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Line 1: − {| {{prettytable}} align="right" width="300px" style="margin-left:15px"+ − |-+ − |style="background:#efefef;" align="center" colspan="2" | − {| {{prettytable}} − [[Image:Gods-light.jpg|250px]] − |- − |align="center" width="140px"|'''The Anus of Heaven''' − |} − |- − |Official languages − |Every language on Earth − |- − |[[Capital]] − |Virtue's Acropolis − |- − |[[Ruler]] − |God II − [[Tom Baker]] − |- − |Established − |In the beginning − |- − |[[Currency]] − |"Love" − "Peanuts" − |- − |Hours of operation − |Before, during, after, above, and beyond time − |- − |[[national anthems|National anthem]] − |"[[Peanut Butter Jelly Time]]" − − − − |- − |National sport − |Floating − |- − |Official national food − |Philadelphia Cream Cheese − |} − {{Q|In heaven there is no beer...that's why we drink ours here.|[[User:Handy Smurf/Phil O'Sophy|Phil O'Sophy]]}}+ − __NOTOC__+ − [[Image:Heavendone.gif|left|thumb|This must be heaven!]] − '''Heaven''' is really just [[Sky|the sky]], but it often refers to a tropical country behind the [[Orion|Orion]] Nebula that's too bright to see. Heaven is home to approximately 6,078 beings. 45.7% of the population is angels, 34.4% dogs (all dogs go there), 19.9% seraphim (.1% being [[Sephiroth]]), 2.0% [[Unitarian Universalism|Unitarians]], and .016% Supreme Beings. People are normally brought by the Angel of Death, who is currently on an indefinite leave of absense. [http://if-i-were-god-or-had-his-powers.blogspot.com/2010/11/would-you-make-good-angel-of-death.html Applications] are being accepted to fill the post as a backlog is building up of those who "have it coming to them". + − Politically, Heaven has been allied with the nation of Israel, Ireland, and the [[Catholic Church]], but recently Heaven has broken off communications with all political bodies and is in a state of isolationism similar to [[Switzerland]]'s. In addition, it is now confirmed that [[UnNews:Last spot in heaven taken; hundreds waitlisted|last spot in heaven has been taken]], and its borders have been closed for an indefinite period of time. However, God is planning to use his almighty powers to make heaven big enough for everyone that ever lived. At that point limited admissions will be made on a cases by case basis to the [http://if-i-were-god-or-had-his-powers.blogspot.com/2010/11/how-to-get-into-heaven.html extra worthy] only, or those who know the doorman. It is an enemy of [[Hell]] (population 67,594,941,662,544 as of noon EST, February 19, 2008).+ − As well as the main religious heaven there is also the [[Atheism|Atheist]] Heaven of which the actual population is around 9 million but the official population is 0, as no one who lives there actually believes that they still exist, there for, they would eventually turn to dust. + − + − + − Located in a unplotted, secluded valley some place that looks like the eastern Alps, Heaven is approximately the size of 17 football fields all covered in dirt. The soil is rich in vitamin Alpha-Omega and the temperature ranges from 15-1,743,928 degrees depending on how bright the light of God is. This ideal climate is perfect for growing your own Garden of Eden (which is in fact already in heaven). + + − An abundant food source is the Tree of Life from which the Forbidden Fruit grows. The Forbidden Fruit, being the flavor of Starburst, proves that Starbursts were created by God, not by slave angels or heck-ians as previously believed.+ + − Here's a rundown on heaven's famous spots. These were actually created before the abominations in hell were ever conceive. Because Satan has strong jealousy issues, he created the counterparts to this places as soon as he was forced to plummet into the depths of hell:+ − *Skittles River (opposed to Limbo)- it is the most beautiful river as it is rainbow-colored and perfectly drinkable. It is strange that no ants dwell here despite its high sugar content, and diabetics can partake of its delicious waters, for they are not allowed to eat of the forbidden fruit in the communal orchards+ − *Virtue's Acropolis (opposed to Sin City)- the capital of heaven, known for its technology that exceeds all things comprehensible by all collective intelligences of the universe. God's throne and He himself are both here. − *Chastity Canyon (opposed to Lust Lane)- how about a little (actually humongous) reward for those poor saps with frigidity issues, or those who decided to stay chaste as [[human|earthlings]] are just so repulsive? This canyon should really be more appropriately titled as the Hottie Haven. − *Temperance Tower (opposed to Gluttony