Difference between revisions of "Pope Benedict XVI"
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''"We need your message to reject this dictatorship of relativism and embrace a culture of justice and truth,"'' said [[George W. Bush]] welcoming Benedict to the [[White House]]. | ''"We need your message to reject this dictatorship of relativism and embrace a culture of justice and truth,"'' said [[George W. Bush]] welcoming Benedict to the [[White House]]. | ||
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| + | ==Rumors & Slander== | ||
| + | There have been many false statements from people thus pertaining to the Pope. However, this one many believe has taken the cake. What you are about to read may be a little too much for your eyes AND imagination. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. | ||
| + | |||
| + | --- | ||
| + | |||
| + | True story, look it up: | ||
| + | |||
| + | The Pope was sitting at his table, endulging in a breakfast of Chuck Steak and Poached eggs with Sour Cream on the side. Delicious, right? Well, as we all know, when you're done eating you sometimes have to go and do that thing we all know about in the bathroom correct? | ||
| + | |||
| + | So, the Pope had realized this just an hour after his appetizingly, delicious meal. Now, Benedict here had been intestinally corked for a few days, so there was a lot of garbage in the dumpster; thus, he had taken a gelatine stool softener after his meal. After thinking about it for a good five minutes or so, just getting out of digestion, Benedict felt a large rumbling in his stomach. So intense and massive this rumbling, it could have been at the force of a tank! | ||
| + | |||
| + | The wonderously pious man warp sped his way towards the toilet... | ||
| + | |||
| + | The hit was so sudden and intense that there was a chance he could have already "made the brownies" so to speak. Thus, when he finally made his way into the Bathroom, shutting the door was the last thing on his mind! | ||
| + | |||
| + | Unfortunately for our main man here, as soon as he had let his pants down, he discovered a sticky, brown wonder inside of them. This was stressful. He was old, but not that old. It must have been those damned stool softeners! The palm of his hand was covering his face for a few minutes while the disaster was deterring out from his most certainly 'uncorked' bowel. | ||
| + | |||
| + | After many "horn-like" noises and ghastly "ahhhhhs" from the Pope, it was finally over. Now, it was time for the worst of it all. He knew damn well this was going to be messy, as well as going to take a long, long while. | ||
| + | |||
| + | He glanced to his right... | ||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | No! There was nothing. Just a few slivers left of a roll! None left in the reserves? The maid must have certainly switched the roll by now... | ||
| + | |||
| + | He let out a long sigh... wondering what the hell he was going to do. It was truly amazing how a human's normal functions of waste could really be stressful at times. | ||
| + | |||
| + | He then glanced to his left... | ||
| + | |||
| + | There, on the table next to him, in a brown sleeve and with a golden sliver hanging out, was none other than the "Holy Bible." The Pope, while angry at himself for it, thus knew what had to be done. Of all the people in this world, he himself would be the LAST person to suspect doing something so foul and blasphemous. Unfortunately, desperate times called for desperate measures. | ||
| + | |||
| + | Naturally, he put his hands together and chanted "Dear God, oh Lord: please forgive me for what I am about to do. I have no other choice", his head shaking sadly at the chant......... | ||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | |||
| + | Shelly the Maid had trotted in the bathroom door yet again for another day of the Bathroom cleaning. Her eyes lit up when she saw the experiment lying on the floor. What the hell had happened? Why was there a Bible with HALF of its pages missing??? What's with the shit on the floor? The fan wasn't even on! | ||
| + | |||
| + | She shook her head and planned out within a week what she was going to do with her life. First step was going to be putting in her resignation... | ||
| + | |||
==References== | ==References== | ||
Revision as of 00:19, March 17, 2009
His Holiness Benedict XVI (Joseph Alois Ratzinger, born April 16, 1927 in Bavaria) is the current Pope of the Roman Catholic Church (2005-), succeeding John Paul II.
Early Life
He was born in Marktl am Inn, Germany on April 16, 1927 as Joseph Ratzinger. As a child, he lived in Traunstein where much of his philosophy developed. Ratzinger joined the Hitler Youth in 1939 - membership being required by law - but was unenthusiastic and refused to attend meetings.[1] Ratzinger's father opposed Nazism.
Education
His Holiness studied at the higher School of Freising and University of Munich. He received a Doctor of Theology Degree in 1953.
Ordination
He was ordained Father Joseph Ratzinger on June 29, 1951.
Appointment to the See of Munich
Paul VI appointed him Archbishop of the Archdiocese of Munich and Freisling on March 25, 1977.
