Zanna Don't

From Conservapedia
Jump to: navigation, search

Zanna Don't is a pro-gay off-Broadway musical, taking place in an alternate reality, where homosexuality is the norm, and straight people face heterophobia, where the quarterback of the football team is ignored and the chess team captain is the coolest guy in school, and the girls haven't got a cheerleading squad, but a mechanical bull riding team.


Zanna Don't is a pro-gay musical, which attempts to force heterosexuals to sympathize and identify with gays, by setting itself in a gay world, where straight people suffer heterophobia. The straight person instinctively feels that heterophobia is wrong, and roots for the heterosexual couple, not realizing that they represent the gay people in our own world.


The show opens with Zanna, the title character, heading out for his first day of the school year at Heartsville High, accompanied by radio music, played by the school DJ Tank, who reminds his listeners, that Zanna is on the look out for singles to match up. ("Who's Got Extra Love?"). We meet best friends, Roberta and Mike. Tomboyish Roberta thanks Zanna for setting her up with her girlfriend Carla, but Chess team Captain Mike implores Zanna not to help him win his crush, the new transfer student, as he wants to win his heart on his own. We also meet said transfer student, Steve, the new quarterback for the football team, and Kate, who doesn't want to be set up either, as she wants to remain single and focus on her studies.

Zanna however, can't resist, and interferes, setting up a romantic meeting between Mike, and Steve, who turns out to he the school's new quarterback, by piping romantic music into the halls as the two talk after the football game ("I Think We Got Love").

He then flits off to see Roberta at her after-school job, tipped off to impending love trouble by his flying friend, Cindy (quite literally ‘a little bird told him’) running into Kate on the way. Kate can't stop to talk, because she's busy postering for the first practice that year for the girls mechanical bull riding team. When Zanna arrives at the diner Roberta has just broken up with Carla over the phone, explaining that she "Aint got Time" for anything but true love. Zanna sees his opportunity, and sends Roberta to the bull riding practice, where she impresses Kate by performing the bullridign sequence perfectly (with a magical assist from Zanna.) ("Ride 'Em")

Zanna, heads home for the night, singing "Zana's Song" as he says goodnight to his magic wand and goodbye to Cindy, who has found a mate and is migrating to Fort Lauderdale. He reads the wand it’s favorite story ‘Cinderella.’

The next day, at the first meeting of the school musical club, the students decide they want to do a show that addresses a pressing social matter, and choose heterophobia. They put together a play within the play, including the numbers "Be A Man, " about not letting heterosexuals into the army, and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, " a duet by a heterosexual couple forced to hide their love in the Army, played by Kate and Steve.

After a good rehearsal, Roberta runs off to her after school job, and Mike to a chess practice leaving, Kate and Steve alone. The two admit they have feelings for one another, but agree that they can’t be together, because the town is extremely heterophobic. ("Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Reprise ")

Weeks later, down at the "I'm Okay, You're Okay Corral," a milk bar, Mike proposes moving in with Steve after graduation, but Steve, who’s feelings for Mike have waned as he has fallen depper in love with Kate, suggests they should slow down. Three Corral regulars, Tex, Bronco, and Loretta, insist that love should go "Fast." Steve, panics and makes an excuse to leave, leaving a dejected Mike to ponder what is going wrong in their relationship. ("I Could Write Books. ") Later, and much to the amusement of Tex, Bronco, and Loretta, it is also revealed that Zanna has feelings for Steve, tho he claims he can’t act on them, because he must be single to be a matchmaker.

Roberta’s relationship with Kate isn’t going much better, since Kate still secretly has feelings for Steve. She and Mike commiserate, and reflect on how much cooler it would be if they could just be a couple, and dispense with their flaky significant others. Roberta and Mike try kissing but are both disgusted by it. The sing gets a little darker, as Steve and Kate join in, each wishing they could be in love with their same sex partner, so they wouldn’t have to deal with the heterophobia they’ll face if they want to be together. ("Don't You Wish We Could Be In Love? ")

We segway then to the State Chess Finals. Steve promises to exchange varsity rings with Mike after the match, while Kate puts all her effort into being a perfect girlfriend to Roberta. Mike freezes up in the final match, and to help him, Roberta to leads the crowd in a cheer that becomes the song "Whatcha Got? " which propels him to win.

In the excitement over their school winning the championship, Kate and Steve forget themselves and kiss, throwing the town into chaos. Mike and Roberta are devastated, and Kate and Steve feel guilty ("Do You Know What It's Like? "). Kate and Steve are banned from the prom, as heterosexual couples are not allowed, and so plan to run away from Heartsville. Zanna, desperate to make the world safe for them, finds a spell in his tome that will “make the world safe for heterosexuals” at the cost of his powers. (" 'Tis a Far, Far Better Thing I Do/Blow Winds").

When the fog clears, Zanna has turned the world straight. Kate and Steve are king and queen of the prom, and Roberta and Mike are a happy couple, and everyone is singing the prom theme, "Straight To Heaven. " But no one remembers having ever been gay, and they all reject Zanna for being a queer. He sadly agrees to leave them all be, but says he’ll wait, and if they ever want him again, he’ll still be there, hoping that "Someday You Might Love Me." His friends, on hearing this, resend their rejection, and reprise the prom theme, including Zanna ("Right to Heaven")

The rest of the students head off to a post prop party, but Zanna stays behind, realizing that in a straight world, he’s lost his chance at love forever. On his way home, he drops a shoe, and Tank, the school DJ, rushes to return it to him. It turns out, Tank was unaffected by the spell, and has been in love with Zanna all along. ("Sometime, Do You Think We Could Fall In Love? ")