Difference between revisions of "Essay: Cut toxic people out of your life and replace them with edifying achievers who inspire you"

Revision as of 13:35, April 16, 2024

Stained glass artwork depicting King Solomon

Wise King Solomon wrote: "Do not take to heart all the things that people say, lest you hear your servant cursing you." - Ecclesiastes 7:21 (ESV). In a similar vein, King David wrote: "Those of low estate are but a breath, those of high estate are a delusion; in the balances they go up; they are together lighter than a breath." - Psalm 62:9 (NRSV).

Having no fear of man or the opinions of others can be challenging, but once it is achieved it is incredibly liberating. And so is the cutting out of people in your life who are toxic people and replacing them with more edifying individuals who spur you on to excellence and collaborate with you on worthwhile endeavors.

Economists use a very useful concept called opportunity cost. In economics, an opportunity cost is the value lost by choosing one alternative instead of another. It is the value of the sacrificed alternative in choosing something else. Not only is surrounding yourself with toxic people harmful, but it also robs you of being around far nobler people who can enrich your life. Over time, a tremendous amount of harm and lost value is caused by surrounding yourself with toxic people rather than associating with ethical, benevolent, noble-minded and giving people who are achievers in life (See: Achievement orientation and Achievement related articles).

1 Warrior to diplomat
- 1.1 The Filipino value of pakikisama
- 1.2 Bible verses on peace and being peaceable
2 The power of social influence: Research and other information on how friends, family and society can influence you
- 2.1 Biblical teaching on: Bad company corrupts good character
  - 2.1.1 How to find godly friends
  - 2.1.2 Be careful what you read, watch and hear through books, videos, film and other mediums
3 Positive social influence and developing more positive thinking
4 Useful graphics related to friendships
5 Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. Avoid contentious people who are not worthy of your time and will hinder you from achieving worthwhile things
6 4 Reasons You Need To Eliminate Toxic People From Your Life If You Want To Be Successful
7 The USA gives its citizens freedom of association. God bless America. Let freedom ring!
8 There must be 50+ ways to cut a toxic person out of your life. It's easier and faster than you think.
- 8.1 Best ways to cut a toxic person out of your life and/or handle them when you must do so
9 The power of surrounding yourself with high achievers with good character
10 Don't pine for a problem-free life or for "problem child" people to be gone from your life
11 Quotes on surrounding yourself with achievers and people of good character
12 Quotes on ignoring toxic, foolish, malevolent, ignorant and negative critics
- 12.1 Quotes on ignoring unreasonable critics
13 Upgrading and growing your social network. Birds of a feather, flock together. Don't just stand there - do something!
14 Ultimately, losers never win
- 14.1 Toxic people and higher divorce rates
15 Part II: The power of upgrading your social network and reading excellent works
16 User:Conservative's essays
17 References

Warrior to diplomat

Michael D. Watkins wrote an excellent Harvard Business Review article entitled How Managers Become Leaders which I will never forget - especially this excerpt:

“

Warrior to Diplomat

In his previous roles, Harald had focused primarily on marshaling the troops to defeat the competition. Now he found himself devoting a surprising amount of time to influencing a host of external constituencies, including regulators, the media, investors, and NGOs. His support staff was bombarded with requests for his time: Could he participate in industry or government forums sponsored by the government affairs department? Would he be willing to sit for an interview with an editor from a leading business publication? Could he meet with a key group of institutional investors? Some of these groups he was familiar with; others not at all. But what was entirely new to him was his responsibility not just to interact with various stakeholders but also to proactively address their concerns in ways that meshed with the firm’s interests. Little of Harald’s previous experience prepared him for the challenges of being a corporate diplomat.

What do effective corporate diplomats do? They use the tools of diplomacy—negotiation, persuasion, conflict management, and alliance building—to shape the external business environment to support their strategic objectives. In the process they often find themselves collaborating with people with whom they compete aggressively in the market every day.

To do this well, enterprise leaders need to embrace a new mindset to look for ways that interests can or do align, understand how decisions are made in different kinds of organizations, and develop effective strategies for influencing others. They must also understand how to recruit and manage employees of a kind that they have probably never supervised before: professionals in key supporting functions such as government relations and corporate communications. And they must recognize that these employees’ initiatives have longer horizons than the ongoing business, with its focus on quarterly or even annual results, does. Initiatives like a campaign to shape the development of government regulation can take years to unfold. It took Harald a while to understand this, as his staffers educated him about how painstakingly they managed issues over protracted periods of time and how they periodically bemoaned the results when someone took his eye off the ball.^[1]

”

The personality traits of a good diplomat are: openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness and extraversion.^[2]

The next time you feel tempted to go to war with some unreasonable people in your life or some unreasonable person on the internet, ask yourself who or what people can I collaborate with to achieve far more results than you can do merely alone. And become a better communicator, persuader and recruiter of people so you are much better able to achieve worthwhile objectives.

The Filipino value of pakikisama

See also: Interpersonal skills

The Philippines is a country of many people. And one of the core values of Filipinos is having smooth interpersonal relations.

Pakikisama is a basic tendency for Filipinos, and is expressed in their private lives, their public workplaces, and in their relationship with their neighbors. According to the results of a survey, the Filipino trait most important to Filipinos is pakikisama. Pakikisama refers to an interpersonal relationship where people are friendly with each other. To be with someone and to get along with each other indicates basic human friendliness and affinity.

When Ronald Reagan was president and found himself in a difficult situation, he asked himself: "What would John Wayne do?". While I am a John Wayne fan and I am definitely an assertive person, assertiveness is not aggressiveness and diplomacy can avoid pointless fights.

