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Talk:Essay: The Special Interests Candidate (view source)
Revision as of 20:12, August 29, 2008
, 20:12, August 29, 2008Good first draft!
Yes, Jpatt, would you like some free copyediting? Assuming you aren't doing "the work", of course. [[User:Wandering|Wandering]] 21:58, 28 August 2008 (EDT)
Yes, Jpatt, would you like some free copyediting? Assuming you aren't doing "the work", of course. [[User:Wandering|Wandering]] 21:58, 28 August 2008 (EDT)
==Grammar Lesson==
<center>'''[This is a grammatical critique of [[Essay:_The_Special Interests Candidate|this essay]]. As such, I will not be commenting as to content, rather how that content is presented. I also realize that the author may well be of tender years and I will not be as scathing were I addressing this to an older person.]''' [[User talk:MargeryCampbell|Marge]] 16:12, 29 August 2008 (EDT)</center>
Barack Obama has an interesting persona that is least observed.
:'''I'm going to guess that as a "work-in-progress" this "sentence" will be made clear in the future. '''
The man is thoroughly discussed; his soul is not. What do we know about Barack Obama's soul? '
:'''One would suspect that the author would begin to talk about Obama's soul right about here.'''
When we think of 'special interests', immediately, politicians comes to mind.
:'''Nope, a whole new tangent. '''
Whereby, secret deals and and political earmark favorites, mixed with wealthy connections and The Peoples tax money. Greed is a fallen trait, a deadly sin, corruption and evil deeds. However, this article is about a different kind of 'Special Interest.' It's about the people whom support Barack Obama.
:'''One can see the thoughts here but it seems that they haven't been formally introduced to each other.
There is an old saying, insight into a man can be found in his friends, "You are the friends you keep." Then, just who are Barack's friends? As you may already know, the Democrats have crowned him the embodiment of iconic liberalism, Emperor stature that reviles in the achievements of John Kennedy (Catholic), and Martin Luther King, a Baptist Republican. If you tear down the often used Democratic 'smoke and mirrors', you'll see that where Obama started out, it is the answer to all the questions raised about him. Every soul is different and I examine thee from afar.
:'''I think you mean "rivals".'''
:'''When you ask a rhetorical question it is customary to answer it for the readers of your essay.'''
Chicago is renowned for it's architecture, arts, it's [a] sprawling Midwest Gotham <s>city</s> of millions. The city that made famous the infamous '''[Pick one or the other]''' Al Capone, has been power broker ever since.
:'''Again, snippets of thoughts strung together cannot ''per se'' usually rendered into a concise cogent argument without some flourishes of connective prose.'''
The vast size of the '''[city's]''' government has given rise to <s>literally</s> hundreds of scandals over the years. <s>It</s> '''[Cook county's government]''' has never known to be entirely corruption free in the modern era. The often accused Chicago politic'''[al]''' system <s>is</s> has been run by multi-millionaire Democratic politicians <s>and has been</s> for more than 50 years. The result, people without the city's best interests '''[in heart]''' stay in office to make the decisions.
Barack Obama entered this power structure in 1996. <s>The Illinois state governor, convicted.</s> '''[NOTE:in ''1996?!'']''' Constant accusations against Chicago mayor Daley.'''[Note: Accused of...?]''' Justice system overburdened, crime at public curfew status, public enforcement in disarray. '''[This is not a sentence, but rather (incomplete) clauses strung together...please "slow down" your writing to allow your reader to follow your thought process.]''' Obama definitely had to work hard to squeeze himself into elite positions with'''[in]''' this political system. There is no doubt that he is tainted by the corruption in this city. Remember'''[,]''' his friends are of like-minded acquaintance: big power makers, deep pockets.
:'''[Try to avoid the "wall of words" that can throw off readers, (especially those reading on the internet), by adding breaks where appropriate.] '''
Tony Rezko is a prime example of Chicago politics. Obama had a relationship with Rezko for years. '''[I've rearranged the next two sentences to clarify the accusation therein.]''' Obama's own house was purchased, at $300,000 below market value, thanks to Rezko [and] all made possible by a corrupt government at Chicago taxpayers' expense.
Another associat'''[e]''', Bill Ayers, an Obama supporter, fundraiser and anti-American liberal. Naturally, the only place you'll find someone with a resume that includes 'domestic terrorism', as a professor in a liberal school in...Chicago. He also created the 'Chicago Annenberg Challenge' that partly controlled $50 million for community development. Barack Obama was the non-profit group[']s first Chairman. Barack has tried to distance himself from Ayers by saying "somehow reflects on me and my values doesn't make much sense."
What is your soul Barack? Is it more than possible, it is probable and it does make sense, clear sense, just not in Obama's favor.
