Difference between revisions of "Conservative jokes"
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Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny? | Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny? | ||
| − | Answer: | + | Answer: they're not offensive to their fi fis |
---- | ---- | ||
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me! | Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me! | ||
| Line 12: | Line 12: | ||
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism? | What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism? | ||
| − | : | + | :like progressives and regressives were the same thing. |
---- | ---- | ||
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic? | When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic? | ||
| Line 20: | Line 20: | ||
Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered? | Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered? | ||
| − | : | + | :Germany. |
---- | ---- | ||
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree? | Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree? | ||
| Line 26: | Line 26: | ||
:They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']]. | :They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']]. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What's the only creationist question an evolutionist | + | What's the only creationist question an evolutionist hasn't answered? |
| − | :" | + | :"why are creationists not dead off their ignorance?" |
---- | ---- | ||
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous? | What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous? | ||
| − | : | + | :background radiation. |
---- | ---- | ||
How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb? | How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| − | :Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. | + | :Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. you know, about shit like evolution or MLK being a socialist. |
---- | ---- | ||
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song? | What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song? | ||
| − | :" | + | :"HAHA I PEE PEE WITH MY WEE WEE"<ref>m°↓https://genius.com/Kevinbo202-already-over-part-2-annotated</ref> |
---- | ---- | ||
How can we stop global warming? | How can we stop global warming? | ||
| − | : | + | :by not being blind |
---- | ---- | ||
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack? | What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack? | ||
| − | :Isaac Fig Newton | + | :Isaac Fig Newton. because christians are demons if they care about science. |
---- | ---- | ||
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref> | Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref> | ||
| Line 56: | Line 56: | ||
What do you call a basement full of liberals? | What do you call a basement full of liberals? | ||
| − | :A | + | :A science club.<ref name="ijr" /> |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Today, it was so cold, I saw a | + | Today, it was so cold, I saw a conservative with his hands in his own pockets. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[ | + | I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[Conservative|snowflakes]] will melt in the politically incorrect heat! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What is [[ | + | What is [[Ted Cruz]]'s favorite breakfast cereal? |
:Subtle Trix. | :Subtle Trix. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | And | + | And his favorite Everly Brothers song? |
:"All I Have to Do is Scheme," | :"All I Have to Do is Scheme," | ||
| Line 73: | Line 73: | ||
What's a conservative's favorite shape? | What's a conservative's favorite shape? | ||
| − | :A | + | :A flat head. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do you call a conservative accountant? | What do you call a conservative accountant? | ||
| Line 81: | Line 81: | ||
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country? | Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country? | ||
| − | : | + | :because you're giving wayyyyyy too much attention to the shitty ones. |
---- | ---- | ||
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion? | How do atheists search for nuclear fusion? | ||
| − | : | + | :actually trying. |
But how do the Christians do it? | But how do the Christians do it? | ||
| − | : | + | :they're pigs if they like science.<ref>The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."</ref> |
---- | ---- | ||
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth? | What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth? | ||
| Line 99: | Line 99: | ||
:How lazy are they? | :How lazy are they? | ||
| − | They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. | + | They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. because liberal = Communist |
---- | ---- | ||
How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed? | How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed? | ||
| − | : | + | :from a giant explosion. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists? | What do you call a party for pseudoscientists? | ||
| − | : | + | :The Grand old party. |
---- | ---- | ||
What did the conservative parents name their sons? | What did the conservative parents name their sons? | ||
| Line 119: | Line 119: | ||
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal? | Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal? | ||
| − | : | + | :they don't because they're a bunch of cowards. |
---- | ---- | ||
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election? | How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election? | ||
| − | : | + | :they found she rigged the primaries against bernie. |
---- | ---- | ||
What causes road rage among liberals? | What causes road rage among liberals? | ||
| Line 129: | Line 129: | ||
:When the street light doesn't go green. | :When the street light doesn't go green. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What is the difference between | + | What is the difference between George Bush and a vampire? |
:Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking. | :Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Guns make liberals triggered. | + | Guns make liberals triggered, unlike me. a creationist homophobic science denying genius. |
---- | ---- | ||
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals? | Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals? | ||
| − | :Because | + | :Because hunter avallone doesn't exist |
---- | ---- | ||
What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal? | What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal? | ||
| Line 143: | Line 143: | ||
:A [[RINO]]. | :A [[RINO]]. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What do | + | What do dumbasses and iPhones have in common? |
:If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost. | :If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost. | ||
| Line 149: | Line 149: | ||
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes? | What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes? | ||
| − | : | + | :cigarretes don't have amazing brains. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do liberals and businesses have in common? | What do liberals and businesses have in common? | ||
| − | :They're both | + | :They're both helping the economy. |
---- | ---- | ||
Knock, knock! | Knock, knock! | ||
| Line 159: | Line 159: | ||
Bernie. | Bernie. | ||
Bernie who? | Bernie who? | ||
| − | + | Bernie got fucked by the corporatist left! | |
---- | ---- | ||
Knock, knock! | Knock, knock! | ||
| Line 165: | Line 165: | ||
Irate. | Irate. | ||
Irate who? | Irate who? | ||
| − | Irate | + | Irate this shitty site a zero out of ten! |
==Wikipedia's Slogan== | ==Wikipedia's Slogan== | ||
| Line 200: | Line 200: | ||
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal? | What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal? | ||
| − | : | + | :brain juice, liberals earn their smarts. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | If | + | If a christian sins enough ... is he still a christian? |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | A book never written ... '' | + | A book never written ... ''i am normal'' by Gary Busey. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis | + | Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis(fair enough) |
---- | ---- | ||
Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah | Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah | ||
Revision as of 23:43, November 19, 2018
Welcome to the Conservative Jokes page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many the original work of Conservapedia editors.[1] Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page.