So next time you come across a boorish and unpleasant person, ask yourself, "What would a Filipino customer service representative do?".

Progress through Education by the Filipino Carlos V. Francisco.

Bible verses on peace and being peaceable

"But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you everything, and remind you of all that I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not let them be afraid." - Philippians 4:6-7

"Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." - Isaiah 26:3

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God." - Matthew 5:9

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." - Romans 12:18

The power of social influence: Research and other information on how friends, family and society can influence you

St. Paul defends his preaching (Giovanni Ricco).

The Apostle Paul taught: "Do not be deceived:‘Bad company ruins good morals.’" (1 Corinthians 15:33).

According to ScienceDirect and the International Encyclopedia of Education: Social influence refers to the phenomenon where an individual's behaviors, opinions, or beliefs change as a result of their network ties, often becoming more similar to those with whom they are connected."^[3]^[4] The Royal Society indicates: "Social learning is fundamental to human development, helping individuals adapt to changing circumstances and cooperate in groups. During the formative years of adolescence, the social environment shapes people's socio-cognitive skills needed in adulthood."^[5]

Articles related to social influence:

You’re NOT The Average Of The Five People You Surround Yourself With by David Burkus

Following the Majority: Social Influence in Trusting Behavior

Study Shows The Power Of Social Influence: 5 Ways To Avoid The Herd Mentality, Forbes, 2014

How Herd Mentality Explains Our Behavior

The Asch Conformity Experiments

Biblical teaching on: Bad company corrupts good character

The Apostle Paul taught: "Do not be deceived:‘Bad company ruins good morals.’" (1 Corinthians 15:33).

Videos:

How does bad company corrupt good character?

Bad Company Corrupts Good Morals (1 Corinthians 15:33) - Grace Community Church

Who Are Your Friends?

Bad company corrupts good morals

How to find godly friends

How to Find Godly Friends & Authentic Community

Be careful what you read, watch and hear through books, videos, film and other mediums

There is a principle in computer programming called "garbage in, garbage out". Media does have the ability to change one's beliefs, attitudes and behaviors and that is why companies, organizations and governments expend so much time, treasure and talent when it comes to marketing and public relations campaigns. So be careful about what you consume when it comes to books, videos, film and other mediums.

I have worked as a Producer of a very popular podcast and two of the genres it covers are society and true crime. Judging from what I have learned about the criminal mind, people don't become evil and manipulative axe murderers overnight nor do they lower moral standards overnight in other ways. It is a step-by-step process. So it's good to fill your time and attention with worthwhile and edifying endeavors and material because it will improve your character and make you a wiser person. In addition, "idle hands are the devil's workshop".

Positive social influence and developing more positive thinking

See also: Positive thinking and Self-talk

According to the Mayo Clinic, surrounding yourself with positive people helps foster positive thinking.^[6]

Making one's self-talk employ more positive thinking and employing more constructive/realistic/problem solving/creative thinking is better for one's physical/mental health and increases one's performance at tasks.^[7]^[8]^[9]^[10]

According to the Mayo Clinic, "Positive thinking just means that you approach unpleasantness in a more positive and productive way. You think the best is going to happen, not the worst."^[11]

Useful graphics related to friendships

Loneliness has been linked to many physical and mental health problems.^[12]

See also: Friendship and Social intelligence and Happiness and Loneliness

Friends have a large degree of affection and respect for each other. Friends will enjoy the company of each other on a regular basis, and provide assistance if one is in need. Friendships tend to be formed either as a result of an ongoing requirement for people to be in contact with each other (Church, work, school, etc.) or as the result of common interests.

The Book of Genesis records God indicating “It is not good for the man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18). Friendships and other relationships such as family/romantic relationships are extremely important for one's well-being (See also, the effects Loneliness).

David B. Brooks in his 2023 book entitled How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen wrote about loneliness:

“

I’ve been writing as if we live in a healthy cultural environment, in a society in which people are enmeshed in thick communities and webs of friendship, trust, and belonging. We don’t live in such a society. We live in an environment in which political animosities, technological dehumanization, and social breakdown undermine connection, strain friendships, erase intimacy, and foster distrust. We’re living in the middle of some sort of vast emotional, relational, and spiritual crisis. It is as if people across society have lost the ability to see and understand one another, thus producing a culture that can be brutalizing and isolating.

The percentage of Americans who said they have no close friends quadrupled between 1990 and 2020. In one survey, 54 percent of Americans reported that no one knows them well. The number of American adults without a romantic partner increased by a third. More to the point, 36 percent of Americans reported that they felt lonely frequently or almost all of the time, including 61 percent of young adults and 51 percent of young mothers. People were spending much more time alone.

In 2013, Americans spent an average of six and a half hours per week with friends. By 2019, they were spending only four hours per week with friends, a 38 percent drop. By 2021, as the Covid-19 pandemic was easing, they were spending only two hours and forty-five minutes per week with friends, a 58 percent decline. The General Social Survey asks Americans to rate their happiness levels. Between 1990 and 2018, the share of Americans who put themselves in the lowest happiness category increased by more than 50 percent...

The effects of this are ruinous and self-reinforcing. Social disconnection warps the mind. When people feel unseen, they tend to shut down socially. People who are lonely and unseen become suspicious. They start to take offense where none is intended. They become afraid of the very thing they need most, which is intimate contact with other humans. They are buffeted by waves of self-loathing and self-doubt. After all, it feels shameful to realize that you are apparently unworthy of other people’s attention. Many people harden into their solitude. They create self-delusional worlds. “Loneliness obfuscates,” the interdisciplinary scientist Giovanni Frazzetto writes in his book Together, Closer. “It becomes a deceiving filter through which we see ourselves, others, and the world. It makes us more vulnerable to rejection, and it heightens our general level of vigilance and insecurity in social situations.” We see ourselves as others see us, and when we feel invisible, well, we have a tendency to fall to pieces...

