Talk:Essay: The Special Interests Candidate

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You got a few typos in there, buddy. Want them fixed? Human 20:39, 28 August 2008 (EDT)

Yes, Jpatt, would you like some free copyediting? Assuming you aren't doing "the work", of course. Wandering 21:58, 28 August 2008 (EDT)

Grammar Lesson

I deleted the "lesson" as it was totally ignored for three weeks; this "essay" remains woefully inept and nearly incomprehensible. Marge 11:57, 20 September 2008 (EDT)

Thanks for the vote of confidence (woefully inept and nearly dumby like) but I have been busy with other projects. Back to politics 30 days before the election--50 star flag.png jp 12:02, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
Please, people, do not fight. I've just read the essay for the first time and I think it fills a useful gap - though is clearly (as I'm sure jp would admit) a somewhat rough first attempt. The passion, integrity and anger with which it was written do shine out. I'd like to suggest to you and request you, Jpatt, that you work on this as something of a priority: it's a piece we need, and, once honed to its full sharpness, it will be something to behold. I'm sure Marge would concur. Best wishes, Bugler 12:10, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
As Mr. Bugler says, "once honed to its full sharpness" it will be "something to behold". The point is, however, that this essay has been linked to the Barack Obama article since the day of it's inception. Perhaps a move to a Jpatt sub-page, (which we already know he knows how to make one of those) would be advised until the essay is polished.

I did not comment on the content as that would would have been inappropriate for my purpose and I will not do so now, only to say that (as Mr. Bugler mentioned), "The passion, integrity and anger..." show through quite clearly. The problem with writing with an angry style is that it is all too easy for the anger of the writer to be perceived as hatred by the reader. While the essay never says flat out, "I hate Obama", the hate and vitriol of all things and people associated with Mr. Obama would lead a reasonable, average reader to conclude that the writer hates Obama as well.

The long listing of "special interests" undercuts the main thesis by suggesting that a wide variety of people and "interests" (some opposed to one another's political agendas) seem to be rallying behind Obama. This leads one to think that the writer is against people from varying backgrounds and interests forming a political coalition to endeavor to get Obama elected. This might imply his base of support is much wider than that of Senator McCain.
The foreign nationals' support is a complete non sequitur and should be cut altogether. Marge 14:06, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
If I correct, will it get your approval to stay?-- 50 star flag.png jp 14:18, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
It doesn't need my "approval" to stay. My points were merely to address the grammatical quality and internal integrity of the essay itself. If you choose to make corrections (with or without taking my advice) it will be a better essay. If you choose to leave it as it is, this is your choice. It will (likely) remain here and still be linked directly with the Barack Obama article. One would certainly hope that you would put forth your very best effort to convey your thoughts. Marge 15:45, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
I'm disappointed by Marge's response, but she is correct in that the article doesn't require her approval. I very much hope that Jpatt will continue to work on it, urge him to do so, and look forward (not too presumptuously, I hope) to reading a polished version. As a minor point, I am 'Mr' rather than a 'Mrs'. Bugler 16:00, 20 September 2008 (EDT)
I would wonder why my reply "disappointed" you Mr. Bugler, after all, you yourself urged us to remain amicable and work together towards the common good. Such has been done. I would roll up my sleeves and tackle the work myself but as it is an essay, it has the POV of the person who authored it. For me to endeavor to "polish" it would require a shift in style (if not substance) and the whole would be an ill fit. God bless. Marge 16:15, 20 September 2008 (EDT)


Rewrite

If you don't know already, I am C-level college dropout when it comes to grammar. Looking back, I didn't apply myself. This article was comprised of a Wikiproject:News assignment. I was adding pages regarding Sheikh Jamal Said of Chicago. He was a unindicted co-conspirator in the nations largest terror-financing probe. I told my project leader I would do an essay on what I have learned. That became the Special Interests Candidate, my first and only essay on CP. Now, knowing my deficiencies and the constant Obama lover criticism, see User_talk:Jpatt/Subway_Troll, I decided to write anyway. I posted it and never looked at it again. I put in my summary: Hope my grammar will suffice. Since anybody could edit, I was just hoping at best somebody would. I am still new to the wiki format and didn't realize the implication of this being linked to Obama's page. I certainly, didn't imagine over 600 page views. Now that we are all upfront, I am open to changes, additions, GRAMMAR, spelling, anything. -- 50 star flag.png jp 06:12, 21 September 2008 (EDT)

I think part of what has caused this controversy is that 'Essays' are, by custom and courtesy, not edited by anyone other than the original author, so people have been standing back - but if you're happy for others to help(while presumably not altering the thrust of your essay), then that's fine. I would certainly be happy, with your consent, to make a few cosmetic touches. Bugler 06:48, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
Bugler is correct, Jpatt. I asked up above if you wanted any help with typos, rather than fixing anything, due to that custom. There are a couple of things you could do that would help other people "copyedit" for you, if you have the time and inclination. First, if possible, break up the huge paragraphs into shorter, more digestible ones (not that there is anything technically wrong with long paragraphs, but they do tend to daunt the reader). Second, again, if possible, add some section headers. While headers are more of a wiki thing than an element of formal writing, they help tremendously with organization. Think of them as chapter names if that helps? Human 18:29, 21 September 2008 (EDT)
Feel free to edit, add your name to the talk page just in case credit is due. Human, I will work on your suggestion, thanks. -- 50 star flag.png jp 22:54, 21 September 2008 (EDT)