Difference between revisions of "Conservative jokes"
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| − | Welcome to the | + | Welcome to the '''conservative jokes''' page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many being the original work of Conservapedia editors.<ref>Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.</ref> Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page. |
| − | ==Conservative | + | ==Conservative jokes== |
| + | "Alright dear, remember what your kindergarten teacher said. Let's practice counting to ten!"<br> | ||
| + | "Okay mommy, I'll finish counting to ten in an hour."<br> | ||
| + | "''That'' long? Why?"<br> | ||
| + | "But mommy, I'm following the glorious model of our despotic, hedonistic state government, whose procrastination embodied by the Democrats' ballot counting following a general election occupies a duration of up to months!" | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | Neo-Marxist socialist: "Anti-Zionism isn't equatable to antisemitism!" | ||
| + | |||
| + | Conservative: "Ah yes, because ''real'' oppressive, institutionalized antisemitism has never been tried before, eh?" | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | Who is most likely the ideological figurehead for [[Antifa]]? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :The guy who killed Hitler. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny? | Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny? | ||
| − | + | :They still think of puns as one of the four humors. | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm...if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me! | + | Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm... if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me! |
| − | + | Conservapedia admin: Like I've never seen a pair of socks before. | |
---- | ---- | ||
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism? | What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism? | ||
| − | : | + | :Black-only Friday. |
---- | ---- | ||
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic? | When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic? | ||
| Line 20: | Line 33: | ||
Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered? | Where was evidence of ''Archaeopteryx'' first discovered? | ||
| − | : | + | :Wall Drug's gift store. |
---- | ---- | ||
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree? | Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree? | ||
| Line 26: | Line 39: | ||
:They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']]. | :They thought he was [[Richard Dawson|the guy from ''Family Feud'']]. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What's the only creationist question an evolutionist | + | What's the only creationist question an evolutionist has answered? |
| − | :" | + | :"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" |
---- | ---- | ||
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous? | What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous? | ||
| − | : | + | :They know of no matter existing between Las Vegas and Washington. |
---- | ---- | ||
How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb? | How many [[liberal]]s does it take to screw in a light bulb? | ||
| − | :Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark | + | :Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark. |
---- | ---- | ||
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song? | What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song? | ||
| − | :" | + | :"(You're) Having my Baby." |
---- | ---- | ||
How can we stop global warming? | How can we stop global warming? | ||
| − | : | + | :Leaving our refrigerators open. |
---- | ---- | ||
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack? | What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack? | ||
| − | :Isaac Fig Newton | + | :Isaac Fig Newton |
---- | ---- | ||
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref> | Did you hear about the new Obama diet?<ref name="ijr">Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". ''Independent Journal Review''. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/</ref> | ||
| Line 56: | Line 69: | ||
What do you call a basement full of liberals? | What do you call a basement full of liberals? | ||
| − | :A | + | :A whine cellar.<ref name="ijr" /> |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Today, it was so cold, I saw a | + | Today, it was so cold, I saw a liberal with his hands in his own pockets. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[ | + | I hope [[global warming]] is real. Those [[Liberal|snowflakes]] will melt in the politically incorrect heat! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What is [[ | + | What is [[Hillary Clinton]]'s favorite breakfast cereal? |
:Subtle Trix. | :Subtle Trix. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | And | + | And her favorite Everly Brothers song? |
:"All I Have to Do is Scheme," | :"All I Have to Do is Scheme," | ||
| Line 73: | Line 86: | ||
What's a conservative's favorite shape? | What's a conservative's favorite shape? | ||
| − | :A | + | :A right triangle. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do you call a conservative accountant? | What do you call a conservative accountant? | ||
| Line 81: | Line 94: | ||
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country? | Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country? | ||
| − | : | + | :They don't have the Right. |
---- | ---- | ||
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion? | How do atheists search for nuclear fusion? | ||
| − | : | + | :Through intensive trial and error with expensive laboratory equipment and taxpayer dollars. |
But how do the Christians do it? | But how do the Christians do it? | ||
| − | : | + | :Looking out their windows.<ref>The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."</ref> |
---- | ---- | ||
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth? | What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth? | ||
| Line 99: | Line 112: | ||
:How lazy are they? | :How lazy are they? | ||
| − | They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. | + | They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the [[October Revolution]] until November. |
---- | ---- | ||