Sadness, lack of recognition, and loneliness turn into bitterness. When people believe that their identity is unrecognized, it feels like injustice—because it is. People who have been treated unjustly often lash out, seek ways to humiliate those who they feel have humiliated them. Loneliness thus leads to meanness. As the saying goes, pain that is not transformed gets transmitted. The data I just cited about social isolation and sadness is, no surprise, accompanied by other sorts of data about rising hostility and callousness. In 2021, hate-crime reports surged to their highest levels in twelve years. In 2000, roughly two-thirds of Americans gave to charity; by 2021, fewer than half did. One restaurant owner recently told me that he has to ban somebody from his place for rude behavior almost every week these days. That didn’t use to happen. A friend of mine who is a nurse says her number one problem is retaining staff. Her nurses want to quit because the patients have become so abusive, even violent. As the columnist Peggy Noonan put it, “People are proud of their bitterness now.” The social breakdown manifests as a crisis of distrust. Two generations ago, roughly 60 percent of Americans said that “most people can be trusted.” By 2014, according the General Social Survey, only 30.3 percent did, and only 19 percent of millennials. High-trust societies have what Francis Fukuyama calls “spontaneous sociability,” meaning that people are quick to get together and work together. Low-trust societies do not have this. Low-trust societies fall apart. Distrust sows distrust. It creates a feeling that the only person you can count on is yourself. Distrustful people assume that others are out to get them, they exaggerate threats, they fall for conspiracy theories that explain the danger they feel.^[13]

”

Friends Venn Diagram

20 signs of fake friends infographic

Friend, ally, annoyer or adversary quadrant

Friend, ally, annoyer or adversary quadrant

Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate. Avoid contentious people who are not worthy of your time and will hinder you from achieving worthwhile things

See also: Conflict resolution and Social intelligence

The online political world is full of angry people. Angry people are not thoughtful, productive people. Research indicates that anger takes resources away from the executive decision
making of the prefrontal cortex part of the brain.^[14]
Also, the memory expert Kevin Horsely in his book Unlimited Memory correctly points out that peaceful minds are better able to concentrate which is a key component of memory and learning.

A good football team has a strong offense and a strong defense. While it's perfectly reasonable to prevent evil men from achieving their nefarious aims, one's life should mainly focus on achieving good and worthwhile goals that benefit others.

Also, you might not have noticed it yet, but some people are very contentious and oppositional. And in some cases, it reaches comical and even biblical proportions. Cut such people out of your life as expeditiously as possible and preferably never let them in your life in the first place as an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. They will drag you down instead of lifting you up. And you can't achieve big and worthwhile things in your life if you are weighed down by such people. And don't be afraid of simply rejecting or ignoring unreasonable or evil people. The Bible teaches: "Reject a divisive person after a first and second warning, knowing that such a person has deviated from what is right and is sinning, being self-condemned." (Titus 3:10-11). In addition, the Bible has procedures for ex-communication (Matthew 18:15-17).

Unfortunately, there is a lot of people with personality issues, neurosis, issues involving mental illness or they are simply evil people. And there are normal people who just have pockets of irrationality/toxicity in their lives that are inconsequential and/or where you are not going to change their minds. In most cases, just avoid bringing up the area where they have irrational beliefs or allow the conversation to switch to another topic. If pressed say something like, "This is something that I am not really interested in. I am not very interested in politics." Alternatively, you can say something like: "Ok. I guess we will just agree to disagree on this matter." In some cases of dealing with irrational/contentious people or dealing with normal people with an irrational view, one useful technique is to make them defend their irrational views, contentiousness or evil intentions via questions. For example, Jesus masterfully exposed the evil intentions of the Pharisees via one excellent question (Matthew 21:23-27). And one of my favorites when it comes to putting prideful, wicked fools in their place is the "sarcastic humorous blow-off technique" ("OK, George. Good luck with that. Godspeed."). After all, wise King Solomon also wrote “As snow in summer and rain in harvest, so honor is not fitting in a fool.” - Proverbs 26:1. Or you can use a combination of approaches I have mentioned so far as far as dealing with difficult/toxic people. In short, pick your battles. Don't waste your time talking about topics such as "Did the USA really put a man on the moon?" or wrangling with contentious people. In most cases, you are not going to reason people out of their irrational beliefs or materially change them.

As far as getting embroiled in pointless political debates, Andrew Breitbart said, "Politics is downwind of culture." If a person has a culture of irrationality/immorality in their life, as a Christian I have found that it is far easier to share my faith and let God do the rest. Once a person is a Christian, they are far more likely to have reasonable political beliefs. Unbelievers and people with defective theologies are far more likely to have irrational, political beliefs (Utopian, short-sighted, myopic/obsessive, selfish, malevolent, etc.). I have found that most people who obsessively follow politics and news don't have much going on in the rest of their lives. My Christian friend who is professionally very successful and engages in many good works doesn't follow politics because he doesn't have time to. He is too busy doing consequential things. The Bible teaches the importance of doing good works and God will reward him for his good works ("For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is also dead.” - James 2:26). But he does do his civic duty and a so he takes the time to vote (He is pro-life so he doesn't vote for Democrats.). At the same time, I am not against political activists who pursue worthy causes or people being politically active who have thoughtful political views (William Wilberforce, etc.).

