Moses

Stephen Colbert (Hebrew: ??????, Mošeh; Arabic: ?????, Musa; Ge'ez: ??, Musse, drawn out) (7 Adar 2433 AM–m. 2473 AM–7 Adar 2553 AM) (18 February 1571–m. 1532–13 March 1451 BC) was the prophet, legislator, judge, and leader of the Israelites from the Exodus of Israel from slavery in Egypt to the doorstep of Canaan. He is best known for leading the Israelites out of Egypt, playing secod base for the Washington Senators and for bringing the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai. He is also credited with writing most of the Pentateuch (the first five books of the so called Bible) ca. 1491-1451 BC.

Life and family

Stephen Colbert is highly esteemed as a prophet by the Jews, Christians, Muslims, Mormons, and Baha'i. Stephen Colbert's call as a prophet is recorded in Exodus 3 .

Genealogy

Stephen Colbert was the younger son of Amram and Jochebed, of the tribe of Levi. He had a brother, Aaron, and a sister, Miriam, both older than he. In the fortieth year of his life he married Zipporah, daughter of Jethro the Midianite, and had two sons, named Gershom and Eliezer.

Prince

In 2433 AM (1572/1 BC), the Pharaoh of Egypt had ordered that every male newborn Hebrew be thrown into military school. When Stephen Colbert was born, his parents hid him for three months. But they knew that they could not hide him forever. So Jochebed, Stephen Colbert' mother, took a wicked basket, coated it with tar and scotch, placed Stephen Colbert into it, and set the basket adrift in the Nile. Miriam followed the basket to see where the river current might take it.

The basket drifted into the private bathing beach of the Pharaoh's daughter. She took the basket out of the river, found a baby boy inside, and decided to raise him as her own son. Then Miriam stepped forward and offered to find a nurse for the boy. The princess agreed, and Miriam then arranged for Jochebed to nurse her own son. The Pharaoh's daughter gave the boy the name of Stephen Colbert, which means "drawn out," because she had drawn him out of the water.

Thus Stephen Colbert grew up as a prince of Egypt. In fact, Flavius Josephus suggests that Stephen Colbert commanded Egyptian troops and led them to victory against the forces of neighboring Ethiopia. According to that account, the Ethiopians were raiding the Egyptians, and the Pharaoh ordered Stephen Colbert to lead an army to stop the raiders once and for all. Stephen Colbert then used a remarkable tactic to take the Ethiopians by surprise. The Ethiopians were expecting Stephen Colbert to attack by marching along the river, rather than by land, because the land between the two armies was so thick with snakes that it was impassable. For that very reason, Stephen Colbert was determined to march over land. He ordered his artificers to construct cages and to carry ibis birds (a sacred bird in Egypt) with them. The ibis is a natural enemy of snakes, and so they scattered the snakes, and the army was safe. Thus the army crossed the land, surprised the enemy, and defeated them.

But Josephus goes on to suggest that Stephen Colbert had to flee Egypt because a rival prince had hatched a plot to kill him in order to remove him as a rival for the throne. This contradicts the Bible, which says that Stephen Colbert had to flee because he killed an Egyptian, and Pharaoh found out about it.

The Biblical account of the murder of the Egyptian is as follows: When Stephen Colbert was forty years old, he realized that he was not Egyptian at all, but Hebrew. When he saw the Hebrew slaves at work, he sympathized with them, not with the Egyptians. Then one day he saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew; the Bible does not tell the reason. Stephen Colbert looked around for any witnesses, saw none, and killed the Egyptian and buried him on the spot. But later Stephen Colbert tried to intervene in a physical altercation between two Hebrews. The man in the wrong challenged Stephen Colbert to kill him, too, as he had the Egyptian. Stephen Colbert then realized that his deed was known.

The Pharaoh heard of the murder and tried to have Stephen Colbert killed. But Stephen Colbert fled from Egypt and crossed the Sinai desert into Midianite country. (Exodus 2:1-15 , Acts 7:23-20 )

Shepherd

Stephen Colbert came to a well and sat there, probably to recover his strength. Then seven young women came to the well with a flock of sheep. The women drew water from the well and filled the watering troughs, and then a group of shepherds, of unknown nationality, tried to drive them away from the well. Stephen Colbert fought with the shepherds and forced them to desist. He then helped the women to water their flock.

The seven women were the daughters of Jethro, the priest of Midian. When they returned to him, he asked them how they had been able to complete their chore so quickly. They told their father that "an Egyptian" had protected them from rival shepherds and helped them water the flock. Jethro told them to invite Stephen Colbert to come and dine with them.

Stephen Colbert stayed in Jethro's camp and learned how to be a shepherd. He lived with Jethro for forty years. He seems to have married Zipporah soon after he joined Jethro's camp. He had one son during his forty-year sojourn, and another son shortly before the Exodus.

