Welcome to the Conservative Jokes page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many the original work of Conservapedia editors. Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page.
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny?
Answer: They still think of puns as one of the four humors.
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me!
Conservapedia admin: Like I've never seen a pair of socks before.
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism?
- Black-only Friday.
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic?
- When he saw his parents putting the coal in his stocking.
Where was evidence of Archaeopteryx first discovered?
- Wall Drug's gift store.
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree?
- They thought he was the guy from Family Feud.
What's the only creationist question an evolutionist has answered?
- "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous?
- They know of no matter existing between Las Vegas and Washington.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark.
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song?
- "(You're) Having my Baby."
How can we stop global warming?
- Leaving our refrigerators open.
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack?
- Isaac Fig Newton
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?
- You let Putin eat your lunch all day.
What do you call a basement full of liberals?
- A whine cellar.
Today, it was so cold, I saw a liberal with his hands in his own pockets.
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite breakfast cereal?
- Subtle Trix.
And her favorite Everly Brothers song?
- "All I Have to Do is Scheme,"
- (I'll make the country mine / blur the legal line / every time, to get my way / only trouble is, gee whiz / I'm throwing my afterlife away...)
What's a conservative's favorite shape?
- A right triangle.
What do you call a conservative accountant?
- Ann Bean-Coulter.
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country?
- They don't have the Right.
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion?
- Through intensive trial and error with expensive laboratory equipment and taxpayer dollars.
But how do the Christians do it?
- Looking out their windows.
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth?
- Give the aliens legal status as citizens.
People in Communist groups are so lazy.
- How lazy are they?
They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the October Revolution until November.
How does Carl Sagan think the universe was formed?
- A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists?
- Dance dance evolution.
What did the conservative parents name their sons?
- Christian and Hunter.
- They wake up.
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal?
- Because they rock.
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election?
- She was Trumped.
What causes road rage among liberals?
- When the street light doesn't go green.
What is the difference between Barack Obama and a vampire?
- Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking.
Guns make liberals triggered.
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals?
- Because conservatives can actually take a bullet for someone or something.
What is Chris Christie's favorite animal?
- A RINO.
What do liberals and iPhones have in common?
- If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost.
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes?
- Donald Trump doesn't smoke cigarettes.
What do liberals and businesses have in common?
- They're both owned by Donald Trump.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Bernie. Bernie who? Yep! You said it right!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Irate. Irate who? Irate the Obama administration a zero out of ten!
How do you win an argument with a liberal?
- You can't, the snowflakes melt too quickly.
Why did Bernie Sanders become a socialist?
- Because he didn't want anyone else to be a millionaire.
What's Donald Trump's favorite form of comedy?
- Liberal media.
What is the difference between a liberal and a gun?
- A gun has only one trigger.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
- A puppy stops whining when it grows up.
Why do millennials like Karl Marx so much?
- He lived off someone else's money.
Why is socialism self-defeating?
- In order for it to "work", people must first buy the notion.
What did the girl with the computer say to the chair?
How long does it take a liberal to change a car tyre?
Far off in the year 2031, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas:
- Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true
- Wikipedia, free the encyclopedia
- Wikipedia: I know you think too, but we think better than you
Where Laboratory Funding Comes From
A congressman wondered if a genetics testing laboratory was worth funding, so he went to the lab, where they recognized him immediately as a leading Democrat with influence over several votes in the House. They greeted him, and he asked them, in words he imagined to be deceiving and sagacious, "If I gave you a sample of my DNA, what could you do with it?"
"We could insert other genes into it," suggested a scientist.
"So you could give me dinosaur traits, like in Jurassic Park?"
"No, only if you were still made of stem cells. But we could glean all of your traits from the information," he diverted.
"Except gender; that's indeterminate," a PR scientist added hastily.
"Very well," he smiled, prepared to prove them lying, "Here's a hair sample. Prove it."
They took the hair sample and told him they needed to use the PCR machine and run some tests, but they'd be back in a few months.
"Oh, no - don't try that. What can you tell me now?"
The scientist shrewdly placed the hair in the PCR machine.
"Hmmm...our machines tell us that you are about 5'11", 44 years old, brown hair, brown eyes, 78% Caucasian, not that it matters, in good health, heartbeat 120 beats per minute, blood pressure 100/70, adroit in political matters, a keen athlete, good reaction time, with an aptitude for science ... is that true?"
"It is," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab."
Conservative Riddles and Puzzles
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal?
- Water, whether tap or bottled
If an atheist deifies himself enough ... is he still an atheist?
A book never written ... The Ultimate Liberal Government by Ann R. Key.
Another book never written ... Clinton Explains Benghazi by Heidi Bodhis
Another book never written ... A World of Total Animal Liberation by Pete Ah
In a conference room, one teacher is spreading flour and sugar on the chairs, along with some water, beaten eggs, and a hint of vanilla extract. Alarmed, the custodian asks, "What are you doing?"
"Simple," she replied, "You know how the NEA is going to be using this room later? That's when I'm going to turn up the thermostat."
"What? Why?" he demands.
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies."
Use these to add notes and references.
- Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.
- Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". Independent Journal Review. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/
- The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."