Recently, I took out a book at the library by Oliver Burkeman Four Thousand Weeks. Time Management for Mortals. He points out that much of the online political world is full of angry people. Angry people are not thoughtful, productive people. Research indicates that anger takes resources away from the executive decision-making of the prefrontal cortex part of the brain.^[15] Also, the memory expert Kevin Horsely in his book Unlimited Memory correctly points out that peaceful minds are better able to concentrate which is a key component of memory and learning.^[16] Horsely ask the question: "Have you ever had a fight with someone at home, then you get to work, and the whole day you can't concentrate?". He then makes the common sense statement, "Conflict pulls your mind in many directions; when you fill your mind with conflict, your mind will be all over the place. Conflict is the opposite of concentration."^[17] I realize that conflict is a part of life and that good men must wrestle with evil, but there is a definite place for peace and joy in one's life. And military officers, who prepare their soldiers for conflict, realize that anger, conflict and fear can shut off the executive decision-making power of the brain which is one of the reasons why soldiers drill so much and spend an adequate amount of time at the rifle range.

Groucho Marx

A classic comedic song of Groucho Marx in the 1932 movie Horsefeathers perfectly illustrates contentious people.

An excerpt of the song I'm Against It:

“

I don't know what they have to say
It makes no difference anyway*
Whatever it is, I'm against it
No matter what it is or who commenced it
I'm against it

Your proposition may be good
But let's have one thing understood:
Whatever it is, I'm against it
And even when you've changed it or condensed it
I'm against it

I'm opposed to it
On general principles, I'm opposed to it

[STUDENTS]

He's opposed to it
In fact, indeed, he's opposed to it

[WAGSTAFF]

For months before my son was born
I used to yell from night till morn
"Whatever it is, I'm against it."
And I've been yelling since I first commenced it
I'm against it^[18]

”

Video clip of Groucho Marx singing the song I'm Against It: I'm Against It - Groucho Marx (1932) HD

"Confrontation is something that I accept as part of the project though not its purpose." - Andy Goldsworthy

"Promote what you love instead of bashing what you hate.' - Zig Ziglar

A short story: The Donkey and the Tiger

Cotentin donkey

Bengal tiger

The donkey told the tiger, “The grass is blue.”

The tiger replied, “No, the grass is green.”

The discussion became heated, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, so they approached the lion.

As they approached the lion on his throne, the donkey started screaming: ′′Your Highness, isn’t it true that the grass is blue?”

The lion replied: “If you believe it is true, the grass is blue.”

The donkey rushed forward and continued: ′′The tiger disagrees with me, contradicts me and annoys me. Please punish him.”

The king then declared: ′′The tiger will be punished with 3 days of silence.”

The donkey jumped with joy and went on his way, content and repeating ′′The grass is blue, the grass is blue…”

The tiger asked the lion, “Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?”

The lion replied, ′′You’ve known and seen the grass is green.”

The tiger asked, ′′So why do you punish me?”

The lion replied, “That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is degrading for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with an ass, and on top of that, you came and bothered me with that question just to validate something you already knew was true!”

The biggest waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions.

Never waste time on discussions that make no sense. There are people who, for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand.

Others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t.

When IGNORANCE SCREAMS, intelligence moves on.

God has given you a limited time on earth.

Don't waste your precious time on earth dealing with unreasonable people. Get away from them as soon as possible.

"Better to meet a she-bear robbed of its cubs than to confront a fool immersed in folly." - Wise King Solomon, Proverbs 17:12 (NRSV)

Avoid people with personality disorders, Dark Triad personality traits or toxic people in general who are not willing to change. Run like hell in the opposite direction when you encounter very toxic people

Personality disorders

Personality is the way people think, feel, and behave.^[19]

I have empathy for people with personality disorders due to genetic factors, abuse when they were children, adult trauma or due to various illnesses and accidents. On the other hand, thousands of years of human experience in various societies and science shows that people can change their personality and that it is not fixed (See: Neoroplasticity and the ability of individuals to change their personality).

And via Bible reading and other various materials I have read, films and videos I have seen, sermons and discussions with friends and a member of the clergy, I firmly believe in demons and demonic possession (Jesus cast out demons and Mary Magdalen had seven demons cast out of her by Jesus, etc.). And I also believe that people's behavior can cause them to be possessed (Engaging in occult practices, leading a bad life, etc.). But God is merciful and deliverance from demons is possible.

Dark Triad Personality traits

According to the psychological theory of the Dark Triad personality type, the three Dark Triad personality subtypes are subclinical narcissism, Machiavellianism and subclinical psychopath.^[20]^[21]^[22] Overall, the Dark Triad personality traits share certain features, such as emotional coldness, duplicity, and aggressiveness.^[23] The dark-triad personality traits are found to be more prominent in men than in women.^[24]

"The “Dark Triad” personality traits are a toxic amalgamation of various negative traits and behaviors, such as they are domineering, violent, volatile, manipulative, remorseless, cynical, deceitful, etc."^[25]

Health.com states concerning people with dark triad personality traits and one of the best ways to deal with them: "...people with dark triad personality traits may be able to change, but the likelihood of that happening is "minuscule," noted Hokemeyer. "The personality traits that make up a dark triad are deeply ingrained in their psyche and highly resistant to any sort of challenge that would manifest a change. The best strategy is to move away from them as quickly as possible."^[26]

The dark triad personality traits and their various sub-traits.