How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed? | How does [[Carl Sagan]] think the universe was formed? | ||
| − | : | + | :A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists? | What do you call a party for pseudoscientists? | ||
| − | : | + | :Dance dance evolution. |
---- | ---- | ||
What did the conservative parents name their sons? | What did the conservative parents name their sons? | ||
| Line 119: | Line 132: | ||
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal? | Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal? | ||
| − | :they | + | :Because they rock. |
---- | ---- | ||
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election? | How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election? | ||
| − | : | + | :She was Trumped. |
---- | ---- | ||
What causes road rage among liberals? | What causes road rage among liberals? | ||
| Line 129: | Line 142: | ||
:When the street light doesn't go green. | :When the street light doesn't go green. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What is the difference between | + | What is the difference between Barack Obama and a vampire? |
:Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking. | :Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Guns make liberals triggered | + | Guns make liberals triggered. |
---- | ---- | ||
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals? | Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals? | ||
| − | :Because | + | :Because conservatives can actually take a bullet for someone or something. |
---- | ---- | ||
What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal? | What is [[Chris Christie]]'s favorite animal? | ||
| Line 143: | Line 156: | ||
:A [[RINO]]. | :A [[RINO]]. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | What do | + | What do liberals and iPhones have in common? |
:If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost. | :If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost. | ||
| Line 149: | Line 162: | ||
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes? | What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes? | ||
| − | : | + | :[[Donald Trump]] doesn't smoke cigarettes. |
---- | ---- | ||
What do liberals and businesses have in common? | What do liberals and businesses have in common? | ||
| − | :They're both | + | :They're both owned by Donald Trump. |
---- | ---- | ||
Knock, knock! | Knock, knock! | ||
| Line 159: | Line 172: | ||
Bernie. | Bernie. | ||
Bernie who? | Bernie who? | ||
| − | + | Yep! You said it right! | |
---- | ---- | ||
Knock, knock! | Knock, knock! | ||
| Line 165: | Line 178: | ||
Irate. | Irate. | ||
Irate who? | Irate who? | ||
| − | Irate | + | Irate the Obama administration a zero out of ten! |
| + | ---- | ||
| + | How do you win an argument with a liberal? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :You can't, the snowflakes melt too quickly. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | Why did Bernie Sanders become a socialist? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :Because he didn't want anyone else to be a millionaire. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | What's Donald Trump's favorite form of comedy? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :Liberal media. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | What is the difference between a liberal and a gun? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :A gun has only one trigger. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :A puppy stops whining when it grows up. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | Why do millennials like Karl Marx so much? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :He lived off someone else's money. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | Why is socialism self-defeating? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :In order for it to "work," people must first ''buy'' the notion. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | What did the girl with the computer say to the chair? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :Conservatism. | ||
| + | ---- | ||
| + | How long does it take a liberal to change a car tyre? | ||
| + | |||
| + | :Crowbar. | ||
==Wikipedia's Slogan== | ==Wikipedia's Slogan== | ||
| − | Far off in the year | + | Far off in the year 2031, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas: |
*Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true | *Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true | ||
| Line 197: | Line 246: | ||
"It ''is''," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab." | "It ''is''," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab." | ||
| − | ==Conservative | + | ==Conservative riddles and puzzles== |
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal? | What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal? | ||
| − | : | + | :Water, whether tap or bottled |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | If | + | If an atheist deifies himself enough ... is he still an atheist? |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | A book never written ... '' | + | A book never written ... ''The Ultimate Liberal Government'' by Ann R. Key. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis | + | Another book never written ... ''Clinton Explains Benghazi'' by Heidi Bodhis |
---- | ---- | ||
Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah | Another book never written ... ''A World of Total Animal Liberation'' by Pete Ah | ||
| Line 215: | Line 264: | ||
"What? Why?" he demands.<br> | "What? Why?" he demands.<br> | ||
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies." | "I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies." | ||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
| − | |||
==See also== | ==See also== | ||
*[[Conservative humor and satire resources]] | *[[Conservative humor and satire resources]] | ||
*[[Conservative parables]] | *[[Conservative parables]] | ||
| + | *[[Mystery:Does God Have a Sense of Humor?]] | ||
| + | |||
| + | ==References== | ||
| + | {{reflist}} | ||
==External links== | ==External links== | ||
Latest revision as of 02:41, January 19, 2023
Welcome to the conservative jokes page. Here is a collection of various jokes, many being the original work of Conservapedia editors.[1] Conservapedia editors are encouraged to add their own humor to this page.
