Yahweh

Born in 0 A.Himself. to Mary and, if the rumors are true, God (a paternity test is pending). According to local legend, Jesus (pronounced "Hay-soos") was born in a barn after the hotel his mom and step-dad, Joseph, were trying to stay at was full. Three guys with incense, gold and embalming fluids followed an alien space ship to Bethlehem, where Jesus was located, because they thought he was king of all Gay French Jews.

Little is known of Jesus's childhood, but he was probably pretty stuck up and liked to mess with people's heads given that he was the Son of God. It is known that the young Jesus once killed a boy for beating him in a running race and caused an entire village to go blind for not recognising his divinity. Thank you, Infancy Gospel of St Thomas.

As an adult, Jesus became something of a New Age hippie guru. He taught peace, love, unity, and respect, thereby becoming the first raver. He had a group of guys called the Apostles who followed him around trying to look cool. One of the more incisive analyses of their contribution to religion and world history was made by Beatle Paul 'wish-i-was-John' McCartney, who observed that "Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It's them twisting it that ruins it for me."

In 33 AD Jesus pissed the Romans off and was nailed to a piece of wood, where he died. Please note that over 9000 other criminals were also nailed to a piece of wood to die, however noone makes a big deal about the crucificatiownage of someone they do not want to receive violently up the rectum.

Three days later he became a zombie with the help of Sting from the Police, who was god of the English at the time, and said he'd be back shortly with his Dad to beat up all those guys who made fun of him in high school. Two thousand years later, and no one's heard back from him, although his fans still wait patiently.

Jesus was given a small memorial in Golgotha, which read:

   "He was such an hero, to take it all away. We miss him so, That you should know, And we honor him this day. He was an hero, to take that cross, to leave us all behind. God do we wish we could take it back, And now he's on our minds. Jesus was an hero, to leave us feeling like this, Our minds are rubber, our joints don't work, Our tears fall into abyss. He was an hero, to take that cross, In life it wasn't his task, He shouldn't have had to go that way, before four decades past. Now he sits there in my heart, this hero of mine, Always there to make me smile, Make me feel just fine. He had courage,that nigra did, courage in his heart. To take that cross, To end his pain, To tear us all apart. But in the end, he died in courage. Lacking, nevermore, He died a hero, Jesus did, And we'll love him forevermore. We love you like a brother. We miss you so much. We will always love you, kid. Rest In Peace JC. ~Mary" 

Sources

• Armstrong, K., The Battle for God (Harper Perennial, 2000)
• Burrows, M., The Dead Sea Scrolls (Secker & Warburg, 1956)
• Cruden, A., Complete Concordance to the Old and New Testaments (Lutterworth, 1930)
• Cross, C., Who Was Jesus? (Hodder & Stoughton, 1970)
• Finkelstein, I. and Silberman, N. A, The Bible Unearthed (The Free Press/Simon & Schuster, 2001)
• The Holy Bible (King James Version)
• James, M. R., The Apocryphal New Testament (Clarendon, Oxford, 1953)
• The New English Bible (Oxford & Cambridge University Presses, 1970)
• The New Jerusalem Bible (Darton, Longman & Todd, 1990)
• Lemesurier, P., The Armageddon Script (Element Books, 1981)
• Peake, A.S., Commentary on the Bible (Nelson, 1962)
• Powell Davies, A., The Meaning of the Dead Sea Scrolls (Mentor Books, New York, 1956)
• Schonfield, H. J., The Passover Plot (Hutchinson, 1965)
• Schonfield, H. J., The Pentecost Revolution (Macdonald, 1974)
• Schonfield, H.J., Those Incredible Christians (Bernard Geis, New York, 1968)
• Vermes, G., The Dead Sea Scrolls in English (Penguin, 1968)
• Vermes, G., The Dead Sea Scrolls: Qumran in Perspective (Collins, 1977)
• Vermes, G., Jesus the Jew (Collins, 1973)
• Young, R., Analytical Concordance to the Holy Bible (Lutterworth, 1939)