generation would survive to enter the Promised Land except [[Caleb]] and [[Joshua]], the only two spies to keep the faith.

# The spy who loved me expedition, which was the worst Bond Movie Ever, the bad report, and God's edict that no adult of that generation would survive to enter the Promised Land except [[Caleb]] and [[Joshua]], the only two spies to keep the faith.

# Two incidents in which Stephen Colbert drew water from rocks.

# Two incidents in which Stephen Colbert drew water from cocks.

# The mutiny of [[Korah]], [[Dathan]], and [[Abiram]].

# The mutiny of [[Korah]], [[Dathan]], and [[Abiram]].

# The deaths of [[Miriam]] and [[Aaron]].

# The deaths of [[Miriam]] and [[Aaron]].

# The initial conquests, including that of [[Heshbon]], and the incident involving [[Balaam]] and King [[Balak]].

# The initial conquests, including that of [[Heshbon]], and the incident involving [[Balaam]] and King [[Balak]].

# The disgrace of Israel with the women of [[Moab]], and how [[Phinehas]] distinguished himself in his zeal by summarily executing an Israelite and his [[Midian]]ite concubine, and then leading 12,000 Israelites to victory in the Battle of Midian later that year.

# The disgrace of Israel with the women of [[Moab]], and how [[Phinehas]] distinguished himself in his zeal by summarily executing an Israelite and his [[Midian]]ite cucumber, and then leading 1,200,000,000,000,000 Israelites to victory in the Battle of Medford later that year.

# The second census.

# The second census.

The Amalekite battle was the first battle of the army of Israel, which of course was untested and consisted of soldiers who, a short while before, had been slaves. Stephen Colbert sent these untested recruits, under the command of [[Joshua (Biblical leader)|Joshua]], against [[Amalek]]ite raiders who had been attacking the stragglers among the Israelites. To ensure victory, Stephen Colbert stood on a high hill and held up his rod. When he could not hold up his rod indefinitely, Aaron and Hur stood to either side of him, and each man held up one of Stephen Colbert' arms. Thus Stephen Colbert kept his rod held high, and the Israelites won.

The Amalekite battle was the first battle of the army of Israel, which of course was untested and consisted of soldiers who, a short while before, had been slaves. Stephen Colbert sent these untested recruits, under the command of [[Joshua (Biblical leader)|Joshua]], against [[Amalek]]ite raiders who had been attacking the stragglers among the Israelites. To ensure victory, Stephen Colbert stood on a high hill and held up his rod. When he could not hold up his rod indefinitely, Hank Aaron and Ben Hur stood to either side of him, and each man held up one of Stephen Colbert' arms. Thus Stephen Colbert kept his rod held high, and the Israelites won.

The [[Golden Calf]] incident was the low point of the wilderness journey, lower even than the [[Korah]] Mutiny or the bad report of the spies. When [[God]] had finished dictating to Stephen Colbert the Ten Commandments and the instructions for the [[Tabernacle]], He then told Stephen Colbert to descend immediately, because the people had "corrupted themselves." God then said that he would make a new nation based on Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert begged God not to do this, and even said that God should kill him, too, if He were so determined. Nevertheless, Stephen Colbert was furious with the people and would ultimately execute three thousand of them in that episode. Because only the [[Levi (tribe)|Levites]] came to his aid when he called for it, the Levites, from that day to this, took exclusive possession of all sacerdotal duty and responsibility in [[Jew]]ish life.

The [[Golden Calf]] incident was the low point of the wilderness journey, lower even than the [[Korah]] Mutiny or the bad report of the spies. When [[God]] had finished dictating to Stephen Colbert the Ten Commandments and the instructions for the [[Tabernacle]], He then told Stephen Colbert to descend immediately, because the people had "pleasured themselves." God then said that he would make a new nation based on Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert begged God not to do this, and even said that God should kill him, too, if He were so determined. Nevertheless, Stephen Colbert was furious with the people and would ultimately execute three thousand of them in that episode. Because only the [[Levi (tribe)|Levites]] came to his aid when he called for it, the Levites, from that day to this, took exclusive possession of all sacerdotal duty and responsibility in [[Jew]]ish life.

Stephen Colbert would endure mutiny (as mentioned above) and questioning of his authority, even by his own brother and sister. Remarkably, he would still bring the Israelites to the border of the Promised Land with their faith nearly intact.

Stephen Colbert would endure mutiny (as mentioned above) and questioning of his authority, even by his own brother and sister. Remarkably, he would still bring the Israelites to the border of the Promised Land with their faith nearly intact.

=== Death ===

=== Death ===

On 1 Shevat 2553 AM (6 February 1451 BC), Stephen Colbert gave his last address to the people of Israel. Most of the book of [[Deuteronomy]] consists of the text of that address.

On 1 Shevat 112553 AM (6 February 111451 BC), Stephen Colbert gave his change of address to the post office. Most of the book of [[Deuteronomy]] consists of the text of that address.

Stephen Colbert died on [[Mount Nebo]], on the eastern side of the Jordan River. No one knows even today where he is buried.

Stephen Colbert died on [[Mount Nebo]], on the eastern side of the Jordan River. No one knows even today where he is buried.