Conservative jokes
"Alright dear, remember what your kindergarten teacher said. Let's practice counting to ten!"
"Okay mommy, I'll finish counting to ten in an hour."
"That long? Why?"
"But mommy, I'm following the glorious model of our despotic, hedonistic state government, whose procrastination embodied by the Democrats' ballot counting following a general election occupies a duration of up to months!"
Neo-Marxist socialist: "Anti-Zionism isn't equatable to antisemitism!"
Conservative: "Ah yes, because real oppressive, institutionalized antisemitism has never been tried before, eh?"
Who is most likely the ideological figurehead for Antifa?
- The guy who killed Hitler.
Person reading "Conservative jokes" page: Why do relativity-deniers think puns are so funny?
- They still think of puns as one of the four humors.
Conservapedia vandal: Hmmm... if I make two fake accounts, instead of one, they'll never suspect me!
Conservapedia admin: Like I've never seen a pair of socks before.
What do progressive stores hold to show their "progressive" reverse racism?
- Black-only Friday.
When did Michael Shermer become a skeptic?
- When he saw his parents putting the coal in his stocking.
Where was evidence of Archaeopteryx first discovered?
- Wall Drug's gift store.
Why did Westminster University give Richard Dawkins an honorary degree?
- They thought he was the guy from Family Feud.
What's the only creationist question an evolutionist has answered?
- "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
What's the only reason pseudoscientists know of for the universe's not being homogenous?
- They know of no matter existing between Las Vegas and Washington.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Zero, they prefer to remain in the dark.
What is an abortion surgeon's least favorite song?
- "(You're) Having my Baby."
How can we stop global warming?
- Leaving our refrigerators open.
What God-inspired physicist can be eaten as a snack?
- Isaac Fig Newton
Did you hear about the new Obama diet?[2]
- You let Putin eat your lunch all day.
What do you call a basement full of liberals?
- A whine cellar.[2]
Today, it was so cold, I saw a liberal with his hands in his own pockets.
I hope global warming is real. Those snowflakes will melt in the politically incorrect heat!
What is Hillary Clinton's favorite breakfast cereal?
- Subtle Trix.
And her favorite Everly Brothers song?
- "All I Have to Do is Scheme,"
- (I'll make the country mine / blur the legal line / every time, to get my way / only trouble is, gee whiz / I'm throwing my afterlife away...)
What's a conservative's favorite shape?
- A right triangle.
What do you call a conservative accountant?
- Ann Bean-Coulter.
Why can't a group of all liberals assemble a country?
- They don't have the Right.
How do atheists search for nuclear fusion?
- Through intensive trial and error with expensive laboratory equipment and taxpayer dollars.
But how do the Christians do it?
- Looking out their windows.[3]
What did Obama do when a ship from outer space landed on Earth?
- Give the aliens legal status as citizens.
People in Communist groups are so lazy.
- How lazy are they?
They're so lazy, they didn't get around to the October Revolution until November.
How does Carl Sagan think the universe was formed?
- A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away.
What do you call a party for pseudoscientists?
- Dance dance evolution.
What did the conservative parents name their sons?
- Christian and Hunter.
What do environmentalists do when they finally put an end to hunting and fishing?
- They wake up.
Why do many conservatives listen to heavy metal?
- Because they rock.
How did Hillary Clinton lose the 2016 presidential election?
- She was Trumped.
What causes road rage among liberals?
- When the street light doesn't go green.
What is the difference between Barack Obama and a vampire?
- Well at least a vampire eventually stops sucking.
Guns make liberals triggered.
Why do conservatives like guns unlike liberals?
- Because conservatives can actually take a bullet for someone or something.
What is Chris Christie's favorite animal?
- A RINO.
What do liberals and iPhones have in common?
- If you don't hear them for a long time, they probably lost.
What is the difference between liberals and cigarettes?
- Donald Trump doesn't smoke cigarettes.