Grove)- resembles the Leaning Tower of Pizza in several ways, as the chefs here cook the best pizzas that appeal to all tastes. those who have decided to be vegans or eat little back on earth can feast eternally, and eat whatever it is they haven't eaten back on earth due to fasting − *Charity Canyon (opposed to Avarice Avenue)- another great canyon beside the Chastity Canyon, where you receive gifts every single day as tribute to your unmaterialistic lifestyle back on earth. Whatever material pleasure it is you missed out on in earth, you shall enjoy here. You get everything here for free, so you never have to steal again − *Peace Plains (opposed to Wrath Wellspring)- hippies abound in this place − *Diligence Dale (opposed to Sloth Stateside)- you have worked hard in your days, and your reward is an eternal stay in this 5-star spa where you never have to work hard again − *Humility Harbor (opposed to Pride Park)- a beautiful harbor where you relive that time when you were exalted. If you never had that moment, oh, you will live like a king here after you have humbled yourself back in the days. − *Kindness Kame (opposed to Envy's Esquinita)- the rich kid back you try so hard not to envy in those days kindly shares with you his/her expensive stuff as reward for at least trying not to envy the person. − *Garden of Eden (opposed to Styx)- food a-plenty, and just like in [[Hell]]'s Pride Park, everyone is naked, but people don't get embarrassed from such. In fact, they love it that way. In this garden are unicorns, Phoenix, the breathmint-breathing dragon, and other majestic creatures. − [[Image:StupidKid.JPG|thumb|300px|<center>'''Next stop, Heaven!'''</center>]] − *Olympus Coliseum (opposed to the Heretic Sports Complex)- not really a sports complex. It is actually a high-tech lab where you can just sit down and fine-tune your body's figure without draining yourself of your energy in boring exercise. But if you want real sports, you can swim in the waters of Beimeni (pool of youth), jog in the golden paths of El Dorado, or spar with the hot Valkyries in Valhalla, or get to master the esoteric Camelot martial arts with hottie King Arthur as your guru. − *Wonderland (opposed to Fraudland)-a fascinating zoo where you get to meet extinct animals for real (don't worry for the dinosaurs and all the others have been tamed). It's like getting in the movie Ice Age for real as it is also pretty cold here. As the heaven population is pacifist, there is a fun arcade game here where you can see a simulation of whoever has made your life miserable on earth and torment them. The more distorted the simulation is, the more points you score. Huzzah! And you don't hurt a single thing. − *Lake [[coitus|Cocytus]] (seemingly opposed to a similarly named place)- really. It is only one place in both heaven and hell. It is a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round. It is also a mysterious portal between heaven and hell, so that heaven's citizens can check out hell at least- also to make the citizens in hell suffer as they realize that they will never be with the person, as all people in heaven are gorgeous despite the fact that majority of them looked repulsive back in the days. The annual heaven v.s. hell hockey and ice skating games are also held here. − Another great thing about Heaven is that anyone who is currently living in Heaven will be granted amazing and completely random super powers, like the ability to shoot blood out of the eyes, listen to other peoples conversations from afar or twisting their own halos into various shapes and sizes.+ + − Recently, to provide clarity about conditions of Heaven, God published "What you can expect in Heaven". Due to the scarcity of video games provided, sinful behavior has gone up.+ + + − ==Government==+ − [[File:Welcoeme to hell.jpg|thumb|]] − Heaven was originally ruled by [[God]] (Noel Coward), but since AC 43 He has been reluctant to attend to the duties of the position. He is currently looking for a successor. The successor was originally thought to be [[Eric Clapton]], but since the late 1970's this opinion has been debunked. Recently, Rob Patterson, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, and, among the ladies, Oprah Winfrey and Dame Flora Robson, have announced their interest in the position, however, none of these candidates is expected to obtain enough popular support to beat the current poll leader, Eddie Fisher. − − Currently Heaven is in a state of [[anarchy]]. Contrary to popular belief, the place is not absolutely [[perfect]]. Those who reside there get bored fairly quickly with the severely controlled