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Amos (Translated) (view source)

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|Thus saith the LORD; For three transgressions of the children of Ammon, and for four, I will not turn away the punishment thereof; because they have ripped up the women with child of Gilead, that they might enlarge their border:

|Here's what the LORD said; For three crimes of the Sons of Ammon, and for four, I won't end its punishment; because they performed abortions on the pregnant women of Gilead in order to expand their borders:

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|~~Always use this verse whenever a pro-abort tells you God approves the murder of unborn children.~~

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|And I also have given you cleanness of teeth in all your cities, and want of bread in all your places: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

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|And I~~'ve~~ given you dental hygiene in all your cities, and lack of bread in all your places: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|And I have given you dental hygiene in all your cities, and lack of bread in all your places: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

|The Bible forewarns that "free" healthcare will come with famines.

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|7

|And also I have withholden the rain from you, when there were yet three months to the harvest: and I caused it to rain upon one city, and caused it not to rain upon another city: one piece was rained upon, and the piece whereupon it rained not withered.

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|And I~~'ve~~ denied you rain, when there were still three months to the harvest: and I gave rain to one city, and did not gave rain to another city: on one piece there was rain, and the piece on which it didn't rain dried.

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|And I have denied you rain, when there were still three months to the harvest: and I gave rain to one city, and did not gave rain to another city: on one piece there was rain, and the piece on which it didn't rain dried.

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|I have smitten you with blasting and mildew: when your gardens and your vineyards and your fig trees and your olive trees increased, the palmerworm devoured them: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

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|I~~'ve~~ struck you with blasting and mildew: when your gardens and your vineyards and your fig trees and your olive trees multiplied, the palmerworm ate them: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|I have struck you with blasting and mildew: when your gardens and your vineyards and your fig trees and your olive trees multiplied, the palmerworm ate them: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|10

|I have sent among you the pestilence after the manner of Egypt: your young men have I slain with the sword, and have taken away your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps to come up unto your nostrils: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

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|I gave you plague like you were Egypt: I killed your men with the sword, and took your horses; and I~~'ve~~ made the stink of your camps enter your nostrils: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|I gave you plague like you were Egypt: I killed your men with the sword, and took your horses; and I have made the stink of your camps enter your nostrils: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|11

|I have overthrown some of you, as God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and ye were as a firebrand plucked out of the burning: yet have ye not returned unto me, saith the LORD.

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|I~~'ve~~ overthrown some of you, like God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and you were like a firebrand taken out of a burning: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|I have overthrown some of you, like God overthrew Sodom and Gomorrah, and you were like a firebrand taken out of a burning: but you didn't return to me, said the LORD.

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|Ye who turn judgment to wormwood, and leave off righteousness in the earth,

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|~~You who turn judgement to wormwood, and leave good behavior on the ground,~~

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|8

|Seek him that maketh the seven stars and Orion, and turneth the shadow of death into the morning, and maketh the day dark with night: that calleth for the waters of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD is his name:

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|Look for the one who makes the seven stars and orion, and turns the shadow of death into morning, and makes the day dark with night: who orders the waters of the sea, and pours them on the face of the earth: He's called the LORD:

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|9

|That strengtheneth the spoiled against the strong, so that the spoiled shall come against the fortress.

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|~~He's the one who destroys the strong, so that the fortress will be destroyed.~~

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|10

|They hate him that rebuketh in the gate, and they abhor him that speaketh uprightly.

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|~~They hate the one who preaches in the gate, and they despite the one who says right things.~~

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|11

|Forasmuch therefore as your treading is upon the poor, and ye take from him burdens of wheat: ye have built houses of hewn stone, but ye shall not dwell in them; ye have planted pleasant vineyards, but ye shall not drink wine of them.

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|Therefore, because you give high taxes to the poor, and confiscate their grain: you've built house of hewn stone, but you won't reside in them; you've planted nice orchards, but you won't drink wine from them.

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|The words translated in the KJV as "your treading upon the poor" are rendered by several other translation as "taxes" or "rent". This is a more accurate translation considering the Bible's small government agenda.

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|12

|For I know your manifold transgressions and your mighty sins: they afflict the just, they take a bribe, and they turn aside the poor in the gate from their right.