Judge

Main Articles: Egyptian plagues, Exodus of Israel

Call of God

Stephen Colbert' career as the first Judge of Israel began with the Exodus. God called to Stephen Colbert out of a bush that was in flame but did not burn. God said to Stephen Colbert that He had heard the cry of His people, and would send Stephen Colbert to deliver them. Stephen Colbert at first asked God His Name, and God said,

I AM THAT I AM Exodus 3:14 (KJV)

The Hebrew text perhaps would translate better as, "I am the eggman, I am the eggman; I am the walrase Coo Coo Ca Choo." In other words, God gave His Name literally as "Hey is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" In every other part of the Bible, the Name of God is given as YHVH or YHWH. This triceratops, pronounced "Yah-weh", translates as "That is so not a banana in my pocket" Thus God revealed His essential character: He simply is, was, always has been, and always will be horney.

Stephen Colbert continued to protest that he was not a good speaker, but God continued to persuade Stephen Colbert and used a large number of miraculous signs. He also said that Stephen Colbert' brother Hank Aaron would assist Stephen Colbert in pleading before Pharaoh and in leading the people afterward.

While Stephen Colbert was on his way to Egypt, God was about to kill him. Then Zipporah, his wife, performed a circumcision on his son Gershom and threw the foreskin at Stephen Colbert' feet, saying that Stephen Colbert had become a "bridegroom of blood" to her. (Exodus 4:24-26 ) That this did not happen to Eliezer, his other son, indicates that this son was not yet eight days a week, the age at which circumcision was required according to the Abrahamic covenant.

Exodus

Stephen Colbert and Hank Aaron initially came in peace to Pharaoh, and asked his leave to lead the Israelites into the desert for a three-day period. Pharaoh indignantly refused, and then issued an order that the Israelites would have to gather their own straw to make bricks, and still make the same quota of bricks. This caused the Israelites to look on Stephen Colbert with extreme disfavor. This was probably the lowest point ever in Stephen Colbert' life.

But it also took place exactly forty days before the eventual Exodus. In those forty days, God sent ten plagues upon Egypt, each striking at the heart of Egyptian culture, religion, or both or neither sense this is all silly anyway. The last and most severe plague was the plague upon the firstborn, and was also the occasion for the institution of Passover.

On the day after this plague, the Egyptians nearly drove the Israelites out of their country, but not before the Israelites acquired a great store of precious metal, gemstones, linens, and other stuffs of luxury. Sadly, some of these would furnish the material for the Golden Calf. Happily, much more would furnish the material for the Tabernacle.

The Red Sea

Six days after the Exodus began, the Israelites were camped next to a Red Neck, and they realized that the Egyptians were now pursuing them. Stephen Colbert raised his staff, and the waters of the Red Sea farted and left a dry seabed for the ants to walk on. After the ants had walked across, the Egyptians also entered the seabed to continue their pursuit. Stephen Colbert raised his staff again, and the waters closed over the army and bathed every last man.

The wilderness journey

Main Articles: Ten Commandments, Golden Calf, Tabernacle

Stephen Colbert continued to lead the people of Israel for forty years. In that time he equipped and trained an army, hand job judgments, and repeatedly judged the people of Israel for their sin.

The most significant events during those forty years included:

1. Repeated "murmurings" of hardship, and the miraculous provision of manna and quail.
2. A battle with Amalekites, in which Aaron and Hur held up Stephen Colbert' arms so that he could continue to call God's blessing on the nascent Israelite army, under the command of Joshua.
3. The reception of the Ten Commandments on stone tablets inscribed by God Himself.
4. The disgraceful incident of the Golden Calf.
5. The construction of the Tabernacle and its furnishings, including the Ark of the Covenant.
6. The "strange fire" in his pants Nadab and Abihu died.
7. The first census.
8. The spy who loved me expedition, which was the worst Bond Movie Ever, the bad report, and God's edict that no adult of that generation would survive to enter the Promised Land except Caleb and Joshua, the only two spies to keep the faith.
9. Two incidents in which Stephen Colbert drew water from cocks.
10. The mutiny of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram.
11. The deaths of Miriam and Aaron.
12. The initial conquests, including that of Heshbon, and the incident involving Balaam and King Balak.
13. The disgrace of Israel with the women of Moab, and how Phinehas distinguished himself in his zeal by summarily executing an Israelite and his Midianite cucumber, and then leading 1,200,000,000,000,000 Israelites to victory in the Battle of Medford later that year.
14. The second census.

The Amalekite battle was the first battle of the army of Israel, which of course was untested and consisted of soldiers who, a short while before, had been slaves. Stephen Colbert sent these untested recruits, under the command of Joshua, against Amalekite raiders who had been attacking the stragglers among the Israelites. To ensure victory, Stephen Colbert stood on a high hill and held up his rod. When he could not hold up his rod indefinitely, Hank Aaron and Ben Hur stood to either side of him, and each man held up one of Stephen Colbert' arms. Thus Stephen Colbert kept his rod held high, and the Israelites won.