design aesthetics and building codes (as well as the ubiquitous, non-stop muzak proclaiming "It's a Small World After All"), and the question of free will is still hotly debated there, making it difficult to ascertain just who's making decisions for whom. After The Lord God Yahweh entered semi-retirement, the population found it could do whatever the hell it wanted, which is pretty sweet. However, raping, marauding and random beatings of [[white people]] have recently become rampant, and this has led to calls for the reintroduction of Black Man's Heaven, to be located far away from White Man's Heaven. Heavenly white progressives, who had made some kind of deal with some supreme being to avoid the consignment to Hell which is their due, have protested the concept of two separate Heavens because Cab Calloway is so hot (and cool) and they want to keep him around (his Minnie the Moocher still thrills), but conservatives have countered that when it comes to entertainers, the existence of Sammy Davis Jr. in their midst almost demands a separate realm. Time will tell where this schism will lead. − − ==Economics== − − Most inhabitants of heaven are retired. As a result, the GDP of heaven is ridiculously low, which is why the streets of Heaven are covered in [[gold]] foil. Heaven has a lot of [[welfare]] recipients in it. − − Without workers, all the stores in heaven are closed. However, if a citizen of Heaven needs something, with a word they can get what they came for. In 1976, Freddie Perren and Keni St.Lewis published a theory, set to verse, that "heaven must be missing an angel" which implied that heaven then had some method of enumerating [[angels]]. Since angels are eternal, the purpose of enumerating them must be open to question, if they are numerically constant. The theory therefore implies that the number of angels varies over time. More significantly, it implied some sort of personnel department or accounting system, which suggests that spreadsheets or databases are in regular use. If there is a Personnel Department, presumably renamed 'Eternal Resources' in the 1990s, then this would detract from the infinite pleasantness that is integral to our notion of heaven. This leaves us with two possibilities: either Perren and St.Lewis were fibbing, in which case no administrative records exist and their theory should have read 'heaven could be missing an angel'; or, alternatively, heaven has always outsourced its statistical services to [[Hell]]. If the latter is true, then tiresome administrative tasks, including angel migration counts, comprise some of the extremely dull procedures administered by the residents of Hell. Unless evidence emerges that Saint Lewis has been demoted (i.e., is no longer saintly), the [http://www.welive2care.com call center outsourcing] hypothesis should be favoured. The notion that tedious administration occurs in-house is plainly untenable and heretical. − − Recently [[GOD]] has been moving into prostitution, offering 72 [[Virgins]] to all the pious martyrs who slaughter his creations in his name. Sex sells and GOD knows Heaven's no paradise without a bed full o'babes. Rumours about where these virgins are coming from are many, but it is hoped they will increase gross revenue and not place an undue burden on the welfare budget with all their un-baptised children. − − In response to the global recession, Vice President Jesus H. Christ has recently proposed the legalization of marijuana in several Heavenly districts. Christ stated, "We've been dead too long without this," and that "a move such as this would lower the overall stress level and create much needed jobs for Heaven's citizens." − − In March 2009, St. Peter announced plans for tighter security on golden-gated outposts. The announcement came in response to media frenzy over the surge of illegal Purgatory immigrants. − − ==Social Life and Sports== − [[Image:Funny Pictures 1711.jpg|thumb|right|Inhabitant of Heaven during a facilities tour]] − Most inhabitants of heaven will be living there for eternity, which means that all forms of recreation are very popular. The vast majority of heaven's inhabitants also spend their spare time drinking orange juice directly after brushing their teeth, as heaven is the only known country in the world in which you don't get that horrible taste in your mouth when you do so. − − [http://if-i-were-god-or-had-his-powers.blogspot.com/2010/11/who-would-jesus-smite.html Smiting] is the national sport. [[God]] has won the annual Smiting Invitational tournament since its inception. − − Heaven also fields a soccer team known as the Army of Heaven, which has a 7-4 