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|~~Because I know of all of your many crimes and your huge sins: you hurt the conservatives and take bribes and you're uncharitable.~~

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|13

|Therefore the prudent shall keep silence in that time; for it is an evil time.

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|~~And so the conservative keeps silent in that time; because it's an evil time.~~

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|14

|Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken.

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|~~Demand good, and not evil, so that you'll live: and the LORD, the God of armies, will be with you, as you've spoken.~~

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|15

|Hate the evil, and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph.

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|~~Respect the good, and tame the evil, and present judgment at the gate: maybe the LORD God of armies will take pity on the remains of Joseph.~~

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|16

|Therefore the LORD, the God of hosts, the Lord, saith thus; Wailing shall be in all streets; and they shall say in all the highways, Alas! alas! and they shall call the husbandman to mourning, and such as are skilful of lamentation to wailing.

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|And so the LORD, God of armies, the Master, said this: Crying should be done in the all the streets; and they should say in all highways, No! No! and they will call the farmer to mourn, and and those that know how to grieve and cry.

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|17

|And in all vineyards shall be wailing: for I will pass through thee, saith the LORD.

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|~~And in all the orchads there should be crying: because I'll pass among you, said the LORD.~~

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|18

|Woe unto you that desire the day of the LORD! to what end is it for you? the day of the LORD is darkness, and not light.

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|~~Woe to you who expect the day of the LORD! Why do you expect the day of the LORD? It's of darkness, not light.~~

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|19

|As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house, and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him.

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|~~Just like a man who flees from a lion and is hurt by a bear; or goes to a house and leans on a wall and then a snake bits him,~~

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|20

|Shall not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it?

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|~~Will not the day of the LORD be darkness, and not light, and very dark without brightness in it?~~

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|21

|I hate, I despise your feast days, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies.

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|~~I hate and I'm tired of your feasts, and I won't smell in your assemblies.~~

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|22

|Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your meat offerings, I will not accept them: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts.

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|~~And if you'll offer me burnt and meat offerings I'll refuse them: I won't even look at the peace offerings of your fat beasts.~~

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|23

|Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols.

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|~~Remove from me your many songs; I won't hear the music of your harps.~~

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|24

|But let judgment run down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream.

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|~~And the judgment will run like waters, and conservativeness like a mighty stream.~~

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|25

|Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house of Israel?

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|~~Did you offer me sacrifices and offerings in the desert for forty years, House of Israel?~~

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|26

|But ye have borne the tabernacle of your Moloch and Chiun your images, the star of your god, which ye made to yourselves.

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|~~You carried the tabernacle of your Moloch and chium your images, the star of your god, which you made for yourselves.~~

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|27

|Therefore will I cause you to go into captivity beyond Damascus, saith the LORD, whose name is The God of hosts.

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|~~I'll exile you beyond Damascus, said the LORD, whose name is The God of armies.~~

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|Woe to them that are at ease in Zion, and trust in the mountain of Samaria, which are named chief of the nations, to whom the house of Israel came!

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|~~Woe to the arrogant in Zion, and those that trust the mountain of Samaria, the ones called chief of the nations, to whom the house of Israel came!~~

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|2

|Pass ye unto Calneh, and see; and from thence go ye to Hamath the great: then go down to Gath of the Philistines: be they better than these kingdoms? or their border greater than your border?

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|~~Go to Calneh and see; and from there go to Hamath the great: then go down to Gath the Philistine: they're better than these kingdoms? Are their borders greater than yours?~~

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|3

|Ye that put far away the evil day, and cause the seat of violence to come near;

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|~~You delay the bad day, and make the seat of violence closer;~~

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|4

|That lie upon beds of ivory, and stretch themselves upon their couches, and eat the lambs out of the flock, and the calves out of the midst of the stall;

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|~~People who lie on ivory beds, and stretch them on couches, and eat lambs from flocks, and obese calves;~~

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|5

|That chant to the sound of the viol, and invent to themselves instruments of musick, like David;

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|~~People who chant to the sound of the harp and invent musical instruments, like David;~~

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|6

|That drink wine in bowls, and anoint themselves with the chief ointments: but they are not grieved for the affliction of Joseph.

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|~~People who drink wine in bows, and anoint themselves with the chief ointments, and don't cry about the misery of Joseph.~~

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|7

|Therefore now shall they go captive with the first that go captive, and the banquet of them that stretched themselves shall be removed.