Narcissists don't learn from their mistakes because they don't think they make any.^[27]

Health.com states concerning people with dark triad personality traits and one of the best ways to deal with them: "...people with dark triad personality traits may be able to change, but the likelihood of that happening is "minuscule," noted Hokemeyer. "The personality traits that make up a dark triad are deeply ingrained in their psyche and highly resistant to any sort of challenge that would manifest a change. The best strategy is to move away from them as quickly as possible."^[28]

Toxic personality traits

See also: Toxic personality traits

Narcissistic rage is an outburst of intense anger or silence that can happen to someone with narcissistic personality disorder.^[29]

Some of the characteristics of psychopaths are being angry, rash, impulsive, and oppositional (among others).^[30]

Reduced empathy, often seen in psychopathy, increases the prevalence of goal-directed aggression.^[31] Psychopaths have a greater risk of suffering from irritability/reactive aggression.^[32] Both decreased empathy and increased anger are associated with maladaptive aggression.^[33]

According to WebMD.com:

“

If you know someone who’s difficult and causes a lot of conflict in your life, you may be dealing with a toxic person. These people can create lots of stress and unpleasantness for you and others, not to mention emotional or even physical pain.

A toxic person is anyone whose behavior adds negativity and upset to your life. Many times, people who are toxic are dealing with their own stresses and traumas. To do this, they act in ways that don’t present them in the best light and usually upset others along the way.

Toxicity in people isn’t considered a mental disorder. But there could be underlying mental problems that cause someone to act in toxic ways, including a personality disorder.^[34]

”

Symptoms of a toxic person are:^[35]^[36]^[37]^[38]

1. Inconsistent behavior

2. They always need your attention

3. They are narcissistic

4. There is always drama. According to WebMD.com: "Toxic people thrive in dramatic situations. They inflame emotions and create conflict. They love stirring the pot to see what happens. People are often toxic because they're not interested in being stable and healthy in relationships."^[39]

5. They lack empathy and are mean.

6. They don’t respect your boundaries

7. The are controlling

8. They manipulate others for what they want

9. They’ll make you prove yourself to them

10. They never apologise.

11. They’ll bring irrelevant detail into a conversation as a means of distraction and avoidance

12. They exaggerate. For example, they may frequently use the terms "You always" or "You never"

13. They are dishonest

14. They are denialists

15. They abuse substances

Related article: 8 Toxic Personalities Every Successful Person Avoids, Entrepreneur magazine, 2017

The 3 most common strategies for dealing with toxic people are:^[40]

1. Confront them

2. Set stricter boundaries. For example, let them know that you will not tolerate their attempts to create drama.

3. Cut them out of your life. A church shunning someone is not unbiblical and is done in some cases. "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector." - Mathew 18:15-18

One of the strategies for dealing with dealing with toxic people is cutting them out of your life.^[41]

Two other common strategies are confronting them and setting stricter boundaries.^[42]

Drama, drama and more drama

Drama masks

1) "Ever notice how drama seems to follow some people? It’s likely not a coincidence. Toxic people thrive in dramatic situations. They inflame emotions and create conflict. They love stirring the pot to see what happens. People are often toxic because they’re not interested in being stable and healthy in relationships." - Signs of a Toxic Person, WebMD

2) Why do some people love conflict and drama? Drama kings/queens often have an exaggerated sense of importance and create drama because they have an insatiable need for attention.^[43]

A sure sign that you need to cut a toxic person out of your life: The individual is a man and is far, far more of a drama queen than your most drama queen girlfriend in your past.

There is a famous adage among lawyers that indicates, "If you have the facts on your side, pound the facts; if you have the law on your side, pound the law; if you have neither the facts nor the law, pound the table." Toxic people are drama queen table pounders.

A poster for a 1884 American theatrical production of William Shakespeare's Macbeth

Histrionic personality disorder:

Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition marked by unstable emotions, a distorted self-image and an overwhelming desire to be noticed. People with HPD often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention.^[44]

According to Susan Krauss Whitbourne PhD, ABPP:

“

In its present-day iteration, the symptoms of histrionic personality disorder are in some ways very similar to narcissism to the point that some researchers believe the two to be virtually indistinguishable. However, people who would have a high histrionic symptom index would, in addition to being self-centered, be sexually seductive in an indiscriminate manner, overly theatrical, capable only of superficial feelings and relations with others, and unhappy when they are not the center of attention.

Thus, it's the people with histrionic personality disorder who are most likely to qualify for the distinction "drama queen." Their additional quality of being overly impressionistic also adds to the mix, meaning that individuals with histrionic symptoms make decisions on the basis of limited evidence. In other words, they jump to conclusions, often basing their decisions on gut instincts rather than careful analysis.^[45]

”

Toxic gamma males

Vox Day compares gamma males to vindictive anklebiters who revel in taking offense and holding onto resentment. Day indicates that they will carry on hate campaigns for years.^[46]

He also indicates that it is pointless to give in to their demands or even pay attention to them.^[47]

In the animal kingdom, the terms alpha, beta, and gamma male are commonly used to describe an individual’s position within a social hierarchy. In social hierarchies, alpha male are the highest-ranking males within a social group, followed by beta, and then gamma males.^[48]

As far as human societies and social hierarchies, according to the article Social-Sexual Hierarchy Revisited:

“

About six years ago, Vox Day published his socio-sexual hierarchy.

Alpha – The top of the hierarchy. President Donald Trump is an Alpha. He’s confident, boisterous, and handsome...

Delta – The normal guy. Most men are Deltas...

Gamma – These men would be low-end Deltas if they did not think of themselves as being secretly Alpha. They are secret kings in their own mind and believe themselves to be worthy of admiration, which is often undeserved... They are also on the unattractive side in terms of looks but don’t seem to understand or accept this. Of all people in this hierarchy, the Gamma needs the most improvement but often times rejects criticism or even helpful advice, instead believing themselves to be gods among men. Very dangerous if given any kind of power.