What do liberals and businesses have in common?
- They're both owned by Donald Trump.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Bernie. Bernie who? Yep! You said it right!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Irate. Irate who? Irate the Obama administration a zero out of ten!
How do you win an argument with a liberal?
- You can't, the snowflakes melt too quickly.
Why did Bernie Sanders become a socialist?
- Because he didn't want anyone else to be a millionaire.
What's Donald Trump's favorite form of comedy?
- Liberal media.
What is the difference between a liberal and a gun?
- A gun has only one trigger.
What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
- A puppy stops whining when it grows up.
Why do millennials like Karl Marx so much?
- He lived off someone else's money.
Why is socialism self-defeating?
- In order for it to "work," people must first buy the notion.
What did the girl with the computer say to the chair?
- Conservatism.
How long does it take a liberal to change a car tyre?
- Crowbar.
Wikipedia's Slogan
Far off in the year 2031, Wikipedia has been around for two decades, and is constantly begging for money. They consider the options of shutting down or switching to a paid system, and decide to switch to a membership system where active editors can browse, and anyone else must pay to be an active editor, make a certain quantity of helpful edits, and then browse. They realize, at this point, that they need a new slogan, as they are no longer Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Having very little in their creative minds, the Wikipedia owners crowdsource the new slogan and hold a slogan challenge. Here are some of the winning ideas:
- Wikipedia: If there's a number in blue, then it's gotta be true
- Wikipedia, free the encyclopedia
- Wikipedia: I know you think too, but we think better than you
Where Laboratory Funding Comes From
A congressman wondered if a genetics testing laboratory was worth funding, so he went to the lab, where they recognized him immediately as a leading Democrat with influence over several votes in the House. They greeted him, and he asked them, in words he imagined to be deceiving and sagacious, "If I gave you a sample of my DNA, what could you do with it?"
"We could insert other genes into it," suggested a scientist.
"So you could give me dinosaur traits, like in Jurassic Park?"
"No, only if you were still made of stem cells. But we could glean all of your traits from the information," he diverted.
"Except gender; that's indeterminate," a PR scientist added hastily.
"Very well," he smiled, prepared to prove them lying, "Here's a hair sample. Prove it."
They took the hair sample and told him they needed to use the PCR machine and run some tests, but they'd be back in a few months.
"Oh, no - don't try that. What can you tell me now?"
The scientist shrewdly placed the hair in the PCR machine.
"Hmmm...our machines tell us that you are about 5'11", 44 years old, brown hair, brown eyes, 78% Caucasian, not that it matters, in good health, heartbeat 120 beats per minute, blood pressure 100/70, adroit in political matters, a keen athlete, good reaction time, with an aptitude for science ... is that true?"
"It is," replied the Congressman, amazed. "You may not know it - but I am quite ad-what, or whatever you said, in political matters. I'm a Congressman, and this work you do is so amazing, I'll have to vote in favor of funding this lab."
Conservative riddles and puzzles
What liquid is worth 0.4 cents a gallon to a conservative, but $1.22 per gallon to a liberal?
- Water, whether tap or bottled
If an atheist deifies himself enough ... is he still an atheist?
A book never written ... The Ultimate Liberal Government by Ann R. Key.
Another book never written ... Clinton Explains Benghazi by Heidi Bodhis
Another book never written ... A World of Total Animal Liberation by Pete Ah
The NEA
In a conference room, one teacher is spreading flour and sugar on the chairs, along with some water, beaten eggs, and a hint of vanilla extract. Alarmed, the custodian asks, "What are you doing?"
"Simple," she replied, "You know how the NEA is going to be using this room later? That's when I'm going to turn up the thermostat."
"What? Why?" he demands.
"I'm trying a new recipe for academia nut cookies."
See also
References
- ↑ Other works must be attributed to their respective authors.
- ↑ 2.0 2.1 Hulsey, Emily. "21 Jokes That Only Conservatives Will Find Funny". Independent Journal Review. http://ijr.com/2014/05/139652-21-jokes-conservatives-will-find-funny/
- ↑ The Sun, and all stars, are examples of nuclear fusion (in this case, fusing hydrogen to form helium and other gases). Scientists are seeking to replicate this at lower temperatures, called "cold fusion."