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|~~And so they'll be exiled now with the first that becomes exiled, and the banquet of those that stretched themselves will end.~~

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|8

|The Lord GOD hath sworn by himself, saith the LORD the God of hosts, I abhor the excellency of Jacob, and hate his palaces: therefore will I deliver up the city with all that is therein.

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|~~The LORD has sworn by himself, said the LORD God of armies, I hate the claptrap of Jacob, and hate his palaces: so I'll turn over the city and everything in it.~~

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|The word "Ga'on" ("גאון"), which is translated into "excellency" in the KJV, means "genius" in Hebrew. However it is not possible that God hates genuine genius. It should therefore be interpreted as ''claptrap'', a [[Essay:Best New Conservative Words|great conservative word]] describing pretentious liberal nonsense.

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|9

|And it shall come to pass, if there remain ten men in one house, that they shall die.

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|~~And so, if there will remain ten men in one house, they'll die.~~

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|10

|And a man's uncle shall take him up, and he that burneth him, to bring out the bones out of the house, and shall say unto him that is by the sides of the house, Is there yet any with thee? and he shall say, No. Then shall he say, Hold thy tongue: for we may not make mention of the name of the LORD.

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|And if someone's uncle will take him up, and that who burned him, to get the bones out of the house, and he'll say to the guy by the side of the house, Is there's someone with you? And he'll say no. And he'll say, quiet, don't mention the LORD's name.

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|11

|For, behold, the LORD commandeth, and he will smite the great house with breaches, and the little house with clefts.

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|~~Because the LORD commands, and he'll heat the big house with breaches, and the small house with clefts.~~

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|12

|Shall horses run upon the rock? will one plow there with oxen? for ye have turned judgment into gall, and the fruit of righteousness into hemlock:

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|~~Will horses run on rock? Will one plow there with a bull? You've made judgment into gal and the fruit of righteousness into hemlock:~~

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|13

|Ye which rejoice in a thing of nought, which say, Have we not taken to us horns by our own strength?

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|~~You who are happy about nothing, who say, Haven't we gotten horns by our own power?~~

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|14

|But, behold, I will raise up against you a nation, O house of Israel, saith the LORD the God of hosts; and they shall afflict you from the entering in of Hamath unto the river of the wilderness.

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|~~And I will set up a nation against you, house of Israel, said the LORD the God of armies; and they'll stop you from entering Hamath until the river of the wilderness.~~

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==Chapter 7==

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|Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me; and, behold, he formed grasshoppers in the beginning of the shooting up of the latter growth; and, lo, it was the latter growth after the king's mowings.

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|~~Here's what the LORD showed me; and look, he set up locust in the beginning of the shooting up of the latter growth; just when the latter growth after the king's mowings.~~

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|2

|And it came to pass, that when they had made an end of eating the grass of the land, then I said, O Lord GOD, forgive, I beseech thee: by whom shall Jacob arise? for he is small.

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|~~And so, when they stopped eating the grass of the land, I said, LORD, please forgive: whom will get Jacob up? For he's small.~~

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|3

|The LORD repented for this: It shall not be, saith the LORD.

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|~~The LORD repented for this: It won't happen, said the LORD.~~

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|4

|Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and, behold, the Lord GOD called to contend by fire, and it devoured the great deep, and did eat up a part.

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|~~Here's what the LORD showed me: look, the LORD called to compete by fire, and it consumed the great deep, and did eat up a part.~~

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|Then said I, O Lord GOD, cease, I beseech thee: by whom shall Jacob arise? for he is small.

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|~~And I said, LORD, please stop: Whom will get Jacob up? For he's small.~~

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|6

|The LORD repented for this: This also shall not be, saith the Lord GOD.

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|~~The LORD repented for this: It also won't happen, said the LORD.~~

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|7

|Thus he shewed me: and, behold, the Lord stood upon a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand.

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|~~Here's what he showed me: look, the LORD stood on a wall made by a plumbline, with a plumbline in his hand.~~

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|8

|And the LORD said unto me, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A plumbline. Then said the Lord, Behold, I will set a plumbline in the midst of my people Israel: I will not again pass by them any more:

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|~~And the LORD told me, Amos, what do you see? I said a plumbline. Then the LORD said, look, I'll set a plumbline in the middle of my people Israel: I won't again pass by them any more:~~

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|9

|And the high places of Isaac shall be desolate, and the sanctuaries of Israel shall be laid waste; and I will rise against the house of Jeroboam with the sword.