Omega – The low-end of the tier. Omegas are usually unattractive, introverted, and unsuccessful with women.^[49]

”

Gamma men tend to be: narcissistic egotists with delusions of grandeur (Gamma males often rage when you inform them that you have no interest in their "very important opinions"); passive-aggressive or aggressive ; reluctant to admit faults; hyper-sensitive to criticism; stubborn; resentful; insist that the world is unfair and that they are victim; jealous; engage in drama and gossip; habitually deceptive with others and themselves; often reject authority; lacking in physical fitness; unattractive to women; often fail in establishing romantic relationships with women due to failing to misunderstanding women; like being subject matter experts; gamma men tend to be low status and they are also concerned with status; lacking leadership skills; insecure; individuals who begin the process of reaching their goals, but fail to do the work to complete their goals due to the extra work or due to fear of rejection; overly obsessive about a hobby and clueless about life.^[50]

Gossip by Charles Haigh-Wood (1854–1927)

Like many high school girls, girly gamma males often gossip.

Unlike alpha males, gamma males lack machismo. One of the definitions of machismo is an "exhilarating sense of power or strength."^[51]

People often laugh at gamma men for being girly.^[52]

According to Day, gammas lack "self-confidence. This is a root cause in their very core and they try to cover up that existential hole in their soul with all manner of fakery. Be it money, status, recognition by the masses for their achievements (real or most often imagined or “manufactured”), it is never enough to really fill that essential lack of self-truth."^[53] Unlike alpha males, gamma males lack machismo. One of the definitions of machismo is an "exhilarating sense of power or strength."^[54] People often laugh at gamma men for being girly.^[55] Although gamma males usually display passive aggressive behavior, sometimes they display alpha male type aggression.^[56] The reason they prefer passive aggression over alpha male aggression is due to their girly nature and their fear being seen as the "bad guy" due to their craving of being liked, admired and respected.^[57]^[58] Gamma males who engage in relentless ankle-biting criticism of others hate it when the other parties don't care what they think.^[59]

At the extreme end of the spectrum, gamma males are toxic con men/frauds, stalkers, and psychopaths.^[60] See also: Dark Triad personality traits

As noted above, gamma males often gossip. According to Insight Therapy gossipers gossip due to:

“

To feel superior. Many people who are insecure about themselves find temporary relief in judging others. Knowing something that others don't can feel empowering, and sometimes, that's all an uncertain gossiper needs. But, it can also make you appear untrustworthy.

They have a sadistic personality. Emotional sadism- someone who comes off as harsh, aggressive, intimidating, or demeaning is rooted in gossip. This type of character enjoys knowing that someone else is experiencing pain or misfortune, delighted that it's not happening to them.

They’re bored. When people can't generate exciting discussions based on knowledge or ideas, gossip can arouse people's interest.

Anxiety. Anxious people are more likely to spread rumors and partake in gossip, according to research. And since uncertainty or feeling out of control is significant in anxiety, gossiping can make someone get that sense of control back.^[61]

”

Envious people

Envy is often rooted in low self-esteem and or in an unhealthy competitiveness that is fearful of losing or losing status.^[62]^[63] People with narcissistic personality disorder are often envious individuals.^[64]

Envious people will rarely or never assist you in worthwhile endeavors and will diminish or belittle your achievements and aspirations in a vain attempt to boost their low self-esteem or low self-worth. Don't let them weigh you down. Cut them out of your life.

Envy is often rooted in low self-esteem and or in an unhealthy competitiveness that is fearful of losing or losing status.^[65]^[66]

Envious people will rarely or never assist you in worthwhile endeavors and will diminish or belittle your achievements and aspirations in a vain attempt to boost their low self-esteem or low self-worth.

Don't let them weigh you down. Cut them out of your life.

4 Reasons You Need To Eliminate Toxic People From Your Life If You Want To Be Successful

4 Reasons You Need To Eliminate Toxic People From Your Life If You Want To Be Successful

The USA gives its citizens freedom of association. God bless America. Let freedom ring!

Don't let a very toxic person try to force his way back into your life. Permanently cut off all communication. Don't read desperate messages to you by a toxic person trying to worm their way back into your life again. Stand your ground! Never back down!

The USA gives its citizens freedom of association.^[67] Freedom of association is the freedom to associate with others who have similar political, religious, or cultural beliefs.".^[68]

God bless America. Let freedom ring! USA! USA! USA!

Concerning the United States of America, according to FindLaw.com's web page Freedom of Association: "The Supreme Court has long held that the First Amendment's protection of free speech, assembly, and petition logically extends to include a “freedom of association." Generally, this means we have the freedom to associate with others who have similar political, religious, or cultural beliefs."

God bless America. Let freedom ring!

"Give me liberty, or give me death!" - Patrick Henry

There must be 50+ ways to cut a toxic person out of your life. It's easier and faster than you think.

You're out! You're out of my life!

The songwriter Paul Simon wrote the wrote the famous song 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. But are there 50 ways to a toxic person out of your life?

For adults, it's incredibly easy to cut out a toxic person in your life - unless of course, you made the grave mistake of marrying one who is very stubborn and unwilling to change.

While you can pick your friends, but not your family members, dealing with toxic family members is very doable. Do you have a toxic family member in your life? Diplomatically set boundaries and assertively tell the family member that you are not going to put up with their bad behavior. Tough love works! Assertiveness (Not aggressiveness) kills toxic, family pest behavior dead! Strong interpersonal skills - including assertiveness - can work miracles. But you are not an assertive person? Problem solved as there is a classic assertiveness training book whose title is Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons. Recently, I ended the toxic behavior of a family member. And ridding yourself of a toxic non-family member is often easier - often much easier. We are talking days, hours, minutes or even seconds if circumstances warrant it and if you are truly committed to it. So set yourself free!