Cardinal
He was chosen to the College of Cardinals by Paul VI on June 27, 1977. He was thereafter known as Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. On November 25, 1981, Pope John Paul II named Cardinal Ratzinger "Prefect of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith", one of the major Curial institutions of the Holy See.
College Positions
On November 6, 1998, he was elected Vice-Dean of the College of Cardinals. On November 30, 2002 he was elected Dean of the College.
Accession to the Papacy
On April 2, 2005, John Paul II passed away. Following the prescribed mourning period, the College of Cardinals was summoned to the Vatican for the Papal Conclave. He was widely regarded as one of the strongest candidates for election to the papacy. On April 19, 2005 after a prior false signal, white smoke appeared at the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, the traditional sign of a new pope. As in the past, the Cardinal Protodeacon, Jorge Cardinal Medina Estevez, appeared on the balcony and proclaimed the following;
Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum:
Habemus Papam!
Eminentissimum ac reverendissimum Dominum,
Dominum Joseph,
Sanctæ Romanæ Ecclesiæ Cardinalem Ratzinger,
Qui sibi nomen imposuit Benedict XVI.
(I announce to you all a great joy:
We have a pope!
A most Eminent and Reverend Lord,
Lord Joseph,
Cardinal Ratzinger, of the Holy Roman Church,
Who has imposed a name for himself: Benedict XVI.)
On April 2008, Pope Benedict XVI made his first visit to the United States. He celebrated mass at Washington D.C. (Baseball Stadium) and New York City (Cathedral of Saint Patrick and Yankees Stadium). During this journey he became the first pope to visit an American synagogue.
"We need your message to reject this dictatorship of relativism and embrace a culture of justice and truth," said George W. Bush welcoming Benedict to the White House.
Rumors & Slander
There have been many false statements from people thus pertaining to the Pope. However, this one many believe has taken the cake. What you are about to read may be a little too much for your eyes AND imagination. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
---
True story, look it up:
The Pope was sitting at his table, endulging in a breakfast of Chuck Steak and Poached eggs with Sour Cream on the side. Delicious, right? Well, as we all know, when you're done eating you sometimes have to go and do that thing we all know about in the bathroom correct?
So, the Pope had realized this just an hour after his appetizingly, delicious meal. Now, Benedict here had been intestinally corked for a few days, so there was a lot of garbage in the dumpster; thus, he had taken a gelatine stool softener after his meal. After thinking about it for a good five minutes or so, just getting out of digestion, Benedict felt a large rumbling in his stomach. So intense and massive this rumbling, it could have been at the force of a tank!
The wonderously pious man warp sped his way towards the toilet...
The hit was so sudden and intense that there was a chance he could have already "made the brownies" so to speak. Thus, when he finally made his way into the Bathroom, shutting the door was the last thing on his mind!
Unfortunately for our main man here, as soon as he had let his pants down, he discovered a sticky, brown wonder inside of them. This was stressful. He was old, but not that old. It must have been those damned stool softeners! The palm of his hand was covering his face for a few minutes while the disaster was deterring out from his most certainly 'uncorked' bowel.
After many "horn-like" noises and ghastly "ahhhhhs" from the Pope, it was finally over. Now, it was time for the worst of it all. He knew damn well this was going to be messy, as well as going to take a long, long while.
He glanced to his right...
No! There was nothing. Just a few slivers left of a roll! None left in the reserves? The maid must have certainly switched the roll by now...
He let out a long sigh... wondering what the hell he was going to do. It was truly amazing how a human's normal functions of waste could really be stressful at times.
He then glanced to his left...
There, on the table next to him, in a brown sleeve and with a golden sliver hanging out, was none other than the "Holy Bible." The Pope, while angry at himself for it, thus knew what had to be done. Of all the people in this world, he himself would be the LAST person to suspect doing something so foul and blasphemous. Unfortunately, desperate times called for desperate measures.
Naturally, he put his hands together and chanted "Dear God, oh Lord: please forgive me for what I am about to do. I have no other choice", his head shaking sadly at the chant.........
Shelly the Maid had trotted in the bathroom door yet again for another day of the Bathroom cleaning. Her eyes lit up when she saw the experiment lying on the floor. What the hell had happened? Why was there a Bible with HALF of its pages missing??? What's with the shit on the floor? The fan wasn't even on!
She shook her head and planned out within a week what she was going to do with her life. First step was going to be putting in her resignation...
References
See also
External links
- The Vatican Italian web site.
- Personal Flag and Arms of Benedict XVI