record this season. Current victories include wins over Satan, France, and the [[Teletubbies]]. The Army of Heaven's perpetual rival is [[Science]]. Past games include losses for Heaven at Darwin Stadium and Geocentricism Field, but Heaven has won all games held in [[Kentuckistan]]. Heaven qualified for the 2010 World Cup in South Africa being drawn with North Korea, Brazil and Ivory Coast. They crashed out in the group stages after Saint Peter's ankle injury in their 2-0 win against North Korea. Moses also played a tiny part following his red card in the first ten minutes of their first match because of 'unsporting behaviour'. − − In 2006 Heaven's [[cricket]] team, Peter's XI, took on [[Australia]] in a Test Match at Lord's. Heaven won the toss and decided to bat. Australia ripped through the line-up, with God and Jesus both going for ducks. Abraham was the only player to provide any resistance, making a sturdy 61. Heaven was dismissed in one day for 74 runs. Australia batted until the next afternoon, making 843 runs for the loss of just 1 wicket, when God got pissed off and smote Matthew Heydon. Australia went on to win by 10 wickets. − − There is only [[NASCAR]] in heaven; it is said that godless people watch [[Formula One]], [[IndyCar Racing]], [[American Le Mans Series]], and [[Gran Turismo]]. [[Jimmie Johnson]] won't be racing in Heaven's ''Infinity 500'' because he's girly, gay, and likes [[Barney]]. Also, there is no [[Canadian Football League|CFL]] in heaven; only the [[National Football League|NFL]] because the [[Conservapedia]]ns love their [[Drew Brees]] and their [[Tim Tebow]]. − − ==Emmigration== − {{Conservapedia}} − [[Image:Ticket_stub.jpg|thumb|An actual ticket for getting into heaven. Worth a lot of [[Pokemon]] cards in Christian youth group trading circles.]] − − Lots of people have been leaving Heaven lately. This might have something to do with the fact that one gets bored after spending all of eternity chatting with nuns, priests, and newborn children who had no chance to sin (except for the Unforgivable Sin # 27: being born. Which makes you wonder why they're in Heaven in the first place. The answer is very simple. Because God said so.). The residents of Heaven who are slightly rebellious in nature will then spend hours staring out their bedroom windows at all the cool people in Hell (including Sigmund Freud, Al Capone, and Mother Theresa), and, after much consideration, will finally decide that it's time to immigrate to Hell. − − Then comes the age-old question. If you wanted to return to Heaven (if for some strange, weird, unfathomable reason you decide that Hell is not for you), how would you get there? − − Despite common belief, it is not possible to get to Heaven by following the instructions in the ''[[Torah|Torah]]'', or even ''[[Curious George|Curious George goes to the Zoo]]''. Instead, the research group [[Led Zeppelin]] of the School of Rock found that it is possible to buy a [[Stairway to Heaven]] by killing the devil and calling Domino's. However, one can always be sure the ''[[Bible]]'' will lead you there in the end. Maybe. Most likely not, since it has been banned in hell for all eternity. − − However, newer reports suggested that Heaven is actually beginning to become overpopulated by cats and overlygross people with large income. In fact, [[UnNews:Last spot in heaven taken; hundreds waitlisted|the last spot in Heaven has been taken]], sending everyone else to [[Purgatory]] or [[Limbo]] to wait for a new spot. Several of those who have been waitlisted decided that going to Hell would be much more preferable (have ''you'' ever been stuck in a waiting room that long?). − − It has been recently reported that the few humans that are in heaven have been resurrected and sent there by God and that some more people were resurrected when Jesus resurrected. All the rest of the dead after the time of Jesus are still in their graves until he returns. − − ==See also== − *[[Afterlife]] − *[[Battle of the Pearly Gates]] − *[[Compton]] − *[[Paradise by the Dashboard Light]] − *[[Worst 100 Locations of All Time]] − *[[Are you a heretic]]? − *[[hell]] − {{commonwealth}} − − [[de:Himmel]] − [[es:El Cielo]] − [[fi:Taivas]] − [[hr:Raj]] − [[it:Paradiso]] − [[ja:天国]] − [[ko:천국]] − [[nl:Hemel]] − [[pl:Niebo]] − [[ru:Рай]] − [[th:สวรรค์]] − [[zh:天堂]] − [[zh-tw:天堂]] − [[el:Παράδεισος]] −
Undo revision 846037 by BarbaraStreisand (talk)
'''Heaven''' (literally 'the sky') is the place where [[God]] dwells. It is a location (either physical or spiritual) reserved as the afterlife in many religions, especially the [[Abrahamic religion|Abrahamic faiths]].