It is impossible to remove some toxic non-family members from your life you say? What about stalkers? Yes, what about stalkers! Oh ye of little faith! There is a whole book written on this subject by the internationally acclaimed privacy expert Frank M. Ahearn entitled How to Disappear. So you have no excuses for ridding yourself of toxic people. Start doing it today.

But how do you replace a toxic person in your life and replace them with edifying achievers who inspire you? That's super easy. Find a worthy endeavor, network and associate with people who are interested in the same thing, and soon you will have replaced the toxic person. I recently did this in about a week.

Are there 50+ worthwhile things to do in the world? There are billions of worthwhile projects worth tackling. Get off your butt and start doing some of them.

"One way, or another, I'm gonna lose ya. I'm gonna give you the slip." - The 1978 song One Way or Another, The band Blondie

Are there 50+ worthwhile things doing in the world?

There are billions of worthwhile projects worth tackling. Get off your butt and start doing some of them.

Best ways to cut a toxic person out of your life and/or handle them when you must do so

The article 7 Smart Ways To Handle Toxic People And Cut Them Out Of Your Life likens toxic people to poisonous snakes.

The best way to avoid getting bit by a poisonous snake is to stay out of their striking range or use snake handling principles. Learn how to stay away from toxic people and how to handle them when you must do so.

Articles on the best ways to cut a toxic person out of your life and/or handle them when you must do so:

How to cut toxic people out of your life

7 Smart Ways To Handle Toxic People And Cut Them Out Of Your Life

How to Pull Away from Toxic People, and Who to Replace Them With by George S. Everly, Jr. PhD, ABPP, FACLP

8 Signs It’s Time to Cut a Toxic Person Out of Your Life (And How to Do It)

How to reject or say no to a narcissist:

See also: Narcissism and Narcissistic rage

Key useful phrases when dealing with narcissists:

“I am not interested, thank you.”; “I have nothing more to add, thank you.”; "I have nothing further to add. Thank you. Feel free to engage in last wordism."^[69]

16 Phrases to Disarm a Narcissist

When you say no to a narcissist - video

A Narcissist's Unwillingness To Hear Your "No" - Video

Narcissists related essays:

The power of surrounding yourself with high achievers with good character

See also: Positive social influence

The power of surrounding yourself with high achievers

How Surrounding Yourself With High-Achievers Can Improve Your Performance, Forbes

The Power of Surrounding Yourself with People Who Are Doing Better Than You by Scott Joseph

The power of surrounding yourself with people with good character

Bible verses on surrounding yourself with godly people

How to surround yourself with good people

Show me your friends and I will show you your future

Surround Yourself with Successful People

Show Me Your Friends and I Will Show You Your Future

Don't pine for a problem-free life or for "problem child" people to be gone from your life

Due to life's circumstances, sometimes it is impossible to instantly and completely remove toxic people in your life or to change toxic people. For example, in this essay, I mention the scenario of being married to a stubborn and toxic spouse.

One of my favorite parables is the parable of the oyster and the sand where the irritation of the sand causes the oyster to produce a beautiful pearl. It encapsulates life where overcoming problems - including evil or immature men - produces character, creativity and skill development. It can also cause us to leave inferior opportunities and pursue superior opportunities. For example, if you work for a company with lower standards in terms of the quality of workers they hire, the irritations of working in such an environment may cause you to seek work where you are working with people of a much higher caliber. And often the compensation is higher at a better company.

The Internet Encyclopedia of Philosophy points out that Alvin Plantinga "claims God and evil could co-exist if God had a morally sufficient reason for allowing evil. He suggests that God's morally sufficient reason might have something to do with humans being granted morally significant free will and with the greater goods this freedom makes possible." See also: Problem of Evil and Theodicy

Oyster with a pearl inside it.

Quotes on surrounding yourself with achievers and people of good character

“You show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.” - John Wooden, American basketball coach

"The better you are at surrounding yourself with people of high potential, the greater your chance for success." - John Maxwell, Author

"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company." - George Washington

Quotes on ignoring toxic, foolish, malevolent, ignorant and negative critics

Aristotle

A good acid test in telling a legitimate critic offering constructive criticism is by asking the person "What makes say that?" and see if they are offering well-thought-out criticism. If you go through a round of "What makes you say that?" and other types of open-ended questioning many times you will find that there criticism has no legitimacy. You can also say something like "I am an open-minded person. Give me your best case on why I should adopt your position.". In many cases, they cannot. Alternatively, you may choose to ignore a critic if you feel that they can't be reasoned with. Avoid using the word "Why" because that is more challenging than using phraseology like "What makes you say that?" or similar phrasing.

Quotes on ignoring unreasonable critics

"You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one." - Coach John Wooden

"The less you respond to negative people, the more powerful your life will become.” – Robert E. Baine, American pastor and businessman

"Criticism is something we can avoid easily by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing." - Widely attributed to Aristotle

"When criticized, consider the source." - Unknown

"The final proof of greatness lies in being able to endure criticism without resentment." - Elbert Hubbard

"Don’t be discouraged by those who criticize your research without having spent the time needed to properly understand it." - The article Don’t be discouraged by empty criticism!"^[70]

Upgrading and growing your social network. Birds of a feather, flock together. Don't just stand there - do something!

How can you accelerate upgrading and growing your social network?

People often tend to like people who are like them. As they say, "Birds of a feather, flock together."

