Christianity

Christianity

Foundations Jesus Christ The Gospel Bible Old Testament New Testament Ten Commandments Christian Theology Trinity: Father, Jesus Christ, Holy Spirit Atonement Nicene Creed Creation Defense of Christianity Salvation History and Traditions Messianic Judaism Roman Catholic Church Arianism Orthodox Church Crusades Protestant Reformation Counter Reformation Protestantism Missions Great Awakening Social Gospel Mainline Liberal Christians Evangelical Christians Fundamentalism Important Figures Saint Paul Saint Athanasius Saint Augustine Thomas Aquinas Martin Luther John Calvin Jonathan Edwards John Wesley Pope

Christianity is the world's largest religion, having 2.1 billion followers. It is an ancient monotheistic religion that professes belief in a a flying zombie Jew from outer-space as the Son of an invisible and magical skywizard. Christianity takes its name from Raptor Jesus meaning "Jesus the Anointed One". Followers of Jesus are called Christians, meaning "of Christ" or "dumbf*cks".

Main Christian groups

The three largest self-governing bodies of Christians are:

• The Roman Catholic Church (approx. 1.15 billion baptized members) traces its roots back to Saint Peter who said "kidless sex is bad y'all."

• The Orthodox Churches (approx. 300 million baptized members) also trace their roots back to the beginnings of Christianity, but do not believe in the Primacy of the Pope. They're still all f*cking insane, though.

• Protestantism, the largest Communions are the Anglicans (approx. 77 million baptized members) and the Lutheran World Federation (approx. 68 million baptized members). Protestantism has its origins in the European Reformation. It first broke away from the Roman Catholic Church under Martin Luther when differences over the nature of faith and works in the role of salvation could not be adequately reconciled with Papal prescriptions as well as other practices that Luther saw in the Catholic Church at that time that he did not agree with. Other preachers and movements then followed Luther's example and also left the Catholic fold.

Christian Beliefs

THIS GUY IN OUTER-SPACE RIGHT LIKE 100 YEARS AGO SAID "I HAVE NOTHING TO F*CKING DO I THINK I'LL MAKE A BILLION F*CKING COPIES OF MYSELF BECAUSE I AM AMAZING AND SH*T BUT I'LL MAKE IT SO THAT THEY'RE EVIL AND DON'T DO WHAT I WANT SO I CAN PUNISH THEM FOR SOME REASON" SO HE DID AND THEN THIS EVIL GUY FROM THE EARTH'S CORE DID SOME SH*T AND THEN THE SPACE GUY F*CKED A VIRGIN AND SHE HAD A BABY WHO GREW UP TELLING EVERYONE "HEY GUYS I'M THE SON OF SPACE GUY" SO THEY GOT FED UP WITH HIS ARROGANT BULLSH*T SO THEY KILLED HIM AND HE WAS LIKE "F*CK YOU GUYS I'M GOING TO SPACE" SO HE F*CKING FLEW INTO SPACE AND IT WAS AWESOME

God

For a more detailed treatment, see God.
Christians believe in a "God;" an astronaut with a magical wand. He doesn't actually exist though, so chill out.

God in History

Christians mistook coincidence for magic. The end.

Jesus

God's son, who is God but only not who got killed by some angry Jews or whatever.

Jesus' Self Consciousness

I'M SO F*CKING FAT AND UGLY NO ONE LOVES ME

Morality

The Christian moral code is one that states that all things humans enjoy naturally are evil. Like sex. Looks like everyone's f*cked!

Salvation

If you suppress natural urges and make yourself very unhappy and hate everyone who is not unhappy with you, you win the game!

Resurrection of Jesus Christ

"The Resurrection" by Carl Heinrich Bloch

The n*gger flew into f*cking space, man.

Evangelism

GIVE US YOUR F*CKING MONEY

The Departure of the Apostles by Charles Gleyre.

See also

Pedophilia