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Genesis 35-42 (Translated) (view source)
Revision as of 15:32, December 8, 2009
, 15:32, December 8, 2009→Chapter 35
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|And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.
|And God said unto Jacob, Arise, go up to Bethel, and dwell there: and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fleddest from the face of Esau thy brother.
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|And God Said unto Stephen, Arise and go up to Bethel, and stay for a time, and make there an altar unto God, that appeared unto thee when thou fled from the face of Stweart thy brother.
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|Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:
|Then Jacob said unto his household, and to all that were with him, Put away the strange gods that are among you, and be clean, and change your garments:
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|Then Stephen said unto his household, and to all that were nearby, Put away the strange gods that dwell among you, and use some soap, and change your garments, as they stinkith
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|And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.
|And let us arise, and go up to Bethel; and I will make there an altar unto God, who answered me in the day of my distress, and was with me in the way which I went.
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|And Stephen said unto them, I have just had a great idea, let's go to Bethel; the weather is pleasant, and it will please God greatly when I get done building this altar thing.
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|And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.
|And they gave unto Jacob all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings which were in their ears; and Jacob hid them under the oak which was by Shechem.
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|And they gave unto Stephen all the strange gods which were in their hand, and all their earrings, watches, wallets and money clips, and Stephen hid them under his shirt what was by Charles Tyrwhitt and wasn't cheap.
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|And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.
|And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the cities that were round about them, and they did not pursue after the sons of Jacob.
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|And they journeyed: and the terror of God was upon the liberal media that were covering them, and they did not pursue Stephen or his sons.
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|So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.
|So Jacob came to Luz, which is in the land of Canaan, that is, Bethel, he and all the people that were with him.
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|So Stephen came to Lulz, which is in the land of Cannan, that is, Bethel, he and all his people wondered why they didn't just call it Bethel.
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|And he built there an altar, and called the place El-beth-el: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.
|And he built there an altar, and called the place El-beth-el: because there God appeared unto him, when he fled from the face of his brother.
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|And he had built there an altar, and called the place Stephen's Bethel: because God told him he should have it after having betrayed his brother Stewart
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|But Deborah Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allon-bachuth.
|But Deborah Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: and the name of it was called Allon-bachuth.
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|But Deborah Rebekah's nurse died, and she was buried beneath Bethel under an oak: the only funeral that Stephen could afford without having to write another book or something.
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|And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padan-aram, and blessed him.
|And God appeared unto Jacob again, when he came out of Padan-aram, and blessed him.
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|And God appeared unto Stephen again, saw what he was wearing, and blessed him.
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|And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.
|And God said unto him, Thy name is Jacob: thy name shall not be called any more Jacob, but Israel shall be thy name: and he called his name Israel.
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|And God said unto him, Thy name is Stephen: thy name shall not be called any more Stephen, but Colbert shall be thy name: and he called his name Colbert
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|And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;
|And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: be fruitful and multiply; a nation and a company of nations shall be of thee, and kings shall come out of thy loins;
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|And God said unto him, I am God Almighty: but, I'm not as cool as you, I'd like to know how you do it? Is it the shirts? The hair? Whatever it may be, use it to be fruitful (I think you know what I mean) and multiply; a nation, a Colbert nation shall be of thee, and kings or perhaps a rock star will come out of thy loins;
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|And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
|And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed after thee will I give the land.
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|And the land which I gave John and Craig, to thee I will give it, and to thy seed, you should probably use a towel for that, tissue tends to stick.
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|And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
|And God went up from him in the place where he talked with him.
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|And God said, later, and and that was about it.
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|And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.
|And Jacob set up a pillar in the place where he talked with him, even a pillar of stone: and he poured a drink offering thereon, and he poured oil thereon.
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|And Stephen set up a local tourist attraction in the place where he talked with him, he poured a drink and sat back thinking about all the money he'd make, and he poured some oil on the ground just for fun.
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|And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
|And Jacob called the name of the place where God spake with him, Bethel.
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|And Stephen started calling every place Bethel, as he owned anything with that name.
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|And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
|And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to Ephrath: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour.
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|And they journeyed from Bethel; and there was but a little way to come to L.A.: and Rachel travailed, and she had hard labour; Ross was late.
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|And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
|And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this son also.
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|And it came to pass, when she was in hard labour, that the midwife said unto her, Fear not; thou shalt have this daughter alone, but get back together with Ross in the Series Finale.
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|And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Ben-oni: but his father called him Benjamin.
|And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Ben-oni: but his father called him Benjamin.
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|And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for the ratings had declined that she called her name Emma: but his father wanted to call her Ruth.
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|And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.
|And Rachel died, and was buried in the way to Ephrath, which is Bethlehem.
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|And Rachel died, and was buried in the tabloid press.
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|And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.
|And Jacob set a pillar upon her grave: that is the pillar of Rachel's grave unto this day.
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|And Stephen set a pillar upon her grave: that is where his "Team Jennifer" T-Shirt hangs unto this day.
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|And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
|And Israel journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar.
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|And Stephen journeyed, and spread his tent beyond the tower of Edar, which was a very big tower in those days.
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|And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
|And it came to pass, when Israel dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with Bilhah his father's concubine: and Israel heard it. Now the sons of Jacob were twelve:
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|And it came to pass, when Stephen dwelt in that land, that Reuben went and lay with anyone for a short time after 2003, and Stephen heard it. Now he had to figure out how to get on American Idol.
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|The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob's firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
|The sons of Leah; Reuben, Jacob's firstborn, and Simeon, and Levi, and Judah, and Issachar, and Zebulun:
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|The sons of Leia and Han, Chewbacca's firstborn and Luke and C3PO, and R2D2, and that guy that says, "It's a trap".
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|The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
|The sons of Rachel; Joseph, and Benjamin:
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|The sons of Rachel, Emma and gosh we hope that someday a real baby with that John Mayer, they make such a cute couple.
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|And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel's handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
|And the sons of Bilhah, Rachel's handmaid; Dan, and Naphtali:
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|And the sons of Phoebe, Rachel's handmaid; does that girl even work in T.V. anymore?
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|And the sons of Zilpah, Leah's handmaid; Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padan-aram.
|And the sons of Zilpah, Leah's handmaid; Gad, and Asher: these are the sons of Jacob, which were born to him in Padan-aram.
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|And the sons of Zappa, Dweezil and Moon Unit, Ahmet and Diva, these are the sons of Stephen.
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|And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
|And Jacob came unto Isaac his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, where Abraham and Isaac sojourned.
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|And Stephen came unto Kilborn his father unto Mamre, unto the city of Arbah, which is Hebron, which is just up the road, second left after the Denny's.
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|And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
|And the days of Isaac were an hundred and fourscore years.
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|And the days of Kilborn were a little over two years.
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|And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.
|And Isaac gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, being old and full of days: and his sons Esau and Jacob buried him.
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|And Kilborn gave up the ghost, and died, and was gathered unto his people, and being old and thinking he might have a future in movies, he was buried by his sons Stewart and Colbert.
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==Chapter 36==
==Chapter 36==