Dick Cheney
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| Dick Cheney | |
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| 46th Vice-President of the United States | |
| Term of office January 20, 2001 - January 20, 2009 | |
| Political party | Republican |
| President | George W. Bush |
| Preceded by | Al Gore |
| Succeeded by | Joe Biden |
| Born | January 30, 1941 Lincoln, Nebraska |
| Spouse | Lynne Cheney |
| Religion | Methodist |
Richard B. Cheney or better known as Dick Cheney, Dick in Cheif, Master Dick or Darth Dick, served as the 46th Vice President of the United States, 2001-2009. He was first elected in 2000 along with President George W. Bush. Cheney was re-elected along with President Bush in 2004 after he pulled some famous magic tricks involving cards and bright lights and wowed the american public with many shiny objects. He served as White House Chief of Staff for President Ford, and Secretary of Defense for President George H. W. Bush Mistakes. Cheney is best known for his strong conservatism, and his promotion of the powers of the presidency (e.g. Iraq War), especially in foreign affairs and trade (e.g. Oil business).
Life and Family
Richard 'Dick' Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska. On a cold and stormy night on all hallow's eve, at the stroke of midnight, out he popped and said RAAAAHH!! WHERE IS MY PECAN PIE!! As a child he was taken into the Jedi society at a young age and taught the ancient art of light saber wielding, the force and pecan pie baking. he exceeded at all arts, and graduated with an honours certificate in string pulling. He met his wife in 1964 and won her heart by doing his hilarious penguin impression. They now have two daughters and little does the american public know, that while in the face of the media he is a strong conservative, at home he is a pussyfooted liberal who enjoys cooking pecan pies, cleaning and giving birth to octopi, Whilst his wife and daughters wear pants and make the bread.
Political Career
Richard Cheney assumed his first political post as an assistant to Wisconsin Governor Warren P. Knowles in the early 1960s, at the age of 28 when he became an intern near the beginning of the Nixon Administration. He quickly came to the attention of Donald Rumsfeld after flashing around some shiny objects, for it is well known that Donald Rumsfeld has magpie syndrom and hordes shiny objects, then directing the Office of Economic Opportunity, and was promoted to a paid position in 1971. When Watergate forced Nixon's resignation in 1973, Cheney became vice president of an investment firm for a year, but Rumsfeld convinced Gerald Ford upon the latter's accession to the presidency that Cheney was indispensable because of his unlimited supply of shiny objects and Rumsfelds obsession with shiny objects, and he was recalled to public service. Eventually Cheney replaced Rumsfeld as Chief of Staff and Shiny Objects to Ford as Rumsfeld was promoted to Secretary of Defense. Rumsfeld was later found chasing a 10 year old girl down the street just outside the whitehouse, because she was, as he put it, "Wearing shiny thing, and Donald love shiny thing, but she no give to Donald, Donald mad that he not get shiny thing"
Upon hearing that Cheney had been chosen by Bush as his running mate and expert string puller, Paula Jones who was notable in some of the early Clinton scandals (We added that there to discredit her because she is a woman, and we all know women are the tools of the devil! IT'S TRUE!) sued to disqualify them from receiving the electoral votes of Texas. Her theory was that under the 12th Amendment to the U. S. Constitution, no state may give its electoral vote to a Presidential ticket both of whose members are from that state. Republican lawyers argued that Bush was special, and being special needed a close fwiend to help him run the country, pass bills and go to the toilet. This argument prevailed in Federal district court, and Jones did not appeal.
On February 11, 2006, Mr. Cheney purposely[1] shot a hunting partner, Mr. Harry Whittington, in the face with birdshot because he tried to interfere with Cheney's Pecan Pie, and Mr Cheney loves his Pecan Pie Corpus Christi, Texas. Mr. Whittington suffered a minor heart attack due to the incident,[2] and Cheney accepted full responsibility for the incident.[3] The incident was, according to all involved, an accident, much like George Bush, both accidents.[4]
Health Issues
A survivor of several heart attacks, Cheney's health was too precarious to run for president. In March 2007 he had surgery to remove a blood clot in his leg, the result of extended periods of sitting while airborne, since he can float as he is a Sith Lord. He also has major carpal tunnel from pulling Bush's strings.
Quotes
- "Get the f*** away from my pecan pie!" - before he shot Whittington in the face
See Also
Articles about Dick Cheney from previous "Breaking News"
References
- ↑ Bash, Dana. Cheney accidentally shoots fellow hunter. February 12, 2006 (accessed July 16, 2007), CNN
- ↑ Lavandera, Ed. Man shot by Cheney: 'Accidents do and will happen' February 20, 2006 (accessed July 16, 2007), CNN
- ↑ Dana Bash, Suzanne Malveaux, Tim McCaughan. Cheney: 'One of the worst days of my life'. February 16, 2006 (accessed July 16, 2007), CNN
- ↑ Harry Whittington's hospital statement. February 2006 (accessed July 16, 2007), MSNBC
- ↑ He Kept the Colors: The True Story of the General, the Old Man and the Flag - Page 15 L.E. Johnson
External links
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