:'''These last two sentences don't parse well. What is it you are trying to say with them? Remember I'm ''not'' talking about the content but the comprehension "What is your soul?" is not a readily answerable question since the context isn't clearly defined. The second sentence hints that the author knows the answer but it is too vague for the reader to guess at the conclusion.'''
Most everyone knows about Rev. Jeremiah Wright, Obama's pastor. Does everyone know '''[what]''' the religious environment '''[is]''' in Chicago? What is going on in Chicago? The religious environment in Chicago is corrupt. Money has lifted the undeserving people into positions of leadership. Money is the root evil. Trinity United was built on government funds, yet it used for dividing Chicago citizens by race. <s>, the very people it was supposed to help.</s> In the name of God, but for money, these churches (if you can call them that) grew to bring in millions upon millions of dollars.
:'''Not everyone knows what "Trinity United" is and you should inform those readers who are ignorant of it. Again, take your time and spell out what you're trying to get across. The last sentence is almost incomprehensible'''
:'''Below I've reconstructed the first two sentences into one that flows a bit better.'''
''Chicago has a vibrant Islamic community of over 400,000 with large congregations and millions of dollars in wealth.'' Over 50 Mosques, many are owned by questionable individuals that are in contact with powerful people. As an example, Bridgeview Mosque was built out of $1.6 million in donations from the Saudi Arabia government, the religious ministry of the United Arab Emirates and from Kuwaiti donors. As of 2008, it is estimated that 10,000 people worship there each week, a million dollar operation. Shaikh Jamal Said was sent from a University in Saudi Arabia to be the Mosques spiritual leader. '''He came to Chicago to teach Arabic to African-American Muslims.''' He ended up coming to America to teach Chicago's African-Americans to hate, hate the oppressor, hate the races, hate America. All this in the same city, sound familiar? The Religious elite in Chicago form their own relationships. It may be [that] Louis Farrakhan, the Muslim, speaks on behalf of the Baptist Rev. Wright. Or it may be it Catholic Father Plagar speaks on behalf of Baptist Rev. Wright. Or it may be connections of the Muslim Jamal Said to Rev. Wright. The ultimate connection is Chicago to Obama and a twenty-year indoctrination into a corrupt religious atmosphere.
His '''[Who? Mr. Obama's?]''' view of life in general is a product of his surroundings. Life as an African-American in Chicago is a much different experience than growing up in Mobile, Alabama.
:'''[Again, this has nothing to do with content, but the writer seems to assure the reader that he ''knows'' life "as an African-American in Chicago AND Mobile Alabama". If the author is not African-American nor has lived in BOTH Chicago AND Mobile then I would suggest this be cut.]'''
The most precious of gifts, a child, is to be snatched away in a sterile abortion clinic. His big city abortion views are preposterous. His supporters, abortion mills, lavish praise for their Prince. The benefits of an Obama-Planned Parenthood partnership are none. The death of innocents would move forward at warp speeds with this person's soul at the controls. His church of twenty years doesn't condone the massacre and he buys into this Democratic pillar 100%. Sadly, those very people are responsible for placing 70% of the abortion facilities in Chicago's low-income African American communities. Barack Obama is complicit for his support and continual expansion of abortion services.
:'''[Mr. Obama is pro-abortion and the writer is pro-life. Okay. Just tone down the rhetorical devices a pinch and this should be fine.]'''
Much can be said of Obama supporters. They are enthusiastic, they like what they hear. They are 20-somethings, they are old-timer Democrats.
:'''[Careful: you've just implied Mr. Obama's supporters include both young and old(er) people, which one ''may'' infer that he has a broad range of support and is "popular".]'''
'''[Obama's]''' Presidential rallies draw 7,000, or maybe 20,000 people in attendance.'''[Pick one number.]''' But who really are the Obama supporters?<s> Iran, while not endorsing him, agrees with Obama's views. Hamas terror organization, on record endorsing Obama.</s>
:'''[''Non sequitur''. The rest can go into a bulleted format (which is not how I'd personally use such a list but seems to be within the [[Conservapedia:Manual of Style|MOS]] used here).]'''
*Militant Black Panthers, on record for Barack Obama.
*Rev. Wright, on record supporting Obama.
*William Ayers, anti-American hater, on record supporting Obama.
*Louis Farrakhan endorses Obama.
*Indicted Chicago developer Tony Rezko, on record for Barack Obama,
*Sheik Jamal Said and the Islamic Society of North America support an Obama Presidency
*Planned Parenthood
*Emily's List
*NARAL- endorses the Democrat.<br>
This special interests list goes on and on. Not good company Obama associates with.
What can we learn of Barack Hussein Obama's soul? It '''<s>has</s>''' has been corrupted to the core.