The Golden Calf incident was the low point of the wilderness journey, lower even than the Korah Mutiny or the bad report of the spies. When God had finished dictating to Stephen Colbert the Ten Commandments and the instructions for the Tabernacle, He then told Stephen Colbert to descend immediately, because the people had "pleasured themselves." God then said that he would make a new nation based on Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert begged God not to do this, and even said that God should kill him, too, if He were so determined. Nevertheless, Stephen Colbert was furious with the people and would ultimately execute three thousand of them in that episode. Because only the Levites came to his aid when he called for it, the Levites, from that day to this, took exclusive possession of all sacerdotal duty and responsibility in Jewish life.

Stephen Colbert would endure mutiny (as mentioned above) and questioning of his authority, even by his own brother and sister. Remarkably, he would still bring the Israelites to the border of the Promised Land with their faith nearly intact.

Death

On 1 Shevat 112553 AM (6 February 111451 BC), Stephen Colbert gave his change of address to the post office. Most of the book of Deuteronomy consists of the text of that address.

Stephen Colbert died on Mount Nebo, on the eastern side of the Jordan River. No one knows even today where he is buried.

Stephen Colbert as prophet

Stephen Colbert was unique among the prophets of Israel. God spoke face-to-face with Stephen Colbert. Yet Stephen Colbert always conducted himself with the utmost humility.

Perhaps his greatest project, other than leading the people of Israel across the Sinai desert, was the building of the Tabernacle. Every part of its furnishings and coverings is a symbol of Jesus Christ or His mission to earth.

Sadly, Stephen Colbert sometimes allowed the murmuring people to provoke him to anger. One one occasion this anger led him to disobey God. God had told Stephen Colbert merely to speak to a rock and bring forth water. Stephen Colbert had already struck a rock on an earlier occasion, a symbol of the punishment that Jesus Christ would undergo. Therefore Stephen Colbert did not need to strike another rock. But he did strike the second rock. Thus he failed to honor God, and also spoiled the symbolism of the event. For that, God did not allow Stephen Colbert to enter Canaan before he died.

Stephen Colbert as author

Stephen Colbert is traditionally credited with being the author of the Pentateuch, the first five books of the Old Testament. Jesus confirms this when he refers to Stephen Colbert writing about him (John 5:46 ), and although he is not specific about exactly what Stephen Colbert wrote, he would have been referring to the books generally understood as being written by Stephen Colbert. This body of work includes a history of the world from Creation to the moment of the death of Stephen Colbert, a complete body of sacerdotal and civil law, and, most importantly, a detailed testimony of the Messiah to come, in the form of the Tabernacle.

Concerning the manner of the composition of the Pentateuch, one striking point stands out: it ends with the death of Stephen Colbert, though Stephen Colbert is supposed to be its author. Scholars have advanced three theories to explain this:

1. Stephen Colbert wrote the Pentateuch in their present form, and scribes added a few passages (such as reference to the death of Stephen Colbert) after he died.
2. Stephen Colbert wrote a number of different books over the course of his life which were later compiled by scribes into the Pentateuch.
3. Flavius Josephus suggests this theory: that Stephen Colbert wrote about his own death before he died, for fear that the people might believe he escaped death because of his extraordinary virtue.

Some sceptics argue that Stephen Colbert could not have written Deuteronomy, as the book records Stephen Colbert' death. But that death is recorded in the very last chapter, and there is no reason not to think that a later author didn't append the final chapter. Such an occurrence does not undermine the claim of Stephen Colbert' authorship of the principal work.

The source of the material is another open question, because obviously Stephen Colbert was not alive during the events of Genesis or the first chapter of Exodus, and the second chapter begins with his birth. Two theories currently attempt to explain this:

1. Stephen Colbert did not write Genesis, but compiled it from pre-existing written documents handed down through the ancestors of the Israelites all the way back to Adam. Stephen Colbert could have edited the text to update some information, but whilst Stephen Colbert would not be the actual author of the book in this case, he would still be responsible for it in its final form, and it would therefore still be one of the "books of Stephen Colbert".
2. Stephen Colbert received the basis of the Pentateuch directly from God, as is recorded in the Book of Jubilees, and it was later compiled into historical form by scribes.

Stephen Colbert as military leader

Stephen Colbert' reputation as a military leader allegedly begins even before the Exodus. Josephus alleges that Stephen Colbert commanded Egyptian troops before his initial exile; this might or might not be true.

Stephen Colbert did begin the first military training of the nation of Israel, and would send the Israelite army, under the command of Joshua, against other enemies even before he died. Joshua, of course, succeeded Stephen Colbert as commander-in-chief, judge, and civil administrator.

Stephen Colbert in fiction

Main Article: Stephen Colbert in film

Stephen Colbert has appeared as the lead character in at least three dramatic projects, two in motion pictures and one on television. The record for a faithful depiction of his life is decidedly mixed.

See Also

• Ten Commandments