Difference between revisions of "Affability"

In the Summa Theologica, Part II-II, Question 114, St. Thomas Aquinas speaks of a certain virtue which is commonly translated as “the friendliness which is called affability.” This friendliness, he notes, governs relationships between people because “it behooves man to be maintained in a becoming order towards other men as regards their mutual relations with one another, in point of both deeds and words, so that they behave towards one another in a becoming manner.” It does not only govern those relationships which are intimate or proximate; rather “Every man is naturally every man's friend by a certain general love; even so it is written (Ecclesiasticus 13:19) that ‘every beast loveth its like.’” This does not mean that everyone must be treated with equal intimacy – some people are connected to us by a closer bond than others – but that there is a minimum affability or common decency which is owed to all persons.^[2]

Everyone belongs, but not everyone knows it. “We are naturally every man’s friend.” (Aquinas)

One fellow’s bad day can suddenly be everyone’s bad day. But if just one person is smiling in the hallway… most often, everyone else follows suit. In fact, studies show that the effect on the brain of seeing one person smiling at you is equivalent to that of finding a free million dollars on the street. The brain’s automatic response is to smile in return. You’d have to make a conscious effort to not smile!

Affability – the virtue of friendliness or agreeability. It is a kind of “mutual well-wishing” that binds a city together. It’s not quite friendship. It doesn’t have to involve any affection at all really. It’s the middle ground between being overly agreeable (flattery – being a ‘yes’ man) and being the sort to always pick a fight, even when no one wants to (quarrelsomeness). It’s when you conform yourself to those around you, to their likes, their interests, their needs, and what they want to talk about.

Sirach 4:7 commands one to “make yourself affable”. Chesterton himself tells us that God’s great secret is His mirth, which every saint intuitively knows.

And if we are the Chesterton Saints, then we ought to listen carefully to St. Teresa of Avila who prays that the Lord “save me from sour-faced saints”. Aristotle says, “No one could abide a day with the sad, nor with the joyless.” We don’t need any more bored, gloomy, mediocre people. We need interested, lively, joyful saints! And when we fall in the ‘awkward conversation’ mud beside the road, let us look to heaven and laugh with the same Teresa, “If this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few.” Mother Teresa said, “A smile is the beginning of love.” So, let’s smile at whatever he sends our way this Saturday.^[3]

This special virtue of Friendliness is, however, not necessarily about affection. It is about behaving in a becoming manner. Of course there are different degrees of intimacy and behaviour: a relationship with a stranger is very different to that with a friend of longstanding years; likewise our friendly behaviour in a library is very different to friendly behaviour at a dinner party. Nevertheless the common friendship should underline all our social interactions. When we practise this virtue it obliges us to live in an agreeable manner. When we practise this virtue we bring a little bit of joy, we make life pleasant for others. As Aristotle points out “no one could abide a day with the sad, nor with the joyless”.

St. Thomas shows that the special virtue of Friendliness is part of justice. Whilst this might seem strange, we each owe one other a natural debt. We are obliged by a natural equity to be pleasant, amicable and friendly, due to the social nature of humanity. It can be a difficult virtue to practise but it helps us to flourish both morally and within society.^[4]