Ronald Wilson Reagan
|+ Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable ! Buildings and Structures!! Roads and Highways !! Others |- | Ronald Reagan Presidential Library | Ronald Reagan Expressway || USS Ronald Reagan |- | Ronald Reagan Federal Courthouse |Ronald Reagan Turnpike ||Planet Ronald Reagan |- | Ronald Reagan High School |Ronald Reagan Memorial Highway ||Ronald Reagan Memorial Governorship of California |- | Ronald Reagan Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium |Ronald Reagan Avenue ||Ronald Reagan Island |- | Ronald Reagan Adult Outlet |Ronald Reagan Tunnel|| |- | Ronald Reagan Airport |Ronald Reagan Bridge|| |- | Ronald Reagan Memorial House of Representatives |Ronald Reagan Street||Ronald Reagan Harbour and Ronald Reagan Shipyard, Pago Pago (or just "Pago"), American Samoa |}
If it was built after 1994, it's probably named after him. The only person who has more things named after him is Oscar Wilde
Ronald Reagan's Program to Recreate WWIII
During his fourth term as U. S. president in 1993-1997, President Reagan and Vice President Albert Einstein created what became the most famous political manoeuvre or "Mindfuck" of the late 20th Century. Based on their experiences playing lawn furniture on Star Trek, the "Dynamic Duo" conceived a scheme known as the "Tribble-down Theory." With advice from the self-proclaimed "Chocolate Kyke King of Pimps," Henry Kissinger, this plan sought to save the U. S. from nuclear destruction through the use of tribbles, also known as dingleberries. Kissinger, who invented both the Oh Henry candy bar and the Hershey's kiss, suggested they coat 23,000 tribbles with chocolate sauce and drop them on Moscow, capitol of the U.S.S.R. The Soviets would then believe that their enemy was not the U.S.A., but instead the candy company Mars.
The plan worked, and fooled the Soviets completely. After spending $5.37 trillion on anti-Martian ray guns (secretly sold to them by the U.S.A.), the Soviet Union went bankrupt. It's former leaders defected, and fled Moscow. They moved to Springfield, where they hid for 13 years in the hair of Marge Simpson. The former Soviet leaders struggled, barely made a living working for the Mattel toy company, where they created the Barbie doll. After they had saved enough money, they moved to Houston, Texas, where they infiltrated NASA and replaced President Bill Clinton with a remotely controlled dummy known as George W. Bush.
The Fight of His Life
In the early 1990s, Reagan fought a battle with Pope John Paul 2.0 over who had really defeated Communism and whose assassination attempt had been scarier. Although this match was televised on VH1's Behind the Assholes, the similar match being fought between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald McDonald only made the local news (such as the BBC).
As agreed, the duel took place at sunrise. The weapon the Pope had selected was an incurable degenerative illness, on the theory that God's love would heal the more Catholic of the two elderly warriors. Reagan's weapon was Black America, and a strong belief in "trickle down" killonomics. Little did Pope John Paul 2.0 know that God and Reagan were like this. Both Reagan and the Pope were stricken with one of the most horrific degenerative illnesses in the known multiverse: chronic oxidation. No amount of WD-40 could stop the tragedy which would soon come to pass.
Luckilly for Republicans, Reagan's oxidation was mainly contained to his unused brain. Pope John Paul 2.0's oxidation, on the other hand, tragically destroyed over $2.3 million worth of papal head gear and 5 fully loaded Pope-Mobiles. Vegas put the odds at 2347:1 on the Pope to win the fight buy a landslide, but ultimately no money was paid out. This was because while Reagan's camp ultimately claimed victory due to his quicker death, JP2's camp also claimed victory, because their man suffered longer.
Terrorists have claimed that Reagan actually suffered from a degenerative mental condition while still in office, but in fact he was only very sleepy and forgetful. Unfortunately, however, these bouts of forgetful sleepiness became more pronounced due to chronic iron oxide build-up within Reagan's neurons. All hope was lost when the only aliens in the galaxy with the cure to rust refused to aid Reagan in his darkest hour. They claim this was due to his 'un-capitalistic protectionism' of Earth demonstrated by the Star Wars program, and by his unwillingness to allow for Wal-Mart to open stores on the Blue Planet. The latter was rectified under the Clinton administration, and we now welcome our alien overlords and can 'Buy one for the Tipper.'
Most historians agree that if either of the two men had managed to escape severe God smiting, WWIII would have broken out between the Vatican City (pop. 324), and the USA (pop. 324,749,263). The USA's first strike nuclear capabilities and extensive air superiority would have been pitted squarely against 20 Swiss gaurdsman wearing girly clothes and carrying shiny spears. Most people who hate the Catholic church are really bummed that this didn't come to pass.
A made for TV movie about the incident was released in 2005. Staring Matt Damon as Pope John Paul 2.0, and Susan Summers as Ronald Reagan. The show is considered directly responsible for over 250,000 murders, rapes, and random acts of littering, as well as being the reason behind the existence of Darfur. The original prints have since been burned, although sections of the film are still available on the internet. Bob Dole declined to comment on his roll in the movie as Nancy Reagan's heroine addicted love child.
Also, in 1994, Reagan and Bill Clinton got in a major fight with Mao Zedong who had given up his leadership of China and began working at Wolf Camera.
Death
Reagan never died, He continued his rampage against Communism in a Giant Bio-Mechanical Suit and dubbed himself MECHA REAGAN.
Reagan Sports
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Memorable Reagan Quotes
- When you leave a bicycle pump outdoors overnight...uuuuuuuh...next question.
- RING RING RING RING RING RING BANANA PHONE!
- Mr.Gorceachev, tear down this wall! Reagan SMASH! Reagan SMASH!
- Reagan.....sleepy.....Reagan....sleepy.
- We must destroy the evil empire. But that was another time, another... uh.... WHERE'S MY FREE FOOD*Well...
- Where am I?
- Wo ba you pussy!
- Wo ma you jiji!
- What?
- I don't recall.
- I remembered something!
- Or maybe I didn't...
- What?
- I love Jesus Flakes!
- Those Islams cannot be trusted! That crazy Muhummad!
- Careful Nancy, those A-rabs arn't clean!
- Pardon?
- My wife is a she-male
- Well...
- Who?
- Mmm, Jelly Belly.
- MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
- Yes?
- What?
- Careful Nancy, there are communists everywhere!
- PSHEW! PSHEW! Look Nancy! An alien! Gwak.
- All around the mulberry bush the commie chased the weasel. Then I pulled out a ten megaton nuke and I outlawed Russia forever! Spring break baby! Nancy, get in here and show me your titties!"
- You homo!
- Power! Unlimited Power!
- What would Francisco Franco do?
- Ronald Reagan doesn't eat Dogfood on Tuesdays!
- Why'd I marry Nancy? She was the only woman I knew that could shoot Jelly Beans from her vagina.
- Uh-Oh Spagetti-O's
- The Internet is a series of tubes.
- Huh?
- Uuuuuuuuuuh...
See Also
- Reaganomics
- Nancy Reagan
- Ronnie Rokta
- Cabinet minions
- Supply-side Jesus
- Laser-Faire Economics
- Franco-American War
- Spongebob Squarepants
- Ronald McDonald
- Ronald Raygun
- Jello Biafra
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