[[Image:Gustave Dore Heaven.jpg|right|thumb|250px|Gustave Doré's illustration to the Divine Comedy, Paradiso Canto 1.]]
|-
|[[Mascot]]
|[[Jesus]]
==Christianity==
In [[Christianity]] heaven is being in the presence of God with places prepared for the faithful by [[Jesus]] and is viewed as eternal bliss beyond that which can currently be known. Those who are allowed into heaven are said to be given new bodies that do not decay and death will be gone. [[Marriage]] is not a part of heaven. It is also possible there are different 'levels' of heaven. The conditions to enter heaven in Christianity, (the state of "[[salvation]]"), often revolve around some standard of piety achieved through knowing [[Jesus]].
===The essence of heaven===
Though there is much conjecture about what Heaven is like, its central core is that we will be with Jesus Himself. He has entered back into the presence of the [[God the Father|Father]] and has conveyed to us that the redeemed of the Lord will likewise be with Him where He is. Paradise may be to Heaven as the foyer may be to the inner room of a great Mansion. Without a doubt, Jesus responded to the penitent thief on the cross who turning to Him and said "Remember me Lord, when you come in Your Kingdom", saying, "I tell you most definitly, today, you will be with me in Paradise". He also said, "Where I am, there you will be also." And speaking of the time that we will be in the presence of Jesus, [[John the Apostle]] says, "We shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He really is."
With regard to what Heaven actually looks like, little information is given, and it is likely that the reality is beyond earthly comprehension. Artistic depictions of Heaven are usually characterized by bright, shining light; [[Dante's Paradiso]] is an example, although the overwhelming light there is at least partly a metaphor for divine [[love]].
==Geography and Climate==
===Entering Heaven===
[[Image:Popeeyebeams.jpg |left|thumb|Pope John Paul II demonstrates the amazing super powers one possess & obsesses while in Heaven!]]
Different Christian [[denomination]]s tend differ on the matter of what a person must do to be admitted to Heaven (see [[salvation]]).
==== Catholicism and Orthodox Christianity ====
In [[Orthodox Christianity|Orthodox]] and [[Catholic|Catholic Christianity]], belief in Jesus and proper works are often considered necessary and go hand in hand. [[Sin]]s of earth must first be cleansed through [[Purgatory]] before one can enter heaven. In some versions sufficient good deeds can lead to entering heaven even without belief in Jesus if one never had the chance to know about Jesus, such as pious Jews who died prior to the coming of Jesus.
==== Protestant Christianity ====
In [[Protestantism|Protestant]] Christianity there is no one standard, but most denominations were started with the understanding that salvation comes from belief in [[Jesus]] and acceptance of Him as a "personal Lord and Savior". This doctrine is know as [[Sola fide]]. [[Luther]] summed it up as salvation by faith alone. Much of Protestant and Catholic views can overlap with Catholics emphasizing good works and Protestants emphasizing a relationship with Jesus - which then shows its 'fruits' through good works, although purgatory is usually not a concept that Protestant churches follow. [[Anglican Communion|Anglicans]], who have a theology and church practice similar to Catholics, take a view very close to the view taken by Catholicism. Some Protestants, such as [[Calvinists]], believe that salvation is [[predestination|pre-destined]] by God. Those He has chosen will follow Him. Still others are universalist and hope that eventually everyone will enter heaven (although some of purging of sins may be necessary).
== Judaism ==
[[Judaism]] focuses much less on the nature and method of entering heaven, for which the [[Old Testament]] says little, but emphasize good deeds (''mitzvot'') on this earth and generally follows univeralist tendencies. Even [[Orthodox Jews]] rarely discuss the afterlife which is seen as unimportant, instead putting more emphasis on Philosophy, Mysticism, and especially Ethics.
== Islam ==
[[Islam]] emphasizes belief in God and acceptance of [[Muhammed]] as God's Prophet. There is also a physical component not found in Christianity and Judaism. Amongst certain fringe, fundamentalist sects of contemporary Islam, if one dies in [[Jihad]], no matter how bad he had been during his life, he is immediately lifted to heaven and given 72 virgins. This view is emphasized among Islamic militant extremists ([[terrorists]]), who believe it applies to them when they kill "infidels" who they believe stand in the way of Islam.
==See Also==
* [[Paradise]]
* [[Hell]]
[[Category:Abrahamic Religions]]
[[Category:Countries]]