Conservative Jokes
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny?
Answer: they're not offensive to their fi fis
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me!
Conservapedia admin: Like I've never seen a pair of socks before.
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism?
- like progressives and regressives were the same thing.
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic?
- When he saw his parents putting the coal in his stocking.
Where was evidence of Archaeopteryx first discovered?
- Germany.
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree?
- They thought he was the guy from Family Feud.
What's the only creationist question an evolutionist hasn't answered?
- "why are creationists not dead off their ignorance?"
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous?
- background radiation.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. you know, about shit like evolution or MLK being a socialist.
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song?
- "HAHA I PEE PEE WITH MY WEE WEE"[2]
How can we stop global warming?
- by not being blind
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack?
- Isaac Fig Newton. because christians are demons if they care about science.
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?[3]
- You let Putin eat your lunch all day.
What do you call a basement full of liberals?
- A science club.[3]
Today, it was so cold, I saw a conservative with his hands in his own pockets.
I hope global warming is real. Those snowflakes will melt in the politically incorrect heat!
What is Ted Cruz's favorite breakfast cereal?
- Subtle Trix.
And his favorite Everly Brothers song?
- "All I Have to Do is Scheme,"
- (I'll make the country mine / blur the legal line / every time, to get my way / only trouble is, gee whiz / I'm throwing my afterlife away...)
What's a conservative's favorite shape?
- A flat head.
What do you call a conservative accountant?
- Ann Bean-Coulter.
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country?
- because you're giving wayyyyyy too much attention to the shitty ones.
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion?
- actually trying.
But how do the Christians do it?
- they're pigs if they like science.[4]
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth?
- Give the aliens legal status as citizens.
People in Communist groups are so lazy.
- How lazy are they?
They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the October Revolution until November. because liberal = Communist
How does Carl Sagan think the universe was formed?
- from a giant explosion.
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists?
- The Grand old party.
What did the conservative parents name their sons?
- Christian and Hunter.
What do environmentalists do when they finally put an end to hunting and fishing?
- They wake up.
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal?
- they don't because they're a bunch of cowards.
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election?
- they found she rigged the primaries against bernie.
What causes road rage among liberals?
- When the street light doesn't go green.
What is the difference between George Bush and a vampire?
- Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking.
Guns make liberals triggered, unlike me. a creationist homophobic science denying genius.
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals?
- Because hunter avallone doesn't exist
What is Chris Christie's favorite animal?
- A RINO.
What do dumbasses and iPhones have in common?
- If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost.
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes?
- cigarretes don't have amazing brains.
What do liberals and businesses have in common?
- They're both helping the economy.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Bernie. Bernie who? Bernie got fucked by the corporatist left!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Irate. Irate who? Irate this shitty site a zero out of ten!
Wikipedia's Slogan
Far off in the year 2021, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas:
- Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true
- Wikipedia, free the encyclopedia
- Wikipedia: I know you think too, but we think better than you
Where Laboratory Funding Comes From
A congressman wondered if a genetics testing laboratory was worth funding, so he went to the lab, where they recognized him immediately as a leading Democrat with influence over several votes in the House. They greeted him, and he asked them, in words he imagined to be deceiving and sagacious, "If I gave you a sample of my DNA, what could you do with it?"
"We could insert other genes into it," suggested a scientist.
"So you could give me dinosaur traits, like in Jurassic Park?"
"No, only if you were still made of stem cells. But we could glean all of your traits from the information," he diverted.
"Except gender; that's indeterminate," a PR scientist added hastily.
"Very well," he smiled, prepared to prove them lying, "Here's a hair sample. Prove it."
They took the hair sample and told him they needed to use the PCR machine and run some tests, but they'd be back in a few months.
"Oh, no - don't try that. What can you tell me now?"
The scientist shrewdly placed the hair in the PCR machine.
"Hmmm...our machines tell us that you are about 5'11", 44 years old, brown hair, brown eyes, 78% Caucasian, not that it matters, in good health, heartbeat 120 beats per minute, blood pressure 100/70, adroit in political matters, a keen athlete, good reaction time, with an aptitude for science ... is that true?"
"It is," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab."
Conservative Riddles and Puzzles
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal?
- brain juice, liberals earn their smarts.
If a christian sins enough ... is he still a christian?
A book never written ... i am normal by Gary Busey.
Another book never written ... Clinton Explains Benghazi by Heidi Bodhis(fair enough)
Another book never written ... A World of Total Animal Liberation by Pete Ah
The NEA
In a conference room, one teacher is spreading flour and sugar on the chairs, along with some water, beaten eggs, and a hint of vanilla extract. Alarmed, the custodian asks, "What are you doing?"
"Simple," she replied, "You know how the NEA is going to be using this room later? That's when I'm going to turn up the thermostat."
"What? Why?" he demands.
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies."
References
Use these to add notes and references.
- ↑ Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.
- ↑ m°↓https://genius.com/Kevinbo202-already-over-part-2-annotated
- ↑ 3.0 3.1 Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". Independent Journal Review. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/
- ↑ The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."