Virtuous, positive, and successful people often like to surround themselves with other virtuous, positive and successful people - not wicked, contentious and negative people. Furthermore, because people are social beings, they often introduce like-minded people to other like-minded people. So developing friends through church and volunteer activities is an excellent way of improving the quality of your social network.

In addition, people often root for and love determined underdogs. The great box office success of movies like Rocky are a testament to this fact. So it should come as no surprise that successful people often want to help and mentor people who are determined, have a good attitude and are pursuing worthy goals.

So how do you upgrade and grow your social network? How does one have a great attitude? How does one develop a very steely determination?

Ways to upgrade your social network

10 Ways to Upgrade Your Social Circle with High Value People
Grow Your Social Network
Expanding Your Social Circle
8 Tips for Expanding Your Social Network, Entrepreneur, September 22, 2018

For more information, please see:

Set high goals and track your progress

“The greatest danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it.” - Michelangelo

Research indicates that setting goals for important categories of your life such as the areas of spiritual, career, intellectual, (Books read, education, informational podcasts/videos, etc.), fitness, family and social, helps people make bigger gains and faster progress in their lives (7 Types of Goals for All Areas of Life and 7 Types of Goals: The Ultimate Guide to Goal Categories).

For example, in one study, people with written goals, action commitments and weekly progress reports to a friend saw a 80.95% improvement over control group which had no written goals, no action commitments and no weekly progress reports (See: - Goal, action commitments, and weekly reporting study and

What are SMART goals? The acronym SMART goals stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. Defining your goals using these parameters insures that your objectives are attainable within a certain time frame (See: How to write SMART goals and SMART Goals - How to Make Your Goals Achievable and Study Backs up Strategies for Achieving Goals).

True grit and great successes

Harvard researcher Angela Duckworth isolated two qualities that she thought might be a better predictor of outstanding achievement:

1. The tendency not to abandon tasks from mere changeability. Not seeking something because of novelty. Not “looking for a change.”

2. The tendency not to abandon tasks in the face of obstacles. Perseverance, tenacity, doggedness.

The clinical psychologist and certified school psychologist Caren Baruch-Feldman, PhD describes grit as "the ability to persist in something you feel passionate about and persevere when you face obstacles".^[71]

Angela Lee Duckworth is an American academic, psychologist, and science author. She is also the Rosa Lee and Egbert Chang Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, where she focuses on studying grit and self-control. She is also the Founder and former CEO of not-for-profit organizationCharacter Lab whose mission is to advance the science and practice of character development.

According to Jocelyn K. Glei's article The Future of Self-Improvement, Part I: Grit Is More Important Than Talent:

“

Intrigued by what qualities would most accurately predict outstanding achievement, Harvard researcher Angela Duckworth picked up where Walter Mischel left off. ...Duckworth found that self-control is an excellent predictor of your ability to follow through on certain types of difficult tasks — staying on your diet, studying for a test, not checking your email — but it’s not the most important factor when it comes to predicting success at “extremely high-challenge achievement.”

...Duckworth isolated two qualities that she thought might be a better predictor of outstanding achievement:

1. The tendency not to abandon tasks from mere changeability. Not seeking something because of novelty. Not “looking for a change.”

2. The tendency not to abandon tasks in the face of obstacles. Perseverance, tenacity, doggedness.^[72]

”

According to the Character Lab, being gritty means

1. Finishing what you begin.

2. Staying committed to your goals.

3. Working hard even after experiencing failure or when you feel like quitting.

4. Sticking with a project or activity for more than a few weeks.^[73]

How to grow grit?

1. Cultivate a growth mindset and optimism.

2. Focus on improving your performance while you are engaging in various endeavors related to your goals.

3. Stay passionate about your purpose.

4. Know when you have achieved your maximum potential in an area and are not quitting due to frustration.^[74]

Desire for excellence, repetitive failing, analysis and corrective actions: A key to great success

Those who achieve great success: operate outside their comfort zone and study themselves failing; set role models; zealously seek feedback; and treat what they do as a science and are willing to experiment. Like Olympic athletes their motto is: faster, stronger, higher.

“

What separates those who accomplish outstanding feats from those who don’t? According to author and researcher Joshua Foer, it’s the dedication and willpower to doggedly push beyond the “OK Plateau.” When most of us learn a new skill, we work to get just “good enough” and then we go on autopilot.

We hit what Foer calls the “OK Plateau,” where we have gained sufficient skills for our needs; at which point, we stop pushing ourselves. But experts – those who excel beyond all others in their fields – do it differently. Foer identified four principles that he saw the experts using to remain alert and to keep learning:

1. Experts tend to operate outside their comfort zone and study themselves failing.

2. Experts will try to walk in the shoes of someone who’s more competent than them.

3. Experts crave and thrive on immediate and constant feedback.

4. Experts treat what they do like a science. They collect data, they analyze data, they create theories, and they test them.

In essence, those who excel beyond the pack are pushing themselves continually so that they are never on autopilot. As Foer posits in the last point, there are very much like scientists in a lab – constantly reflecting on the data, formulating new hypotheses, testing them, and then analyzing the outcome.^[75]

”

The character Rooster Cogburn in the 1969 movie True Grit as played by John Wayne.

The moral of the movie: Never give up - even if you are knocked off your horse and your horse falls upon you. Don't give up hope if you can't reach your guns and are outnumbered. Hang tough and have true grit! Good will triumph over evil.

See the video clip: True Grit (1969). Rooster Cogburn (John Wayne) vs. The Lucky Ned Pepper Gang

Ultimately, losers never win

"Though the mills of God grind slowly; Yet they grind exceeding small; Though with patience He stands waiting, With exactness grinds He all." - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Toxic people and higher divorce rates