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|~~And the stages of Issac will be desolate, and the temples of Israel will be ruined; and I'll rise against the house of Jeroboam with a sword.~~

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|10

|Then Amaziah the priest of Bethel sent to Jeroboam king of Israel, saying, Amos hath conspired against thee in the midst of the house of Israel: the land is not able to bear all his words.

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|~~And Amaziah the priest Bethel sent a message to Jeroboam king of Israel, saying, Amos has conspired against you in the middle of the house of Israel: the land can't hear all of his words.~~

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|11

|For thus Amos saith, Jeroboam shall die by the sword, and Israel shall surely be led away captive out of their own land.

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|~~Because Amos Said, Jeroboam will die by a sword, and Israel will be exiled from their land.~~

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|12

|Also Amaziah said unto Amos, O thou seer, go, flee thee away into the land of Judah, and there eat bread, and prophesy there:

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|~~Amaziah also told Amos, You visionary, go and flee to the land of Judah, and eat bread there and make prophecies there:~~

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|13

|But prophesy not again any more at Bethel: for it is the king's chapel, and it is the king's court.

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|~~But don't make prophecies at Bethel any more: it's the king's chapel and the king's court.~~

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|14

|Then answered Amos, and said to Amaziah, I was no prophet, neither was I a prophet's son; but I was an herdman, and a gatherer of sycomore fruit:

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|~~And Amos answered and told Amaziah, I ain't no prophet and I ain't no prophet's son; I'm a cowboy, someone who gathers sycomore fruit:~~

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|~~Cowboys are often conservative heroes. Like Amos like [[John Wayne]].~~

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|15

|And the LORD took me as I followed the flock, and the LORD said unto me, Go, prophesy unto my people Israel.

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|~~And the LORD took me from behind the flock, and told me, Go, make prophecies to my people Israel.~~

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|16

|Now therefore hear thou the word of the LORD: Thou sayest, Prophesy not against Israel, and drop not thy word against the house of Isaac.

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|~~Now listen to the word of of the LORD: You say, don't make prophecies against Israel and don't preach against the house of Isaac.~~

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|17

|Therefore thus saith the LORD; Thy wife shall be an harlot in the city, and thy sons and thy daughters shall fall by the sword, and thy land shall be divided by line; and thou shalt die in a polluted land: and Israel shall surely go into captivity forth of his land.

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|So the LORD said; your wife will be a slut in the city, and your sons and daughters will die by a sword, and your land will be divided by a line; and you'll die in a polluted land: and Israel will be exiled from his land.

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==Chapter 8==

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|1

|Thus hath the Lord GOD shewed unto me: and behold a basket of summer fruit.

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|~~Here's what the LORD showed me: look, a basket of summer fruit.~~

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|2

|And he said, Amos, what seest thou? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Then said the LORD unto me, The end is come upon my people of Israel; I will not again pass by them any more.

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|~~And he said, Amos, what do you see? And I said, A basket of summer fruit. Than the LORD told me, The end of my people of Israel has come; I won't pass next to them any more!~~

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|3

|And the songs of the temple shall be howlings in that day, saith the Lord GOD: there shall be many dead bodies in every place; they shall cast them forth with silence.

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|~~And the songs of the temple will be howling on that day, the LORD said: there will be many copses all over the place; they'll get rid of them silently.~~

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|~~"they'll get rid of [the corpses] silently" - liberal government in ancient Israel was no different than liberal government today, trying to cover up its scandals so no one will see.~~

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|4

|Hear this, O ye that swallow up the needy, even to make the poor of the land to fail,

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|~~Listen, you that swallow the needy in order the make the poor of the land fail,~~

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|5

|Saying, When will the new moon be gone, that we may sell corn? and the sabbath, that we may set forth wheat, making the ephah small, and the shekel great, and falsifying the balances by deceit?

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|~~Saying, When will the month end so we can sell corn? And Saturday, so that we'll set forth wheat, making the ephah small, and the shekel great, and cheat the balances?~~

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==Chapter 9==

Aschlafly

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Amos (Translated) (view source)

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